It’s Tuesday and time for the anonymous mailbag.
We just finished the Tuesday morning Outkick the Coverage radio show and I can give you guys a little tease, good news is coming on the show being on Nashville radio for all three hours in the near future. We’ll have good news coming in other cities soon as well — the show is growing pretty rapidly — but we’ll have Nashville radio news for you, hopefully, by Thanksgiving.
So stay tuned there.
Now, on to the anonymous mailbag. As always, you can email the anonymous mailbag at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll guarantee your anonymity. (Also, I get all the emails you guys send me, but I don’t have time to respond to the vast majority now. So if I’m not responding to your email, it doesn’t mean that I’m not reading them or that I hate you, it just means that if I responded to every email and Tweet and Facebook message it’s honestly all I’d be able to do all day long. But I do read all of them. So thanks for taking the time to send them.)
Okay, on to the mailbag.
“I’m a woman, married and in her mid thirties. We have good, not great sex about once or twice a week, but lately he’s been more attentive and dedicated to, well, ensuring that I finish, which he wasn’t always been that aware of in the past. But he recently disclosed a fetish that has me nervous. He told me that he wants to lock himself in a chastity device and give me the key. He says it’s to help him focus on me more.
He says that this is becoming pretty common fetish and all I have to do is unlock him every now and then at my discretion. He says he likes the idea of being controlled by me. I’m a little concerned about all this and I’m not sure how to go about it.
Since you’re the expert on all kinds of weird sex stuff, is this common? Am I really expected to treat his member like a dog in a kennel? How do I make this fun for me?
Sorry to treat you like a kinky Dear Abby, but I just want to hear your take on this.”
I have never heard of this fetish at all. I mean, I’ve heard of chastity belts, but I thought they only existed for women hundreds of years ago, not for men in 2016.
I’m assuming this chastity belt isn’t made of metal material or something else that would make an erection painful. Because having an erection pressing against metal just sounds awful.
Having said that, if he’s really into wearing a chastity belt, what do you have to lose here?
I don’t think this is a common fetish, but I don’t see how it’s really that harmful.
Plus, you can threaten to never give him the key again while he’s wearing the chastity belt, which can probably get him to do more than just service you during sex. Who knows, maybe you can even get him to fulfill every married woman’s deepest, most ardent and scandalous fantasy while he’s wearing the chastity belt — completing more household chores.
“My oldest boy is 31. His current girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been dating for a year. Here is the deal, when they come to our house I expect them to stay in separate bedrooms, seems obvious to me, like hello, they are not married. What the hell happens when they stay at her parents house? He considers me to be a relic from some bygone age for this hopelessly clueless position. I say, it’s my house, I set the parameters. My wife is not happy with the same bedroom idea, but she doesn’t think the issue is worth going to the mat over. What say you, oh wise one? I have told her that whether or not I like the girlfriend has nothing to do with my position, we have plenty of bedrooms, they each get their own. Enlighten me!”
I don’t think I’m an old man with old man rules, but when our three boys have girlfriends and come back to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I’d expect them to sleep in different rooms than their girlfriends until they’re married to those girls.
Now, would I modify the rule in some circumstances?
Sure. (I’m fine with general rules, but I think you reach the point of idiocy if you always apply a bright line rule and don’t consider the circumstances.)
For instance, if my boys are over the age of thirty and living together with a girlfriend does it seem a bit ridiculous to make them sleep in different rooms then?
What if your kids aren’t married, but they have kids? Then it would be ridiculous for mom and dad to have to sleep in different rooms, right?
So I think you have to be somewhat flexible with your rule.
Here your son is 31 and the girl is 25. Assuming they don’t live together, I’d want and expect them to be in different rooms too. If your son is truly flipping out about this issue, I think that’s much weirder behavior than your rule.
First, they can break the rule.
It’s not like I’d be enforcing a bed check.
Second, maybe I’m weird too, but why does sleeping in the same bed matter that much? We’ve got three kids. There are lots of times that my wife and I aren’t in the same bed now. Hell, when I’m waking up at 4:01 every morning for the radio show, my wife isn’t sleeping in our bedroom a ton. I suspect the only people who care about this rule are people who are otherwise insecure about their relationships or just starting out.
There are tons of married men and women going to relatives homes for Thanksgiving this weekend who would kill to have their own bedroom over the holidays.
I guarantee you my wife would sign up right now when we’re at her mom’s house if she knew she got her own bedroom and neither me nor any of the three boys would bother her until 7:30 in the morning.
That’s like a mom’s dream.
“My husband and I have conversations about who is a hot celebrity and whenever he “wonders” if a female celebrity has naked pictures out there, I go on my phone and look them up and show him. Recently, such an event happened. I was about to show a friend something on my phone that I thought was funny and when I opened by browser, the naked search was there. I explained why they were there and she said I was crazy and that I shouldn’t be showing my husband stuff like that and NO other wife would ever do this kind of thing. I responded that he is likely looking at worse things anyway and why shouldn’t I join in on the fun? She also thinks her significant other would NEVER disrespect her by looking at “such filth.” I disagreed.
What is your take here? Do other wives do this? Am I crazy? I happen to think she is delusional and that when she finds his secret browser with “such filth” on it, she will find herself very lonely.
By the way, great job on the show, the website, everything! You are killing it. And, you also owe your wife a new couch after letting the boys jump on it last night. #DBAP”
The other wife is clueless.
Her husband looks at naked women on his phone too. Hopefully, for her sake, it’s just naked celebrities and not other naked women that he actually knows.
What you did is perfectly normal.
The other woman is the outlier.
Plus, who doesn’t want to see naked famous people regardless of their sex? Did I go look at the Justin Bieber dick pics the moment they came out? Uh, do I have a pulse? Of course I did. (By the way, the Bieber dick pics were totally staged. Every guy knows the best possible time to have a “secret” penis photo taken. It’s immediately after sex when you’ve got the full on limp erection post-sex penis working. That’s every guy’s best dick day. Are you telling me that Bieber’s dick pics just happened to be taken at that exact time by chance? Get the fuck out of here. You know when “secret” dick pics never get taken? When it’s 14 degrees outside and you just did the polar bear club and are bent over sideways trying to put on dry pants.
“I’m a straight guy, but my best friend in the world is a girl. She and I went to different schools, but I visited her often and got to know her sorority sisters really well, even hooked up with a few of them. Fast forward to now, and everyone has been graduated for a few years.
This past weekend, we had a “mountain weekend” which is basically where we rent a cabin in north Georgia and just get super drunk. It’s sort of an “anything goes” weekend. The group consisted of my best friend, a lot of her sorority sisters, and a big group of guys who they know through a mutual friend. I’m hooking up with one of the sorority sisters for the weekend.
It’s midnight on Saturday, and I’m about to jump into the hot tub with the girl I’m hooking up with and a few friends before I realize it’s a skinny dipping session. There’s a dude in there too, so I’m a little iffy. The girls decide to leave and go to the showers which have a steam thing in them which turn the shower into a sauna (it’s awesome), and I am invited along in the process.
So I am sitting in a steamy shower with three naked girls, only one of whom I am fucking. The other two are just good friends, so the whole thing is pretty platonic, even a little weird. But I’m not complaining, I’m showering with three girls by myself, it’s a big move on the sex bucket list. The two girls I’m not hooking up with end up leaving so I can have some alone time with the girl I’m hooking up with. It gets super hot, so we get out of the shower.
Here’s the problem: one of the girls who left early from the shower is sort of dating one of the guys at the mountain weekend. He sees us leaving the shower and assumes the worst (the copious amounts of alcohol are not helping). He gets into a fight with his girl and there’s a whole bunch of yelling going on upstairs as I write this. I would like to go up and talk it out with the guy and explain that there’s nothing to worry about, but he is pretty drunk, and I don’t think reason will prevail.
The question is this: did I make a mistake by getting in that shower? I didn’t even consider the fact that one of the girls had a guy there who she is seeing, and now there’s a whole thing. I’m thinking that it wasn’t worth it. Please justify my decision or let me know if I need to admit wrongdoing.”
If you can get in a shower with three naked girls, you get in a shower with three naked girls.
Plus, it’s not like you had an orgy in there. (But I bet you’re jerking off to this scene for the next 25 years of your life pretending that you did have an orgy.)
What should happen here is this girl should get the other two girls together again and let her drunk boyfriend take a shower with them too.
Then the other two girls should leave and she should bang him in the shower.
Then everything’s square.
Just call me King Solomon.
(By the way, sex tip for the ladies, you can solve 99% of all issues that you’re having with your boyfriend or husband if you just bang him in the shower. Trust me.)
“I’m currently a graduate instructor at (Big 12 school) and I’ve had sex with a former student and fooled around quite a bit with a current student. Now, believe me when I tell you, this did/does not impact their grades at all.
The first, former student of mine told me she wanted to “get a good grade in my class, and fuck [me].” At first I was pissed off cuz I felt like I was getting used. Turns out she sort of meant it, she got a C+ in the class and then we had sex two weeks after the semester ended.
The other (current) student isn’t a student whose grades I directly control, so I have almost full deniability here, but we went out and I took her back to my place and we had sex.
But I want to know if I’m a dick for taking advantage of my position of power here. They’re both total hotties and are amazing at what they do (in terms of sex) and I would consider myself a pretty good looking guy, but am I a total scum bag? Would this be happening if I wasn’t their instructor and didn’t fill some weird “sex with my professor” fantasy for them? (The first one literally told me she had a fantasy she talked about with her friends of me fucking her in my office).
Your wisdom in this scenario is much needed and appreciated.”
Look, would I like to tell you that if I were a single guy working as a TA that I would never bang a student?
But if I were a single guy working as a TA would I probably bang a student?
What I would suggest is not banging any actual students until they’re former students. That way you don’t lose your graduate scholarship or get called into some bullshit honor council meeting. Then you have all these people quizzing you about whether you had sex with her or not and you’re trying to lie when really all you want to say is, “Come on, have you seen her tits? Of course I did it.”
Also, you’re a much more honest grader than me. if I had a hot student tell me that she wanted to bang me, she’s definitely getting a B+ in my class — and probably an A — just for saying that. No way I give her a C+ even if her work was total crap.
So, no, I don’t think you’re a scumbag.
As for whether these girls would bang you if you weren’t their professor, why do you care? Do you think Cam Newton is banging hot chicks and thinking, “I wonder if this chick would bang me if I weren’t a multi-millionaire NFL quarterback?”
Of course not.
You might want to make that decision when you decide who to marry — that is, would this person like me if I was just an average dude? — but even then I think this question is overrated.
The entire purpose of most male success is to ensure you have better sex partners than you otherwise would. Why would you want to only sleep with the girls who would still bang you even if you were an unsuccessful loser? The reason you went to law school or med school or college or achieved a skill that pays you more than other skills do was, to a large degree even if you won’t admit it, so the quality of your sexual partners would increase.
So why would you want to only bang the girls who would still bang you if you hadn’t accomplished anything?
“You’ve cautioned all of us about not letting people swipe through our cell phone pics. A couple of months ago, our family was having lunch with my wife’s grandparents who are in their late 70s. Her grandmother was swiping through some photos I had taken of my son at various events and games. She was swiping along when she suddenly let out a yelp and THREW my phone across the table like it had physically shocked her. It bounced, almost knocked over a glass of tea and ended up on the seat between my wife and me. Half of the restaurant was looking at us and she was clearly freaked the fuck out.
I picked up the phone which was fine (Thanks, Otterbox!) and the attached pic was on the screen. It’s one of those accidental shots you take of your hand when you’re carrying a phone around with the camera app on. Obviously, she thought it was something much worse. My wife and I both tried to tell her what it was and even tried to show her that part of my hand to compare to the picture. She wasn’t having any of it and didn’t say another word for the rest of the meal.
She hasn’t spoken to either of us since that day. Thanksgiving should be fun…”
You should make things so much more awkward at Thanksgiving this year and stand up and say, “Listen, Granny, that’s not my dick, here’s my dick,” and just drop your pants right at the table and wave your dick around right beside the cranberry sauce and stuffing.
Also, your story here is pretty funny, but you know your grandmother has been telling all her friends about her son-in-law’s naked photos that she saw on his phone. She’s turned you into Hugh Hefner by now; her friends all think you and your wife are orgy people.
This is probably the most scandalous thing that’s happened to grandma’s sewing circle in a long time — LOUISE SAW A NAKED PICTURE — even if nothing happened.
As a general rule the older you get the lamer your gossip gets.
I remember when I was a little kid home from school I’d go stay at my grandma’s house and we’d sit around and watch TV all day. Seriously, that’s all she did. Wake up, put on the game shows — she watched every game show — and then keep watching right through the soap operas. When I was in fourth grade my grandma and I had the exact same TV viewing patterns.
Except her phone would ring and she’d gossip. And it would always be really boring gossip.
Mostly about people dying or not going to church.
So my advice to all of you is this — don’t get old.
Also, happy Thanksgiving.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com