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The Bachelorette Recap, Episode Five: So Salty I'm Ghana Vomit

Forget LaLaLand, Santa Barbara, and Connecticut, Andi thinks France is now the perfect location to fall in love. Everything is "working" and "happening" how it's "supposed" to.

Forget LaLaLand, Santa Barbara, and Connecticut, Andi thinks France is the perfect location to fall in love. Everything is “working” and “happening” how it’s “supposed” to. Sttooooppp it, you guys. It’s LIKE the best feeling ever, just LIKE the best. Andi has never been to France, which is shocking after her night one grilling of where everyone’s parents paid for them to get drunk and study abroad during college. Chris Harrison, man with the easiest job in the world, is wearing turtlenecks in this episode. Try a little harder to look like a European tool bag, Chris. In the spirit of the World Cup, this week I’m awarding a “Sac Up” Cup, a Red Card, and a Yellow Card. Also because besides goals it’s the only thing I know about soccer. You’re excited now! Let’s recap this how we are “supposed” to.

One-On-Andi: Did you guys know that Josh really feels like he deserves a one-on-Andi date and that he is shy and not a typical athlete? I’m Ghana vomit. (Side note: are y’all as tired of me using Ghana as a verb as I am of seeing y’all do it for EVERYTHING on Twitter?) Andi tells us that Josh is the stereotypical athlete she normally goes for and that she’s done the “serious athlete life” before. Her ex-boyfriend played at Wake Forest, so HA. Huge Jim Grobe fan though. Naturally, Josh gets the one on one and they head off to the market place in FRANCE, in case you missed that.

They pretend to get food, but nobody actually ever eats the food that they are given on this show, ever. They walk around the city and remind us how charming it is. Then for the 587th time Josh tells us he’s not a typical athlete. So much so that he mentions, less than subtly, that he was drafted as the 7th pick in the 2nd round. Next they get on a boat conveniently waiting on them, sit on some rocks by the water, then head to dinner. After dinner is a concert. They dance and make out, and by dance I mean bob their legs. I’m a high school cheerleading coach and my 17 cheerleaders said the word like fewer times yesterday than Josh and Andi did in four minutes. That is impressive enough to earn a rose, which Josh does.

Back at the house, our little drama weasel JJ, the pantsapreneur, is telling Marquel that Andrew called him a “blackie,” which I agree is wrong. JJ then tells us that he was drunk and quite possibly could’ve heard him wrong, but that he definitely said it. This guy wants to be Regina George so bad, but he’s more of a Gretchen. Marquel gets all wound up and gives us a speech where he cries and it kind of hurts my heart and I want to go get Bo Pelini’s cat for him to cuddle.  

Red Card of the week: JJ, for starting all of the unnecessary drama over something he thought he heard when he was hammered.

Group Date: (Chris, Marcus, Marquel, Andrew, Pat, Nick, Dylan, JJ & Cody) Dreams come true for me and they are going to be MIMES! Yay, we don’t have to hear Macklemore Meathead Cody speak! This is the date where Andi begins her use of the word salty. I had a feeling there were a lot of people at home who were confused by this word so I took it upon myself to look it up on Urban Dictionary. At OKTC we are all about reliable sources. Go ahead and send me my Pulitzer.

“Salty: A word originating in Philadelphia (Had To) generally meaning that you just got played, or are looking stupid, either because of something you did, or something was done to you.”

Does Andi ever use the word salty correctly? Nope. Color me surprised. They go to the MIME studio (a thing that exists) and pretend this is fun. First stripping; now miming. There’s some irony here in finding a husband this way... I just haven’t quite figured it out yet. They go out into the skreetz and mime. A baby cries watching them, which symbolizes how I feel knowing there is still an hour of this show left. Nick V., according to Andi, is acting really “salty” and like he doesn’t want to be there. Remember Andi, you wanted them to be honest and be themselves.

After miming, the group date heads to some castle for dinner and a cocktail party. This is where JJ, who is wearing Auburn colors, wishes he had a phone and could 3-way call Marquel and Andrew but not tell Andrew that Marquel is on the phone. Marquel confronts Andrew about calling him blackie. Andrew denies it and gets really pissed that he was even accused of it in the first place.

Nick V. tells Andi he doesn’t enjoy group dates, apparently forgetting what show he is on. He also admits to Macklemore Meathead Cody that he believes he is one of the front runners. I appreciate his confidence. Marcus whines about Nick V’s arrogance. Chris, my favorite farmer, is just as sweet and adorable with his dimples as he can be.

Cody gets angry at Nick V. for “mocking” him and starts yelling about how it’s a big deal for him to go on this show and he’s #SoBlessed and #SoThankful. Cody also sneaks in that he loves to cook. Sorry bro, protein shakes do not count. Also, 2/1 odds this guy owns a shake weight. I can’t help but laugh every time Cody speaks. He’s what the cast of Jersey Shore aspires to.

Andi tells Nick V. he’s “salty” 5 times in approximately 12 seconds, I timed it. He then reads her a poem, if it can even be called that. I’m Ghana vomit. Poems are so awkward. The only time you should write a girl a poem is MAYBE when you are getting engaged or before your wedding. That is it. JJ gets the group date rose because he took time for the little things during the date, a.k.a. stole her away for a ride on a Ferris wheel. Cheaters never win, JJ. Didn’t you learn that at Stanford?  

“Sac Up” Cup of the Week: Nick V. Stop whining and mime. You’re salty.

Yellow Card of the Week: Andrew, for majorly flopping by telling Andi he had been attacked and bullied by some of the guys in the house. You are not Miss North Dakota. You don’t get to pull the “I’m being bullied” card. I will give points for picking a hot button social issue.

One-On-Andi Date: Brian is as awkward on a date as I imagine Tim Tebow is, who I compared him to. Remember, this is the guy who wouldn’t kiss her when she was basically begging him. They go watch a movie in a mini theatre, which Brian says is the perfect date. Probably because it means he doesn’t have to speak. Andi tortures him with some French movie about cooking. I love to cook, but this movie looks miserable. They go shopping for ingredients in the marketplace and cook dinner together. Brian, who should’ve been a mime, says maybe 10 words. When Andi asks how he likes his broccoli, he says “different ways, I guess.” Palm to face. If this guy is a coach, how is he under pressure? He’s got to have a playoff record comparable to the Cowboys.

Next they go to an actual restaurant where Andi calls him out for being awkward and quiet while they were cooking. He tells her he’s a coach and was strategizing and apologizes. He still doesn’t open up very much, but he gets a rose. For someone as argumentative and defensive as Andi, her inability to send someone home on a one-on-one date is mind boggling. There is no connection whatsoever with these two.

Promo: ABC promotes their new show where Ludacris is a judge after the one-on-one date. We’re supposed to download the app for it, but Ludacris couldn’t show up on time. Ludacris is never on time. He’s been at least an hour late to every concert I’ve been to of his. Yeah, I’m from the A. I like Ludacris. Judge me. Some sweet souls actually downloaded the app so we could all get a sneak preview of Bachelor in Paradise. It can be summed up as such: Clare is making out in more oceans, Chris Harrison has the best job in America, Michelle Money is still insane, and I’m probably going to willingly watch and recap this for you all. I feel like somehow I’m the loser in this situation? Whatever.

Rose Ceremony: Andi meets with Chris Harrison to discuss the cocktail party for that night and pulls a “big surprise” by saying she already knows who she wants to send home and it’s more than two guys, it’s….THREE!! Earlier this week, thanks to the ever reliable US Weekly, I learned that Andi was home schooled during high school to play tennis. This explains why every rose ceremony she looks like she’s going to prom in an overly sequined dress with an updo that she and her mother argued about. JJ, Josh, and Brian already have roses. The rest of the guys, especially Cody who had big plans to steal her away right off the bat, are not happy about the decision to not have a cocktail party.

See Ya Never: Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel. Andrew and Patrick are thrilled to be able to take their bromance back to LA together. They were both liking all of my tweets during live tweeting of the episode, but then when I asked if they get fro-yo and stuff together, no answer. Looks like there may be trouble in paradise. It’s ok Patrick, I’ll be in LA next month for the ESPYs, and you can be my date. Marquel then gives us a super sad and tearful exit interview. Good news for him is that season two of Orange is the New Black has been released on Netflix, his Saturday night go-to. Plus Whimsy Cookie Company can FedEx the world’s best cookies since he’s probably too depressed to bake his own.

Next Week: They are going to a city where they can actually fall in love… Venice! Also, Andi is going to give them all lie detector tests, because she’s insane.