All That and a Bag of Mail

It’s Friday and believe it or not the Outkick mailbag may be the last bastion of sanity in the sea of stupidity that now passes for daily news in this country. 

Here is my reaction to last night’s Republican debate. You know how humble I am, but this is probably the best reaction to the Republican debate in the country. 

The latest absurdity afflicting our country: students at Bowdoin College are in an uproar over a tequila party that featured — wait for it — mini sombreros. Mini fucking sombreros. You need to read this Washington Post article.

From the article, and yes this is real life:

“Those “other things” included the miniature sombreros, several inches in diameter. And when photos of attendees wearing those mini-sombreros showed up on social media, students and administrators went ballistic.

College administrators sent multiple schoolwide emails notifying the students about an “investigation” into a possible “act of ethnic stereotyping.”

Partygoers ultimately were reprimanded or placed on “social probation,” and the hosts have been kicked out of their dorm, according to friends.”

THE HOSTS HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF THEIR DORMS FOR A TEQUILA BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH MINIATURE SOMBRERO HATS!

Can you imagine if your kid got kicked out of his or her dorm for wearing a miniature sombrero? I mean, everyone at Bowdoin can’t be this PC, right? The vast majority of students have to realize that this is insanely stupid, right? 

But wait, there’s more:

“The school newspaper editorialized about attendees’ lack of “basic empathy” and placed the event in the context of two other controversially themed parties from the past two years: a “gangster party” (at which some students showed up with cornrows and gold chains) and a racially insensitive Thanksgiving party (where some dressed as Pilgrims and Native Americans).

Within days, the Bowdoin Student Government unanimously adopted a “statement of solidarity” to “[stand] by all students who were injured and affected by the incident,” and recommend that administrators “create a space for those students who have been or feel specifically targeted.”

The statement deemed the party an act of “cultural appropriation,” one that “creates an environment where students of color, particularly Latino, and especially Mexican, students feel unsafe.” The effort to purge the two representatives who attended the party, via impeachment, soon followed.”

I weep for America.

This is one of the top colleges in America. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when these kids get to real jobs? We’re all doomed.  

Instead of colleges hiring all these fucking diversity coordinators who run around looking for bullshit to get upset about — HOW IS IT RACIALLY INSENSITIVE TO DRESS AS PILGRIMS AND NATIVE AMERICANS AT A GODDAMN THANKSGIVING PARTY? — every college needs a YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY DIRECTOR. And when a student comes and complains about bullshit he or she has to wear a gigantic “I’M A FUCKING PUSSY” sign all over campus for a week. And everyone has to point and laugh at that student for being a fucking pussy. 

And if the pussy doesn’t wear the I’m a fucking pussy sign then he or she gets kicked out of school. 

See, ridicule is good. We’ve enabled the pussies too much in our society. Somebody wears a sombrero and you don’t like it? Guess what, fucking deal with it. I hate every motherfucker who wears a sideways baseball cap — either go forwards or backwards you asshole — but somehow I haven’t curled up in the fetal position and demanded a safe space. College kids need to learn that they aren’t special, sensitive flowers. They need to be shamed and ridiculed when they act like pussies. We need to toughen up all these fucking losers on campus. 

I don’t even wear hats and this story makes me want to start wearing sombreros everywhere I go. 

I’m so pissed about these stupid motherfuckers at Bowdoin that my blood is boiling. Stories like this, by the way, are why Donald Trump has so much support. The PC bros are actually killing America so badly that we may elect a guy president who brags about his dick size in a debate and calls a rival candidate a pussy.

You can criticize Donald Trump for a ton of things but he’s running an entire campaign modeled on one idea: I AM NOT A PUSSY.

And he may win based on that platform! 

Anyway, on to the mailbag. 

“My husband and I returned from a destination wedding last week in the Caribbean. We stayed at a medium sized, pricey all-inclusive resort. This particular area is also popular with European travelers. Two of the partners in my husband’s physician practice spotted this old guy. (Our reader attached a picture of an older man in a bathing suit, sunbathing — seemingly asleep — with his balls hanging out of his swimsuit.)

We assume he was European, he was truly sleeping and he was not some weirdo exhibitionist. But this question has plagued us ever since: what is the ethical response to this? Does some brave soul approach him and spray his balls with sunscreen? Do you allow him to continue basking in the sun and soaking in all of its UV rays? Do you nudge him and warn him of this dire situation?

We chose to do nothing. Ol’ Crispy Balls walked a little funny for the rest of the week.”

I think a guy has to wake him up and let him know his balls are exposed.

This becomes even funnier if he doesn’t speak English and you have to try and explain his balls are exposed without being able to use your native language.

Related: what is it about old dudes that they can’t feel their balls exposed? Wouldn’t you feel the hot sun on your balls? Wouldn’t you feel the air blowing on your balls? Hell, wouldn’t your balls outside of the pants be stretched and uncomfortable? I’m always readjusting my balls and that’s even without them being exposed. Does testicle sensitivity just die off once you reach a certain age?

Also, is there any funnier body part to be exposed than just the balls. There’s not even a close second to the balls. 

This is the order. 

1. Balls

and then like hundreds of spots, a huge humor gap

2. Nipple

3. Penis

4. Butt (like a plumber’s crack)

5. Vagina

This is the definitive humor associated with accidentally exposed body parts ranking. If you disagree with this ranking, you are an imbecile. 

Finally, what if this is the old dude’s fetish, he just gets off on his balls being exposed while he suntans? Would this be the weirdest fetish ever? He goes back to his hotel room, pops some Viagra and jerks off like a madman for hours thinking about everyone who saw his balls on the beach. 

Anyway, I think you have to tell him. 

Anonymous lawyer writes:

“Clay: I am an OU grad and am interested in your take on the Joe Mixon situation. You’ve got a unique background in college sports and law that makes you a voice that I really care to hear from regarding this situation.

Most people in Oklahoma have their crimson-colored glasses on and think even acknowledging the existence of the Mixon tape is overkill and that he’s already served his punishment (which, by the way, was redshirting on the football side and doing community service and being on probation on the criminal side).

There is a lot more to the situation, it seems to me, though. OU is being incredibly sketchy about the situation and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they are working with the City of Norman and all else who have possession of the tape to keep it from being released (providing help with the lawsuit, at the very least). The City of Norman is being very defensive about a run of the mill FOIA request and is quite obviously defending it more aggressively because it is a star OU football player. The district court judge made a bizarre ruling. This is a little more outlandish, but I wouldn’t be completely surprised if all copies of the tape have mysteriously disappeared by the time the broadcasters’ association prevails.

Anyway, there’s a lot to it that seems like isn’t getting enough examination. Just hoping you’ll dedicate some time to it.”

The president of Oklahoma, David Boren, would lose his job if this video goes public and I think there’s a decent chance Bob Stoops would lose his job as well. 

I doubt Joe Mixon would be able to continue at Oklahoma, but we’d immediately move beyond his punishment and focus on Oklahoma’s response to the incident. Did they see the video and when did they see it would become the primary question? And if they didn’t see it, why didn’t they see it?

Recall how everyone reacted when video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancee went public. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was on the chopping block over whether or not he viewed the video. (This was dumb because the video just reflected what the criminal court had already found, but people on the Internet are dumb and most of them can’t read so videos have more impact.) I see no reason why this situation would be any different. (And no, this punishment was not sufficient and I don’t care what the girl may have said to Mixon).

That’s especially the case because right now this is still a local story. And we know that when stories remain local fans will defend their teams or their players. That’s because fans are amoral assholes. Recall that Baltimore Ravens fans actually cheered Ray Rice when he showed up to play after this story went public. It’s the nation that demands a more severe punishment, not the local fans. 

Moreover, lots of people would ask the same question I did about how Oklahoma responded to a racist fraternity chant on video — immediately expelling the students and shutting down the frat — and allowing Mixon another chance despite the fact that on video he punched a girl in the face and broke her jaw in multiple places.

If you had to consider what you wanted your son to be on tape doing, would you rather him physically assault a girl and severely injure her or say something racially insensitive on an off campus bus trip? I mean, this is a no brainer, right? You don’t want your son to be a racist, but you definitely don’t want him to punch a girl and break her jaw in multiple places.

Yet Oklahoma responded strongly against the racism and helped cover up the violence. I think that’s completely backwards. (You can read my column on the issue here). You can teach someone not to be a racist on campus — indeed many would say that’s the entire purpose of college to help teach a young person to be a better person. But you can’t allow violence to go unpunished.   

This story is fascinating because it seems pretty clear that the courts and Oklahoma officials have conspired to keep the video from ever going public. Despite clear rulings that it should be public. 

It’s a total cover up.

And most people still haven’t noticed.

The moment that video goes public though, look out.  

Buddy writes:

“Have you ever actually needed to know the Rule Against Perpetuities since graduating from law school?”

Thank God, no. 

The vast majority of the complicated things you learn in law school you will never have any cause to use in your real life. It’s the algebra or geometry of the legal profession.

(Unless you work with hypotenuses all day at your jobs.) 

Chance writes:

“Clay– as a high school senior currently making the decision between a few colleges to attend and specifically choosing between a few big public SEC schools and a few of the better private schools in the country, I was curious to hear your opinion on this topic. Obviously there are numerous different factors, but I’d like to hear your take on a cheaper undergraduate education versus a more expensive private education and what that practically means when you get out of college.”

I took an academic scholarship for undergrad and went to a much lower rated school than I could have attended. But my family wasn’t rich or anywhere close to rich. If I’d been rich, I would have gone to the best school I got into. 

If you know you’re going to grad school and your family isn’t loaded, I’d advise spending the majority of your money on grad school. The only caveat I would toss out here is that you end up learning more from the other students in your college than you do from actually going to school; the smarter the peer base you have, the more you’ll benefit. So if you go to a “cheaper” school, consider an honors college within that cheaper school.

Good luck.  

“I come seeking your advice. I’m a 28-year-old male with a good job in television and my own apartment in NYC. Life is good. I’m dating a lot which is exciting but gets frustrating at times for various reasons. I would like to be in a relationship but am perhaps too aware that the next serious one might be the most serious, which makes the standards set forth a tad too high. Probably likewise for my female counterparts.

But that’s ok, that’s the fun of it. I’ve been strong on the app game of late to help expand my options but it’s getting stale, which was predictable. What I didn’t predict was almost all of my friends settling down and getting married or serious by now. Because of this my rolodex of friends to get drinks with on a whim (but with the main intention of meeting people) has dwindled. Such is life.

In an effort to maximize my opportunities I’m trying to think of other ways to meet people and I keep coming back to this – just go to a popular bar alone and take your chances. But is that lame? Is it embarrassing? My thinking is if I limit it to only happy hour/after work hours and move quickly I could justify it with an excuse or pull a “I’m just leaving, before I go can I have your number?” but something about it feels either too lonely or, worse, too predatory.

So I ask you – what’s the verdict on going to a bar along to try and meet a girl, and what’s the best way to go about it? (Note: It’s genuinely to meet someone worth dating, honest truth.)”

Being single is great, but being the last guy left single is like being the last kid left outside to play in the summer. You never want to be the first kid to get called to come inside and have to leave everyone having a great time, but it’s just about as bad to be the last kid. 

You’re only 28 and you’re in New York. There are tons of people your age who are still single. If you’re a guy you can be single in New York or LA until you’re in your upper thirties and it’s perfectly normal. You’ve got a lot of good years left. 

The only bars I’ve ever been to by myself are hotel bars. And those really don’t count because that’s the point of a hotel bar. I think you can go right after work to a bar by yourself, but going solo on a Friday or Saturday night seems really depressing. I wouldn’t do that. (Sporting events can be a pretty decent exception. It’s perfectly normal to go to an alumni sporting event group, for instance, by yourself. I’d explore that angle if I were you.)

Good luck.  

Phil writes:

“I’ve followed you for several years, been in mailbag a couple times with different questions.  Please talk about how stupid American politics is when religion is made such a critical issue.  I’m extremely similar to you in that I am a lawyer, was raised Southern Baptist, went to Christian school since 3rd grade (then became a 15%er), and actually read the Bible. I’m shocked at how many “Christians” haven’t read the Bible – I’d put the number at 75% haven’t. There is just no way you hold any serious religious belief – you are too logical, analytical, and follow evidence and reason. 

I will never vote for any person who says anything like “God told me to run for President.” Religion as an issue should be no bigger than – “This is America and you can believe and practice whatever faith you want right up until you start trampling on the rights and freedoms of others.” End of discussion. Why is religion such an issue?  Is it because the electorate is really this stupid and scared?”

I’ve read the Bible cover to cover and I would disagree with you about the percentage of Christians who have read it cover to cover, it’s more like 1%. If you read the Bible cover to cover you’d know there is some weird ass shit in there and you’d be less likely to blindly follow random verses that political figures choose to feature. 

My favorite Bible verses come from Ezekiel 23:20 and 21

“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.”

Damn, son, the Bible’s out here sounding like Donald Trump bragging about his big dick and how massive his load is. 

You know how everybody always has the Bible reading at wedding’s about Adam giving up his rib for Eve? I would die if someone had this reading abotu big dicks and huge cum loads. 

The other prank I would have loved to do if I played in the SEC would have been to go Tim Tebow and put this verse on my eye black for a big game. Can you imagine Verne Lundquist reading this verse on CBS? Or the outrage that would ensue if I did it?

Anyway, I’m fine with religion, but I really don’t care about any individual’s particular religious faith.

The only real benefit I can see to candidates discussing their religious faith is that — if they’re being honest — it shows they believe in something larger than themselves, which is important given how powerful the president is. But I think most candidates are just lying because they know being religious helps them get elected.  

Taylor writes:

“So me and my buddies have encountered an argument that has split us down the middle and me and my best friend are on opposite sides and we both watch your show live whenever we can and if we do not catch it live we listen to the podcast so we have decided that your judgment would be final since our group of friends are split.

We need help deciding which girl gets the bitch of the mouth award and which one gets the bitch of the year award

Background info we go to a local college in the city we live in

Girl A
Really hot played college basketball for two years flirts with guys all throughout our history class and at the end of class asks the guy who she has been talking to if they would like to go to lunch and offers to pay for it, the only problem before she asks her chosen guy of the day out to lunch she has to take off her engagement ring that was given to her by a man who is currently overseas serving his country

Girl B
is alone and single the week before valentines day and has a bet with one of her best friends who is also single and has be single just as long as she has to see who will be the first to be in a new relationship. She wanted to win so badly she went and broke up a guy who she had previously dated for three and a half years and he was head over heels in love with her and wanted to marry her. She dumped his over a year ago and he had been in a happy relationship for over six mounts and was just really starting to get over girl B. That all went away when girl B said she wanted to get back together with he was jumping for joy that he was gonna be able to get back together with girl B. They only problem is girl B just wanted a date so after their date she dropped him like a bad habit and when he told her that he loved her she just laughed in his face and told him that she never loved him.

Please give us closer and an answer for the argument that a group of 19 to 24 year old can not reach an answer all by ourselves.”

Girl B is worse. She broke up a relationship for sport. 

Girl A is engaged, but her decision to go out to lunch doesn’t necessarily mean she’s doing anything wrong. Taking off the engagement ring isn’t a good sign, but plenty of people get engaged and ultimately decide not to get married. Maybe she’s having doubts about her decision. 

Kyle writes:

“I’ve tried to get you to answer this before but you never have, if you are so anti-PC bro then why do you support the party that encourages that type of behavior. Literally makes no sense at all. Your takes on the PC crowd are hilarious but when you talk about how Obama and the Clintons are so awesome and reasonable, I want to pull my fucking hair out. I know a lot of the people who read/watch your shit feel this way so do us a favor and answer this question for the people.”

There are plenty of Democrats who believe that PC bros are absurd. This isn’t an entirely left or right issue, I happen to find both the far right and the far left to be insane, that’s why I’m a radical moderate.

Obama has actually come out and ridiculed PC bros himself. Bill Clinton is only a PC bro when being a PC bro helps him sleep with a hot liberal. 

Again, it’s lazy to assume that PC broness is only connected to one political party. 

It’s cyclical. 

Putting a bumper sticker on your car that said you support the troops during the war in Iraq — when no one was against the troops — was the right wing version of PC bros. 

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