All That and a Bag of Mail: Two Alabama Fans Got Married Edition

Sometimes a video is so spectacular I’m too giddy to even make y’all wait for the entire mailbag.

This is one of those times.

I’ve told y’all for a long time that what makes Alabama and Kentucky fans the dumbest fan bases in America is because there’s a race to the bottom. You know how living in Palo Alto provides an intellectual laboratory that causes everyone to step up their game? Well, living in Alabama and Kentucky and being a fan of either of these schools does the exact opposite. It causes you to do dumber things, compete to stand out via stupidity. Being a fan of Alabama or Kentucky is like being a member of the anti-Manhattan Project. 

Basically, it leads to a wedding like this, an absolute comedy pyramid from start to finish.

Two Alabama fans decided to get married. That’s not necessarily a surprise. But everything else in this YouTube clip is a complete surprise.

Happy Friday.

(And condolences to the intelligent Alabama fans. Yes, there are lots of them too. In fact, several of them sent along this clip to OKTC. They’re the ones you see right now in your office with their hands covering their faces, peeking through their fingers, truly aghast at what their fan base can manage).

I was planning on leading with the Arkansas portrait sent by reader Lori, but, honestly, how do you not lead off the mailbag with this video?

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is the videographer here, a true Scorcese of the lens.

Now that you’ve watched the video, spoiler alert, I spit out my orange juice when Big Al suddenly showed up and the groom looked like he wanted to marry Big Al instead of his bride. I mean, can you even make that surprise up? Also, the woman who married them in a referee jersey? If you’re engaged right now, try this on your fiancee. Don’t insist on anything else, but just stick to the idea that the officiant has to wear a ref outfit. Keep a completely straight face and watch as your fiancee slowly loses her cool.

Unless, you know, she’s badass like this Bama fan.

On to the mailbag.

D. Wolf from Kentucky writes:

“Clay,

I’ve often wondered what the United States distribution of hot girls is.  It’s clearly not equal 1s, 2s, 3s, etc.  And I really don’t think it is a bell curve on 5s.  My theory is that it’s very similar to the grade distribution of a difficult pre-med Biology class.  There are lots of Cs and Ds (6s and 7s), and also quite a few Bs (8s).  But it is very hard to get an A (9), and almost NOBODY gets a 100.  Clay – what would you say the distribution is?  Maybe you could graph it for me or something.

Also – do you grade on a location curve?  (i.e. a Nashville 7 is probably a rural town 8).”

I’m going to take this in reverse and tackle the location curve first. OKTC has lots of military readers serving overseas — thanks, guys — and I get emails about girls over there. According to soldiers an Iraq ten is like a U.S. five. So location clearly plays into the equation. And cities are far better than rural areas when it comes to hotness. For instance, Nashville, per capita, has the hottest girls outside of New York, Las Vegas, or Los Angeles that I’ve ever seen. You’ve probably got to put those three cities first on the hotness chart — I’d go Las Vegas, New York (Manhattan, specific), and Los Angeles as my top three in that order — but clearly rural hotness is much less common than city hotness. Why? Because the best looking small town girls all try to move to a city to maximize their mate potential. 

So metropolitan areas end up with the best looking girls, no doubt about it.

As for why I think Las Vegas, New York, and LA end up the hottest, I think it’s because those three cities specifically attract hot women who believe their hotness will help them get jobs. How many smoking hot girls from Idaho move to L.A. to be actresses? Or New York city because of Sex and the City? Whether it’s actresses, strippers, or in Nashville’s case, would-be musicians, there’s a constant influx of new hotness in cities that are entertainment magnates.  

You can also make an economic argument here and point out that rich guys end up with hot women. Where do most people with money live? Metropolitan areas. So rich guys bring in the ringers to the city. Then, of course, you get the competition angle. Women in metropolitan areas — and men — are competing for mates. So we join gyms, eat better, try to get promoted at work. Biology is really damn impressive. If women gave birth to kids without having sex, we’d all still be living in the caves.

Now, on your hot girl distribution chart. I try to be simple about this. First, it’s really hard to be a 1 on the scale of 1 to 10. Like, nearly impossible. (Note: I’m just talking about looks here. Intelligence, personality, none of those things factor in here.)

That’s because biologically, one’s make no sense. Theoretically we all exist to procreate, right? And men are attracted to women based on looks. So a one or two would have almost no chance of competing for mates. (Even though I occasionally look at an ugly woman with a baby and think, “How drunk was that guy?”) So a one or a two is much rarer than a eight or nine. Once I’ve eliminated the bottom end of the scale, I think it’s fairly evenly distributed from 3-9.

Tens are rare.

This all gets mixed up if you apply intelligence and personality to the equation, which is admittedly subjective.

I will say this though, there are tons more really hot, really smart girls than there are really hot, really smart guys.

In fact, the amount of really, really dumb guys in America today is drastically underrated. That’s why so many smart girls end up fighting like hell over the same guys.

@willsnipes1 Tweets:
  
“If Nick Saban ran for president of US as a Democrat, would he win the state of Alabama even if it’s ultra conservative?”

Yes, there is a 100% chance Saban would win Alabama if he ran as a Democrat. 

That’s because most people lack a cogent political philosophy and don’t consistently vote along party lines. These people also tend to be the dumbest because they have no real clue what they’re voting for. For instance, would steadfast supporters of either party, really be opposed if we could somehow eliminate the votes of anyone who is persuaded by a television ad who to support for President? Same thing with single issue voters. You’re really going to support someone for President because of his stance on contraception? That’s all you care about?

This is terrifying. 

On the flip side, I don’t care who you vote for, but if you agree with everything the person you’re voting for supports, you’re even dumber than a single issue voter.

Saban would win Alabama because it doesn’t actually take that many people to swing sides to make a state of minimal population change. Especially when you consider that about 20% of any electorate will switch from party to party depending on the candidate. For instance, BIll Clinton won 43% of the vote in 1996 and Al Gore got 42% of the Alabama vote in 2000. Hell, even John Kerry got 37%. So you know you’d start with a base of 37% yes votes for Saban. (This assumes that Auburn democrats wouldn’t switch sides. They could, but I doubt it would be that substantial. Auburn democrats would want Saban in office for four years just to keep him from coaching against them). 

The question then becomes, are there roughly 200,000 Alabama fans who would switch their vote from a Republican to Saban?

Uh, yes.

Saban would win Alabama as a democrat, no doubt.

Anyway, enough political analysis from me. Remember my political philosophy, I’m pro-markets and anti-stupidity.  

Samuel Paul Dunn tweets:

“If Dooley wins a national championship on Rocky Top, will you get a full back mural tat with him in Davey Crockett outfit?”

Not to be outdone, Tyler King tweets:

“How much would it take u to get a picture of Dooley tattooed on ur back like Billy Walsh did of Pablo Escobar in Entourage?”

I will not get a full back mural tat of anything.

Ever.

Unless you paid me $5 million or more. Then I might do it. Might.

However if Derek Dooley wins a national championship this year — I actually put a $100 on it in Vegas so I’d win $10k — I will get a tattoo on my foot of Derek Dooley’s hair.

Seriously, I’ll do it.

If he wins nine games in the regular season, I have also agreed to run down Broadway in Nashville in January clad only in a Tennessee speedo.

So mark that on your calendar, ladies.

@jaketodd1987

“Thoughts on Jim Donnan’s Ponzi scheme?”

First, did Quincy Carter invest? Second, how did he raise $80 million for an appliance resale business? How many washers and driers was he supposed to be buying? And if I came to you and said, I need several million dollars for refrigerator resales, is there anyway you’d think this was a good idea?

Isn’t it hard to sell refrigerators in the first place?

Like, Home Depot and Lowe’s are already working pretty hard at that business, right? It’s not like people are walking around saying, “There is no one selling dishwashers in this entire city!”

So I just can’t get over how stupid of a business idea this was. And people still gave him $80 million.

$80 million!

Bryan Campbell tweets:

“My wife just had a baby and the baby in the room next door is named Saban. Is that just an Alabama “thing” ?” 

Yes.

Please take a picture.

And congrats on your new baby.

Andy Beavers tweets:

“How is the training going for the fight in France?”

We have the promotional materials ready, but Billy Ayo has not stepped up to the plate and delivered on my time and place conditions.

I’m terribly saddened by this.

Finally, can we just look closer at this portrait for sale to Arkansas fans?

Who buys this?

And maybe it’s because I’m gay, but doesn’t it look like full frontal on the hog there? Why does he have to be vamping with the sexy hog look? This is the same pose that Marilyn Monroe rocked in her Playboy shoot. Leave a little to the imagination, razorback, good lord.

Can you imagine if you walked into someone’s house and saw this on the wall?

I’d lose it.

Seriously, this picture absolutely kills me every time I look at it. Combining this photo with the Alabama wedding video, I hope we’ve made your Friday pass by really quickly.

Woo pig sooiiiiie, indeed.

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