Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for your day to be made perfect with the anonymous mailbag.

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Here we go with the anonymous mailbag, live from Washington, D.C. Stay tuned to Twitter for some potentially cool news coming from D.C. later today.

“So my girlfriend and I are flying to Vegas in a couple of weeks and wanted to bring her sex toy with us. We aren’t checking bags in, we will only have carry on luggage.  Well she is embarrassed by walking thru security with that in her bag and the TSA people smirking under their breath.  I told her I’m sure they see lots of crazy stuff. So she wanted me to ask you and said if you thought the percentage of people bringing sex toys with them on trips is high and that security sees this stuff all the time then it would make her feel better.”

I’ve never actually thought about it before, but they have to see a lot of sex toys in checked bags at TSA. So I don’t think this would be a big deal to them. Plus, we’re talking about TSA here, 90% of all weapons still make it through checked bag screenings, so there’s a high probability they’d never even notice a sex toy.

But I have two easy ways to solve this issue if she’s truly concerned and checking a bag isn’t an option:

1. Put the sex toy in your bag and separate when you go through security. So you go through one line and she goes through another line. That way if the TSA agent sees the sex toy he either thinks it’s another woman’s near you — you could strategically join a line with a woman right in front of you — or he thinks it’s yours. Who cares what he thinks? You’re the one traveling to Vegas with a girlfriend taking her sex toys. Joke’s on him.

And, again, chances are he’s not able to associate a bag with a particular person anyway.

2. Buy a new version of the sex toy and have it shipped to your hotel. Pick it up there, use it, and then throw it away before you return to your hometown.

How much can that possibly cost? A hundred bucks? That’s money will spent if it makes the trip more fun than it otherwise would be. And chances are every guy reading this right now has spent way more than $100 to increase his chances of sex.

Boom, problem solved.

“I’m at a Christmas party on Saturday night and I see a pretty cute girl talking to a few of my friends. I walk over and see that that she is on crutches and is wearing a hip brace. We start small talking and she says tells me that she injured herself working out and she “suffered the same injury as Isiah Thomas”. That was obviously an incredibly sexy comment, and I end up taking her home (good time but a a weird hookup, she was not very mobile). Here is where it gets interesting. I’m asking her about herself the next morning and she tells me that she had just recovered from breaking her back. Her second serious injury in less than a year. That’s pretty unlucky. So I end up finding her on Facebook later that day and notice that, pre-back injury, she is wearing a walking boot in almost every single picture for a year. A THIRD major injury! This girl is Blake Griffin. Completely injury prone. This is a major red flag, right? This girl was very cool, but the thought of this girl constantly being on the IR not very attractive to me. Do I ask her out? Is this a deal-breaker?”

So you’re out here dating Mr. Glass from “Unbreakable,” I just hope she’s not hell bent on destroying the world.

I think you need to figure out what’s going on here, what kind of workout was she doing that she broke her hip? And how did she break her back? It’s possible she’s had one major injury and all of these are connected because her body got unaligned. (Also, I have no idea what “her body got unaligned” actually means, but I’m confident that all your friends are going to make jokes about banging her back into alignment. I’m also confident this isn’t going to work.)

But I don’t think you can not date a girl because of her injury history, it’s not like you’re an NBA GM, I think you just have to play the odds that these are a series of freak accidents. Also, it’s not like you’re locking up to a long term contract, at this point she’s basically on your practice squad. So I see limited risk here so long as you wear a condom. You don’t want to produce the next Greg Oden.

“My best friend who was the best man at my wedding broke up with his girlfriend of four years because she wasn’t “the one.” That was basically his only reasoning, so he was pretty torn up because he loved her other than that.
I did at least what I thought was appropriate and backed him up saying stuff like “she sucked” and “you could do better” and topped it off with “I was never a huge fan of her anyway because she didn’t really add much to a conversation.”
Fast forward two months and they are back together. My buddy basically repeated what I told him about her to her verbatim. Now she doesn’t like me (and I can’t blame her) and my buddy won’t hang out with me anymore. When we do text/talk it’s very short, one word answers.
What’s the play here? I think I lost a friend (at least until they break up again). I tried to explain that I was just trying to console him, but sounds like the damage is already done.”
This is completely on your buddy. Even if you thought she was the perfect girlfriend for him, you are obligated to try and make him feel better and support him when he breaks up with this girlfriend and say she’s awful.
This is like friendship 101, the moment your friend breaks up with a guy or girl you immediately talk down the guy or girl and say he or she’s better of anyway. Even if it’s a lie, that’s just what friends do.
The fact that your friend shared what you said with his girlfriend when they got back together again is on him, not you. And also, frankly, makes me think your friend is a total pussy.
If you want to make a hail mary attempt to save things — in the event they get married and are together forever — I think you call up the girlfriend and say your buddy was so depressed when they broke up that you didn’t know anything else to say. Tell her you lied to make him feel better about the decision, think she’s a great match for him, and apologize for anything you said that might make her feel bad because none of it was true.
Good luck.

“I am in need of advice. I am a divorced dad of two kids, and this Christmas is my first holiday on my own with them so I have bought a Christmas tree. But I have no fucking clue how it should be decorated in the manner of a 44 year old bachelor.   

Now, one of the ladies I’ve been seeing broke out all these pics on Pinterest for suggestions, but I’m not a gay dude looking to win any Martha Stewart awards.

Although a beer can tree, garlands of fishnet hose and bras appeals to me, I’m thinking my kids won’t appreciate it. So what should I do?

I’m an Aggie, so the whole maroon and white theme is appealing along with sports ornaments, and maybe some Star Wars and Marvel figures as well, but I want it to be funny and unique.

Ideas? I want my kids to be happy but also impress any female guests as well without coming off like a nerd.”

I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I’d take them out to by new Christmas tree ornaments of their choice. Give them a budget and tell them the tree is theirs to do with as they see fit.

Chances are the kids probably feel a bit dislocated having to spend Christmas at two different places so I think this will alleviate those concerns they might have. Plus, you’re a grown ass man, what the fuck do you care what a Christmas tree looks like anyway?

Every woman that sees your tree — filled with ornaments selected by your children — will consider you to be an awesome dad for making this decision, meaning they are probably more likely to sleep with you, which, let’s be honest, is all you’re concerned about anyway.

“I really – REALLY – need your help understanding something from a fathers perspective.  

I have been dating a man for over a year now and we both agree that it’s a long term thing.  I’m 36 and he’s 45.  We don’t live together but I spend around 5 to 6 nights a week at his house. He has a 10 year old son and I don’t have kids. 
Up to this point he has not let me meet his son.  And not just having a conversation about maybe it’s too soon or anything like that.  He actively hides our relationship from him.  For example, on nights that his son stays over at this house he won’t call me.  He will send me a text but that’s it.  He won’t answer if I call.  They went on a boys trip earlier in the year and he did not call me or answer my calls for 5 days because he said there was no way to have any privacy.  He doesn’t have pictures of me in his house and won’t let me keep anything there.  His explanation is that he wants to set a positive example for his son and that includes not introducing him to women he dates.  But after this much time together, he has assured me I’m not just “someone he dates.”  I really want to meet his son and be a part of both of their lives.  I love this man. I can’t think of anything that would make me a danger to his son. I try to be a good person and honestly, I think I succeed at that. 
So that’s the set up.  What am I missing here?  Something feels off but I’m not a parent and am trying to be respectful of their relationship.  I have dated men with children in the past and I know it’s a big deal to bring in a stranger but a year or more seems like a really long time to hide the girlfriend.
What do you think?”
My best guess here is that the ten year old believes his dad and mom are going to get back together again and the dad is keeping this artificial possibility alive by not letting his son know that dad has moved on and has a new girlfriend.
Aside from being dishonest with the kid, here’s the real problem, if you guys do end up engaged one day, is he just going to spring it on the kid out of nowhere? If so, this kid may unfairly blame you for his parents not getting back together again and resent you for several years.
Of course, the other possibility is that the dad just doesn’t see you as a long range part of his plans and, while he may be telling you that he does, not introducing you to his kid is sending the opposite message. If he wants to commit to you long time at some point this kid will become a part of your life too. You need to meet him.
Now I totally understand not wanting to expose his son to a rotating list of women that his dad dates, but I think a year is plenty of time to solve this dilemma. Especially when you’re sleeping over as often as you are. You should be introduced to the kid and it’s strange and a bit suspicious that he hasn’t done so already.
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