Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

As always the anonymous mailbag is brought to you by The Home Loan Expert. If you have a mortgage rate in the 4’s and want to get one in the 2’s, go to their website today and tell them Clay Travis or Outkick sent you. Because if you tell them I sent you and you get a new mortgage with The Home Loan Expert you get a free year’s Outkick VIP subscription.

Outkick and The Home Loan Expert are also on the road this fall hanging out at tailgates. The crew will be at Georgia this weekend and then here in Nashville in a couple of weeks for Mizzou-Vandy. Here is their video with Auburn fans.

Okay, on to the anonymous mailbag.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to, anonymity guaranteed.

“I don’t think I fully appreciated the epidemic that is dick pics from guys. I was in a relationship for a few years and this is my first time being single since Snapchat and dick pics really took off.
I just want to understand the thought process. When a guy sends an unannounced, unexpected dick pic, what is he hoping for?
Based on the time of day that I receive them, it’s clear many were taken previously. Do all guys have pictures of their penises on their iPhone camera roll ready on call? If he’s trying to show off his dick, doesn’t he realize that most women have seen enough dicks in their life to know that most look the same and it’s a lot more about how he uses it than how it looks? Plus they all look tiny on an iPhone screen.
I’ve asked many of my female friends and they all basically have the same questions. If I’m dating a guy and I’ve seen his penis a bunch of times before, I could maybe understand the dick pic. But if we just met, I give you my info, and the next afternoon dick pics show up on my phone… me understand what he is hoping to happen.
I’d ask guys these questions but I fully expect that by asking about dick pics, I will then receive dick pics.
Lastly, a theory. Have there been more pictures taken of penises in 2017 than the rest of human history combined? I think the answer is yes.
Looking forward to your thoughts and any comments from readers/listeners.”

Men send dick pics to women because men think women think like men when it comes to sex.

This is not true, but most men won’t really realize this until they get married. See, up until marriage everyone is running trick plays, women are trying to convince men that they like sex as much as men. And many men have bought into the idea that women want sex as much as men because the media is out here selling the idea that biology is an artificial construct and men and women are really the exact same.

And I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit.


Your average man wants to have sex way more than your average woman does. That’s because men are like machine guns and women are like targeted missile strikes. Women have a limited number of eggs that can be fertilized in their life so they tend to be selective in their sex partners whereas men are just running around pulling the trigger in every direction imaginable, just firing bullets everywhere. (Sure, there are exceptions to this rule, but arguing otherwise is like pointing to the fastest woman and saying, “See, women are as fast as men when it comes to running!” Some women have higher sex drives than some men, but they are statistical aberrations, just like women who are faster than men are.)

So back to dick pics.

There has never been a man alive who has received a naked picture of a woman he’s attracted to and hasn’t loved it. So men think women react to our penises in the same way. Men believe they are giving a dick pic gift and that, and this is the real goal, a woman will be obliged to respond with a naked picture in kind.

A gift receives a return gift.

The number of women out there whose brains immediately think, “Well, he sent me a picture of his dick, I’ve got to send him something,” is absolutely enormous.

The important thing here is that men honestly think women like dick pics.

So they’re just constantly throwing out dick pic hail marys.

Now some women do like dick pics, but they’re a small minority of a female population. There’s a reason for instance, that PlayGirl was never popular and Playboy defined a generation. And it’s not because of cultural constructs. It’s because women’s pornography is typically written — think 50 Shades of Grey or all those bodice ripping romance books — and men’s pornography is typically visual.

Why do you think women buy lingerie and men don’t?

It’s because men enjoy looking at women in sexy lingerie. There’s not a male Victoria’s Secret for a reason, because no woman wants to see a man in lacy underthings. Imagine if men starting wearing penis silken penis covers to bed and women had to untie the strings crossed on their backs to take them off. Or if men posed in bed suggestively in fishnet and hosiery.

It’s fucking ridiculous, right?

Now you’d think somewhere between taking dick self pics — scrutinizing these pics on their phones to see whether they look good and then deleting them until they get the right angle that makes your dick look huge — and sending them to women they don’t know very well, that men would realize how ridiculous — pun intended — the dick hail mary is, but they never do.

That’s because when it comes to sex men are stupid.

Even truly brilliant men are stupid when it comes to sex. (Albert Einstein and Martin Luther King, Jr. were both total poonhounds. Just banging everything that walked).

I missed the dick pic era, but the answer is, yes, most guys have a favorite dick pic stored somewhere that they can toss out when necessary and that I think you’re right, there are probably more penises being photographed in 2017 than throughout human history.

The good news for women is that while single life favors men — it has never been easier to have no strings attached sex with multiple women — married life completely favors women. So my advice to guys is don’t get married. And my advice to women is, get them to marry you.

Good luck.

“My wife and I have a 3-year-old girl who (surprise) is attached to whatever cartoon we put on TV.  A few months ago, we introduced her to Moana.

Now I can already see the figurative gears turning in your head as to where this is going, but long story short, she wants to dress up as Moana for Halloween.  Since we want to make the holiday more fun for her, my wife is dressing up as Te’ Fiti and I get to dress up as Dwayne Johnson, whoops, Maui (sorry, I got confused since The Rock basically plays himself in that movie).
Naturally, we went looking for a Maui costume, but were devastated to find that Disney pulled it because of “brownfacing“.  Who knew that dressing up as a cartoon character with moving tattoos was offensive to real people or that “brownfacing” was a word? We then tried to find a Moana costume, but found out that was racist too.
We’ve settled on letting our kid dress up as Moana despite being offensive to (maybe) three people.  Obviously, this invites the risk of us raising a racist kid which we don’t want to do.  My wife will still be Te’ Fiti which seems OK since the anime fans haven’t started whining about culturally appropriating green hair.  I’m still going to be Maui, but without the assistance of the official Disney costume, my wife has decided to draw the tattoos on a brown shirt.  Note that we’re accepting that the bad drawing will still be cultural appropriation, but doing a poor job of it.  I think that might be worse.  However, this is where we need the wisdom of the gay, black, transgender, Muslim who might be 1/64th Polynesian with an amazing fashion sense. How brown a shirt should I get for this?  I figure it needs to be brown enough to pass for Polynesian, but not brown enough to allow a “brownface” accusation.  Is there a pallet you recommend?  I know you don’t have to deal with this because you’ve adopted all the required races as your own, but you need to appreciate the seriousness of my dilemma.  Since I’m a white, Jewish, male, the only person I can dress up as who’s in the news these days is Harvey Weinstein.”
My middle son is dressing up as a zombie Halloween football player and I told my wife to make sure she bought a former white Alabama player’s jersey and didn’t make his zombie face too dark so people wouldn’t accuse him of going as a Bama football player in blackface.
My son’s favorite player is Bo Scarborough and this does raise some intriguing parenting questions — is every generation now obligated to tell younger generations about racist acts from centuries before they were born? Because unless you’re an incredible racist no one’s kid has any idea blackface ever existed.
I think most kids wouldn’t see any difference in putting on a green face paint to go as Yoda and black face paint to go as their favorite athlete.
So, anyway, I had to think about this too. Here are my kids costumes for this year.

Personally I’d go khaki on the brown shirt. That’s clearly brown, but it’s not too brown, more of a mocha.
And can we please get back to the era when people — especially kids — could just fucking dress up on Halloween without everyone obsessing over the appropriateness of the goddamn costume?
The entire point of American life is to culturally appropriate things that are positive. Such as coffee, democracy, salsa, and breast implants. Everything is stolen from somewhere else and then perfected here. And Halloween is a holiday predicated on the concept of being something that you’re not. So be something that you’re not and if someone’s costume upsets you, just chill the fuck out and realize that you’re obsessing over a costume.
We have absolutely, positively got to stop rewarding people for being offended.
It is turning our country into a nation of pussies.

“I got a problem I’m hoping you can help me with.  19 months ago, my wife and I had our first child.  Minus some sleepless nights, it’s been an amazing experience.  The little guy does not like to sit still, so as soon as he started to roll over, it made changing his diapers a real hassle.  That was until we had the bright idea of queuing up YouTube on our phones to play him nursery rhymes with animated videos.  He becomes enthralled with it and will lay quietly while we do what needs to be done.  My wife stays home with our child and has admitted to me that she’ll give him the phone at times if she needs a 5-10 minute break.  No big deal.  The only time the TV comes on when he’s awake is for morning and evening local news and some of those children’s programs you find on PBS.  I’ll also put the TV on in the background during college football.  He’ll stop and watch TV but you can easily distract him to go back to playing with his toys or read a book with him.

Anyway, out of the blue on Saturday, while she’s changing his diaper she tells me that he watches too much TV and we need to stop for his benefit.  She tells me this 30 minutes prior to the kickoff of the Ohio State/Penn State game.  I was a little upset, but what can I say at this point?  Isn’t the cat out of the bag at this point?  Is it really better for him if we cut down on the TV around him?  I’d really like to continue watching college football, but obviously spending time with my son and his well-being are more important to me.  Do I have any argument that I can make that can get me back to where I was, with the game on in the background while we play with his toys and read books together?”

I get the idea that kids are not supposed to see TV for the first several years of their life, but, frankly, they all do and anyone who argues their kid doesn’t is full of shit. Sometimes a parent needs a break and those devices can get a screaming baby to stop being a screaming baby.

Calming a parent down in this situations is likely to help the baby more than seeing a screen will harm him.

Plus, your wife deciding to drop this on you right before a big football game seems like a passive aggressive move borne out of anger over something else more than it’s about protecting your child from the TV. Is a baby watching a game really going to scar him for life or stunt his intellectual development?

So putting on a game while you play with a kid is perfectly acceptable behavior.

Having said that, one regret I do have is I think we got our two boys iPads at too young of ages. My nine and seven year old’s absolutely love their iPads and I definitely think it would have been helpful to have restricted their access to these devices for a longer period of time. But then, you know, I also think there’s value in learning how to be so technologically astute that they use these devices like second nature so I’m torn on that too.

I know that thanks to nostalgia everyone feels like the time frame they grew up in is the best, but I really do feel like that for people around my own age. They’re calling us the xennials now because we were born between 1977 and 1983. If you’re this age you’re too old to really be members of the millennial generation but too young to be members of Generation X. So we’re kind of squarely wedged in there between the two big generations. Xennials are technologically astute like the millennials, but we also grew up without the Internet or cell phones embedded in every fabric of our life like Generation X.

I think that description definitely fits me — I didn’t have the Internet at home in high school and got my first email address when I got to college. I got my first cell phone when I started law school. That means I became an adult without technology being omnipresent in my life.

So instead of, say, coming home from high school and sending a billion SnapChats and texts to my friends, I actually read books and my brain developed without constant technological stimuli. But I’m also fairly adept at using social media because social media became popular before I was too old.

One thing I try to do — poorly — is withdraw from social media for a few hours a day and allow my brain to deeply think.

I’ve started to do this because I think we don’t notice how addicted we can become to our devices. An eye-opening moment for me is that my two year old, when he wants to play with me, will say, “Put your phone away, daddy.”

He can see that my attention is distracted on my phone even when I think I’m engaged and paying attention to him.

So I’ll put my phone out of reach.

The same is true when I write. I turn my phone on silent, flip it over, and don’t check it while I work on articles or write the new book. (I also don’t have notifications set up on my phone so the only thing that pops up on my screen are text messages or phone calls.)

Ultimately I think every parent has to decide how to introduce technology to his or her kids, but what I have always tried to focus on is this — kids in America have less dangers and more advantages than 99.9% of all kids born throughout history. If our biggest threat is that our kids are going to watch too much “Paw Patrol,” I think that’s a risk I’m willing to take given that just 100 years ago we would have all been terrified about whether our kids would even live to be toddlers.

Plus, you know what, your kids genes are going to have a ton more to do with how smart they are than whether or not they watch TV. If you’re worried about your son or daughter’s intellectual development just hope they didn’t get the dumb genes in your family.

“I’m a 30 year old dude who lives with girlfriend of 2 years. My girlfriend thinks it’s acceptable for her to have access (my passcode) to my cell phone. I used to have no problem with this because I don’t have anything to hide. Now for the back story: she has snuck around and went though my phone previous times when I was in the shower or sleeping and would be triggered by what she read between me and my buddies. Conversations talking about dude stuff.

She would read things out of context and make up her own assumption.  After about four arguments about this I decided to solve the problem and change my password. She brings it to my attention that I changed my passcode. I admit yes I did. I tell her I only did this as a solution to the problem that causes fights. She proceeds to tell me that it is normal and that everyone she knows goes through their husband or boyfriend’s cell phone. She continues to ask for it and hint that I should tell her my passcode. How do I handle this?”

I don’t have a passcode on my phone, but that’s because I don’t want to have to enter it a billion times a day.

Your girlfriend is wrong, it certainly isn’t normal for one person to go through the other person’s cell phone all day long. Especially when, as is this case here, she was reading your texts with your guy friends and getting upset about what you guys were saying to each other.

Context is key and here there is no context that she’s bringing to the conversation.

You don’t mention it at all, but do you go through her phone all day long and find things you disagree with too? If not, why should she?

Keep the passcode on your phone and if necessary, find a new girlfriend.

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