All That and a Bag of Mail: Alabama Van and Kentucky Leg Edition
By Clay Travis
Every now and then I get an email asking why OKTC picks on Alabama and Kentucky fans so much.
The easy answer is, there's no intent to make fun of those schools any more than any other. I'm happy to make fun of Tennessee, Florida, Ohio State, Georgia, Auburn, Michigan, Texas A&M, really, you name a school and I'm happy to ridicule it.
We're equal opportunity when it comes to ridicule here.
But Kentucky and Alabama have the largest amount of dumb fans in the country.
And there's not even a close third.
Believe me, I wish there was. I'd be even richer.
And if you have more dumb fans than anyone else, then there's a greater chance of your dumb fans doing dumb things.
Which happens all the time.
This means that these two fan bases consistently outkick the coverage of every other fan base's stupidity.
And today we've got a 99 yard punt combination from both fan bases.
First, thanks to Tiffany Angle -- one of the smart Bama fans -- she threatened her ten year old by telling him she was interested in buying the van -- we now have pictures of the Alabama fan van's other side.
That's a Destin shrimp boat captain holding a prosthetic leg. He found it in his shrimp net.
A UK fan had a fake leg with the Wildcat logo on it and then he lost it in the ocean.
Yes, he lost his leg.
With the UK wildcat logo on it.
Until a shrimp boat captain found it.
I'm filled with questions about this.
How in the world did this happen?
How could you lose your leg?
I mean, I'd be pissed if I ever lost my cell phone in the ocean.
How did this guy get home? How are you in a position where it's even possible to lose your leg? Can you insure fake legs? Did he make a claim when he lost his leg in the ocean?
Y'all tracked down the location of the Bama fan, we have to know who this Kentucky fan is and how he lost the leg.
It's got to be an amazing story.
But, until then, the logo on the fake leg, really? There's a demand for this?
Multiple stoned and drunk readers via Twitter:
Where will you be at Bonnaroo?
The reason the mailbag is going up so early this week is because tomorrow I'll be a celebrity bartender at Bonnaroo.
Yes, this is the broadest definition of "celebrity" this side of Rob Kardashian.
I'm at B5 starting at two in the afternoon.
Lots of y'all say you will be there.
So I hope to meet you.
Topless girls get a free drink.
What would you do to increase NHL ratings?
It's simple -- alligators on the ice.
I got the idea because "Swamp People" did a 6.0 rating in Nashville while the Stanley Cup has put up a .4 each of the past two games.
So clearly alligators draw a lot better on television than hockey does.
But what if you combined the two?
I mean, hell, who wouldn't watch alligators on the ice?
Think about how awesome this would be.
The possibility that at any moment the alligator might attack a player. Instead of checking a player into the boards you could try to check him into the alligator.
It would do a ten rating.
I only have two concerns: a. would the alligator freeze to death and b. well, there really isn't a second concern.
So, what do you think, would the alligator survive?
What if you put him in a jacuzzi during each intermission to warm up?
Basically, why hasn't anyone put an alligator on ice on television before?
Clearly, I need my own network.
Jason R. writes:
Just got done reading your latest Awkward Fan Photos article about the Bama Family Fan Van, I've got to say these are the best articles you write. However, the fact that you're even questioning whether to buy the van worries me. If you don't buy that van I will seriously question your allegiance to the SEC, and may even start thinking of you as a closet Big Ten fan (I'm a Michigan fan by the way, so we'd love to have you on our side). Also, if you don't buy the van, I will spam you every day with "your gay" emails.
Do the right thing, buy the van."
I'm with you, I have to buy the van. And I'm not a Big Ten fan -- don't you dare suggest it! -- but I do root for my wife's alma mater of Michigan over every other Big Ten team.
And I'm going out Saturday to negotiate for the van.
It's like OKTC's own Batmobile.
Especially since I came up with the idea of getting a vanity license plate for the van that reads, "yourgay."
I mean, this thing is a comedy pyramid.
Can you imagine how entertaining the reality show would be if I spent the 2012 SEC season driving to games in this thing? Especially the games that Bama wasn't even playing in. And before the games even started if I covered the Harvery Updyke trial with this van always in the background of any interview I did?
This is pure genius.
But my wife didn't think the idea was brilliant.
Especially since we haven't even started college funds for the kids yet.
I told her the van was listed at $4,500 and then this happened.
Me: "Look at this van how awesome would it be to..."
Me: "It would be so cool if...
Wife: No. We're not spending that much money on frivolous humor. "
She may well be right, but this joke is worth much more than $4,500.