Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday and not even the news that Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots or the coronavirus can keep us from cranking out a new edition of the anonymous mailbag.

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Okay, here we go:

“Is it irresponsible to refuse to postpone a destination wedding in Florida with 100+ travelers? The bride and groom have stated that it will have to be an act of government to postpone or cancel. What say you?”

I had a college friend’s April wedding in Florida that was literally canceled yesterday because of the coronavirus.

He made the right call. (It wasn’t technically a destination wedding since he’s from Miami and that’s where the wedding was, but most people were traveling, I think, for the wedding).

I think you have to postpone most (large) weddings at this point and you definitely have to postpone a wedding where you’re asking a large group of people to travel by airplane to it.

The only exception I could see is if it’s a small destination wedding. That is, if there are just fifteen or twenty people attending the wedding and all of them are relatively young. But if there are senior citizens invited at all — and how many weddings don’t involve senior citizens? — then I think you have to cancel it.

Just think about the worst case scenario here — what if your mom or dad — or her mom or dad — caught the coronavirus at your wedding because some of your young friends had the virus and had no idea they had it at the time?

You guys know I’m not the EVERYONE PANIC kind of guy, but there are just way too many uncertainties going on right now to have a large wedding that requires people to travel.

Now if it’s a small wedding and everyone is able to drive to it, I can see going ahead with it, but I wouldn’t want to get on an airplane flight anywhere right now and then get stuck there because, for instance, the border gets shut down. I bet there were people overseas in Europe for weddings when suddenly Europe got shut down for travel.

Can you imagine how much that would suck?

Plus, how many people who might have RSVP’d that they are coming would actually come? Half? A third? A quarter? How in the world do you plan on a venue when you don’t know how many people are actually coming.

I feel pretty awful for the guys who are engaged and planning on June weddings right now. It’s always hellish to deal with a bride and her mom planning a wedding, but can you imagine the added stress at play? June is the most popular month for weddings across the country.

How many of these weddings are going to completely collapse? It’s gotta be a huge percentage.

This is a total mess.

“My friend’s bachelor party is supposed to be in New Orleans next month. What do we do? Gotta cancel right due to the virus, right?”

I think you wait a bit longer to cancel, but I think that has to be the plan.

Look, every bar and strip club is pretty much shut down in New Orleans at this point. Maybe that changes in a few weeks, which is why I’d leave open the possibility of still going, but right now what are you going to do if you get down there? Just sit in a hotel room and then try and find a couple of places that are still open?

The vibe will be totally different.

Plus, as we discussed above, is the wedding even happening?

I’m not sure how big your bachelor party is, but I’d think about trying to do something outdoorsy if you still want to get together. Maybe rent a cabin the mountains or by a lake. Something akin to that is probably your best option

We just decided not to fly down to the beach on Wednesday because Seaside is shutting down on 30A in Florida. Sure, we could still walk down to the beach in Rosemary, where we have our place, but we’d have to restock an entire place with food and drink and just hang out there instead of hanging out in our house.

And I think more of the beach communities will shut down this weekend.

Plus, and this is what concerns me, what if our flight got canceled and we didn’t have a car to get back to Nashville? It would suddenly be impossible to rent a car.

I’ve got a home radio and TV studio. So I can do my work pretty easily without leaving the house.

Why complicate things more than you need to right now? So I’d advise staying close to home and waiting to see how this all plays out.

I know some people feel the need to over plan, but being as flexible as possible with your plans makes the most sense right now.

“My wife’s best friend, a married woman, recently shared that she has an attraction to a former co-worker (who is a female). This friend of my wife’s is pretty decent looking (I would rate a 7 on a global scale) Well, her husband has taken this pretty hard since his wife shared how she felt about this girl and it’s caused him a lot of depression and has made him question their marriage.

My wife brought this situation up to me and asked how I would react. Being the average smart guy that I am, I responded by saying, “I wouldn’t think it would be a big deal. If you shag with another girl, I don’t think I would have any feelings of jealousy. Just as long as it’s not a live dick in the mix I would be fine.” She then asked, what if I wanted to have a threesome involving another woman? I replied, “where’s the video camera and when will she be here?” This conversation eventually died down, but it got me thinking. How would I react in my friend’s situation whose wife is now attracted to other women? Is it just me, or is this kind of a good thing? How would you respond as the husband?”

Look, the husband is totally overreacting if he’s depressed and questioning their marriage after this revelation. If thsi is really happening then there are likely many other issues in their marriage than this, he’s just using it as an excuse.

Look, all people in marriages are attracted to other people outside of their marriage. It’s not like you get married and suddenly don’t notice if someone else is attractive. That just doesn’t happen.

Now there’s a pretty big difference between noticing someone else is attractive and acting on it. And the people who are usually the most upset about their spouses commenting on someone else’s attractiveness are typically the ones who are most concerned about faithfulness.

Many women are attracted to other women. That’s how threesomes happen.

If the husband thought the wife was likely to leave him and become a lesbian, that’s another story. (And it sounds like to me in this situation there are likely to be things much more significant that are involved than just his wife’s comments).

Because I’d imagine that if most men found out their wives wanted to hook up with another woman, far from being upset by it, they’d probably think it was hot.

Now they might not encourage it, but they’d probably think it was really hot.

This, of course, is one of the major differences between men and women.
If most women found out their husbands thought other men were good looking, they’d lose their minds. Because being married to a gay man, whether they admit it or not, is one of the biggest fears of women around the world. In case you haven’t ever watched Lifetime, most married women fear two things the most about their husbands: 1. he’s going to kill me. 2. he’s gay. (The third biggest fear is “he’s going to cheat on me,” but it’s a much less chilling fear than murder or a gay husband).
Ultimately what all three of these fears represent is the fear that the person you sleep next to, the person you think you know better than anyone, is actually a stranger, that he’s hiding some deep and essential part of his character from his partner.
And what that fear also represents, I think, is the idea that if you can be wrong about something this essential, what else are you missing out on?
But those are bigger questions. What I think is going on here is this husband isn’t very happy or confident in his relationship and this response is a symptom of a larger issue, not the issue itself.
“Please give me some insight to, in my opinion, one of the wildest poop behaviors I’ve ever encountered. So, the other day at work I went to the restroom. (FYI: the stalls in this bathroom directly face the long mirror above the sinks). As I’m washing my hands, I hear from behind me from one of the stalls, “Sup bro?” I identify the voice as one of my co-workers, and when I look up in the mirror at the stall, you could see through the crack of the stall’s door frame he had his shirt off. (Keep in mind that the dress code at work is shirt and tie, often full suits). So it obviously took him a minute to get to this point. 
I then ask, “Do you have your shirt off???” and he replies, “Yeah man. And everything else too.” In the most calm manner.
This dude is pooping in the community bathroom at work fully naked! I lost my mind! He said he always does this, no matter where he is because it’s just comfortable that way. You can’t even make this stuff up.
Am I insane for thinking this guy is absolutely batshit crazy and maybe even delusional?! I’ve never heard of anything like this before. Please tell me this is far outside the appropriate behavior for pooping. Especially at work. I gotta know your thoughts.”
This is far outside the realm of normal behavior. So far outside the realm of normal behavior that I think this might even classify as a power move, denoting an incredible amount of self-confidence.
Far from being afraid of others at work becoming aware of his behavior, this guy is essentially broadcasting his poop behavior. It’s almost like, in fact, that he’s advertising this behavior to you because he thinks you might spread it to others.
So he can become known around the office as the naked pooper.
And in this guy’s defense I do have to say this — if you have eccentric behaviors it’s often better to own and acknowledge them yourself rather than run and hide from them and allows other to define you by whispering about them behind your back.
After all, is it very strange to get completely naked when you poop at work? Yes. But it’s not like it’s criminal behavior. There’s nothing that prohibits it from happening.
Hell, there might even be a logic behind the behavior — does it keep your pants cleaner to keep them hung up on the back of the stall more than it does to let them drape on the ground at your feet? I can certainly see that argument.
In fact, this is really more about the shirt and tie coming off than anything else to me. I don’t see the need for the shirtless poop. (Which, of course, was made famous in Seinfeld). But I can see the need for the pantsless poop. (I’m assuming he keeps his shoes and socks on, right? If he’s sitting there barefoot in the bathroom, that’s harder to defend).
Interestingly, I’m reading a book about Winston Churchill right now and Churchill used to take two baths a day during World War II. During those baths he would bring in assistants and continue working with them just like he was sitting in his office at a desk.
And this is the man who beat Hitler and saved the world from the Third Reich!
Maybe there’s something to it after all then.
So rather than be afraid of the move here, I think you might need to become work allies with this guy. If he’s confident enough to poop naked in a bathroom at work, he may, in fact, be confident enough to end up CEO one day too.
Thanks for reading the anonymous mailbag.
As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com.
Now I’m back to following the craziness of the NFL quarterback drama.
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