The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America: #4 Arkansas
Published on: September 17, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis
What would happen if every dumb person in the nation's dumbest Southern state all rooted for the same team?
You'd have the Arkansas Razorback fan base.
Razorback fan idiocy is pure, undistilled, unadulterated stupidity. If you drank it, you'd be drunk for a month in a row and would probably go blind. You'd file Freedom of Information requests for your own coach's cell phone records and start wearing a hog hat within days. You're a special kind of dumb, the kind that has never left the state of Arkansas in three hundred years and truly believes that Razorback sports are the greatest in the country. Every other team pales in comparison, Arkansas fans really believe they're the greatest in the nation.
Woo Pig Soooooie!
All fan bases are provincial and myopic to some degree, but Arkansas fans really believe they should be contending for national championships in football every year.
That's because they all drink the Razorback kool-aid and go insane.
When I told Razorback fans that they were the ninth best job in the SEC, I got death threats.
And do you really want to argue with the fact that Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Auburn, Texas A&M, LSU, Tennessee, and South Carolina are all better SEC jobs?
I mean, best case scenario, you could argue that Arkansas was the 8th best job in the SEC.
But, no, Arkansas fans really believe that Arkansas is the best job in the country.
They legitimately thought Pete Carroll was going to leave the Seattle Seahawks to come coach the Razorbacks.
It's like people in Moldova arguing Moldova is the best European country.
Razorback idiocy doesn't just infect the dumb people in the state either. Even the smartest Arkansan ever, Bill Clinton, couldn't escape the idiot fan pull.
He really posed on the cover of Sports Illustrated wearing Arkansas warm-ups on the front lawn of the White House.
Think about how crazy this is.
Bill Clinton, a middle-aged President, put on basketball warm-ups and posed in the front yard of the White House.
The only thing that could have made this better is if he'd posed in high-tops and a Todd Day jersey and shorts.
There was a huge controversy in Arkansas over this magazine cover because, and I'm not making this up, the locals were displeased over how Sports Illustrated spelled soooooie on the cover.
"There's no -y in soooooie!," screamed the same Arkansas fans who haven't ever distiguished between your and you're in their entire lives.
Go figure, Arkansas, the state with more misspelled words than any state outside of West Virginia, is suddenly up in arms over grammar.
Hello, it's a made up word!
What's the Dumbest Stereotypical Arkansas Fan Like In His Element?
He's been fired from six different Wal Marts for a variety of employment offenses including, but not limited to, illegally filming with an audio/video display camera in the women's bathroom, stealing Razorback football jerseys that he subsequently lit on fire when Bobby Petrino was fired, hiding ammunition in his pannus -- the fat overlapping gut that every Arkansas fan seems to have from birth -- and smuggling out Viagra pills which were TOTALLY NOT FOR HIM but for a friend instead.
He first married at the age of fifteen and was divorced with four kids by the age of nineteen. Since that time he has married five additional times, the latest time to a cross-dressing stripper who he halfway believes might actually be his daughter/son from an illicit sex act late one night by the Waffle House dumpster.
He blames all of his economic issues on, "the mexicans and Obama," which he has shortened to "the damn m.o." when he calls into sports talk radio shows.
He has never left the state of Arkansas, but he will fight you if he thinks you do not love Arkansas and America as much as he does. To prove his undying fealty to Arkansas and America he got a full back tattoo of an Arkansas Razorback riding a motorcyle and holding an American flag.
To pay for this tattoo he missed six consecutive child support payments.
He once met Darren McFadden out at a local Chili's and said, "Those fajitas are on me, big dog."
He has since told the story about the time he bought Darren McFadden fajitas at Chili's 2,476 times, including, during his father's own eulogy. That was right after he called the hogs for daddy one last time.
For nineteen consecutive years he has given each of his wives the same birthday present every year -- edible panties.
He once gave Houston Nutt a pair of the same edible panties, winked, and said, "The Missus will love them." And Houston Nutt said, "Edible panties! I love these." Then Nutt ate them with his steak at the Razorback club event in Little Rock.
Ask him about it and he'll say, "That's when I knew Houston Nutt had no class."
When Bobby Petrino was fired, he cried for the first time since Clint Stoerner fumbled the football in 1998. On the day Petrino was fired he grabbed an oversized elementary school pencil and wrote, "Your a homo," 1,000 consecutive times on one of his children's oversized school notebook paper. He then drove to athletic director Jeff Long's house and put the pages in his mailbox.
He recently opened a Twitter account and has Tweeted Darren McFadden fourteen straight days saying the same thing every time, "Remembr win I bougt u fagitas at Chilis!"
His profile pic on AdultFriendFinder is him naked wearing a Razorback hat over his face. His profile tagline is, "Lets call the Hog's! (no mexican's)."
That's despite the fact that he has been unable to get an erection since Bobby Petrino was fired as Arkansas head football coach, but the two are, "COMPLETELY UNRELATED."
The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America: