Anonymous Mailbag

It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday and, as always, you can send your own anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

The anonymous mailbag is brought to you by The Home Loan Expert. If you need to save some money with the holidays rapidly approaching — and given the costs of presents and travel, who doesn’t? — now’s the perfect time to get a new mortgage refinanced or prequalify for a great new rate. Plus, if you contact them and mention me or Outkick you get a year’s free VIP membership.

Our Outkick tailgate crew is traveling around the SEC, they’ll be at Ole Miss this weekend and they were at Athens last weekend. Enjoy the video of their fun there.

In the meantime, here’s some great Tuesday morning inspiration for you — be a helicopter dick not a mosquito dick.

“I’m a 27 year old guy who has a great job making good money. I’ve been dating a girl for a while and I can see myself being with her long term. But something came up that has made me wonder if I need to end it on the spot. She doesn’t like football (or sports) at all. Which is fine with me, let me watch the Hogs lose on my own while you do whatever.

But she is 100% dead set on her kids not playing football. I’m talking won’t even consider it. She says it’s too dangerous.

I grew up playing, and even played in college at a small school. Some of my best memories with my dad (who is a former high school coach) are of him ripping my ass in our back yard for not being focused on our workout. Or of him running routes for me at 7am before I’d go to school. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. It kills me to think of not sharing that with my son. Not only that, imagine how big of a loser this kid will be at school when all his friends are playing football and he can’t because him Mom won’t let him. Is it crazy to think it won’t work out because of this?”

You’re thinking way too far ahead here about a potential conflict. First, you might have all daughters, second, your sperm might not work and you might never have kids. Third, I don’t think there are very many moms who wouldn’t allow their sons to play football if the sons really argue in favor of it come high school.

I think what you do is compromise for now and agree that you think it doesn’t make sense for kids to play football until high school, but that you think flag football is cool.

I could be wrong, but I think the number of moms who legitimately stop their sons from playing high school football is pretty small.

She’s talking a big game now, but odds are she won’t be able to say no to any (future) son she might have who is begging her to play football in high school. The way you need to think about it is this — this isn’t an argument between you and her, this is an argument between her and a potential future son (who wants to play football). There’s like a 10% chance this becomes an issue one day.

At best.

So don’t break up with her over this if you truly like her otherwise.

(Final thought: what happens if one parent is fine with a kid playing football and the other one isn’t and neither side will budge? The kid gets to play football, right? Both parents don’t have to consent, do they? What if the couple gets divorced over this? This has to have happened before, right? Couldn’t the kid just choose his own guardian and pick the one who would let him play football? I need more info on this.)

“I’ve recently started a job where I travel a lot. I’ve discovered that jacking off in a hotel bed is much more pleasurable than at my home bed. I’m a fan of not having to feel rushed that my wife could be home from the grocery store any moment. Is this normal? If it’s not, I don’t want to be normal. Because it’s awesome.”

The two best things about hotel rooms are jerking off and black out curtains.

Seriously, when our kids were really young and I was traveling to Los Angeles every weekend, the best part of my trip was when I could pulled the black out curtains together and just pass out in the bed. No kids waking me up at dawn, no issues anywhere, just blessed silence.

The second best part of the trip was jerking off and not having to worry about anyone else coming into the room. This is not scientific, but I’m confident the average jerk off rate for men in hotel rooms is 500% higher than men in normal homes.

I can’t even imagine what it must have been like in the 1980’s for guys out on the road traveling who got to turn on porno movies in the hotel rooms.

I would watch a 30 for 30 on Spectravision and the amount of money that company made back in the day. Just an incredible story.

Nowadays we all have instant access to porn with our phones and laptops, but can you imagine the jerk off excitement that men in the 1980’s used to have when they got to their hotel rooms and could scroll around and pick a movie? You got that remote in your hand and it was like being at the best buffet ever, you’re scrolling through all the offerings, reading the descriptions, thinking to yourself, “Do I want horny housewives today or sorority sexcapades? Do I want to try out some first timers or do I want old school pros? What about the takeoff on the popular movie? Or just the girl who is so smoking hot you don’t even care about anything else?”

I wrote about this in “Dixieland Delight,” but we used to have a kids hotel room when we’d go up to Tennessee games when I was like 10 or 11 years old and Spectravision had five minute free previews and we’d set up a timer and watch all the free previews before the charge to the room happened.

Five minute free previews was incredible.

Because who out there has ever watched a full porno movie? I’m much more scared of the guy who watches a full porno movie than I am the guy who jerks off in three minutes like a normal human being.

Like if you had me design questions I could ask for future dating partners of some of your daughters, answering yes to “have you ever watched a full porno movie,” would be an immediate end to the possibility of ever dating this guy.

There was a point in time where the single most profitable thing Marriott did was rent adult movies. Think about that, the entire company builds hotels as a business and the most profitable thing they did was get guys to jerk off to adult movies.

Just uncanny.

“I can’t believe I have to request anonymity for this, but I might get fired if someone found out about this question: I’m watching the Auburn-TAMU game and the lady that’s doing the play by play, Beth Mowins, well she sucks. Most of her comments are fluff. She doesn’t seem to know the names of players. And in general, her voice annoys me something fierce. Most of all, I can’t shake the feeling that she got the job because she’s a female, not because she deserved it (I could totally be wrong and she might have paid her dues; I have no way of knowing). I’m not a gender discriminator, but based on ESPN’s past actions, my feeling about her not earning the job seems more and more plausible. Thoughts oh wise one?”

I think Beth Mowins is awful and it has nothing to do with her being a woman.

Her voice is grating to me and detracts from my enjoyment of the game, which is the exact thing that an announcer shouldn’t be doing.

And I definitely think ESPN oversells her because she’s a woman. That’s why I believe she got the second Monday Night Football game. You can’t tell me she’s the second best football announcer ESPN employs, not even close. Nope, MSESPN wanted to make news by having her call the game. So they put that crappy crew together of her, Rex Ryan and that Sergio Dipp dude who could barely speak English.

And it was a disaster. Everyone was bad on that crew. Plus, it wasn’t like Rex Ryan was making things easier on Beth Mowins either, he also sucked, even worse than she did. But neither of them was as bad as Sergio Dipp, who managed to give the worst sideline report in the history of the NFL and then ESPN put him in a bunker after making him release an awkward hostage video where he referenced 9/11 in his apology. I’m not sure he’s been seen since.

Frankly, I’m not even sure he’s still alive, ESPN might have killed him.

I don’t know what it is about Beth Mowins’s voice, but it’s like she’s trying not to sound like her voice should actually sound and it drives me crazy when I’m listening. She’s probably a fantastic person and I don’t know her personally at all, but that voice is an announcer’s calling card and hers takes me out of the game.

That happens with male announcers sometimes too. For instance, I don’t enjoy Sean McDonough for the same reason. His voice just takes me out of the game. It’s like he’s trying to do voice performance art instead of calling a football game. And I thought Andre Ware on the SEC Network and the three Daves on JP broadcasts set back broadcasting like five decades every time they did a game.

Andre Ware won a Heisman trophy, but when he called a football game he somehow managed to sound like the least informed dude you ever had to sit next to at an airport bar. I’ve never played a football game that matters and somehow I can talk about football better than Andre Ware.

It makes zero sense.

This would be like if Andre Ware showed up at the Supreme Court and just absolutely dunked on me arguing about due process.

I think I’m pretty easy going in general on announcers, but all of these guys drive me crazy.

But I have to be honest when I put on the ESPN college football game and it’s Beth Mowins I legitimately think, “Fuck, it’s Beth Mowins doing this game.” And then I typically put the broadcast on mute or go find another game. And I don’t think this way about anyone else.

Then I always think, I’m not even allowed to think I don’t like Beth Mowins because she’s a woman and maybe I’m being sexist here.

But why should you be protected — or rewarded — in your job just because of your sex, your race, your religion or your sexuality? That’s stupid. Everyone should be critiqued the exact same way.

The best line anyone sent me about Robert Lee being pulled off the Virginia game because of sharing a name with Robert E. Lee was the guy who Tweeted me, “I wish Beth Mowins had been a Confederate general too.”

I legitimately spit my drink out when I read that Tweet.

And I know there are tons of other people in media who agree with me and are afraid to say they don’t like Beth Mowins calling games because they’ll get called sexist if they say a woman isn’t good at her job. But for better or worse I put Beth Mowins on blast just like I would a dude if I didn’t think they were good at their job either.

That’s the fairest I can be, be a total asshole to everyone regardless of their race, sex, gender or who they like to bang.

It’s why people love me.

Put simply, Beth Mowins is not good at her job.

What’s more, I actually tried to listen to the broadcast of Auburn-Texas A&M as I was flipping around the games last weekend and her color guy, Anthony Becht, was so clueless that he actually guessed Auburn as the last team from the SEC to win the SEC East.

And then Beth Mowins didn’t correct him, which made both of them look and sound dumb.

Here’s that cringeworthy moment from the broadcast.

If I were in the SEC office and went back and watched and listened to this broadcast, I don’t see how they could like the presentation of the game from these two.

They just weren’t good at all and it was a big game that deserved a competent duo.

But the leagues are handcuffed here too. Because can you imagine the social media outrage if it got out that a college football conference commissioner had requested that Beth Mowins not do their games? It would be like World War III on social media.

It wouldn’t end until the conference commissioner kissed Beth Mowins’s feet while wearing a pussy hat and an “I’m with her,” tshirt.

My standard is pretty simple, if your job is to call a football game for a living you should be better than I would be from my living room. And I’m 100% confident the average SEC fan would have rather heard me call Auburn-Texas A&M at 11 am central in my boxer shorts from my living room, hung over and with a raspy ass voice from being out drinking Friday night, than either Mowins or Becht.

Look, I’m not saying you have to be an expert on every player on the field, but shouldn’t you at least know what the division standings are when you’re calling this game FEATURING TWO TEAMS IN THE SAME DIVISION? Particularly because I would say the top reason Auburn needed to beat Texas A&M was so that it could stay in the running for the SEC West title. That is, to make the games against Georgia and Alabama both relevant. And the top reason Kevin Sumlin needed to beat Auburn was so he could get a win against an SEC West opponent.

Not to mention that AUBURN AND TEXAS A&M PLAY EVERY YEAR.

If you call college football games for a living shouldn’t you have some knowledge of prior games between these two teams?

This is just basic knowledge.

There’s no way that an SEC Network crew would have screwed up this bad. (I think the Jordan Rodgers, Tom Hart, and Cole Cubelic crew on SEC Saturday night, which is new this year, is pretty fantastic and would have, for instance, done a billion times better on this game than Mowins and Becht did. And Laura Rutledge is just outstanding in everything she does on the SEC Network too. If you put her in a booth to call a game alongside Paul Finebaum, for instance, the two of them would be far better than Mowins and Becht were. And, as an added bonus, they’d know which division Auburn was in too.)

“I’m 35 years old and have been married for 5 years with a 10 month old baby. As you know pregnancy can put a damper on your marriage, especially in the bedroom. My wife and I recently separated and I started dating a much younger women than me. And I find myself choosing between the mother of my beautiful baby and a 23 year old med student. On one hand it’s my family and on the other it’s being a weekend dad with freedom/spectacular sex life during the week. What do you choose?”

Well, the first thing you need to realize is that at some point the fabulous sex life with the 23 year old med student would fizzle out to regular relationship sex and then it would become regular married sex. And you might start looking for someone new again then too.

Plus, this hot 23 year old med student might also think to herself, “Wait a minute, why am I dating a 35 year old married guy with a kid when I’m about to be a doctor and can find another dude myself?”

So what if she leaves you after you leave your wife and kid for her? Then you’d feel like a pretty stupid loser, wouldn’t you?

Also, at some point your kid is going to grow up and you’re going to have to explain to him how you got divorced from his mom before he or she was even a year old and that’s going to be a pretty big asshole move to explain away on your part.

So I think what you need to do is stick with the mom at least until the kid is three years old. Try to make it work for two more years with her.

DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE KIDS DURING THIS TIME.

If your kid is three years old and you still can’t make it work, you can get the divorce then.

It’s not like your life at 37 is going to be much different than your life at 25 and you will have made it through the three most important years of your child’s early development.

Just DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS WITH YOUR WIFE.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

 

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