It’s anonymous mailbag Tuesday and I’m up in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl writing the mailbag from radio row. If you happen to be an Outkick fan in Minnesota you can come by and see our set and say hi from 5-8 am central. Yeah, you really have to love me and Outkick in order to make that happen this early in the morning.
“What is your opinion on guys having a foot fetish? I have one and it’s pretty severe. Outside of that, I’m a pretty normal guy who does good with the ladies. Problem being, I always feel the need to let a girl know that I’m into feet almost immediately. I don’t even know why I do it, but I feel like I self-consciously want her to say “Awww that’s not weird!” and send me a collage of her pedicure. Obviously, this almost never comes to fruition, and my life is still a pit of creepy misery.”
Here’s the deal with all fetishes, you can’t admit to a fetish until you’re in a legitimate relationship.
Otherwise, it’s just creepy to admit to liking any body parts other than your standard boobs, butts, and legs. Women are totally fine with guys having boobs, butts or leg fetishes. In fact, no one even calls these fetishes because guys are all into them to some degree or another.
But if you’re a foot guy or you have any other body part that you worship, you have to keep that quiet until you’re into a legitimate relationship.
Because, I’m telling you, if you go too early with the foot fetish detail then the girl will immediately share it with all her friends and you’ll become, “Foot Guy,” to her and all of her friends. Seriously, they won’t even use your name, you’ll just be Foot Guy. Maybe, if you’re lucky, there will have been another foot guy in the girl’s past and your profession will get added, so you’ll be “Foot Guy Dentist,” or “Foot Guy Realtor.”
When you start off with this kind of descriptor attached to your name you are basically done.
So I’d advise saving all the freaky desires and playing it cool until the relationship progresses to the point that your girlfriend is actually willing to keep some of your freaky sexual peccadilloes to herself. Otherwise you’re dead on arrival.
Unless, and this might be even wilder, you’ve somehow managed to find a girl doing foot fetish porn. And, be honest, even as a foot fetish guy would you want to date a girl doing foot fetish porn. (Even if there’s no nudity involved.)
I bet the answer is no.
“I have a nine month old son. He has been crawling for about 6 weeks and recently started standing. My wife takes care of him all day, but when I get home from work I am in charge of bath time. It is usually pretty fun as he basically splashes around, looks up and laughs at me. Well, last night the inevitable happened: he pooped in the tub.
The kid decided to stand up, turn around and look at me as he started to grunt. I asked him “Are you pooping?” He just smiles and then sure enough, a squishy turd slipped right out and splashed into the water. Fortunately I had already used soap and he was standing, so I just scooped him up and didn’t have to redo the whole bathing process. My wife wanted me to, but I insisted only his feet had been in the poop-water, so I just used some disinfecting wipes on his feet. Problem solved. But this whole situation got me thinking:
1. Should I have rebathed him?
2. Is my son going to be a sociopath? I mean, is it normal behavior to look someone in the eye as you laugh and dump out?”
He’s a sociopath.
But all kids are until about six or seven years old.
After that they should have some emotions or empathy and not be able to pull off that move with someone watching. Once he starts walking he’ll eventually decide he doesn’t want you to watch him poop and he’ll start hiding behind chairs or going into dark corners while he poops. And you’ll be like, “Are you pooping?” And he’ll grunt, “No,” while he’s in mid poop.
Only washing his legs off is such a dad move, it hurts. Every woman cleans out the tub and rebathes him completely, zero doubt.
But I think you made the right move here, the entire rest of his body was already clean, he’s fine.
“I was up for the office Christmas party and I don’t know what happened, but after about 7 drinks I just started exaggerating about owning a million dollars of Bitcoin to an associate. I was asking him, what should I do now – it was in December, when it was peaking. It was an obvious lie. I feel terrible about it. On top of that, I’ve built a superstar career on being truthful, honest and I lied over this – something unnecessary and insignificant.
I don’t know why I did it (lots of stress, a family illness that was terminal at the time, I despise a lot of these dip shits, etc). I really can’t explain it, but there is no excuse for it. In reality, I am a really successful guy, superstar at work (I run a division of our company), a multi millionaire (made it off real estate and stocks), but I drive a 12 year old car because I don’t want to put it in people’s faces.
I don’t know what got into me and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’ve wrecked all my credibility for nothing. What do I do?”
If you are actually a multi-millionaire, why do you care how people think you made your money? And how will they know whether you have bitcoin or not?
I’d just keep up the lie and say you sold your bitcoin this week and got out for $500k. The bitcoin price has been cut in half since your Christmas party so half of the money you bragged you had is gone now anyway.
Tell the guy you got so stressed about the wild swings of the price of bitcoin that you sold out put everything except the money you spent on a new car — if you’re driving a 12 year old car and you’re a multi millionaire it’s time for a new car — into a S&P 500 index fund and you have sworn off ever investing in bitcoin again.
He’ll either believe you or he won’t, but I think it’s weirder to go back to him and admit you lied about the bitcoin. Plus, you told him you had $1 million in bitcoin, not $100 million. Given the huge run up in in price why is that impossible to believe?
Assuming you have a good job now your life wouldn’t change that much if you had an extra $500k. (Some of you reading this right now are thinking, “Wrong, dude, my life would totally change if I had $500k!” I’m telling you, it probably wouldn’t. You’d have more financial security and maybe you’d have a nicer house if you chose to put the money into a more expensive home, but it’s not like you could stop working or really change your lifestyle that much in the long term. To me there are just two kinds of money — I never have to work again and my lifestyle wouldn’t change at all money and everything else.)
“Help settle a debate. When is the appropriate time to put back on your boxers/briefs after banging a girl and she’s staying over? One friend stays butt naked every time until the morning and doesn’t care about his definitely flaccid dick. Other friends they put back on their underwear when their done so they don’t have to deal with being all baby dicked around the girl.
Does the rule change under different circumstances? Sober sex? One night stand vs. girlfriend?”
I think it’s a balancing test — size of limp dick in conjunction with length of relationship. If you have a tiny limp dick and it’s a one night stand you should definitely go immediate boxers, but if you have a huge limp dick and you’ve been together for a long time, you can go without.
Here’s the deal — many women don’t realize how much the penis’s size alters throughout the day, week, months and years.
Guys, as we’ve discussed before in the mailbag, have good dick days and bad dick days. Some days you get out of the shower and look at yourself in the mirror and think, “Damn, my dick looks good today!”
Other days you think, “I would kill myself if someone took a picture of my dick right now and my face was in the photo and it got accidentally posted on my Facebook feed.”
Most women, especially younger women, have only really seen a dick when sexual activity is involved. They have no idea how much difference there is between the lion when he’s awake and the lion when he’s asleep.
Now, it’s also true that some guys have gigantic limp dicks too. If you have a gigantic porn star dick it really doesn’t matter what you do in life because you have a gigantic penis and your life is probably going to be fine. But for the other 95% of us, I think you go boxers on one night stands and stick to boxers until you’re in a relationship. And even in the early days of the relationship, I’d still go with a good blood flow dick in the shower. Maybe a couple of extra tugs when you’re washing just to ensure you aren’t full baby dick when you come out of the shower and dry off.
You can also finesse all of this by going with the sheet covering your dick, but you’re still naked move. You know how like in movies girl’s nipples are always covered after sex when they’re in bed. You can just pretend that the sheet is covering your dick by accident. “Oh, this sheet is covering my dick right now? I didn’t even notice. How did that happen that my legs aren’t covered and my chest isn’t covered either, but this sheet is just covering my limp dick? What a coincidence.”
Also, once you’re married your wife is going to want you to put some pants on because men are gross, particularly when naked, and our dirty bodies make sheets disgusting.
“I have a position open. One that pays pretty well for someone in their late 20s. The problem is, I am hesitant to hire a female because of all the #metoo stuff. I mean, I don’t want to risk my career and my family’s well being because I don’t know this person. In this #metoo world, all it would take is a woman saying “Give me a promotion or I will say you touched me,” or “I want the day/week/month off or I will say you propositioned me.”
Am I wrong for thinking about this as part of the hiring process?”
This is a question that a ton of men are privately discussing right now, even if many of them won’t admit it.
Guys are sitting around with each other saying things like, “If I hire a guy for this job I know that the absolute worst thing that any guy could say about me is that I’m an asshole or I treated him like a jerk. And no one will care about that even if it’s true.”
But if I hire a girl for a job one day she might one day accuse me of sexual harassment.
Now, of course, the easy answer is don’t sexually harass anyone, but we live in an era when many women are being believed the moment they levy any sexual harassment allegation no matter its truth. And how can you disprove a negative? Once a guy gets accused of sexual harassment it’s impossible to prove you’re innocent.
So I think one of the paradoxical impacts of the #metoo movement is going to end up being that men are actually more likely to hire men than they were beforehand because it’s just less risky.
“My 29 year old boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and have both expressed that we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives and that we’re “it” for each other.
As time has passed and more serious conversations have come up it has become clear that our views on marriage and children are complete opposites.
First, let me fill you in on the fact that he has a 16 month old son with a woman he never really dated or even loved. I met him 2 months prior to the child being born and have been there and witnessed all the stress he has gone through with having a child out of wedlock.
So now he says he never wants to get married or have any more children. Although I can get past him never wanting to get married because it’s not a matter of commitment that he is afraid of but rather the fact that marriage is just a government thing and what he wants is just a mutual agreement between two people that they want to be committed and together for the rest of their lives.
But, the fact that he says he doesn’t want any more children is what worries me.
I’m not sure if I want kids one day (I’m 25 years old right now) but if and when the day comes, I want to be able to have that choice and that option to have a child with the man that I love and plan on spending the rest of my life with. And who knows, one day I may find out that I can’t even have kids but I don’t want someone else other than God making that decision for me.
I feel that all the stress he’s gone through with the mother of his child has altered his view and opinion on having children.
One day I sent him a screen shot of a song on Pandora, without realizing there was an advertisement about seeking a doctor with a mom and dad holding their newborn baby, he completely freaked out on me as if that was my way of telling him I was pregnant?! His response and attitude about it all really pissed me off. That if the day ever came where I did get pregnant, he wouldn’t be excited.
I understand that there are relationships where the two people just want different things out of life so they cut their losses and move on, just thought I’d get your opinion first before we’re years down the road and I come across him on Facebook married and having more children and I’m single and incapable of having kids. Some shit that would be.”
Guys who say they don’t want to get married because marriage doesn’t mean anything and won’t change their commitment level are generally lying to avoid getting married so they don’t have to commit to anything.
Trust me, guys who make this argument know exactly what marriage means and they want to avoid it.
The kid front is more challenging, your boyfriend is only 29 and he’s just had a kid out of wedlock. It’s reasonable that if you had a bad experience with having a child that you might view that experience as typical of all children and not a reflection of the poor relationship.
But here’s the biggest deal — you want to get married and have kids and your boyfriend doesn’t want either. Or at least says he doesn’t want either.
You’re only 25 years old. There are tons of men who want to get married and have kids. So why would you stay with someone who doesn’t want either?
You may love him, but you’ll love someone else more who doesn’t require you to give up two things as important as children and marriage.
I’d move on.
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