Anonymous Mailbag

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It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday. (Actually Wednesday, but the mailbag initially went up on Facebook because the site has been down due to Hurriane Irma since noon on Monday).
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Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag. As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com
“So my dog and a neighbors dog HATE each other (she often has her dog off leash in my yard, which drives mine nuts), with mine being a larger Australian Shepherd and hers being a Maltese or some other small psuedo-dog. I live in Houston, and, as a result of Harvey, my gate on my yard was damaged (I wasn’t aware) and my dog got out and bit her dog, requiring a few stitches. I think normally in this situation you pay the vet bill, and fix your gate, and the situation more or less goes away written off as an unfortunate, but unavoidable accident.
 
So that’s what I offered her, but that is where the problem starts. She is a 65 year old widow and this dog is obviously her only company, so she is obsessed and this situation has made her hysterical. She called the police and animal control, who told her they couldn’t do anything about this besides log the incident in case something happens again.  This was not satisfactory, so she is now going around the neighborhood telling a very embellished version of what happened and basically just fear-mongering to try to turn them against me.  While I could care less if my neighbors like me, obviously they can make life painful if united against me, so I’d like to keep everything civil. So that’s why I am writing you, how would you handle this? Part of me thinks tucking my tail between my legs and being apologetic is the best damage control, and part of me wants to call this lady out for making a huge deal out of something that really isn’t. I worry with someone like this (think of her as a 65 year old snowflake), admitting guilt and being apologetic opens the door for additional problems.  The dog is no danger to anyone other than her little dog, and certainly wouldn’t hurt a person.
 
I know there are probably legal implications you would know a good deal about here, but my main focus is on the social damage control (or lack of if you think that’s the best route).  I feel like what I have offered to do to fix the situation is enough, and whatever i need to do to get everyone over it ASAP is in my best interest.”
Tough call here because you don’t want to encourage this old woman in her war against your dog, but at the same time you don’t want her to go all Kim Jong Un on you and unleash hordes of missiles in your direction, necessitating world war. I mean, think about this, do you really want to be engaged in a neighborhood battle over your dog with a 65 year old woman. She’s a retired widow. She can literally devote her entire life to this crusade.
So here’s what I think you do — in addition to paying for her damages you also offer to make a donation in her name to the Humane Society. I don’t know what your financial situation is, but you get a tax deduction on the thing and it might ameliorate her anger by making other animals safe.
But this is just going to paper over a wound.
The bigger play here, the one that changes everything, is you actually become this woman’s friend.
As you said this woman is an old widow and the dog is everything to her since her husband died. What does that mean? She’s very lonely. Her attachment isn’t really about the dog at all, it’s about having a connection to something outside herself. What do lonely people love? Company.
Here’s the deal, I have never met an old woman who doesn’t fucking love me. I am the king of grandma love. You know why? Because I’m pretty good at talking to people and listening to what they have to say and old people have heard all the bullshit so they can tell when someone is being honest. So why not occasionally stop by this old woman’s house and just win her over completely by being friendly?
You’re not married, right?
Talk with her about trying to find the right woman.
Boom.
There isn’t an old woman alive who isn’t fascinated with a young man’s decision on who he ends up dating or marrying. This is the like the entire canon of old women’s lives — who is the young good looking guy going to date or marry? Every show popular with old women is predicated on this entire concept. Soap operas, books, it’s all about who the young kid is picking to fall in love with.
I am convinced I could have your neighbor in love with me in ten minutes. You could probably do it too.
What’s more, think about this selfishly. Can you imagine what a pussy magnet you’ll be if you are friends with the old woman whose husband died next door?
HOLY FUCK.
You’ve got a pussy goldmine living right next door to you and you’re out here tilting at pussy windmills.
Don’t fight with this old woman, turn her into your own Jimmy Hart, grabbing a megaphone and clubbing all your foes for you.
“My female cousin is in her late 20’s and has found herself in a predicament that I think only a gay muslim could solve. She met a guy at a random restaurant in a large southeastern town. It’s not a big city but not a small hometown either. Her and this guy clicked while eating lunch at the bar of a restaurant and exchanged instagram information before he told her that he lives on the other side of the country. She also found out he was a bit younger than her. They parted ways but have remained in contact via calls and texts. 
 
Now when I say he is younger I mean he’s 19 and she’s 28. Where this gets even more interesting is he is the son of the owner of a team in one of the big 4 pro sports leagues. So we are talking about generational wealth that starts with a large B. She’s obviously concerned about the age gap being a problem but also feels a real connection to this guy, and he clearly feels the same. Should the wealth play a factor in attempting to pursue this? How could it not? Does it make it less creepy or socially acceptable? Is this another example of hot girl privilege? If the genders were reversed what would that mean? We need answers, Clay.” 
The wealth should certainly play a factor.
I think people who say, “She only married him for his money,” are being idiots. Women marry guys for all sorts of dumber reasons than money. Because he has a good job or because he has good hair or because the guy she really wanted to marry wouldn’t marry her. And that’s just my wife.
And these are all better reasons than like 99% of dudes, who are marrying their wives primarily because they are the hottest girls they could find to have sex with them. Seriously, take away two cup sizes and add fifty pounds to their brides and like 99% of all guys wouldn’t get married any more. Take away sex and there would be a 0% marriage rate in America.
The entire purpose of virtually all male achievement is to get a better spouse. Why do men go to med school or law school or run for president or build buildings? For the pussy. Hell, why did Neal Armstrong to to the moon? For the pussy.
If there was no competition for sex — that is, all men could have as much sex as they possibly want with an unending supply of attractive women — then we would still all live in caves.
Pussy is the most powerful motivator in human history. It is literally the reason why all human advancement exists.
So, of course, the richer you are the hotter of women you attract. That’s why guys want money.
Now back to your question, this is why I couldn’t be a chick because I would totally try and get pregnant by this guy if I were your cousin.
Look, you’re 28 years old and your other marriage options are probably going to be worse than this dude. You have a “connection” to this 19 year old. By which I mean you sat beside each other at a bar and exchanged Instagram accounts. You’re basically a modern day Romeo and Juliet except without the suicidal murders. No rich guy with options stays married to a woman nine years older than him that he meets when he’s 19. There’s a 0% chance of this marriage lasting.
This is like when Ashton Kutcher married Demi Moore. Then he got divorced and married Mila Kunis, who is twenty years younger than Demi Moore.
But this guy is 19 years old so he’s totally stupid and will definitely have unprotected sex with an older, hot woman and think you’re going to be married together forever.
There’s like a 100% chance of sex happening all the time if you want it to happen.
So I’d have unprotected sex with him and hope I got pregnant.
Because if you get pregnant two things happen:
1. He marries you, in which case you’re in line to inherit a pro sports team.
or
2. He refuses to marry you, but you have the baby and you are set for life.
Sure, you’re an unmarried mom in option two, but that’s insanely common now. There’s virtually no social judgment for this.
And if you date and have sex and never get pregnant and eventually break up, so what? I’m sure you’ve had sex with guys who are bigger losers.
I just don’t see how your cousin loses here.
“A few weeks ago we went over to our friend’s new house to watch the Mayweather/McGregor fight. At this point of the night, we are all pretty lit up as we had been day drinking for 6 prior hours. Our friend is giving some of the guys a tour of the house, pretty normal thing to do. Then he gets to his bedroom, the master bedroom. He points out that he has a bathroom that is connected to his bedroom. He then tells everyone that because the bathroom is so close to his bed, he jacks off in his bed, and then proceeds to get up pre-ejaculation, walk into the bathroom, and finish  IN THE TOILET. Now, I know everyone has different ways of doing their business, but our group of friends has come to the consensus that this is just an all time psychotic move. Are you on our side, or is this an efficient clean up method?”
This is the most psychotic masturbation move I have ever heard.
You can’t let this guy date anyone you know, no telling what else he is into.
Also, if you even think about standing up and jerking off into your toilet to avoid making a mess you are so psycho you can’t be trusted. Because no one with a normal brain even thinks about this move in the first place.
“My ex texts me or snapchat messages me every time (star NBA player) texts/calls/facetimes her. We haven’t dated or anything for 2-3 years now but she knows I’m a huge (NBA team) fan and every girl in (NBA city) right now is trying to throw down with any of the young guys. She’s always been way too hot for me and she works as a bartender and bottle girl at a few clubs around (NBA city) so I figured something like this was inevitable. 
 
She’s in a relationship now and there’s no way she shows her boyfriend what she shows me from (player). 
 
My questions:
 
1. Is this the ultimate trump card to winning a break up, being a 5’8 white dude with a job in advertising I’m not quite the catch an NBA star is to put it lightly, there’s no equivalent of a girl I could hook up with to even that out. 2. When watching (NBA team) this year am I a proud eskimo brother and own it? 3. What is the statute of limitations on ever going back to try to hookup with her after she’s been with a basketball player knowing I will NEVER be able to bring that to the table. 4. Should I tell the new boyfriend anything about this?”
You definitely don’t tell the new boyfriend, but I think he’s in the roughest position here.
Aside from falling into his girlfriend’s vagina the next time he has sex with her, I don’t know how he finds out about this relationship and maintains his sanity if he’s a fan of this team. Because how in the world does he recover if an athlete on his favorite team banged his girlfriend? This is how most guys get over break ups, by drowning in sports. His friends can’t even mention this team in his presence.
This is why I’ve always thought the guy in the worst position in the Bobby Petrino mistress affair story wasn’t Petrino at all, it was the guy whose fiancee Bobby Petrino was banging. She killed his fandom and cheated on him in one fell swoop.
That’s brutal, like driving over you in a car and then lighting you on fire immediately after.
I gotta tell you, I think who your significant other has an affair with in a story like this matters. For instance, Justin Timberlake lives down the road from me. If my wife came home one day and confessed she messed up and banged Justin Timberlake, I wouldn’t even be that upset. I’d be like, I totally get that. Just like if one day Charlotte McKinney, the girl whose picture is up above, just decided she wanted to bang me, I’d think my wife would have to be okay with it.
But if my wife came home one day and confessed she banged a valet at Chili’s? We’re done, marriage is over. I can’t deal with that. If you’ll bang the Chili’s valet you will literally bang anyone, I can’t trust you any more.
It was like when Arnold Schwartzneggar got caught banging his ugly ass maid. If he’d been banging Sharon Stone, his wife is probably fine with it, but if he’s going to bang the maid, you’re done.
No way I could marry a girl Bobby Petrino just banged.
Kliff Kingsbury, maybe.
Tom Brady, certainly.
But Bobby Fucking Petrino? This relationship is over.
That dude still married that girl. Maybe that’s true love, I don’t know. But I love college football too much to worry about Louisville making the playoff and having to watch the old dude my wife banged on TV.
So, yeah, I think you should definitely be impressed with your connection to this NBA player. (Whose name I removed in case he has a girlfriend or wife.)
Also, one of my favorite stories from college. Monica Lewinsky was hooking up with a random George Washington college student around the time she had her affair with Bill Clinton. So this guy was literally banging the same girl as the president. Can you imagine being in a college love triangle with the president, his mistress, and you?!
Think about your average college kid’s life compared to the president’s.
On some nights he’s taking Monica out to a frat party and on other nights she’s sucking the president’s dick in the Oval Office.
This is even funnier in a modern cell phone era when the president is contacting you for a late night booty call at the same time as the random college kid.
Also, how did Bill Clinton not get HIV or at least herpes? And how come Magic Johnson and Tommy Morrison are the only athletes to ever get HIV? You’ve got athletes throwing their dicks around everywhere, Antonio Cromartie has 14 kids, 14!, and none of them get HIV? It just seems statistically improbable for it to only be Magic and Tommy Morrison.
 

“My wife’s best friend was over at our house for a weekend stay, she was looking for finger nail clippers so my wife sent her into our bedroom to get some from the night stand. 

While she was in there, she must have seen that I had magnum condoms in the drawer, since that day, she has been very flirty, even sending me somewhat dirty Snapchats.
I think she has also told some of the other women in our group of friends, now my question for you, do I tell my wife about her excess flirting and advances, or do I let my group of friends think I’m the Steve McNair of the group?”
If people think you have a gigantic penis — true or not — you do nothing to disabuse them of that notion.
I’d avoid responding to the flirty texts, but I probably wouldn’t create the drama of telling your wife about them.
Speaking of Steve McNair, most cruel aspect of his relationship with the girl who killed him? (Aside from the actual murder). That girl’s ex-boyfriend was a manager at a Nashville White Castle. And the chick brought McNair to the White Castle to taunt him about her new boyfriend.
Holy fuck, that is such a savage move. So savage that it’s the kind of move that only a crazy chick who was going to murder her boyfriend and then kill herself too could even think to pull off.
This poor bastard is working at White Castle and his bitch ass ex-girlfriend brought in her new boyfriend, the most famous athlete in the city who is renowned for having the most gigantic dick in NFL history, to taunt you while you work at your fast food job? That’s like spiking the football when you’re already up 77-0.
Also, how does Steve McNair not break up with that chick right then and there? You know you’re banging the wrong girl when you’re a borderline NFL hall of fame quarterback and you’re following up a White House manager in the boyfriend line up.
That had to be the only dude in the city of Nashville who did a Jeff Fisher style fist pump when he heard about the murder-suicide.
I don’t blame him either.
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
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