Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, rejoice, it’s time for the anonymous mailbag.

If you haven’t been checking out our new Wins and Losses podcast, you should be. This week’s guest is comedian Nate Bargatze. So far we’ve had on Kirk Herbstreit, Colin Cowherd, Jason Whitlock, SEC commissioner Greg Sankey, Mike Leach, I think you’re going to love these if you go take a listen. 

As always send your mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, here we go:

“Quick background: met a girl online a few years ago. We’re both on the wrong side of 30.  Talked a long time before a relationship started. Been dating over a year, and moved in together over the summer.

The issue is, she has had very little experience relationship wise and isn’t ready for sex. For awhile, that was fine. Been in plenty of relationships where it became all about sex and ended quickly. But now, any time we get close, she has a reason/excuse why she isn’t ready. But when I ask if she is waiting for something specific like engagement/marriage, she says no. Just says she isn’t ready yet. I don’t want to force her into anything she doesn’t want, but I also don’t want to keep going on like this. So, any thoughts or suggestions you have are welcome. Thanks.”

Wait, so you live with each other in the same home, you’re both over the age of thirty, and you aren’t sleeping together?

Honestly, this is unheard of.

Do you make out? Heavy pet? Have you gotten to third base yet? Have you seen her naked? I’m filled with questions about this relationship.

Regardless, it’s not normal, something major is at play here. Maybe it’s psychological or maybe it’s physical, but you deserve some sort of explanation for her reticence. I’d understand, at least a bit, if she was religious and she was waiting on marriage, but you’ve already determined that isn’t the issue.

You deserve an answer which is something more than she isn’t ready yet.

A good question for you: you aren’t ready for sex, but you are ready to share a home with me? That seems backwards. I think for the vast, vast majority of men and women in this country it would be a much bigger decision to move in together than to have sex together.

So how is she ready to live together, but not ready to sleep together?

That’s why I think this is something psychological or something physical.

Good luck getting this worked out and I think I speak for everyone reading this when I say we’d love an update for the mailbag.

“So I just turned 30 and I don’t know if there is a worse thing starting my thirties off than peeing the bed. I wasn’t drunk, on drugs or high or anything….and didn’t have bed wetting issues growing up. My question for you is, do I tell people? Or keep this a secret? My wife is apparently telling everyone she can short of posting it on FB…but it’s kinda funny right? Or no. I’m not sure and need your advice.”

It’s funny once.

But what if you keep wetting the bed?

Then it goes from funny to really annoying and really weird behavior for a thirty year old man.

Now I don’t want to get into your head and turn you into Rick Ankiel trying to throw pitches or a guy with a limp dick trying to have sex, but what in the world do you think might have caused this? And do you think it might happen again?

I’d try and diagnose the problem here so it didn’t happen again.

One suggestion, however, if you are good at pranks and keeping a straight face and want to dial back how many people know this story. If so, I’d suggest turning the tables on your wife. I’d tell your wife you scheduled an appointment with the doctor because while you thought it was funny that you wet the bed, you also went online and found out adult men wetting the bed can actually be a sign of something being really wrong. (Note: this is probably true. Never look up symptoms on the Internet because you’ll always get convinced you’re going to die.) But tell her you went to the doctor and they ran some some tests on you and it turns out the reason you’ve been wetting the bed is you haven’t been ejaculating enough.

If you’re a really good actor you can tell her you quit masturbating because you thought it was cheating on her, but that you guys hadn’t been having sex much lately and that’s why your urination happened. So, really, while it’s funny to make fun of you really the reason for the bed wetting is because you haven’t been having enough sex and…come to think of it, as I write this I think I might just lie and not tell her the truth and hope this leads to more sex.

I’m not even sure I’d turn this into a prank.

Needless to say, if you start having more sex and you wet the bed again, you have to wake up before her, get a glass of warm water, and pour it out on her side of the bed so it looks like she peed the bed instead of you.

All marital relationships are founded on deceit anyway — you claim you didn’t just want to sleep with her the first time you met and she claims she didn’t project your future income for the next forty years after your first date.

Good luck.

“One of my good friends is involved in what I would say is a very toxic relationship. They are in their late 20’s and have (somehow) been dating over two years. The red flags with this girl are endless. She has major trust issues. For example, she looks through his phone all the time and gets triggered if he doesn’t text her back quickly enough when he is hanging out with his family/friends or at work.
She takes advantage of him on a regular basis.
Most recently, she guilt tripped him into giving her $200 to buy new clothes because he missed her 1am phone call while he was asleep on vacation. Among other things, she just doesn’t respect boundaries and isn’t accountable for her actions.
I know my friend is pretty fed up at this point, but this girl has mental health issues and has harmed herself in the past. I think he struggles with ending the relationship because he worries that she will harm herself again. What can we do to help him end the relationship?”
Well, up until the end part of your email this just sounds like a typical relationship involving two young people, one of whom is incredibly controlling and is using technology to make herself more controlling.
Think about this for a minute, how did a controlling woman (or man) control a relationship before the telephone existed? Via letters? Were there guys back in the 1850’s who were like, “Harold is such a pussy. He’s got this new girlfriend, Maude, and she writes him letters all the time and now he’s not going out tonight because he’s sitting up in his room with a quill and ink writing her another letter! When will these damn letters end? He used to be so much more fun!”
I suspect that guys have always complained about the girls their friends date and said their guy friends aren’t as much fun any more. (I’m not a woman so I don’t know how common this complaint is for women. But I would guess it is less common if only for the fact that women, in general, look forward to marriage more than men do. That is, marriage is something that women aspire to more than it’s something that men aspire to. I’ve never had a guy friend, in my entire life, who I have ever had a conversation about what his wedding might be like. Not one. Hell, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a conversation with an engaged friend who is about to get married about what his wedding is going to be like. I would bet this isn’t the case for women, but I don’t know for sure. For the record, 99% of all conversations I’ve ever had with guy friends have been about sports, women, money or sex. I’m not sure if that’s normal, but that’s the truth.)
But here your situation is made more complicated based on the emotional status of the woman.
That obviously complicates the situation, but you can’t stay in a relationship with someone because you’re afraid of what they might do if you leave them. Because how does this end? With you getting married to someone you don’t love any more so you don’t hurt their feelings?
Obviously tact matters a great deal here, but no person can be a slave to the emotions of another person.
But ultimately this isn’t your problem or your choice, it’s your friend’s problem and your friend’s choice. Short of showing him how much better of options he has when it comes to other women — which you should do — the simple truth is you can’t make him do anything.
You can tell him your opinion, but in the end that’s all you can do.
“Clay, I have a situation, that baffles me, with some of my best friends from college and I need your thoughts on it. I am a 25-year-old single male and like many this day and age I have a group text message I am in with my best friends from college seeing as many of us live in different cities. Now for background the group consists of a married man, a few engaged men, a man in a long-term relationship, and a few single men.
Now here is my issue that I need your opinion on. One of the single men, a few months ago, mentioned in the group text he could really use a BJ to start his morning. Of course I agreed and figured most any man, single or gay, would agree. Now here is the problem the man in the long-term relationship and myself were the only ones that agreed and said how fantastic that would be. The rest of the guys were dead silent, they didn’t say anything.
Now many people are busy and have their own lives so I didn’t think much of it. Fast-forward a month and the topic of BJ’s and strippers comes up and it’s just the three of us discussing these wonderful things again. A pattern was recognized and in the past few weeks we have brought up BJ’s and strippers frequently just to test the waters. Every time it falls on deaf ears. So I have a few questions I would like your thoughts on. One, is this immature behavior by us (I don’t believe so after all we are males in our mid twenties)? Two, is this normal behavior for men to no longer comment on BJ’s and strippers once a ring is on the finger? If so I will most definitely be heading your advice and waiting till my 30’s to get married. Lastly, and probably most likely, is this simply a case of us being in different stages in our lives and I just don’t understand it since I am a single man enjoying life right now? My fear is my friends have all their messages read or even worse sent to their wives and quite frankly their wives have them by the balls.”
I think one of two things is at play here: 1. The fiancees or wives are reading the group texts. 2. The engaged guys and the married guy are afraid their fiancees or their wives might read the group texts.
Otherwise I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t engage in this type of conversation.
Group texts for married or engaged guys are dangerous because context is lost and, honestly, because I think men and women talk differently.
One of my buddies was on a group text recently with his college buddies and they were exulting about a big college win. One of the guys said he was so happy he’d let the star player bang his wife doggystyle while he gave him high fives.
This led to further suggestions — all jokes — involving various sexual shenanigans including wives that would be traded for big wins over rivals.
Again, all jokes, all funny.
Except one guy was silent.
Because his wife was reading the group text. Next thing you know “he” sends a text saying, “I can’t believe you would say this about the mothers of your children!”
Uh oh.
Now the group text jokes don’t surprise me because this is how most of the guys I know would talk on a group text. The goal of the conversation was to make everyone laugh — while celebrating a big win. But if a random wife or girlfriend, who might not have the same sense of humor that the men do — do women celebrate big wins by ever talking about how their husbands can have sex with the woman while they give high five?
(The husband later admitted the jokes were funny, but his wife didn’t find them funny and saw them that night on his phone so he tried to avoid World War III by sending the mother of your children text while she watched him like a hawk to ensure he disavoved the group text frivolity.)
This, by the way, isn’t limited to wives (or husbands for that matter). What would happen if the news media got a hold of your group text chain and published them on the front page of the New York Times? (Something similar to this happened to the governor of Puerto Rico, but, to be fair, if you’re a politician you probably shouldn’t be on group text chains with buddies anyway). The context of those group texts — and certainly the humor — would probably be lost and odds are you’d look like a total asshole and (probably) lose your job. (Especially in this current era when if anyone is offended by anything you’re finished.)
So I think that’s what likely is at play in the group text silence.
As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
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