All That and a Bag of Mail: Did Kim Jong Un Outkick His Coverage?

It’s mailbag time and I’m writing it with a bad case of poison ivy, the first of my life.

You know what the only thing worse than getting poison ivy is? Being responsible for your four year old getting poison ivy. And then having that poison ivy show up while you’re on a Las Vegas bachelor party trip.

Before we get any further along, I’ve been inundated by emails and Tweets seeking an update on how negotiations for my fight against old man LSU fan Billy Ayo are proceeding. And I regret to inform you that Billy has not replied to my time and place conditions.

He has, however, — as many of you pointed out — pulled a Sarah Palin and taken to Facebook to voice his opinion on the matter.

Quoth Billy:

“I would like to thank everyone for having so much fun at my 15 minutes of fame. Too the asshole that made this all happen I thank you. Wish I could remember his name. Easy to forget unimportant people.”

I’m hopeful this doesn’t mean that Billy has rejected my proposals.

Fingers crossed.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is an easy call? The Bama beach family.

I’ve included their second beach family portrait which, as you can see, reverses the outcome of the BCS title game.

Undoubtedly posting this photo will send me to double hell.

Now on to the mailbag:

Jim writes:

“If you’re going to do the Outkicked Pics section you’ll need to put in the first lady of North Korea. Even if Kim Jung Un has complete and absolute control of the entire nation, she’s still WAY out of his league. Thoughts?”

This was a front page story on the New York Times and I was actually thinking about this before you sent in the question.

On the one hand, Kim Jong Un is a very unattractive man. Plus, he’s undoubtedly weird. On the other hand, he’s the dictator of a country with 24 million people inside. Assume that half of the country is women and that many of these women are starving, making them likely to accept a proposal from anyone who can feed and clothe them. Further assume that of those 12 million women, approximately four million are between the ages of 18-34. If you give every woman a 1-10 rating that means there are 400,000 bona fide tens in North Korea.

Putting that number in perspective, that’s more than the total number of coeds on SEC campuses this year.

And all of them are tens.

Add in the fact that the average per capita income in North Korea is $2,400 and Kim Jong Un is both the dictator and a billionaire.

As North Korean bachelors go this would make Kim Jong Un like Derek Jeter meets Tim Riggins meets a youthful Warren Buffet.

That’s pretty attractive.

So Kim Jong Un was already bombing punts like the Asian Reggie Roby and he has 400,000 girls to pick from.

Plus, his kids are likely to be dictator too. So his wife is basically a princess who ended up married to a short, dictatorial, unattractive Prince William.

But she’s still a princess!

Now, his wife is cute, but given all the parameters we just laid out is she so good looking that you could have never foreseen this relationship happening? In other words, do you think other North Korean men see her and want to kick something because Kim Jong Un got her? It’s not like you suddenly found out that Kim Jong Un was married to Kate Upton or Pippa Middleton.

So my inclination is no, Kim Jong Un didn’t outkick this coverage.

But I’m going to leave it up to y’all.

You can vote.

If you think Kim Jong Un outkicked his coverage we’ll add him to the gallery.

Kristen writes:

“I’m liberal when it comes to gay marriage, but I’m not willing to give up my Chik-fil-A sandwiches because their CEO is against it. I know you love Chick-fil-A too and I’m guessing you aren’t giving up the sandwiches either. Then it got me wondering, what would Chick-fil-A have to oppose to get you to stop eating there?”

This is another great mailbag question.

I’m with you on this, I don’t care who marries who, half of you are getting divorced anyway, that devalues marriage more than who has the right to get married. Plus, is this really a surprise? Did we really think a restaurant that doesn’t open on Sunday — curse you for this — was going to be in favor of gay marriage? Next you’re going to tell me that Chick-fil-A’s CEO doesn’t believe in premarital sex or evolution.

I kind of already expected that.

You know what all of this has nothing to do with?

How amazingly good their chicken sandwiches are.

And their chicken sandwiches are like sex on a bun.

So the more I think about it, assuming that Chick-fil-A doesn’t come out in favor of child slavery or donate all of its proceeds to the Alabama athletic fund, it’s really hard for me to think of anything Chick-fil-A could endorse that would actually make me stop eating there.

Even as a gay man in Alabama, a good sandwich is hard to find.   

@jrock6820 Tweets us the newest hot t-shirt from Panama City Beach.

If you were asked to describe what Panama City Beach is like, I’m not sure you could do a better job than just holding up this t-shirt and saying, “It’s like this.”

Not going to lie, I’d like to meet the silhouette model at a Spinnakers or La Vela wet t-shirt contest. (So would Kim Jong Un). 

And the helmet underneath the boobs kills me.

Kills me.

@againstthegriff Tweets:

Which game should be an Olympic sport? Cornhole or beer pong?

I think both should be Olympic sports. Especially beer pong.

Plus, you know the Russians would play beer pong with vodka. Which would be amazing.

A ton of you asked whether I believed the agent Ralph Cindrich who accused Nick Saban of cheating.

Here’s my answer to that.

Yes, Nick Saban cheats.

But so does every major college coach in America. That’s because the NCAA rulebook is fundamentally broken.

In fact, if the NCAA rulebook was rigorously enforced and all coaches and players were honest, every single NCAA champion in football and men’s basketball would be ineligible over the past fifty years. I really believe this.

We live in a capitalistic society and the NCAA’s job is to ensure that capitalism doesn’t work when it comes to top college sport athletes.

How well do you think they do that job?

Ask the DEA how well it prevents the drug trade.

Money finds its way to talent in an underground economy just like money finds its way to drug dealers.

The commodity that athletes have to sell is their talent, and there are lots of willing buyers of those talents. And I don’t blame the kids for selling. We tell every other kid in America that at 18 years old they can make a living off those talents except for football and basketball players.

Seriously, every other person.

We don’t ask Taylor Swift to sing in the Vanderbilt chorus and give all her album proceeds to the university. We don’t ask Lindsay Lohan to go act in the UCLA campus performance of “Hamlet.” (Okay, she probably wouldn’t be good enough to play Ophelia).

College basketball and football players are some of the most sought after 18 year olds in the country.

And we tell them they get nothing for those talents.

I get asked an amazing amount about my political beliefs. The answer is, I’m pro-markets and anti-stupidity.

The NCAA is anti-markets and pro-stupidity.

So what political party do I belong to?

The Anti-NCAA.

Yeah, Nick Saban cheats. But so does everyone.

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