7 Dereks More Successful Than Derek Dooley

Many say the hottest seat in college football this year isin Neyland Stadium, but not in the stands – on the sidelines.  Insiders and pretty much anyone who watchesfootball agree that Derek Dooley’s job is in jeopardy if he doesn’t produce aseason worthy of an SEC Championship.  It has been 14 years since the Vols won a national championship, and five since they won the SEC East title. I have to say, when I think of UT, I think Peyton Manning & Fat Phil, and pay little mind to the lackluster coaching of Derek Dooley. It’s almost like Dooley hasn’t even been there at all.  

His overall head-coaching numbers are just 28 wins to 34 losses, and his record at the helm of the once heralded Volunteers’ program is a pitiful 11-14.

That’s the same record as Joker Phillips.

And even Kentucky football fans want to fire Joker.

Just reading about Dooley on Wikipedia brings back haunting memories of Mike Shula’s term at Alabama – a time I have tried very hard to forget. How bad has the Derek Dooley era been at Tennessee? I actually find myself feeling sorry for Tennessee fans.

If you Google the name “Derek”, many different names appear in the auto-complete list. Dooley’s, however, is not among them. It is with this knowledge that I offer you the names of other Derek’s whose careers far outshine that of Mr. Derek Dooley.

7 Derek’s More Successful Than Dooley

1)     Derek Jeter

Might as well lead off with the obvious. The five time World Series champion has been at the forefront of the Yankees franchise since he was drafted out of high school in 1992. Jeter has ruined many of my good moods leading the Yankees to victories over some of my favorite teams in baseball. He is the current clubhouse leader in all-time career hits, games played, stolen bases, starlets slept with, and total at-bats. He’s been selected to the All-Star team thirteen times, has won five Gold Glove Awards, and is just the 28th player in Major League history to reach 3,000 hits. Derek Dooley has a multi-year contract earning him over 2 million a year- 10% of Jeter’s 2011 estimated net worth of $125 million.

Clearly Jeter wins this Battle of the Dereks, by roughly 115 million dollars.

2)     Derek Zoolander

Though initially haunted by a string of bad luck – losing an intense modeling walk-off judged by David Bowie, dealing with the deaths of his three flatmates and colleagues in a freak gasoline fight accident, being rejected by his father and brothers for being just a little too in touch with his metrosexual side – Zoolander triumphs in the fashion world and is even accepted by his backwoods father (cue the “Awwwww”). He even starts a nonprofit: “The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.”  To my knowledge, Derek Dooley’s ability to read has never been questioned. After all, he went to the University of Virginia, not Auburn. However, Dooley could greatly benefit from the “learn to do other stuff good too” part of Zoolander’s center. Maybe he could learn to coach better, or at the very least, learn to shake his little tush on the catwalk.

Especially since Derek is really good looking, did he miss his calling in life? Should he have been a model? What’s the model equivalent of LSU?

Blue steel meets the Big Blue steal one.

3)     Derek Hough

I know – you’re thinking “Who? How can he be more successful than Dooley if I’ve never even heard of him?” Derek Hough is not only the hottie brother of gorgeous country singer and dancer Julianne Hough (aka the other half of Ryan Seacrest), he is also one of the professionals on Dancing with the Stars. He’s won the show’s top prize three times and has been honored with several Creative Arts Primetime Emmy nominations for his choreography on the show.  I admit I’ve never watched a single episode of DWTS. However, I do have to consider Mr. Hough as being more successful in his line of work than Dooley is in his chosen profession.  In 2002, Hough won the title of International DanceSport Federation Youth Latin Champion, making him the world champion in Latin Dance. (Presumably there were other competitors as well). Derek Dooley has yet to be the champion of ANYTHING.

4)     Bo Derek

Everyone in the universe over the age of thirty can conjure a mental image of Bo Derek running down the beach in that flesh colored swimsuitwith her cornrows swinging behind her.  She’s an actress best known for bearing her bod multiple times in Playboy and also in the movies “Tarzan The Ape Man” and “10”. Derek Dooley doesn’t even have ten wins in a single season. Hell, Dooley doesn’t have nine wins in a single season. But he does have eight in a season! 

Once.  

Enough said.

5)     Derek Shepherd

Can’t forget Dr. McDreamy! Derek Shepherd, the neurosurgeon from TV’s Grey’s Anatomy, was formerly the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital.  Shepherd has performed countless successful neurological surgeries, including an unauthorized one that lasted a record 26 hours. Derek is at this very moment fighting to stay alive after a plane crash killed his wife’s half sister, and we won’t know what happens to him until this fall’s season premier.  Oh, the drama!!  Yes, of course I realize that Derek Shepherd, Derek Zoolander, is entirely fictional. However, actor Patrick Dempsey’s beloved character is one of the most recognizable in showbiz, earning him a hefty $250,000 PER EPISODE. (Which sounds like a lot until you realize that thus far Derek Dooley has been paid $500,000 per SEC win).  While SEC fans would most certainly recognize Dooley, Grey’s Anatomy fans all over the world recognize Dr. McDreamy.

6)     Danielle Derek

Um…Danielle Derek is a porn star. If you know who she is, you probably won’t admit it. I hadn’t heard of her until I started doing research for this piece, and I’m not just saying that because my husband will read this. I’d love to post a picture of her, but I couldn’t find a single one with her clothes on, so you’re on your own if you want to know what she looks like.  According to “sources”, her best work includesthe films “Chronicles of a Pervert”, “Meet the Twins”, and “Big & Busty Stripper Babes.” Ms. Derek has won absolutely zero awards, is a Virgo (oh the irony), and has a 34GGG bust measurement. She’s really not more successful than Dooley. I just felt it was necessary to inform you that there is a woman out there with boobs that big.

7)     Derek Anderson

Derek “Peaches” Anderson was a friend of mine in college. While Dooley hasn’t spent more than two years with any football organization, Anderson has maintained a decent job with the same insurance company for the past eight years, hasn’t missed an Alabama home game since he was12, and has an unprecedented 112-14 record at frat house Beer Pong. 

And THAT, my friends, deserves some respect.

(Editor’s note: Due to a technical issue, this article was previously attributed to Clay Travis. The byline has been corrected.)

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