Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Thanks to all of you ripping ESPN for not crediting either Outkick or me for the Johnny Manziel interview they are featuring on the front page of their site.

Here’s that full interview on YouTube courtesy of SportsBook Review and IFBC 2017.

With that in mind, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.

“What an episode!!! Game of Thrones is the best show out there and it isn’t even close.

Which brings me to a little problem I have coming up- I am getting married this weekend. I was so ecstatic that I convinced my fiancee to get married before football season (we are SEC football ticket holders) that I completely blanked on how it would affect my ability to watch game of thrones. We are headed to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon this Sunday and I’m not sure how to convince my wife to let me watch GoT on our first night at the resort. Even worse, in what I originally thought was a brilliant move, I booked the last flight out of the Dominican Republic the next Sunday to give us as much time there as possible, but the late flight puts us in Atlanta for a layover while Episode 6 is airing.

So, I need your help. Question 1- how do I convince my wife to let me watch Episode 5 at the resort on our first night? Part 2, pending that I don’t contract lice and get banned from reentering the country, how do I watch Episode 6 in the Atlanta airport?”

First, I have significant questions about your mate selection. Why doesn’t your wife also watch Game of Thrones? Presumably you have been dating for a decent amount of time — i.e. this isn’t a shotgun wedding — if that’s true how have you guys been dating for a year or more and you haven’t converted her to watching the show with you?

Second, this is a one hour show. And it airs at 9 et. If you’re anything like most couples your wedding will be stressful and overwhelming and you’ll be interested in rest and relaxation on the honeymoon. So I don’t see how it’s that difficult to take an hour out of the honeymoon festivities to watch the show. The biggest issue may be ensuring your hotel/resort has HBO. I watched last week’s episode on HBO in Costa Rica. The broadcast was in English, but there were Spanish subtitles. Your other option is getting your wife to go to sleep and then watch it at 11 et, when it airs all over again.

It’s important to note that your HBO Go won’t work outside the United States. So you might not be able to stream the show at your convenience if you miss it live.

In general, my advice would be this — don’t be a pussy, just tell your new wife that you have to watch “Game of Thrones” live or you’re going to call off the wedding.

“My husband and I had a situation occur the other day that I need you to weigh in on.   

We were jokingly chatting about when it would be acceptable to cheat on your spouse.  So I asked, “What if my vagina just closed up?” He chuckled and responded, “Well that’s impossible because then you couldn’t pee.”  I looked at him like he was crazy and then he reaffirmed, “If your vagina closed up, you wouldn’t be able to pee, so they’d have to fix that medically.”  I asked incredulously, through tears of laughter, “You think I pee out of my vagina?”  He again confirmed that females pee out of their vagina.  I immediately gave him a lesson in female anatomy and he shockingly says, “You have three holes?!  I mean I knew you had two, but three?!”  And then goes on to say that he guesses such lesson was left out of the sex education curriculum at his all boys catholic high school. It is important to note that this man has watched me give birth, likely seen his fair share of pornography, was a D1 college lacrosse player at a large university with a well established program so he has certainly seen his fair share of lady bits, and beyond that knows what he’s doing in the bedroom – which I wrongly assumed would take a basic understanding of female anatomy.  

So, this brings me to my question: what percent of men are unaware that “women have 3 holes” and don’t in fact “pee out of their vaginas?”  Lastly, if the percentage is substantial, would you be willing to use your platform to give a little female anatomy refresher to your readers?” 

I’m not sure I’ve ever given any thought to how women pee before, but I honestly would be in your husband’s camp here, I would also think that if a woman’s vagina was sewn up she wouldn’t be able to pee. And if your husband and I both believe that, I’d think a huge percentage of men have to believe it too.

That’s particularly the case when you consider that a man of average intelligence is really, really dumb.

I think if you gave men a test and the options were, do women have three holes in their genital region or two holes, the vast majority of men would pick two holes.

My wife just also read this answer at the airport and these were her exact comments, “How could you be this stupid? This just proves men are the laziest species on the planet and don’t even give a single bit of thought to the tail that you chase all day long, every day.” Then she continued, incredulous. “I mean, you think about pussy all day and you never gave this any thought? Do you know how babies are made? Do you know that we have three kids?”

So this answer didn’t go very well for me.

I’m out here just taking flack for men all over the planet.

“In last week’s mailbag there was a post about a guy in an office with mainly SEC graduates and a guy from a small school. The post was about how it was common practice with women fucking more than one guy in one night at the small school, while at the SEC school it was uncommon. 
That story made me think of a night that I had in college. I am not going to say I was a big man on campus, but I did play baseball at an ACC school, so people around campus knew who I was more than the average student. One night, I got a message on Facebook from a girl I had never spoken with before asking if she could come over and get naked in my room. I then looked at her pictures and realized I had in the past had classes with this girl, but had never spoken to her. 
It was a Tuesday or Wednesday night, so I said sure come on over. To make a long story short, she came over immediately. She walked in and the only conversing we had was her saying she wanted to fuck. After banging her for 45 minutes, I was over it and finally said I had enough. 
Meanwhile, my two roommates are in our living room listening to all this. I walk outside and they go, “Who is that?” My response was, “Some girl messaged me on Facebook asking if she could get naked in my room.” They could not believe it. I said to them, “I couldn’t go, but she was begging me to keep going. Why don’t both of you go in there, she will definitely be down.”
My two roommates proceeded to go in there and have a threesome IN MY ROOM, with this girl after she fucked me. My one roommate claimed he had my catchers mask on, to try and avoid looking at my other roommate.
Moral of the story, I think your estimate of 5% of women wouldn’t sleep with multiple men in the same night is low. I have found deep down, most women love fucking even more than I do. 
The best part of the story was, after she fucked my two roommates IN MY ROOM, she asked me if she could get a ride home. I told her, “Yes, I will meet you outside.” As she walked outside I locked the door and turned to my roommates and said, “You guys are going to buy me a new bed tomorrow, I am never sleeping in that bed again.”
Your roommate wearing your catcher’s mask while having a threesome with another dude is one of the funniest images we’ve ever had in the mailbag.
I can’t stop laughing thinking about this.
Also, I should have played baseball at an ACC school.
“Clay, as a rational, racist, gay Muslim with insufficient facial hair, I need your help with a family dilemma.  Background; I live in a blue bubble, in a very red state, and my politics reflect my zip code.  One of my co-workers, who knows where I stand, recently gave me a Trump refrigerator magnet in a humorous attempt to raise my blood pressure.  This is where it gets wacky.
My sister, who lives in an equally red state, is extremely outspoken on social media, and not in support of our Commander-in-Chief.  Thinking there was a humor opportunity here, I sent the refrigerator magnet to her in an envelope with no return address, and a handwritten letter that said “How do you like me now?  MAGA!”  As luck would have it, the Post Office did not postmark the letter in my zip code, so she has no idea where the letter/gift originated.
 
Upon receipt, she was mildly troubled, and decided to post photos of the letter, envelope, and magnet on Facebook to see if anyone would own the episode.  The response was predictable – all of her FB friends are curled up in the fetal position, looking for a safe space.  She was even prodded into calling the police department to report the receipt…of an unsolicited Trump refrigerator magnet.
 
Of course, I’ve been in tears laughing at the fallacy of it all (when did we lose our capacity for humor and become so thin-skinned?), and am now going to pile on with a few more harmless mailings (from zip codes where friends will mail the letters for me).  As the oldest sibling, I am perfectly comfortable stirring the pot.  While I’m not a Trump fan either, I find this whole situation amazing.
My questions for you, oh wise one; do I ever let on that I was the instigator of this harmless prank that exposed so many people as candidates for employment at MSESPN, or do I take the secret to my grave?  And are there other tactics I can/should deploy in the spirit of harmless humor to make a point?
Your relentless wisdom would be greatly appreciated.”
I love the call to the police here.
Sister: “Yes, I’d like to report a crime.”
Police: “Okay. What’s your crime?”
Sister: “Someone sent me a Donald Trump magnet in the mail.”
Police: “We’ll get our best investigative team on the case immediately.”
I also love the idea of continuing to trigger her, but I think at some point you have to step forward as the culprit. But not before you screenshot and document all of the reactions on Facebook.
Then send those to Outkick and we’ll post the liberal fallout.
But be careful. The way things are going you may end up getting charged with a hate crime and put in prison.

“I’m a long time reader, and I had my own run in with Title IX while going back to school for a 3rd career as an RN.  It is nowhere near as salacious as the USC kicker story, but I think it gives a fair glimpse into the absolute farce that is Title IX enforcement.

I was a 31 year old male going back to school for my RN, BSN.  I was in a program that was accelerated…everyone in it had already finished a bachelor’s degree in another field prior to matriculation.  Ages ranged from 25-45. I was one of 9 males amongst a class of 44.  

At the end of the first semester, I had developed friendships with a little group of 4-5 individuals, all female.  Purely platonic, I promise.  One of them, “Misty”, was getting married at the interim between spring and summer semesters, and was terrified of getting pregnant before the wedding.  On a tour of an OB/GYN clinic, I joked privately to this friend that she was in the right place to get a pregnancy test and then she could just relax. My friend laughed and shoved me.   

Apparently, a 3rd party….and also one of the 4-5 friends…overheard the joke (I thought I was out of earshot) and reported it as “inappropriate” to the director of the nursing program.  She then forwarded the complaint to the Title IX compliance office.  I was notified of this complaint on a Friday, by email.  The email stated I was suspended from all educational activity until I came to campus for an interview.  All activity.  Including clinicals which were to occur over the weekend and were absolutely mandatory.

I show up to the Title IX office in total bewilderment about what was going on.  They placed me in a conference room with a yellow legal pad and a pen.  10 minutes later a very imposing gentleman entered stating he was so and so, the investigator for the University, and that he was a former detective with the city police.  He never advised me of any rights. He also never initially leveled any accusations. He sat down and said, “tell me what you did.”  I had no idea.  I asked what I was there for and what I was being accused of, and if I needed a lawyer present.  He said I was not allowed a lawyer as this wasn’t a criminal proceeding.  Eventually, he came to reveal I was being accused of sexual harassment for the joke I told.  He never stated who accused me or what exactly they accused me of.  I was just told to confess.   I explained the joke…and how it was to a friend, etc.  After 2 hours, I was allowed to leave with my suspension temporarily lifted so I could attend clinicals over the weekend.

Immediately contacting friends, including the one to whom the joke was told, it became apparent the complaint was from this third party.  “Misty” had been summoned and questioned at the same time I had, and had explained it was a harmless joke and it didn’t bother her at all. 

On Monday afternoon, I was called and summoned back to campus to speak with another individual…a psychologist (Masters prepared) who was a professor and author from another school.  He interviewed me…I would call it borderline interrogation…to see if I was “actually sorry” for the harm I had caused and if I was a candidate for “restorative justice” towards the afflicted party.  Honestly, Clay…I was in full what-the-fuck mode but in my research over the prior weekend, I had become very aware of how the Title IX folks can fuck with your education.    I answered this quasi-lunatic and his interrogation.   Afterwards, the ex-detective came and replaced the psychologist.  He was there to inform me I had been found “guilty” by the standard of the “preponderance of evidence” of committing sexual harassment.  I was to attend school-based counseling for my “issues”…no fewer than 4 sessions.  I was also informed, extremely thoroughly, that ANY attempt to contact and/or discuss this with the accusing party (whom they still never named) would be considered as a flagrant violation of the “no revenge” policy and I would be immediately expelled.  

I was allowed to rejoin classes immediately, however.

All of this…over a joke…

This country is fucked.

Sincerely,

The best damn heart nurse in America.”

I got a ton of absurd Title IX stories, but this one was my favorite. When even male nurses are under investigation for the jokes they tell to their friends, you know we’ve gone too far.

It’s time for reasonable people, male and female alike, to seriously take a step back and contemplate what’s going on here. Do we really want to live in a country like this? Where if you don’t like a harmless joke you lead to a student interrogation and investigation?

I don’t.

We also need to consider what kind of people want jobs like these. Do you think a reasonable person goes to work as a Title IX investigator or do you think the people who take these jobs are already inclined to believe that men are evil? I think it’s the latter. This means that many investigations are biased against men from the start.

Put simply, a normal person doesn’t have a job investigating campus jokes.

The people being publicly shamed here shouldn’t be the joke tellers, it should be the people anonymously complaining to Title IX investigators.

I’ve made this suggestion before, but every week one person who makes a baseless complaint on campus should be penalized and forced to wear around a posterboard strapped to them that says, “I’m a complete pussy for complaining about things that don’t really matter.”

How quickly do you think that would change behavior? If the people who are perpetually offended knew that they could end up being publicly shamed too? Because right now we have an unequal playing field, people think if they are offended that everyone else has to bow down to them and apologize.

We need to end this charade that you have a right not to be offended in this country.

#dbap

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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