Every year I break out the DeLorean, hop in with Doc and Marty McFly and we rush forward to the day after the BCS title game. From here my fictional character friends and I can survey the college football season that was. It’s a beautiful and breathtaking view of the season that was, a quick summation of the best and most rapid season in all of sports.
It’s a view from the future.
Since we now sit ten days from the official kickoff of the college football season, it’s time for our annual ten predictions for 2012.
1. South Carolina beats USC to win the national title.
The Gamecocks will finish the season 12-1 with a loss at LSU their only blemish. They’ll then clear that blemish by beating undefeated LSU in the SEC title game, slingshotting themselves into the BCS title game.
Steve Spurrier vs. Lane Kiffin with a month’s prelude to the game?
USC vs. USC, the Mayans were right.
(Note: I could be lazy and just predict LSU vs. USC in the BCS title game, but what’s the fun in that? If this game happens, you will never hear the end of this from me. Hell, I might retire and move back to the islands.)
2. The night before the road game at Texas, West Virginia’s Dana Holgorsen will sleep at an Indian casino roulette table in rural Oklahoma.
The next day his offense will crush Texas, pushing Holgorsen’s name up to the top of the list to replace Mack Brown and his 99 year lease on the Longhorn job.
West Virginia goes on to win the Big 12 title in their inaugural season in the conference.
3. Mississippi State will win ten games this season.
And State could win 11 games. Look at that schedule. I’m not kidding about this at all. State on the over at 7.5 is the best SEC bet this side of Kentucky on the under at 4.5.
Dan Mullen will celebrate by interviewing for every head coaching job in America.
When he doesn’t get any of these jobs he will return to Starkville and say, “I’m happy here. I don’t know why you guys won’t believe that.”
4. The ACC and Big East will play football seasons.
No one will notice.
5. After road losses to South Carolina and Mississippi State, the bring back Bobby Petrino to Arkansas Facebook group will have over 400,000 members.
Presently it only has 4,500 members.
But if you want a really damn entertaining ten minutes, read through the comments already posted on the wall, both pro and con for whether Arkansas should bring back Petrino. They’re priceless.
6. Alabama fans will say Les Miles is gay after his Tigers triumph over the Crimson Tide on November 3rd.
Not content with the win, LSU fans will teabag a passed out Bama fan at Baton Rouge’s riverboat casino.
The resulting site traffic revenue of the video posted on OKTC will put both my kids through college.
7. Bret Bielema will win his third straight Big Ten title at Wisconsin.
And he’ll still be the most underrated coach in college football.
Seriously, what does this guy have to do get noticed on a national level as a great coach? His Wisconsin tenure is nothing short of amazing.
8. Tennessee will start off 4-0 for the first time since 2004.
And then lose four straight — at Georgia, at Mississippi State, Alabama, and at South Carolina — to sit at 4-4 coming down the stretch of the season.
There’s a good chance Dooley’s coaching future at UT will come down to what happens at Vanderbilt.
Meanwhile, Vanderbilt’s James Franklin will go 6-6 with a top twenty recruiting class to boot.
This will make him the most sought after coach in America. That’s what back-to-back bowl seasons at Vandy can do, stand out more than three straight Big Ten titles at Wisconsin.
9. Lane Kiffin’s undefeated regular season run will be interrupted by a TMZ headline: he’s impregnated Katy Perry.
Kiffin will explain that it’s all part of his master plan, an endorsement of USC’s new recruiting slogan: “Come to SC, bang hot chicks.”
10. Every SEC coach who has won a national title at his present school has done so within three years.
Urban Meyer did it in 2006 in his second year at Florida.
Gene Chizik did it in his second year at Auburn in 2010. (Thanks, bagman.)
Les Miles did it in his third year at LSU in 2007.
And Nick Saban did it in his third year at Alabama in 2009.
Applying these results to past years this means 2012 is Joker Phillips, Will Muschamp, or Derek Dooley’s year to win it all.