It's Friday which means it's time for the Mailbag. 

Congrats, you can pretend to work while reading in advance of the Memorial Day weekend.  

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Kevin Durant. He's included in a mailbag question as well, but his decision to donate a million dollars to the tornado victims is worthy of the award. 

And much more. 

Okay, let's dive into the mailbag.

Written by Michael Urban

If Mizzou fans are honest, they will tell you that joining the SEC is a little like Andre Iguodala joining the Olympic basketball team. It’s not that Mizzou isn’t worthy of being in the nation’s most elite conference, but the Tigers’ pedigree isn’t exactly of the same lineage as the SEC’s blue bloods. Behind the bravado displayed by Head Coach Gary Pinkel and Senior WR T.J. Moe at last month’s SEC Media Days is an insecure fan base that makes Mitt Romney seem steady. Mizzou sports’ oh-so-close-but-yet-so-far exploits are well documented. There’s the Fifth Down game, Tyus Edney’s improbable buzzer beater, the Flea Kicker, and the 2007 Orange Bowl Snub to name only a few.

Yesterday I picked South Carolina to be the seventh straight BCS champ from the SEC.

Late last night news broke that South Carolina has hired Josh Morgan, Jessica Dorrell's fiance, as a new assistant coach for men and women's swimming. But there was no sourcing on the online report.

You'll recall Dorrell as Bobby Petrino's mistress, the woman who miraculously escaped all injury in his motorcycle accident. You'll also probably remember OKTC's Zapruder tape like analysis of the incident, which we surmised was the result of an unexpected reach around crotch grab mishap. That or the entire motorcycle accident was a made-up story to cover up a beating delivered by Dorrell's fiance.    

According to the same site, Fitsnews.com, the duo are still together -- although the June wedding has been postponed.

OKTC placed a call to South Carolina's Steve Fink to make sure that the reported hire was correct and Fink confirmed to OKTC that it was true. 

So welcome to South Carolina Josh Morgan and Jessica Dorrell.  

Written by: Jack Robbins

Football season is finally here. The NFL preseason is up and running and the smack talk emails from your fantasy football buddies are heating up. You’re tired of being the butt of every joke. You’ve done your research and this is the season you are taking home that ridiculously oversized trophy your friends made for your league. But some things are out of your control.

Written by: Craig Hayes

I grew up in a small town called Point Lookout on the south shore of Long Island that was just built for summer: the beach on one side of town, the bay on the other, with a beautiful playground and set of ballfields on the side. Days were filled with swimming, body surfing, fishing and crabbing, and baseball games later in the afternoon, with Jones Inlet serving as the backdrop to the outfield.

Many say the hottest seat in college football this year isin Neyland Stadium, but not in the stands – on the sidelines.  Insiders and pretty much anyone who watchesfootball agree that Derek Dooley’s job is in jeopardy if he doesn’t produce aseason worthy of an SEC Championship.  It has been 14 years since the Vols won a national championship, and five since they won the SEC East title. I have to say, when I think of UT, I think Peyton Manning & Fat Phil, and pay little mind to the lackluster coaching of Derek Dooley. It's almost like Dooley hasn't even been there at all.  

His overall head-coaching numbers are just 28 wins to 34 losses, and his record at the helm of the once heralded Volunteers’ program is a pitiful 11-14.

That's the same record as Joker Phillips.

And even Kentucky football fans want to fire Joker.

Just reading about Dooley on Wikipedia brings back haunting memories of Mike Shula’s term at Alabama – a time I have tried very hard to forget. How bad has the Derek Dooley era been at Tennessee? I actually find myself feeling sorry for Tennessee fans.

If you Google the name “Derek”, many different names appear in the auto-complete list. Dooley’s, however, is not among them. It is with this knowledge that I offer you the names of other Derek’s whose careers far outshine that of Mr. Derek Dooley.

Every year I break out the DeLorean, hop in with Doc and Marty McFly and we rush forward to the day after the BCS title game. From here my fictional character friends and I can survey the college football season that was. It's a beautiful and breathtaking view of the season that was, a quick summation of the best and most rapid season in all of sports.

It's a view from the future.

Since we now sit ten days from the official kickoff of the college football season, it's time for our annual ten predictions for 2012.

Sometimes a video is so spectacular I'm too giddy to even make y'all wait for the entire mailbag.

This is one of those times.

I've told y'all for a long time that what makes Alabama and Kentucky fans the dumbest fan bases in America is because there's a race to the bottom. You know how living in Palo Alto provides an intellectual laboratory that causes everyone to step up their game? Well, living in Alabama and Kentucky and being a fan of either of these schools does the exact opposite. It causes you to do dumber things, compete to stand out via stupidity. Being a fan of Alabama or Kentucky is like being a member of the anti-Manhattan Project. 

Basically, it leads to a wedding like this, an absolute comedy pyramid from start to finish.

Two Alabama fans decided to get married. That's not necessarily a surprise. But everything else in this YouTube clip is a complete surprise.

Happy Friday.

(And condolences to the intelligent Alabama fans. Yes, there are lots of them too. In fact, several of them sent along this clip to OKTC. They're the ones you see right now in your office with their hands covering their faces, peeking through their fingers, truly aghast at what their fan base can manage).

Yesterday we brought you the Arkansas fan with the rabid Razorback covering his entire back. That was an uncomfortable mess of a tattoo. But at least it was fiery, wild, and soaked in masculinity -- and meth, lots of meth. In that article we pointed out that Alabama and Kentucky fans were unlikely to take that tattoo standing down. After all, when it comes to idiots, both fan bases rule the college sports landscape and don't like being challenged. But I didn't think it would happen this quickly.

So you can imagine my surprise when I wake up this morning and y'all are Tweeting me a story about a $1700 Bama tattoo that took ten hours to create. 

Yes, it's really an elephant rushing through a Crimson Tide.

And that's really his back with that image.

Forever.

Roll Tide.

Every time an Alabama fan does something stupid, I think, this absolutely can't be topped.

And then it's topped.

So far Arkansas fans have escaped OKTC's collection of awkward fan photos.

Really, that's pretty amazing.

Because Arkansas is a bit like Alabama and Kentucky, a provincial state with low numbers of new residents moving in to balance out rooting interests, lots of really dumb people, and no other team to follow in the state. In fact, you can make an argument that Arkansas fans should be dumber and crazier than Alabama or Kentucky fans since there isn't even an Auburn or Louisville to dilute the dumb and crazy in their state. But that isn't the case. Arkansas fans are clearly not as dumb as Kentucky and Alabama fans.

But this tattoo which several of you Tweeted to me?

It's worthy of an Alabama or Kentucky fan.

Just gaze upon it with wonder and glee, it's the Sistine Chapel of SEC tattoos.

Six years ago I left on my Dixieland Delight tour. I started in Knxoville and finished in Atlanta with the Florida Gators winning the SEC championship over Arkansas. The SEC has won the national title every year since the 2006 season. So clearly I'm good luck. Five years ago the book was published and tens of thousands of y'all have read it since. As sports books go, Dixieland was about as successful as a non-Michael Lewis tome can be. Every year since Dixieland I've eagerly awaited the release of the SEC schedule because it's exciting to think about what might be. The games, the fun, the feeling of walking through a campus moments before a Southern kickoff. 

Truly, there is nothing better in sporting life.  

For those of us who were fortunate enough to be at last year's LSU-Alabama game in Tuscaloosa, we experienced a heavenly scene, the day when the South achieved college football perfection. 

Sometimes, when the ball is teed up and both teams are lined across the field awaiting the kickoff, I have to pinch myself to confirm that I really do this for a living.