It’s Tuesday and I’m flying back across the country after over a week in LA for the conclusion of season one of Lock It In and I’ve got my fingers crossed that the plane wifi is going to work.
So here we go, hopefully.
As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Without further ado, here’s the anonymous mailbag.
“One of the guys in the gambling group chat I’m part of — he’s a senior in college — has a crazy mom. There’s been issues in the past with her going through his phone and she got pissed cause there were a few “I want to bang your mom” comments and stuff like that.
Now, apparently he was at the gym yesterday and she went on his laptop and saw his texts to people, including our gambling group chat (I’m assuming she didn’t know he gambles). She went to the gym and they got in a huge argument and started cussing each other out. The guy’s parents ended up taking away his phone and laptop and gave him a flip phone. And his dad emptied his bank account.
Are his parents as crazy as they seem? What steps should he take to ensure something like this never happens again?”
Yes, I think his parents are crazy, but he’s a senior in college and they are simply cutting off his financial support because they disagree with his decision-making.
I think they’re way overbabying him and being way too intrusive in his personal life as well, but the good thing is once he graduates he controls all the financial decisions he makes.
Right now his parents may feel like they are subsidizing his gambling habits and they disapprove of his behavior with his phone. So they stopped what they consider to be their enabling behavior.
Now we don’t know how much money he lost, but even assuming he was losing a decent amount of money that seems like rash behavior for a relatively benign activity.
Having said that, it’s his parent’s money, not his.
They violated his privacy, but they control his financial life and may feel they’re entitled to access his phone and his bank account because they’re paying for everything.
I disagree with that logic, but there’s a simple solution — pay for everything yourself. (Incidentally, this is why I don’t understand why people let their work pay for their cell phones. When you do this, you don’t own your cell phone. Your boss can check your phone and take it from you just like these parents did. PAY FOR YOUR OWN CELL PHONE AT WORK.)
“If my wife asks if want a threesome with another girl is it probably a test of how I will answer or for real?”
The answer to this question is, “I think you asking the question is super hot because I find you super hot, but honestly you should make a decision like that, not me. If you want to do it, I’m fine with it and if you don’t want to do it, I’m fine with it too.”
Boom, minefield dodged.
What you absolutely, positively should not do is immediately say yes and then provide her with your excel spreadsheet ranking every girl the two of you know in order of your threesome preference with them.
If you want to interject a little humor into the conversation you can respond, “Are we talking (insert hot celebrity you both like here) or (insert ugliest girl you both know)? Because there’s a big difference there.” Then follow up with my above line.
If your wife or girlfriend also reads the anonymous mailbag and she responds with, “Clay Travis told you to say that because you’re trying to encourage me to have a threesome, but don’t want to say that because this question might be a trap.”
You should immediately respond to this accusation by saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about babe. I’m a huge fan of women’s empowerment. How about that U.S. Women’s team. It’s a travesty they aren’t paid the same as the men.”
(Sidenote: the fact that women haven’t noticed that most of the men who are the most vocal about women’s empowerment are just doing it to try and have more sex is mind-blowing to me. Like, that’s totally their angle to pick up chicks, pretending they are obsessed with social justice issues because they think it’s going to get them more chicks. This was the Harvey Weinstein special. It’s absolutely crazy to me this doesn’t get more attention.)
“My sister is on twitter often, tweeting and replying about how nearly everything in America is racist and how unfair the world is and things of that nature- like the Betsy Ross shoe. She does this so much so that it has really flooded my timeline with her dumb ideas and even back-and-forth banter between my younger brother and her and often her husband gets involved. So the other day I blocked her
My question is: should I unblock her and follow her back like nothing happened or should I just ignore it and hope she never brings it up because she will definitely be triggered either way.”
Just mute her Twitter account.
That way you’re still following her, but she has no idea you aren’t seeing what she’s saying.
I feel like blocking your family on Twitter is probably going to end poorly for you.
Using the mute function solves your issue.
Having said that, I very rarely jump into conversations with people I don’t already know on Twitter any more. I use Twitter like a megaphone — I broadcast you my opinions and then I’ll like funny or witty responses beneath my own — and mostly dial out otherwise.
Partly this is because I’ve gotten so busy with TV, radio, Outkick the Show, writing and the new podcast to dive into my mentions very often, but it’s also because I realized I was using Twitter differently than I did articles I’d written online.
I never read the comments to any article I write because most of the time comments, like message board threads on any subject, just eventually end in arguments between two people and they end up spiraling off way beyond what they were initially commenting about.
So how is that a good use of my time? It isn’t.
The same is true for most of you too.
If only it hadn’t taken me a decade on social media to realize this.
“The girl that I was dating and I just finally ended things after about two years of off and on long distance. We dated for two years before that and practically lived together before I moved for a job. I asked her to come with me, but she said she wouldn’t come without a ring. I wasn’t ready at the time and the distance just became too hard for us.
After about six months apart, I finally told her that I was ready to marry her and she said she didn’t share those feelings anymore.
What advice would you give to a 28 year old guy who feels like he just lost the woman he was supposed to marry?”
First, don’t be a pussy.
I know, I know, you’re convincing yourself that your life is over because the person you thought you were going to marry isn’t going to actually marry you, but that happens, move on.
This should be made especially easy for you because you aren’t even in the same city any more. It’s not like you’re driving around in your city listening to love songs and crying when you drive past the restaurant where you guys first kissed. You’re in an entirely new city so it should be easier for you to move on to someone else.
Second, don’t fall into the trap of believing there’s only one person you could be marry and be happy with in your life.
The reality is there are thousands of people you could marry and be perfectly happy with.
A huge part of any marriage is timing and luck. And a huge part of all successful marriages is the work you put into staying together once you’re actually married.
So while Hollywood sells us the idea that everyone has one true perfect love, that’s just not true. There are seven billion people in the world. If this were true the chances of you meeting your one true love would be extraordinarily minuscule. And the chances of your own true love even living in your city or state would be infinitesimally small as well.
Here’s what you do, you find a new, hotter girlfriend and you obsessively post pictures with her on Instagram until your ex-girlfriend realizes she blew it and should have married you.
Then she feels worse than you do now and maybe she comes crawling back.
If not, so what, you’ve got a new, hotter girlfriend.
Boom, problem solved.
“A couple of months ago a few college friends came over to my parent’s house for a weekend out on the boat. My parents were gone for the day so we had no problem drinking as much as possible. Turns out they came home early. And when they came home they claimed that someone was banging in the shower.
This shower faces the front yard, and although it is not see-through, you can see shapes. Now as any good friend I said it wasn’t true and they were seeing things. My plan was to deny, deny, deny. Until they showed me a picture that is without a doubt two people banging it out. (Please don’t publish the picture.)
At this point I had no way to defend my friend anymore. Fortunately, my parents aren’t the type to care, but I think they’d prefer to not have to see that when they get home. My friend group and I have had a great laugh with it but we feel like retributions should be paid. So my question to you, wise gay muslim, is what should be is punishment for taking advantage of my parents hospitality?”
I mean, I’m failing to see what your friend did wrong here.
He got drunk at your parent’s lake house and banged in the bathroom, where the only way anyone could see them is if your parents happened to return early, like they did and saw him from outside. (Through a non-see thru window that is common on bathrooms. I don’t know what this is called, but it’s not clear glass, meaning you can see shapes, but not body details).
That just seems like rough luck and I don’t understand exactly what he’s done wrong.
Is it your contention that he shouldn’t have had sex in the house at all because it violates your parent’s hospitality? That seems strange. Or is the bathroom shower just the wrong choice? (If anything, this seems like the most cleanly option). If the bathroom is an issue, where could he have had sex on the property? Could he have sex in the guest room at night? What about on the lake shore, late at night, after everyone else was asleep? What about in his car parked off your parent’s property?
Where do you draw the line here and permit him to have sex?
Furthermore, what if instead of having sex, he just dry humped? How about finger banging or oral sex? What about just a make out? Where’s the line on acceptable sexual activity in your parent’s house?
I love the idea of your buddy approaching your parents the next time he sees them and saying, “Hi Mr. and Mrs. (insert your parent’s last name). I know you saw me and my girlfriend in your shower and I want you to know under no circumstances would we have ever had sex in your shower. What you saw us doing was aggressive and heavy petting. A little finger banging accompanied by a shampoo-aided hand job. Again, just want to apologize, but there was no sex. I’d never think of doing that in your house.”
I’d think if you’re throwing a drunken lake party with college guys and girls and everyone is drinking it’s perfectly normal that sexual activity might occur.
And can we address the larger issue here, how about your parents TAKING A PICTURE?!
What’s stranger behavior, people thinking they were having sex in a private bathroom or YOUR DAD TAKING THEIR PICTURE WHILE THEY DID IT? (If your mom — who in my mind is clearly a sex-crazed milf — took the picture, not gonna lie, that’s kind of hot. But if your dad did it, it’s much more of a violation than the sex in the bathroom was).
If anything, I actually think your parents are the more guilty party here.
Pretend we’re in a courtroom and a jury has to decide which act is more wrong: a college guy and his girlfriend have sex inside a locked bathroom in a lake house they’re visiting or the owner of the lake house arrives home and takes a picture of the duo having sex through a window outside to complain about them having sex in his house?
Don’t most people pick the guy taking the picture as the greater wrongdoer?
If anything, you might have to pay back your buddy for your dad violating his privacy. (Unless your mom took the picture, in which case if I were him I would insist for the rest of your friendship that this was perfect evidence of a fact he knew the first time he ever met her, “Your mom wants to bang me.”)
“What would happen if white supremacists marched with signs saying “White Supremacy – Just Do It,” with the Nike swoosh on the signs? Nike would have to shutter their entire operation, and Kaepernick would have to renounce his association with Nike, correct?”
White supremacists are too dumb — that’s why they are white supremacists — to fully embrace Nike gear and slogans like this, but I do love the online rumor starting that white supremacists have embraced “Just Do It,” and the swoosh as their primary marketing credo.
If the white supremacists went a step further and said that wearing Nike gear from head to toe was a sign to other white supremacists and an effort to spread their message more broadly, I’d love to see the Nike executives panicking.
Because the only possible solution to white supremacists taking over Nike gear and Nike slogans is for Nike to stop making its gear to avoid white supremacists using it.
That’s how this works, right?
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.