I'm writing the anonymous mailbag rapidly here on two hours sleep after the incredible Alabama-Clemson game. We got back to the hotel at two in the morning, I worked on show prep until after three and then hopped up for the radio show at 530 AM this morning.
But does the hardest working man in sports media take off the anonymous mailbag even when he's only slept for two hours? Of course not.
In the meantime I'm hopping a flight now to head back to Nashville, but here we go with the anonymous mailbag.
As always, please send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
With that in mind, here we go:
"My wife was recently approached by another man's wife for some girl on girl action. It was a random invitation. The story is the other woman wants to surprise her husband with this for his birthday, as he is apparently only interested in watching the show and is into black women. The other girl found my wife on his Facebook friends list and supposedly randomly reached out because she is black. She knows the other man because they went to high school together, but have not had real contact since then. Doubt it matters, but I'm white and so are they.
Now my situation. My wife believes me to be a little bit of a prude because I don't talk about sex much and have never been too experimental. Truth is I'm not that much of a prude; I just have some insecurities (I'm a grower not a shower) and a touch of jealousy. I don't want another man to touch my wife.
My wife approached me with the idea to feel me out, and my usual cautiousness due to the other man being around to watch has caused her to decide not to follow through this weekend. However, I didn't say no and I've actually encouraged her experimentation a couple of times thinking I might be able to parlay this into a threesome. Essentially I'm trying to allow my wife to experiment in hopes of involving myself down the road.
My wife seems to have genuine interest, but doesn't believe me yet that I'll be ok with it. I've just never openly promoted experimentation out of respect for her, and fearing the potential traps of that conversation gone bad. My question is how do I take this experience and build on it down the road? Because of my lack of conversation here I've never realized my wife might be interested in branching out like that. How do I convince her that I really am ok with it? Without making her think I'm bored with her, want to move on, etc. because that's not the case and I don't want her to feel that."
Okay, first of all I don't believe this is the way this topic actually came up. I don't believe that any woman randomly messages a Facebook friend of her husband's -- who she doesn't already know -- and asks if she'd be in for some girl on girl action while her husband watches.
I mean, talk about a hail mary. How many married women are going to respond favorably to this offer from a total stranger. "Hey, my husband would like to watch the two of us hook up, are you game?"
And how about the awkwardness of sending this message on Facebook?!
It gets even more awkward when you toss the race into the equation here. "Hey, my husband would like to watch me hook up with a black chick and you're Facebook friends with him and black so do you want to bump clams?"
I mean, come on.
So I don't think your wife is being entirely honest about how this subject initially came up. I don't know how it first came up, but there's no way that a random Facebook message came asking if she'd like to hook up with a random woman that she'd never met while her former high school classmate, whom she doesn't really interact with any longer, sits in a dark room and watches two women go to town. That part of this story isn't completely honest. If I had to guess at all, I'd say that your wife was contacted by the dude here and he broached the subject initially and she was receptive -- maybe because they hooked up before in high school -- and then talked with his wife.
I just don't believe she was randomly solicited by this woman.
Also, do you really think he's just going to watch?
What percentage of men can watch two women make out and sit completely alone throughout the entire event? Isn't that weird and much creepier than actually being involved? Especially if one of them is your wife? So I think you have to assume some minimum amount of contact even if it's just between him and his wife.
Having said all of this, if you're looking to experiment more, why not request one of two things going forward: Either you and the other guy both get to watch -- I actually think two women hooking up with an audience, absurdly, becomes less creepy the more people who watch -- or you do what college teams do and set up a home and home. Your wife goes to have fun at his house and then the other girl agrees to come have fun at your house for your entertainment.
Bang, am I the sexual Solomon or what?
"I'm in my early 30's, as is my wife. We have two girls, 19 months and 4 months old. My saint of a wife has basically been pregnant for the last two years. After we got married and up until we had the first kid, sex was pretty regular, 2-3 times per week at least, peaking around 4 times per week while trying for our first kid. This was great, about what I expected for married life. I was happy, we got along great, all that good stuff.
After the first kid was born we literally had sex three times and got surprised with pregnancy number two. That was right before Christmas 2015. Fast forward to today, and December 2015 is still the last time I had sex. What. The. F. I've had multiple conversations with her about this. She says she's tired and all that post baby stuff, which I get. But she honestly can't find 10 minutes (more like 2 minutes if I'm being honest) to take her husband to Bone City? I call BS. What is really going on here? She's not having an affair, that I'm certain of. So what could it be? Does she suddenly hate sex? Will this ever change for me? She knows how I feel about the lack of sex, but what else can I do to get our sex life back? Should I stop helping out around the house with things she needs until I get what I need? Do I even have a (third) leg to stand on here? Would love to know if anyone else has been in my situation and if they are still married. I'm reaching a breaking point here. Was turned down (again) last night so I slept on the couch.
I'm tired of having a roommate. Use your gay Muslim wisdom to help me get my wife back."
At an absolute minimum, I think you need to go to sexual counseling because this isn't normal behavior from your wife. And I don't think your becoming more of a dick is going to remedy this situation. But I do think something more substantial might be at play here.
It sounds like she's blaming you for having another kid this quickly. Which, let's be honest, having two kids that young is pretty hellish, but it's not like it's your fault. I don't know why the birth control failed, but when you start having sex again you need to get the most heavy duty birth control imaginable. Hell, if you're happy with two kids and ready to call it quits you can take matters into your own hands and go get snipped.
But if the four month old isn't sleeping through the night and things are rough around the house your wife may have a severe case of post partum depression, in which case you need to get her help. Lots of women have babies and enter into a deep depression after giving birth. This is made all the worse because new mothers feel like they're supposed to be happy about having kids and instead they are miserable and depressed and sometimes even suicidal. So my guess here is that something is going on with her psychologically and the lack of sex is just a symptom of the larger issues she's confronting not the root cause itself.
So I would get doctors involved here and try to get your wife back healthy.
The sex will follow.
As a general rule, because we're so sex obsessed, men tend to look at lack of sex as the cause of a problem whereas I think, for women especially, lack of sex is almost always a symptom of a larger issue not the issue itself.
"I'm just gonna get straight to the point with this one. I tackled my first cougar recently. Went to a bar one night after work (I'm in my early 20s), meet this gorgeous woman next to me. Complete smokeshow, get to talking, turns out she's a mid-30s mother of one, elementary school teacher who's recently divorced. In my drunken stupor I somehow get her number and we go out a few times. After a few times I get us a hotel room while she booked a babysitter. Sex was good, but I also knew she hadn't had sex in over a year.
Second time I got us a hotel room... WOW. No girl my age can bang like that. It was incredible. That was the best sexual experience of my life.
Here's my problem: before that 2nd time even happened, we've actually let it play in our minds what it would be like if we were ever serious with each other. We've stayed up til 2 am some nights talking about everything.. What we want out of life, the way our minds work, etc. She likes me cause I don't think like the typical 20s guy, I like her cause she not self-centered like every other girl my age with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.
We've agreed that we're not going to make this public right off the bat. She has a career with kids involved and I have no clue how I'm going to tell my parents, friends, etc. My friends think it's just some fling, but it's starting to escalate. My dad would just shake his head and be like what the fuck are you doing? My mom would absolutely flip her lid. Their opinion means a lot to me so how do I go about this with my folks? I could really use you help here."
Chances are you'll break up before you need to tell your parents.
So don't tell them anything about this.
Let's say that she's 35 and you're 23, that a pretty substantial age difference. Particularly because she has a kid and you don't. Do you want kids? Do you want to take on the responsibility of helping to raise someone else's kid? That might be a heady thing to decide, but if you ended up together you'd almost immediately need to have kids with her.
Again, I absolutely, positively wouldn't rush this. My bet is it's a fling for both of you. Because I don't think there are very many divorced women with children who want to date a guy 12 years younger than them.
And I don't think there are many 23 year olds who seriously want to step into the life of a 35 year old with kids.
So I think it eventually ends.
In the meantime, enjoy the sex.
"So, like most people having sex that aren't married, I'm trying to figure out the best way to not become a father. I'm sorry if you've been asked this before, but what method of contraception would you recommend? I'm in high school and about to turn 18, and my girlfriend is 17. I was researching it, and there are just so many different options. I thought this would be an awesome question for you, and a lot of people reading the mailbag would probably want to know your suggestion (for both high schoolers and those out of high school). I started following Outkick a few months ago, and all of my friends and I agree that you are by far the best voice in sports. Thanks for the help!"
Just like I always expected when I started writing online back in 2004, high school kids are coming to me for sex advice.
First, you're 18, your goal should be to use every contraception device imaginable. So you should 100% only have sex with condoms. The bonus here is that the condoms will help you last more than 19 seconds when you have sex.
Second, you need to figure out what your girlfriend is doing for contraception. I believe that every girl should go on birth control at 16 or so and stay on birth control until she decides she wants to try and have kids. I understand some people disagree with that for religious reasons, but I have a crazy idea -- God doesn't want you to have a baby until you're ready to be great parents. And in my experience no high school kid is ready to be a great parent. I know, crazy talk.
So your girlfriend should go see her gynecologist and decide which option works best for her. I'd suggest an intrauternine device, or IUD. It's the most effective method of birth control and doesn't require her to remember to take a pill every day. Then when you guys have sex she should be on an IUD and you should always wear a condom too.
"This Christmas I got left behind by my wife and her family on the way to church. The plan was to leave at 8 AM and arrive by 8:30 for a 9 AM mass. As I was finishing getting dressed around 8 AM, my wife knocked on the bedroom door and yelled at me to get my ass moving. When I walked out the door at 8:03 AM, they'd already left. There was a car I could take to meet up with them, but I was so shocked by this fuck-you of a move that rendezvousing was the last thing I wanted to do.
It's my fault for being a few minutes late around a family that's the complete opposite when it comes to punctuality, but isn't this kind of ditching a little extreme? I mean, of all the times to make a statement like this, they didn't hesitate to do it for the occasion of going to church (of all places) and on Christmas Day (of all days)! Isn't there a big difference between saying that you're going to leave someone behind, and actually doing it?"
Are you married to Nick Saban?
Your wife is an asshole for doing this. Especially on the way to Christmas for church.
I mean, what do your kids think when this happens? They have to think it's weird for mom to leave dad at home when they're going to church for Christmas, right?
Sometimes in situations like this I think it's instructive to take a breath and try to think outside of yourself. That is, pretend that you aren't inside your body and you were objectively viewing this situation. Would you think, "My God, what an asshole that person is." If you would think that about yourself it's probably not good to do that thing.
Especially here where it's just so petty.
What is your wife actually gaining by leaving and making you drive yourself to church on Christmas? Two or three minute of additional time? Now if we asked your wife what her motivation is I'm sure your wife would say that she's sick of you taking so long to get ready and I'm sure she would also say that she can manage to get the kids ready and get herself ready and your lazy ass is still not ready to leave.
Even still, there's a time and place for everything.
I will say this to guys out there reading this -- if you can get ready before your wife gets ready and then simply say to her, "What can I do to help get the kids ready?" you will build yourself so much goodwill behavior by this simple gesture that it will blow your mind.
If you're anything like me, it takes you literally three minutes to get ready. This is no exaggeration. Men can get ready so quickly that we're totally baffled by how long it takes women to get themselves ready. Think about your wife as the equivalent of a Nascar pit crew, there are a million details she has to take care of to make sure she looks right.
Here's another lesson for you -- whenever a woman does something it almost never is a reaction to a single event. Women catalog a series of events in their mind -- seriously, they are constantly keeping score even when you don't realize a game is being played -- and then boom, they're like volcanoes that suddenly erupt.
And then you find yourself standing there in the molten lava just burning to death and you have no idea what just happened.
The goal of every married man is to get burned by molten lava as rarely as possible. That's what successful marriages are made of.
Thanks for the mailbag questions, I'm hopping a flight back to Nashville now, but thank all of you for another great college football season on Outkick.
And congrats to Clemson's Dabo Swinney on killing Alabama's Nick Saban/Darth Vader.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org for next week, anonymity guaranteed.