It’s Tuesday, time to make the world a better place with the anonymous mailbag.
As always you can email your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.
Here we go:
“A while back my wife came to me and let me know that she was really embarrassed and felt very wrong that she may have violated our marriage. It turns out that she had a rather detailed dream about someone else, she was also quick to let me know that in the dream she did not actually have sex but it was a very hot and steamy dream.
So the real question to you is: how bothered by this should I be? I mean it really bothers me she did this while I was asleep next to her but the thing that really gets me is it was a well known person and I’m most bothered by the fact she was dreaming about Dave Matthews someone whose music she has never listened too nor cares about.
I mean if it would have been some stud horse of a man I wouldn’t have cared and would have laughed because it would have been perfectly normal.
So my real question is how long can I screw with her about this before she cuts me off from sleeping with her?”
Was he slowly strumming the guitar while he banged her?
Because if not, I really don’t think she got her money’s worth here.
Back in high school one of our friends made the mistake of admitting he’d had a sex dream about our French teacher. You really had to see this woman to know how incredible that confession was, but it also led to one one of the most entertaining conversations you can have: who is the most embarrassing person you’ve ever had a sex dream about?
If you get alcohol flowing and your friends are honest this can turn into an incredible conversation.
Regardless, for the next couple of years on her birthday you should give your wife vintage Dave Mathews t-shirts from his concert tours.
And I think you need to make it a habit to occasionally be listening to “Crash Into Me,” every now and then when she enters the room.
If she rolls her eyes, say, “Oh, you roll your eyes now, but as soon as I fall asleep, it’s a different story. He’s an artist, an artist!”
“Clay, I ‘m happily married with 2 boys.
I married my wife out of college, smoking hot at the time.
But as we’ve aged into our 30’s, I’ve noticed something about her but don’t know what to say or if I should say anything at all.
Over the last 12-18 months I’ve noticed hair starting to come up on her upper lip. At first I thought this was normal for women her age. I didn’t make a big deal out of it and overlooked it, knowing I have my own physical flaws.
Things changed for me over the New Years Eve holiday when we were celebrating in New Orleans. After midnight we were both drunk and wanting to have some fun. We started kissing and I could feel the hair on her upper lip intertwining with my own mustache. I tried to keep going but got a hair in my mouth that I know wasn’t mine. I immediately stopped and told her I was feeling sick from the alcohol. What should I do here? Luckily the hair is blonde so it’s not that noticeable until you get close to her. But it is a total buzzkill in the bedroom when it feels like you’re kissing another man. What should I do?”
Things that every woman secretly worries her husband will one day say to her, ranked:
1. I’m gay.
2. You look fat in every dress you own and you always have.
3. Your vagina smells horrible.
4. Your mustache is so noticeable I can’t sleep with you.
So congrats to you for not fulfilling one of the three worst fears of her married life, you only hit the fourth worst fear of her married life.
You’re a great catch!
I’m not an expert on women’s mustaches, but I do know that most women are experts at hair removal. (My wife is like a seal, the only hair she has on her is on her head and eyebrows, otherwise I have no idea how she gets rid of all her other body hair. But they all know how to do it. So your wife knows too.)
What’s more, whatever amount of time you spend looking at your wife up close pales in comparison to the amount of time she spends looking at herself up close. So I’m kind of surprised she wouldn’t have noticed her growing mustache.
Which makes me wonder if it’s really that noticeable or really that much different than it ever has been before.
Plus, is this really about the mustache or about you nitpicking with her in an effort to find faults? In other words, has her blonde mustache really gotten so noticeable of late that you can’t make out with her? Or are you looking for reasons not to be attracted to her?
Because I have to say, this feels a bit psychosomatic.
Having said that, I really don’t know how you bring this up with her without it creating issues for you, potentially, for the rest of your life.
No one wants to be the husband who brings up the mustache.
Do you have a sister that could bring it up with her? Tactfully, perhaps, and without involving you?
Because if you’re going to start a conversation with your wife that begins, “Honey, your mustache is getting really noticeable of late, do you think you could get that treated?” your married life feels like it might be over.
“This is on behalf of a friend of mine in law school. We are both set to graduate from law school in May of 2020. He has been dating a girl for 5 years & is ready to ask her parents for their permission to get married (all parties are southerners). Here’s the issue, her parents expected that he was ready to ask & reached out to him first. They set forth requirements that he has to do before they give their permission (not blessing).
(1) He must set forth a “religious plan” for their future;
(2) He must set forth a financial plan for two events: (a) plans if he passes the bar; & (b) plans if he fails the bar.
My opinion on the matter is that he has to do it. Her parents are more than likely going to be his future in-laws, & regardless of how unreasonable their request is, it is not worth burning this bridge. He can take 30 minutes one afternoon & knock out an acceptable memo for her parents.
I mean, this is an absolutely ridiculous demand.
Is it 1874?
Does this girl have any agency at all her herself? Is she a two year old orphan that he’s adopting or a grown ass woman?
It seems like these future in-law concerns, such as they are, could be discussed at a meal as opposed to put into writing like a business plan. Is he going to get cows as a dowry if they approve of his memo?
I’d be tempted to write the most sarcastically absurd memo imaginable if I were him. (Even if I never sent it to them because I knew that would forever tank my relationship with my in-laws.)
It would be amazing as a part of condition one if he wrote in his memo, “I’m so glad you asked about our religious plan for the future. Just to let you know and keep you updated, this is something we’ve been focused on quite a bit. Our “religious plan” is to go to church.
Unless I’m too hungover, the work load is too extreme or my team loses the night before in college football, because then it’s pretty clear that God hates me.
Regarding sex, I have only been having anal with your daughter to ensure her hymen doesn’t tear during vaginal sex.
Once we’re married my plan is to enter her vagina with my penis. Initially I will thrust slowly so as to alleviate her pain, but once we breach the hymen, I will thrust more vigorously. (If she does not have a hymen, I will immediately cease all sexual activity, put her in the car, and drive her to your house, whereupon I will expect profuse apologies from you — and potentially several more cows — for your failure to maintain her virginity.)
I’d also like to experiment with the man putting his mouth on the woman’s privates while the woman puts her mouth on the man’s privates at the same time, known colloquially as the “69” because of its resemblance to the numbers six and nine.
Please let me know if this works for you.”
As for part two, do they really think he’s never going to pass the bar? How dumb is he? I don’t know anyone who has ever spent three years in law school, graduated, and been unable to pass the bar no matter how many times he or she tries.
If he can’t pass the bar, they shouldn’t let their daughter marry him because he’s an idiot.
He should put that in the memo.
In all honesty, while I’m ridiculing the notion here, the big issue that he’s going to face, based on these requests, is his in-laws are going to be involved a great deal in his life. That can be fine if it’s helpful bits of advice or financial support for a young couple, but this goes far beyond that.
They are making an early attempt to micromanage both of their lives.
I’m fine with the boyfriend or girlfriend’s parents grilling either of them on life details and life plans for the future. (In fact, sometimes it can be helpful for your kid to see some of the challenges that come with marriage. But I think it should be face-to-face and I think it should be in front of both the man and woman.)
I’m also completely fine with a man requesting permission from her family to propose to their daughter — I did this and I think it’s a custom worth protecting — but this should just be a formality, in the same way that the person conducing a marriage asks the crowd if anyone objects to the marriage. If you actually object to someone asking your daughter to marry them, you’re an asshole. Just like if you object at a wedding. (I mean, by the way, if the person is a grown adult and not presently in jail or a genuinely bad dude. I’m talking about just a normal guy asking for marriage.)
In summation, I’m less troubled by the request here and more troubled by what it signifies going forward.
I’d do it if I really loved the girl, but I’d also tell her about it and let her read what I wrote. This is really an issue for her to hash out with her parents, not one that her future husband should be involved in.
“Clay, need some insight with my current situation. A former co-worker and I have been talking/flirting for a few weeks now. She lives in NYC and I’m in Philly, and we’ve been trying to find a weekend to meet up but with the holidays agreed to wait until January. FWIW, she gave me her number so we could figure out a suitable weekend.
When texting her on Christmas, I asked when she was free for me to visit. She said that I was a great guy but didn’t think I should come up just to see her. She also said to text her when I’m in town and maybe we could meet up for drinks. I’m planning on going up this weekend because DBAP but I can’t shake the feeling something else might be going on (i.e she’s seeing someone else) because her response seems so abrupt and incongruent with the vibes she was sending me. What am I missing?”
I mean, the easy read here is she likes someone else more than you and as a result doesn’t want to lead you on by having you make a specific trip to the city just to see her. (She also may think you’re potentially planning on staying with her and she clearly doesn’t want that to happen at all.)
So here’s an easy bit of advice for every guy out there: Never make an initial trip to a city just to see a girl.
Even if the reason for your trip is to see the girl, you’re always just there for work, but have time to meet for a drink.
That makes it easy and unthreatening. You show interest, but not too much interest. If she can’t make it out to meet you for a drink when you come into her city then, trust me, she’s not that into you.
That’s fine to know, but at least then you can move on without awkwardness.
It seems pretty clear that this girl is more interested in someone else right now. But who cares, you’re traveling from Philly to New York, not Miami to Seattle, you’ll have a good time regardless.
Go with a buddy and invite her out for a drink.
If things go well with the girl — maybe she really does like you — you can bail on your friend at the end of the night. (He should know what he’s signing up for on the trip, be honest with him). If not, you’ve got a buddy to hang out with in New York City and chase new girls.
“This spring I graduated college and moved away to a new city to start my first job. While there I met a girl and we’ve been going out for a few months. The relationship is great-we both have similar interests, same sense of humor and have great sex. However, there is one issue she is Jewish (more culturally than religiously i.e. not orthodox) and I am from a strongly evangelical family.
For some context I grew up in a very religious household however after I went away to college I eventually decided religion wasn’t for me. I have never mentioned this to my family as it would upset my mom so whenever I’m home I go to church with my family and tell my mom that I “go to a church back where I live now.”
The problem is I told my mom that I’m seeing this girl and that she’s Jewish and now my mom keeps asking me what I’m going to do about religion with her seemingly trying to guilt me by saying “this is about eternity”. What do I do? Should I finally fess up and tell my mom I’m not religious and if so how do I minimize the collateral damage or do I keep up the facade?”
Your mistake here was in telling your mom about your new girlfriend’s religion this soon in the relationship.
So I think what you should tell your mom is you aren’t that serious with this girl. (The problem is, if you weren’t that serious, why’d you bring her up in the first place?)
The bigger issue here is this, you say it’s not that big of a deal that this girl is Jewish, but you felt compelled to already tell your mom about it.
You’re 23 or so and you’ve been dating this girl for a few months, at most. There’s still a long runway towards you ending up engaged or married to this girl.
Which is why I think what’s really going on here is you’re using this girl’s religion as a way to tiptoe up to the conversation you really want to have with your family — that you’re not that religious.
But that’s really not fair to this girl because she’s not the cause of your lack of religion, she’s just a symptom of it. Your mom — and your family in general — is unlikely to see it this way, they are likely to see this girl as the reason why you’re abandoning your religion.
Odds are this relationship won’t last, but what if it does? Then you’ve made it appear you’re picking this girl over your family’s religious faith. Given that scenario, it’s hard to expect your mom to really embrace her into the family, maybe ever.
After all, while many of us may disagree with your mom, she thinks this girl is damning you to eternity forever.
Is it any wonder she’d not like her?
You need to come clean with your mom about what you actually believe.
As is, you’re using this new girlfriend as a cover to disguise your true beliefs. And that’s not fair to your girlfriend or your mom.
“Big fan of the show, Clay. So I am a huge saints fan, and my dickhead friend has a connection that provides him with a super bowl ticket each year. We have made the deal that each year at the start of the season, I give him $500, and in return he gives me a super bowl ticket if the saints make it to the Super Bowl. If they don’t make it, as has been the case since we started this deal 6 years ago, he keeps my money and I get nothing. Is this the year it happens? Am I an idiot? Please do not hold back.”
You poor bastard. (He sent this email a couple of days before the Saints lost in the playoffs for a third straight year on the final play of the game).
It could be far worse, however.
Imagine if you’d made this deal as a Detroit Lion fan.
You’d be out $27,000 and still never have gotten a single Super Bowl ticket.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com. As always, anonymity guaranteed.