Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Wednesday — I know, I know, I’m a day late again thanks to the national title game ending so late and me having to travel back from Atlanta this time — and it’s time for the anonymous mailbag.

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Okay, on to the mailbag.

Oh, and we now have Alohoa, Bitches, shirts for Bama fans in honor of Tua’s national championship. They are pretty awesome. Go check them out here. 

Here we go.

“So a close girl friend of mine set me up with her sister who is 30 and divorced. We hit it off and I took her out a couple times and hooked up. Then the sister went out of town and I took the close friend, her sister, to a concert as just a friendly thing.

When we got out to dinner before the concert she said “I’m single now just so you know” so I was like ok cool not thinking anything of it. We went into the concert and she was grinding on me like 2012 prom night.

So I was in a whirlwind, she’s all over me we get in the uber and the guy goes how do y’all know each other and she goes “he dates my sister” and the uber driver goes “doesn’t look like it” and daps me up. So of course I hook up with the younger sister. So then I recently took out the older one and I think she has no clue. So which one should I go for and am I the biggest legend? Or biggest skeezball?”

I think the younger sister is by far the bigger skeezball here.

Here’s the deal with hooking people of the opposite sex up with dating partners, if you hook up someone of the opposite sex with a dating partner what you’re really saying is, “I would bang you myself, but I’m precluded from doing so because I’m in a relationship so I’m going to find someone else I think you should bang instead of me.”

It’s like surrogate banging.

Here this girl clearly liked you and wanted to bang you, but she was in a relationship. So she hooked you up with her sister so she could surrogate bang you. Then she broke up and decided she wanted to bang you too. Only she should have known that you were off limits because you were banging her sister.

The younger sister at least seems to have some recognition of the absurd situation she’s in because she’s confessing to Uber drivers. (And, honestly, this would be a really funny thing to confess to an Uber driver and would make an incredible story. Only, guess what, YOUR UBER DRIVER ISN’T A CAB DRIVER HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! When I get in an Uber with someone interesting I like to ask what the craziest thing they’ve seen is. Their stories are incredible.)

Anyway, you shouldn’t be banging sisters, but your moral failings here pale in comparison to the younger sister who set you up with her divorced sister. What I’d suggest you do is break up with the older sister — who picks the divorced sister with a kid over the younger sister who has never been married and has no kid unless the older sister is way more hot? — and secretly date the younger sister until you’re willing to go public.

Then, if you guys ever do end up serious, you can claim you didn’t start dating until like a year after you actually did. Which should, hopefully, forestall a major family squabble.

Also, and you should know this but you’re a guy and we’re all dumb when it comes to hot chicks so I’ll just tell you, the younger sister is clearly not trustworthy in any respect if she’s willing to do this to the older sister so I’d never date her seriously either.

Good luck.

“Last weekend my wife (of 7 years) went down on me on Saturday night and then took care of the kids (ages 4 and 1) while I slept in till 9am on Sunday. It was amazing and unexpected. It got me thinking about your power rankings for married sex. My quick list would be:

1) Trying to get pregnant sex – there is nothing better than sex with a purpose

2) Hotel sex – I am not sure why a new location makes such a big difference

3) Kids away from the house (Daycare, sleepover, etc) sex

4) Unexpected blowjob – it’s almost like being in college again

5)  Sex while the kids are napping or watching tv in the other room – this is where the quality of the sex really starts to decline. You now have a time limit (the tv show) or the fear of the kid waking up from the nap. The only positive is that it’s during the day, which means better energy levels

6) Normal sex at night after a long day working / parenting

Am I missing anything?”

Perfect list.

The saddest thing about this list?

All of these pale in comparison to “dating sex.”

Which is why I would encourage every man reading this to not get married until he’s in his 30’s.

I need to reiterate this because it’s so true: dating favors the man, marriage favors the woman. This is true no matter who you are. Men have all the power before marriage, women have all the power after marriage.

“While I was growing up my family always attended church on Sunday(FWIW the contemporary service) and my brother and I attended youth group. While this was probably because it was free babysitting for my parents, we were still heavily involved in youth group and other things with the church. However, neither my brother or I were ever really all that into religion itself, we just enjoyed hanging out with other people our age.

Now to the point, as I’ve come to adulthood I’ve realized that I am more agnostic than anything else. I don’t necessarily say there isn’t a higher power but it definitely isn’t going to dictate anything in my life. Here’s where the issue lies. Around the holidays especially people are always asking you to say prayers and whatnot and I don’t feel I get any benefit whatsoever from it so I always feel annoyed when people ask me to do a blessing and I usually just say “I’m thankful we can all get together and eat this food” and I’m done. Am I an asshole? Should I be playing along even though I think it’s pointless?

I am logical enough to understand that I can have my own beliefs(or lack thereof) and still accept others are big on church. However, I don’t think its acceptable to force people to cater to your religious beliefs. What are your thoughts?”

You can respect other people’s opinions without having to share them.
Here, based on your upbringing, you know exactly what saying grace sounds like, so I’d just say it here. Otherwise you’re just kind of being a dickhead. I get your position that you feel like someone else is foisting their religion on you, but what’s the actual impact on your life? It’s thirty seconds.
Now if you’re a grown man and someone is insisting that you be circumcised, okay, you can raise an objection, but here, just get over it.
Plus, you’re familiar with what a blessing sounds like. This is infinitely better than, for instance, not being religious at all and suddenly having an obligation to say grace despite having no knowledge whatsoever of what that’s supposed to sound like.

Which reminds me, if you have a friend who isn’t religious and your parents are religious, you should definitely insist that friend say grace at your meals just to see the result.

“Was out of town for New Year’s and while out at a bar I strike up a conversation with one of the hottest women at the bar. We hit the dance floor then she ask if I want to go to the bar at her hotel for drinks. She’s a ten so of course I say yes. We have a few drinks then she invites me up to her room.

After a few hours up at her room we both decided I better leave before her friend makes it back to the room. We exchange numbers and both express interest in seeing each other again while we’re both in town. I finally make it back to my room and this women is blowing my phone up telling me how much she wants to see me again.

Since I had her name and number I look her up on Facebook. I see her page and find out that not only is she engaged but she also has a kid. I had no way of knowing those things because she didn’t mention them and I didn’t ask. My buddies are split on whether I was in the wrong or that the blame is totally on her. I never plan to contact or see the women again but wonder which of my friends you would side with on this situation?”

How are your buddies blaming you?

Unless she had on a gigantic wedding/engagement ring on and you missed it — I’m guessing this isn’t the case — I don’t see what you did wrong at all. You picked up a girl you thought was single at a bar and slept with her.

What’s more, you did what I think most reasonable people would do in this exact same situation and looked her up online and found out new information about her. (That’s not something you were obligated to do and clearly shows you were interested in her for something more than just casual sex one time). What you found there surprised you.

Now if you’d just found out that she had a kid I don’t think that changes anything — plenty of single men and women have kids and I certainly don’t think they’re obliged to discuss their children with random guys or girls they meet at the bar — but the fact that you found out she’s engaged is certainly important information.

But you didn’t know that or have any reason to know about her engagement status beforehand so I don’t think you did anything wrong here.

If, however, you continue to hook up with her given the information that you now have then I think you’re partially culpable here, but only a small amount compared to her. After all, you’re not cheating on a partner, she is.
What I would do is just move on and not have any contact with her again.
Sure, it’s easy to pass up the no strings attached sex, but what happens if this fiance finds out about you? Do you want some random guy you don’t know showing up at your house trying to kill you for sleeping with his fiancee?
This would be my advice for sleeping with married or engaged people in general, leaving aside the bad moral angles which could lead to poor karma for you, why risk it?
It has literally never been easier to have sex before in human history, why risk things with someone with a committed partner already when there are millions of single guys or girls out there?
“I’m 32 with three daughters, the youngest of which is 6 months old. My wife said that she doesn’t feel as connected to me lately. Admittedly, our kids keep us very busy and both of us work full-time. By the time that we get all of them to bed, we pretty much eat dinner then go to bed.
Our kids are still young, so it’s difficult for my wife and I to get on a plane and fly somewhere for a getaway weekend. She suggested that we get up a little earlier in the morning to eat breakfast together. As a husband and father to multiple kids, do you have any tips for things that we could do?”
Get a babysitter and go out together either once or twice a week.
If the weekends are too busy because of kid events you’d be amazed how easy it is to get in to most restaurants on a Tuesday or Wednesday, for instance. Especially if you go out to dinner at like six. (Or if you can go even earlier that’s fine too). The babysitter can get the kids to bed and even if you’re getting home at nine or so you don’t feel as tired without having to go through the challenges of bed time.
That also gives you something to look forward to in the middle of the week.
Obviously dating on the weekend is good too, but most cities are much more frenetic on the weekend so I totally get the challenge that can bring.
The other thing I’d suggest is getting someone to stay overnight with your kids — a six month old baby may be too young so you may have to wait a few more months — and just getting a hotel room somewhere in town. Go out for a nice dinner and drinks somewhere and get some sleep — and sex — without having to worry about getting up the next morning.
That’s something to look forward to as well.
Particularly if you get a nice hotel room, just make it a mini-staycation.
As for getting up early for breakfast, you’re lucky if your kids sleep in — mine get up at dawn — but eventually they might not do that so your breakfast plans may get ruined regardless. I get up insanely early — in the four am hour Monday-Friday so this would be impossible for me — but I don’t mind getting up early as much as I miss the late nights in the house after the kids were asleep.
This was my time to watch television or just chill without the news cycle being at a fever pitch. From around 9:30 to midnight I could catch up on TV shows, watch sports or read. My wife was also generally up so we could talk then. So that’s the thing I miss the most about the morning radio show, it’s just impossible to stay up that late every night and wake up at 4 am.
Last night I went to bed at seven!
Now that was because I’d only slept three hours in the previous 36 hours because of the college football playoff, but, still, that’s pretty crazy.
Ultimately when you have really young kids all couples are like business partners more than actual couples.
My final question for you would be this — now that you have three kids have you thought about your wife staying home with them? Can you afford to do it? Would she want to do it? She could be hinting at this idea and not want to mention it herself. You have to be delicate about bringing it up, but if you’re paying for child care for three kids now it’s often the case that one person’s entire salary is going to pay someone else to watch the kids. Would your wife feel more in control of her schedule — and closer to you — if she was home more?
It drives all the far left wingers crazy, but there’s a reason why one parent working and the other staying home with the kids was so popular for so long — IT’S BECAUSE IT WORKS REALLY DAMN WELL IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE KIDS!
Our home life got a billion percent better when my wife quit work to stay at home with our kids. And given what we were paying in child care — and what you guys reading this right now with two parents working pay in child care now too — it’s not like we were making any money off her salary.
When two parents are working and you have multiple children in day care, it’s almost always the case that one parent’s entire salary is going to pay someone else to watch your kids.
Good luck.
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