All That and a Bag of Mail: West Virginia Couch Burning Edition

It’s Friday which means it’s mailbag time.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is the LSU fan who did this paint job. In particular, look at the way that ball cap perches right on the edge of Les Miles’ head. This is some Michelangelo quality work by a corndog artist. 

Where was this picture taken? 

According to emailer Will, “Saw this outside a Shreveport casino at 10:30 this morning. LSU fans start early.”

Yes, LSU fans are rolling up to Shreveport casinos at 10:30 am on Thursday morning to start partying for the Towson game weekend. 

No one who knows LSU fans is the least bit surprised by this. 

On to the mailbag: 

Nathan writes:

“Seriously, the fact that they felt they needed to make this video makes it amazing. Can they join the SEC?”

Can I even say anything that makes this PSA funnier?

Nope.

Okay, more mailbag.

Will Cabannis writes:

“Lisa Turtle, Kelly Kapowski, or Jessie Spano, who ya got?”

Kelly Kapowski by a mile.

Like every man currently between the ages of 28-39, with outliers on the edges of both age groups, I was absolutely in love with Kelly Kapowksi.

I mean, truly in love with her.

Remember when Zack brought the cake to her house at senior prom and it was so romantic you wanted to cry, but kept telling yourself, I can’t cry during a “Saved By the Bell” episode…. no, you don’t remember that moment at all?

Me either.

So Lisa Turtle was a decent second on my list. But Jessie Spano and her mom jeans were way down on everyone’s list which is, I think, why she ended up doing the sluttiest movie roles. 

Once “Saved By the Bell” ended she was trying to prove that she was sexy and men wanted her.

That’s how “Showgirls,” happened.

The lesson, as always, don’t try to be hotter than Kelly Kapowski was in 1992. 

It’s impossible.  

Brian H. writes:

“My friend’s girlfriend is having a birthday party during the Bama-Ole Miss game. What should I do?” 

Tell your friend to get a new girlfriend.

All birthday parties in the South should be disallowed on Saturday. (There’s a possible exception here if someone is a big fan and throws a huge party that makes the game the centerpiece of the party). Otherwise throwing yourself a birthday party on a Saturday in the fall in the South is even worse than having a wedding on a fall Saturday. And having a wedding on a fall Saturday is inexcusable. (Shotgun weddings, military deployments, looming death in family, all of these are valid exceptions to the wedding rule.)

But scheduling a birthday party is much worse.

Why?

Because birthday parties don’t have to actually be on your birthday. There’s a very good chance that this girl has scheduled her birthday on the Saturday closest to her actual birthday. Which means she could have easily picked Friday. Or any other day that wasn’t a football Saturday.

Second, unless you’re turning 21, your birthday party isn’t that big of a deal once you’re an adult. It just isn’t. No one cares that much. You’re rewarding yourself for not dying. Oh, look, Kayla is 25! Yay, Kayla, she didn’t die this year. Yay!

Adult birthday parties are just stupid.

The only reason people want to celebrate your adult birthday — and you want to celebrate anyone else’s adult birthday — is so you have a better excuse to throw a party and drink than you normally do. 

That’s it. 

So, to circle back to your question, scheduling a birthday party on a Saturday football game day is completely inexcusable. And you tell her you’ll show up after the game is over. Hopefully your buddy does the same. 

But he won’t, because he’s a pansy. 

Congrats to him, he’ll be the only guy not to miss a wedding shower for the next decade.    

You guys have been inundating me with the Ryder Cup wife photos. Asking this question:

“Which Ryder Cup golfer most outkicked his coverage?”

Okay, before you see my picks, go look at all the photos here — I know you’re not working because you’re reading the mailbag — there are 31 pictures to scroll through.

Make your picks and then return to see if you agree with my selections.

In honor of the Ryder Cup I’ve got an American and European selection.

First, the American, here is Jason Dufner with his wife Amanda.

Man, Rory McIlory’s dad has game!

So, yeah, well done, Jason.

(By the way, anyone else think Dufner looks like Rory McIlroy’s dad? This is not just me, right? Because if it’s just me this joke makes no sense. Which is why this long parenthetical is here.)

And here’s Miguel Angel Jiminez and his girlfriend.

I mean, just, wow.

This is the greatest outkick by a man with a curly receding hairline since Macho Man Randy Savage. (RIP, Macho Man).

By the way, if you saw this couple, didn’t have any clue who Jiminez was, and I told you to guess what his job was, how many of you would say, “Drug lord?”

My second guess? Arms smuggler.

FYI, Bubba Watson’s wife also outkicked her coverage.

Anonymous SEC sorority girl writes:

“Which is grosser, butt chugging or vodka tampons? Some girls in my sorority are using vodka tampons to get drunk before football games. I think this is grosser.”

Vodka tampons are gross, but butt chugging is infinitely grosser.

I’ll explain why, but first the background to the story.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, University of Tennessee fraternity brothers in the Pike house gave each other alcohol enemas last weekend and a student was hospitalized with a .4 BAC. This is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, incredibly stupid and gross. 

They actually put wine in their anuses by using a funnel and tube. 

Let’s think about this for a minute. 

Ostensibly straight men put a tube up their anuses and then had a fraternity brother stand behind them and hold up a funnel, which they poured wine into.

This is infinitely worse than a vodka tampon. 

Do you know why?

Because someone else is involved.  

Now that I’m a parent, can you imagine if this was your son? You get a telephone call in the middle of the night and hear this, “Your son is in the hospital. He nearly killed himself after he put a tube in his ass and a fraternity brother of his poured wine into that tube.”

What’s the first thing you say after receiving this phone call?

(This is a great place for a “Sideways” merlot joke, but I’m not sure how many other people loved “Sideways” as much as I did. Also, I think my wife would kill me for making this joke if we’d received this phone call.)

As a parent, how do you respond when you see your son next?

I mean, you’re beyond thankful that your son is going to be okay, but do you have to give a don’t put wine up your ass son, speech? Do you blame yourself for not giving that speech in advance? Can you trust any of your son’s college friends at all?

I mean, if they’ll pour wine up your son’s ass, what won’t they do?

Good luck on spring break.   

Finally, here I am making love to the camera yesterday on NBC Sports Network:

 

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