Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag. Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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Okay, on to the mailbag.

“Last week I pulled the classic move of having to use the restroom when it was time to clean up the dinner mess.  So I grabbed my ear buds and went into the master bathroom for a moment of solace and while I was there I decided to jerk off.
This obviously isn’t my first rodeo so I cleaned up my mess and went back out into the chaos.  About an hour later my wife comes out of the shower with a look of disgust on her face because someone “sneezed” on her bath towel and she hadn’t realized until it was too late and she got “snot” in her hair.  
Clearly there was a stray bullet I hadn’t accounted for.  Being a father of 10 years I played it cool by blaming it on one of the kids.  Kids are gross and act like drunk midgets anyway so she didn’t question the incident any further.
Was this the right move?  How would you have handled it?”
Given the choice between admitting to your wife that you skipped out on cleaning up after dinner to jerk off in the bathroom and then jerked off into the towel that she used to dry off after her shower or blaming your young kids, I think you have to go blame the kids here.
The only way I can see this going bad for you is if this has been a continual issue and the kids got severe punishment for this. (I mean if the kids have been legitimately using her towel to blow their noses — that’s legitimately, not as an excuse to cover your secret bathroom jerk offs — and she lost her mind over their refusing to listen to her and they had nothing to do with it this time and got severely punished for something they didn’t do.)
Then I think you’d be obligated to argue for a lesser punishment for them or cancel out whatever punishment she levies with a dad reward that more than cancels out that punishment since it was your fault.
Otherwise, you saved yourself the best you could here.
Although, to be honest, jerking off with ear buds in seems much more psycho than just turning the volume down very low.
“Within six weeks in the same shower stall at the same YMCA, I discovered that some animal had shit in the shower. Both times directly on the drain, both times left undisturbed by the shitter and other patrons. I have a culprit narrowed down in my mind, but my question is: if guilt is established and an assault ensued, would any jury in America find you guilty for beating up a public shower shitter? I will only use the open, public, fully visible community shower area now because this incident made me wonder what other nefarious activities are happening behind the gym shower door.”
Think about the diabolical nature of someone who would shit in a public shower and then leave it there at the drain. I have zero doubt this person is guilty of extreme wrongdoing in other facets of life because this is just behavior that’s totally unacceptable in a reasonable society.
I think you have to narc on the shower shitter and get him banned from the gym.

“So I recently been binge watching Billions – which is a great show but not the point of this email. But it did spark this train of thought.

One of the main characters played by Paul Giamatti is secretly into that BDSM shit, the whole whips and chains excite me, dominate me type of deal. My sex life hasn’t reach that prowess and probably never will, so when I say I know maybe 5% what that whole thing is all about that may be an overstatement. But if I haven’t lost you yet, my question is – how could any guy in 2017 engage with a woman in this in good conscience? In such a hypersensitive “sexual assault” culture – a woman gets pissed off, goes to the police, shows the marks or whatever, and cries this guy is a sick fuck, sexual assault and lets throw the whole book at him. How could the guy prove consent to these things? I mean proving consent to platonic sex is difficult enough let alone to something violent that potentially leaves some sort of physical marks. I mean I’m also sure the guy is buying all the whips, chains, ropes, whatever the hell they use (cause chivalry is not dead!) so the trail points to the guy having the connection to the lifestyle or just being a sicko in the public’s view. You can’t have a legally enforceable contract for sex (but maybe it would be decent evidence on your behalf?), is that how this works?”

I don’t think we’re far away from someone creating an app for a phone that records women — and men — consenting to sexual activity. The premise of that app would be that it will only ever be accessed in the event of a Title IX investigation, an alleged sexual assault, or something of that nature which raises consent as an issue in a sexual encounter.

In my ideal world the two videos are recorded simultaneously and linked side by side in a sexual lockbox of sorts.

It’s basically a Snapchat lockbox for sexual consent. Each person pulls out their phone, the phone records like ten seconds of audio and video — just like Snapchat does now — and the person says something like, “My name is (blank) and I consent to all sexual activity with (insert name here) tonight.”

The video would have a date and time stamp on it and would only ever be released if there was an issue with consent surrounding that sexual relationship.

Tell me which jury or fact finder investigating a case is going to look at that video and then press charges in any sex related case. Now, obviously, this could raise issues with consent related to particular types of sex — for instance, what if a woman consents to regular sex and then she gets raped via anal sex or something like that? — but I think it would solve the issue in 99% of he said/she said sex cases.

Could it kill the romantic mood? Maybe. But also couldn’t it be kind of hot to ask a girl to record a video consenting to sex with you? Especially if you were recording the same video for her. Plus, is it any less awkward than rolling around naked playing just the tip the first time you have sex with someone? I think the net effect of an app like this would be positive in that it would reflect and record a conscious decision from a woman — or a man — that he or she is directly consenting to sex. In other words, it sets the presumption that couples should have a direct conversation about consenting to sex and makes it eventually a foregone conclusion that conversations like this would be common place.

If you were into kinkier sex then you could have the woman acknowledge that she’s consenting to kinky sex on the same app and say she won’t use the resulting bruises or whatever else happens — seriously, I’m not a guy who knows much about kinky sex — as evidence against you.

I think this would be important for tons of people, but it still wouldn’t solve every sex problem.

For instance, I am a married guy which means that like most married men I have virtually no sex unless my wife is trying to get pregnant. But I have thought as a D-list level famous person, what stops someone from making up a story about having sex with me and just going public with it on social media that I raped or sexually assaulted her? Even if I’m 100% innocent how do I prove that in an era when everyone is immediately presumed guilty the moment they are accused?

We’re in an era now where women are believed because of their sex and men are disbelieved because of their sex. That doesn’t seem any better than an era when men are believed because of their sex and women are disbelieved because of their sex. We’ve skipped right over equal treatment of both sexes under the law.

Hell, we don’t even allow time for a denial to be made, we automatically presume everyone is guilty right now.

Look at what’s going on with the guys at the NFL Network. Sure, maybe they were just sending random, unsolicited naked pics and videos of themselves masturbating to a make up girl working at the station, but doesn’t it seem just as likely, in at least some of these cases, that this is somehow connected to sexual related texts from her too?

As a guy who hasn’t ever taken a picture of his dick and texted it to a woman — I got married before the dick pic craze took off — I’ll admit that I’m not really an expert on dick pic etiquette, but it seems pretty outlandish for someone to go from texting about what time you’re getting your make up done to a shower masturbation video or a dick pic.

Especially if it’s someone you work with.

Also, why did all these guys have her number and why did she have their number too? I’ve done TV work for several years and the vast majority of the people who do make up or wardrobe in TV at Fox don’t have my number and vice versa. That’s not because I’m intentionally avoiding giving out my contact info it’s because I just have a work relationship with these guys and girls.

So just the exchange of numbers here is, I think, a bit peculiar.

Anyway, I also see my proposed app as being useful in sexual harassment related cases at work. Let’s say, for instance, you are dating or sleeping with someone you work with but you don’t want to go to HR and lay out the parameters of your relationship for the entire company to know because you’re not sure of where it’s going. Why not have the consent to the relationship — as well as the fact that she hasn’t been sexually harassed as part of the relationship — also on video?

I think I need to make this app a reality.

“Who would you vote for in the Alabama senate race Roy Moore or Doug Jones? I am a college student at UAB and torn between the two because of Jones’ democratic views but Moore’s allegations.”

I got tons of questions about this in today’s mailbag because the election is happening as many of you are reading this today. And it’s a testament to how controversial this voting decision has become that everyone wanted to ensure their name wasn’t used in the question at all.

So let me break it down for you as I see it.

And, as always, I trust you guys intelligence so I try not to tell you how to ever vote. You’re all smart, you can make your own decisions.

Okay, the moment this story broke my first thought was this — the timing seems suspect. Why didn’t The Washington Post, a newspaper I loved reading every day while I was in school in Washington, D.C., break this news during the Republican primary campaign? That was a hard fought, knock out, drag out contest, right? If Luther Strange wins that primary then he wins this general election with ease. And I think it’s fair to say that Luther Strange would have won the Republican primary — he lost 38% to 32% — if this story had come out then.

Now I understand the Washington Post will say the story wasn’t ready then as their defense, but I totally get the thoughts of many Republicans in Alabama that this story is a political rig job. They feel like this is a set up because a liberal newspaper suddenly breaks a forty year old sex story that indisputably gives a long shot Democratic candidate a chance to win a general election he would have had no chance of otherwise winning.

If it’s a story worthy of writing during the general election campaign, why wasn’t it also a story worthy of writing during the Republican primary.

Especailly when that longshot candidate wouldn’t just change the Senate party in Alabama, it would also go a long way towards giving Democrats control of the Senate during Donald Trump’s administration. Plus, even if Doug Jones losesthis story raises all the issues about Donald Trump’s past issues with women and paints the Republicans as an antediluvian party that is bad on women’s rights issues, which will be one of the top arguments Democrats make in 2018.

So this story only benefits Democrats from every conceivable angle that you want to examine.

Here’s my other big issue —  is Moore’s interest in teenage girls in the 1970’s really a valid story when he’s been married since 1985 and has four adult children? Remember, the age of consent in Alabama is 16. So while it may seem creepy for a single guy in his 30’s to be interested in teenage girls — and try to pick them up at malls — it wasn’t illegal provided both parties consented. What’s more there’s no suggestion that this behavior has continued since he got married back in 1985. So if Roy Moore has been a faithful husband to his wife for the past 32 years, isn’t that better than we can say about most politicians of both parties?

Now, allegations of non-consensual sexual activity with girls under 16 are obviously seriously problematic — and potentially criminal if proven — but they are just that — allegations. And forty year old allegations at that. Should Roy Moore have to suspend his 2017 Senate campaign because of forty year old unproven allegations? I don’t blame him for continuing to campaign, I would have too.

Furthermore, there are literally dozens of controversial opinions Roy Moore has had over his forty years as a public figure in the state of Alabama. If you wanted to vote against Roy Moore there are many reasons why it would make sense to vote against him that have nothing to do with forty year old sex allegations.

So personally I’d be more troubled by the things we know Moore did as a political figure than I would be about these allegations that he may or may not have done. If you were going to vote for him before these allegations, then I’d probably still vote for him. And if you were going to vote against him before these allegations then I’d certainly still vote against him.

Essentially I’d rather make my vote based on things I know to be 100% true than things that may be false.

Now I certainly understand if you were totally undecided between voting for the Republican or the Democratic candidate before this story broke and this story was the tipping point that made your decision for you, but how many people are actually in that camp? I’d say hardly anyone.

As always, regardless of your political opinions, exercise your franchise right and get out and vote if you’re down in Alabama today.

“My friends and I have had a serious debate and need the final ruling from the king of the Internet.

As most guys do, we get together and go downtown from time to time. The bars close at 2 a.m. which means a trip to the local strip club is undeniable, seeing as they stay open till the sun comes up.

Once we get to the strip club, we all just do our own thing, get dances at the stage, drink more, and take girls in the back for private 1 on 1 dances.

On our way home this past weekend, one of our friends starts talking about a girl he took back for a 1 on 1 dance and how good she was. He said it was the fastest he has ever got off in his pants from a dance.

Me and my friends immediately stopped and said, we don’t get off from the dances, and our friend insists that getting off from a dance is perfectly normal, and in fact a compliment to the dancer.

Have I been doing these dances wrong all along? Should I kick back, relax, and get my 3 minute dance with a happy ending ? Or is it completely disgusting and inappropriate to get off? Please enlighten us!”

Your friend may be a psychopath.

I have never heard of anyone getting off from a lap dance without physical contact between his penis and a stripper’s body. Much less bragging about it.

This most assuredly is not common behavior and your friend is not, in any way, giving the stripper a compliment by doing this.

At all.

Do you really think strippers go back to the dressing room and brag about the guys they got off via dry humping them on a lap dance?

Uh, no.

They, like everyone reading this, think your friend is a creepy loser.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Hope y’all have great Tuesdays.

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