All That and a Bag of Mail: President Trump

NEW YORK, NY – NOVEMBER 9: President-elect Donald Trump, with his family, addresses supporters at an election night event at the New York Hilton Midtown November 8, 2016 in New York City, New York. (Photo by Ricky Carioti /The Washington Post via Getty Images) Ricky Carioti

Yesterday, when Donald Trump visited the White House, it really hit me. 

Holy fuck, for all eternity these names are going to be connected in American history — George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Donald Trump. 

Only 45 men have ever been President. It’s literally the most exclusive fraternity in the history of the country, and now Donald Trump is one of them. I’m just still kind of in shock over it all.

(If you haven’t already read it, you should go read my column on the 2016 election and how Trump won.)

Partly, I think, it’s the upset nature of his win. Everyone with a functional brain could foresee every other President in my lifetime winning, but I was honestly watching the election results come in Tuesday night in total shock. Because I had totally assumed, like many of you, that Hillary Clinton was winning and she would be our next President.

With every other election you had months to get ready for the possibility of who might win on either side, but here I just never really thought Trump would actually win the race. I mean, sure, I wrote back in May that I thought he would have a great deal of appeal and if you go back in my Tweets I even predicted that he would do well in the Midwest, but I never really thought he would win.

Hell, we started off election night with a CNN reporter saying that a top Trump adviser had told her that they needed a miracle to get elected.   

So I’m still processing the fact that President Trump is a thing.

Judging by my emails so are you guys.

So I figured it probably made sense to go with a complete President Trump mailbag this week.

Here we go: 

“A ton of you emailed: how screwed are we with Trump as president?”

I honestly have no idea. Because I don’t think anyone has any idea what kind of president Trump is going to be. I don’t even think Trump knows. I said before the election that if you put them on a spectrum of the best presidents, with a 1 being Herbert Hoover and a 10 being Abraham Lincoln that Hillary Clinton was pretty much guaranteed to be between a 4 and a 6 as president, she wouldn’t screw up that bad and she wouldn’t be that great either. The people who hated her would keep hating her and the people who liked her would like her, basically she wouldn’t do very much to create much more love or hate. In investing terms, a Hillary Clinton presidency was like GE, a bellwether stock that isn’t going to provide many thrills or move much in either direction. You invest in GE for the dividend and to ensure that your money is safe, not to try and get rich. 

Hillary was GE and that’s honestly the kind of president the country usually picks. The dad or mom who is going to let you have ice cream after you eat your dinner. Trump’s like the dad who takes you to the strip club for your 18th birthday and buys you a lap dance.

And those dads don’t usually end up president.  

Trump is also totally different than Hillary because his potential range of outcomes is so much more substantial; he could be the worst president we’ve ever elected or he could be a top ten guy that finally unites the country. Seriously, I really believe that Trump could be a good president and I’ll explain why below. Basically, Trump’s a small cap stock that could go bankrupt or could turn into a economic heavyweight.

And I think both predictions are equally likely at this point. 

Could I see Trump hating being president and deciding about two years in that he’s going to step down in the middle of a war that he started?

Yes. 

But on the positive side, could I also see Trump turning into a moderate president because he’s not really a Republican or a Democrat and he’s so predictably absurd that eventually he turns into the divorced uncle in everybody’s family that shows up for Thanksgiving and you know he’s going to say ridiculous things at dinner, and he’s always got some new girlfriend with fake boobs with him, but everyone kind of likes him despite the fact that he’s pretty irredeemable.

Why does everyone like him? Because he’s not trying to be something that he’s not and he’s kind of funny. You like him even though you know you shouldn’t. Trump is Trump, a larger than life white rapper who just happens to be nearly seventy years old.

He was the original king of bling.

You can get used to that.

It’s actually even kind of endearing.

I mean, Trump’s TV show was popular for that exact reason, because Trump played the role of Trump, a rich know it all who had no patience for people who weren’t as talented as him. (Kind of reminds me of someone else I know who runs a website, honestly.) Now can Trump play the role of president? I hope so.   

What’s more, at his core Trump is a businessman. He’s not an ideologue. He doesn’t care about the Supreme Court very much or abortion or Republicans or Democrat orthodoxy. Trump said two ridiculous things in his campaign — that he was going to be build a huge wall at the border with Mexico and that Muslims shouldn’t be able to come into the country. I don’t think he actually believes strongly in either.

What’s more, expectations for Trump are so low right now that I think he can benefit from them. If he doesn’t burn a cross on the front lawn of the White House black people are going to be pleasantly surprised. And if he doesn’t personally close the borders to them, Muslims will be pleasantly surprised too.  

Can you ever think of a president with lower expectations than this entering office?

As long as Trump doesn’t have a state dinner for the KKK, it’s going to be pretty hard for his critics to insult him more. 

All of these protesters should be incredibly thankful that Trump got elected instead of, for instance, Ted Cruz. Cruz is a true believer in crazy ass shit. Trump just sells crazy ass shit to people to get their vote. That’s a big difference.

Finally, here’s another major issue — what happens during his term? George W. Bush never really got to run as a normal president because 9/11 happened. One of the things I like about Trump is his willingness to criticize the decisions Bush made after 9/11. I agree with him that we never had any business going into Iraq. (Related: Can you believe Republicans nominated and elected a guy who crushed George W. Bush’s decision making after 9/11? This is so incredibly underrated. The Dixie Chicks said basically the same thing and people still hate them.)   

But what totally unpredictable things will happen that Trump has no control over and how will he respond to them? We have no idea.

Let’s just all hope that nothing that awful happens during his term and that most of the decisions he has to make are fairly normal.  

Justin writes:

“Let’s pretend that Trump brings you in as an adviser, what would your top suggestions be?”

1. Pardon Hillary Clinton.

Can you imagine the reaction if Donald Trump’s first action as president was to pardon Hillary Clinton?

It would be incredibly magnanimous and would set the tone for his entire presidency.

Walk out there and say, “I believe Hillary Clinton behaved illegally as Secretary of State, but I don’t believe she’s a bad person and I think, on balance, that her service to our country — along with her husband’s — has been a great asset to all of us. Moreover, the American people chose me to be president over her in this election to a large degree because of investigations into her personal behavior, and I think that punishment is far more severe than anything the country could levy against her.

I’m not proud of everything that I said in this election and I think now that I’m the president I need to set an important and better example for this country. I’m not going to be perfect, but I can be better than I have been. 

That’s why, in a gesture of reconciliation that this divided country desperately needs, I am formally pardoning Hillary Clinton from any charges relating to her time as Secretary of State and ending all investigations into any of her alleged misdeeds. It’s time for the country to get back to work and it’s not going to make America great again if all we do is try and tear down those who disagree with us politically.”

Bang.

It’s genius.

Particularly because Hillary is unlikely to face federal charges.

Seriously, I hope somone at the Trump campaign reads this and makes it happen. It would be great for the country.  

2. Put together an incredible cabinet and rely on them. 

You have no real idea how to govern so you need to have a tremendous collection of talent around you. Get the best and brightest minds you can and delegate. You didn’t construct buildings by pouring the concrete yourself, you found the guys or girls who could do it and let them make you look good. 

Do the same as president. 

3. Model yourself on Ronald Reagan and play the role of President.

You’re good on TV.

Much of being president is cosmetic. So play the role with aplomb.   

4. Don’t have many press conferences where you take questions from the press.

The press is going to try and burn you over and over again and make you look like an idiot. Rather than engaging in regular warfare with the press and creating one controversial story after another, rise above them.

You’re the president, you won. Don’t feud down.

(If Trump keeps behaving like he has so far, my hope is most people won’t react to what he says because he says so many ridiculous things it’s hard to know what’s real and what’s for show).    

5. Don’t try and do too much.  

The country isn’t in bad shape, contrary to how you campaigned. Most indicators are going pretty well. Continue to let those evolve by making smart, sound business decisions.

You don’t have to make drastic changes.  

Ryan writes:

“What are your power rankings of protester blame rankings?”

These protesters are such fucking imbeciles. 

You can’t protest the day after an election. HELLO, WE JUST HAD AN ELECTION WHERE YOU COULD HAVE BEATEN TRUMP AND YOU FAILED TO DO SO. 

How many of these protesters do you think failed to vote themselves? I bet it’s nearly half. 

Trump hasn’t even done anything as president yet. You may hate it, but he won. 

I was furious when George W. Bush beat Al Gore in 2000 because I’d worked on Al Gore’s presidential campaign and desperately wanted him to be president. I mean, I was sick to my stomach, just distraught over the outcome. 

But you know what I did, I went to fucking class the next day and I didn’t turn into a pussy and start protesting George W. Bush’s presidency or demand a safe space or say I couldn’t take tests or turn in papers. 

I behaved like an adult even though I was only 20 years old. 

If I can do it, so can these loser college kids. 

So on the protest blame rankings here you go:

1. Themselves

For being total pussies

2. Democrats.

They didn’t turn out to support Hillary in the numbers she needed to win. It’s not Trump’s fault or racist’s fault that you lost, it’s your fault. 

3. Their parents

I swear to God, if my kids turn into total pussies like these college kids are today, it means I’m a failure as a parent.

4. Their high schools, colleges and universities

What’s the purpose of a college now? Is it to never challenge any kid’s thoughts and make sure they feel safe or is to intellectually engage them and challenge their preconceived notions?

My belief is that college should teach you how to think, not reinforce what you already think. 

Evidently that’s a radical idea these days.

5. Republicans

They beat your ass.  

Eric writes:

“On a lighter note from all of this post-election bitching and moaning the real question we all need to know is what happens to the @POTUS Twitter handle. Is there a transfer ceremony between Obama and Trump on Inauguration Day where Obama slips him a password on a single sheet of paper? I would watch a live stream of this just to see Trump gleefully bang out his first tweet as Prez. Also what happens to Trumps personal account? Does it go dormant for the next 4-8 years or does he tweet official stuff from @POTUS and personal stuff from his other?”

I don’t know, but doesn’t the first Tweet from Trump at the Potus account have to be him standing next to Barack Obama with Obama holding a copy of his birth certificate?

I honestly think that would be perfect. Trump needs to make fun of himself as much as he can. It’s an endearing quality.  

As for using Twitter, see the above advice, I would take it away from him. 

Steve writes:

“My girlfriend promised me unlimited blowjobs if I voted for CROOKED HILLARY on Tuesday, as she knew I was a fan of Bro King Donald Trump. I voted for her for the unlimited beejs, obvi. However, my girlfriend is so angry that she has refused every BJ attempt since the election. What happened to unlimited BJs?! Wtf? Why did I even vote for her then?! What’s my play here? Should I sue her for breach of contract? Are you still a practicing lawyer? Can you help me sue?”

Sit your girlfriend down this weekend and say, “Look, honey, I don’t care if you have to use your tears as lube, a deal’s a deal. It’s blow job time.”

Caroline writes:

“On Wednesday following the election my roommate called out of work due to “emotional turmoil.” When I came home Wednesday afternoon, you would have thought America died. No lights were on, candles were lit and she was just sitting in silence, mourning. Apparently all the homosexuals are being sent to concentration camps, everyone not born in the United States is being deployed (except his wife, of course), birth control is going to be illegal (head on a swivel, ladies) and all worship centers that are non-Christian will be taken through eminent domain. She has been so emotionally distraught that she has not gone to work this week, it has just been a constant boo-hoo fest in my home.

Unfortunately, her reaction encompasses a lot of what the ultra-left has led themselves to believe, but I have another theory. I think when it comes to social issues, Donald Trump doesn’t really give a shit. If you take two minutes to read what he has said on social issues, there is really nothing there that leads me to believe he is going to make massive social changes. In fact, on gay marriage, although he initially opposed it in 2011, he now accepts it as a reality and said it is unfortunate sexual orientation can lead to job loss. The biggest issue he had was that he felt it was a state matter, not a federal one, and thought it was unfortunate that the Supreme Court had to make a ruling.

Also, I do not believe he truly plans to execute half of the radical measures he boasted about during the election. If you read his book “Art of the Deal,” he basically lays out the tactics he used to become President. When talking about negotiating, he says you always start with a wildly outrageous offer and cling to your guns, in essence doubling down. This way, when you finally do budge and meet in the middle (middle is relative since it is always favoring you, of course), your offer seems more reasonable and the other side is more likely to accept since they are just happy you got close. I believe that when it comes to executing more than half of what he said he would do, we will see more and more of this tactic come to life.

So Clay, what do you think we can expect from Trump from a social policy side? Do you think he cares about social issues at all? I don’t expect to see too much social reform our him as long as he keeps that whackadoo Pence out of the Oval.”

I agree with you on all of this. 

And your roommate is a total pussy, by the way. 

Donald Trump isn’t going to take away the right to an abortion. In fact, I would wager hundreds of thousands of dollars that he’s paid for multiple abortions in his life. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if he paid for an abortion for some sidechick while he’s president.

I think Trump will be extremely moderate on all social issues because, as you wrote and I said above, I just don’t think he cares about them.

And his kids,who I think are very influential on him, certaintly don’t.  

Cody writes:

“You said on twitter and Outkick the Show that you ended up voting for Gary Johnson. Now that you’ve seen all of the special snowflakes going totally ape shit over Trump getting elected, do you wish even a little bit that you could change your vote to Trump, just to be able to say that you helped to precipitate all of this hilarious/sad shit going on all over the country right now?”

Yes, I do. 

These snowflake tears are glorious to behold. 

Also, I’d like to do that if only to take a shot at all the manufactured outrage about what Trump has said this campaign season. Every single “Game of Thrones” episode and every popular rap song in America is more scandalous than anything Trump has said. 

You’ve got chicks furiously masturbating to “Fifty Shades of Grey” bondage/borderline rape sex scenes in a book and they’re claiming to lose their minds because Donald Trump said he likes to grab chicks by the pussy in a private conversation with another dude?

Come the fuck on. 

It’s all manufactured, fake bullshit. 

And I think the American voters saw through it and were actually more likely to vote for him because he was unfairly accused of being racist, sexist and misogynistic. All of those accusations from the left wing are like the boy who cried wolf. They don’t work any longer because everything’s fucking racist, sexist and misogynistic according to these losers now. Those words have lost their power.

Steve writes:

“President Trump is 68 now, and four years of presidency will definitely take their toll. We can hope that he will unify the nation, but there will always be people who hate him and can’t stand him. Hopefully his decisions and leadership benefit Americans first. The Democrats are already starting to pick up the pieces that they lost in this election and will be gearing up for 2020 with a new presidential candidate that will be a proven winner unlike Hillary. The Republicans might get sick of Trump and will try to get a younger, fresher face in there.

Here’s my question, with all that considered: does Donald Trump have the potential to be a two-term president?”

Sure, he has the potential to be a two term president, but I would imagine he’ll not just face a strong Democratic challenger, he’ll also probably face a strong Republican challenge too.

All of that, of course, depends on what type of president he’ll be. 

But the problem that everyone will run into is this — what can you say about Donald Trump that hasn’t already been said about him? It’s nearly impossible to attack him.

He’s a known quantity.

I actually think it’s more likely that Trump decides not to run again because he’s not a professional politician than it is that somebody beats him in 2020.  

Eddy writes:

“Dear Clay,

Call your agent and get guest spots on MSNBC, Fox News, CNN whoever will have you. You are one of the few sports analysts wasting your talent being a sports analyst. Your political analysis is incredible, it’s your real calling. I get annoyed when any other sports commentator offers political opinion sans Barkley and Ernie Johnson, but I’ll read/listen/watch yours 10/10 and agree 80% of time. Even though we haven’t even voted for the same candidate yet (McCain, Romney, Trump).

I say this not to kiss your ass, truth is I don’t really, truly care about you, but I do care deeply for this country. And you sir are good for the country. I’d love to watch you eviscerate Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow.” 

I appreciate you saying that. 

It is pretty gratifying that almost no one ever tells me to stick to sports. 

Partly that’s because I’ve never just stuck to sports on Outkick, but I like politics as much as I do sports. 

So being able to combine them and talk about both is a pretty outstanding way to make a living. 

I think it’s fair to say you’ll be seeing me quite a bit in the coming months and years discussing political issues on TV too. 

The Outkick brand just keeps growing and thanks because of you guys sharing our content. 

So thanks as always for supporting Outkick. 

Have great weekends and remember, don’t be a pussy. #dbap

And go buy the Outkick #dbap tshirts which are selling like crazy.

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