Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com.

It’s also important for you guys to know that the anonymous mailbag is brought to you every week by my friends at The Home Loan Expert. Are you overloaded with credit card debt after the holidays? Did you miss your budget for 2017? Why not get your financial house in order by giving my friends a visit on their website. They can take care of your mortgage needs anywhere in the country and eliminate all of your credit card debt via refinancing, so go visit them today and start saving a ton of money at The Home Loan Expert.com.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

“I’m in my early 30s, and I’m a virgin. No real reason why… it just never happened for me. Anyways, I’m going to Europe for two weeks in March for my birthday. Among the cities I’m visiting is Amsterdam. My buddies tell me I should get a prostitute or at least visit an erotic massage parlor. I’m hesitant to visit a professional, because who knows how many guys they’ve been with and I don’t want to catch anything; but at the same time wouldn’t it be highly regulated and the girls are tested on a regular basis? What say you King Solomon of the Internet?”

If you’re in your early 30s and you haven’t had sex, I see no problem with having sex with a prostitute.

Maybe some of you out there are thinking, “OH MY GOD, YOU SHOULD SAVE YOUR VIRGINITY FOR THE RIGHT PERSON!”

But I actually think most women will think it’s weirder that you’ve waited until your 30’s to have sex for the first time than they will be impressed that you’ve waited to have sex with them. And let’s be brutally honest here, if you’ve waited until your 30’s to have sex you’ve probably passed on a bunch of decent options and before long you’re start doubting yourself and thinking, “Well, if I didn’t have sex with Kyleigh, why would I have sex with Kayla now?” (I’m not an expert on millennial women, but it seems like they are all named Kyleigh or Kayla.)

Plus, your average woman would rather end up with guy who’s slept with 20 women than she would a guy who slept with none. She may say otherwise, but she’s lying.

(Statistics actually prove me right on this, by the way. Women find a man more attractive based on other women liking him. That’s why once you sleep with one sorority girl on campus you can always sleep with another girl in the same sorority. Indeed, the hotter the sorority girl you sleep with, the more hot girls you can sleep with too. Women judge you by the women you’re with more than men do. Once you start dating a hot woman you’ll always date hot women. It’s literally science.)

Now I wouldn’t make a big deal of broadcasting who I lost my virginity to for future girls I dated — because waiting until you’re in your early 30s to have sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam sounds weird too — but I think you’re likely mythologizing sex at this point and you just need to do the deed.

That is, the longer you go without doing it the bigger of a deal it seems to you. And then once you do it, you realize it isn’t that big of a deal at all.

Now, for all of you out there worried about diseases, where prostitution is legalized they actually have a pretty rigorous STD testing procedure. They insist on safe sex, condoms are required, and I believe they actually post their sex test results on the wall like they do kitchen cleanliness reports in the United States.

So I wouldn’t actually be worried about that if I were you.

You’re probably more in danger of getting an STD picking up a random girl at the bar.

In fact, this is why I favor legalization of prostitution in the United States. I’m in favor of legalizing and taxing things much more than I’m in favor of my tax dollars going to pay women to pretend to be prostitutes and bust guys for paying for sex.

Think about it, who is the more honest person? The woman who is selling sex for money or the woman who is pretending to sell sex for money to put you in jail?

No contest, right? The prostitute is more honest by far than the cop in this situation.

Side note: how is it a real job funded by taxpayers to pretend to want to have sex with guys, ask them for money in exchange for sex, and then put them in jail when they try to pay you for sex?!

I just feel like this should be the most morally indefensible taxpayer funded job in America and no one even blinks that this is what female vice cops do for a living.

“So I basically have 3 animals (2 dogs, 1 cat) that I consider “step” animals because they all belonged to my wife before we got together. I have always been a dog person but strongly dislike and am allergic to cats. The cat is 13 years old and, for all intents and purposes, is the bane of my existence. He pukes frequently, whines for food constantly, and worst of all, is costing me a lot of money to keep taking care of.  Between food, prescription meds and trips to the vet, the cat easily cost me between $1,500-$2,000 in 2017.

With that said, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s time to take the cat out. I haven’t gone as far as to insist that we put the cat down directly to my wife because I don’t want her to hate me forever for forcing her to put him down when she wasn’t ready.  I’ve decided it has to be a covert op and am currently considering 2 options: (1) wait until my wife and kid are asleep, take the cat outside and old yeller him with an air rifle, bury the body off site where it will never be found, or (2) drive a good 10-20 miles from my house, leave the cat and hope nature takes it’s course one way or another before he makes it home.  In either case, the following morning the play is “The cat was whining to out last night so I let him out but I haven’t seen him since. I’m sure he’ll turn up.”

One last note for the record – A couple weeks ago, in a moment of weakness after cleaning up a pile of cat puke that my wife apparently preferred to stare at all day instead of clean up, I angrily made the statement “This damn cat is a burden to this family and a drain on our finances, and I want him gone!” I share this only to acknowledge the possibility, albeit small, that my wife may suspect foul play due to my known hatred of the cat.”

Okay, here’s the problem, your cat isn’t really that old. He’s only 13. A typical indoor cat can live 13-17 years and some last until they’re 20 years old. (At least according to my Google search for how long cats live).

So if the cat’s not actually ill then you’re snuffing him out with several years left and this seems like a bad karmic move. (Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a crime).

Furthermore, given that you’ve already said you wish the cat were dead, how often does a 13 year old cat just run away? No way your wife doesn’t suspect you when the cat suddenly disappears after 13 years.

But assuming the cat is truly ill — that is, on his death bed and not getting better, which it sounds like might be true based on what you’re spending a year on his treatment — I think you go with option three here — poison the cat.

It’s like assisted cat suicide. You put some poison in his food or milk, he eats it and then he dies.

That way the cat dies and you’re totally blameless.

It’s not like they do cat autopsies and you’re going to get charged with feline murder. Or CSI: CAT is going to exhume the cat’s body in five years and come arrest you for buying the felinicide.

It’s a 13 year old cat that was sick and it finally died. Then you can be the heroic husband who kept the cat alive for as long as possible and cries, hopefully to sell your empathy even more, as you tearfully dig his grave in the back yard.

Just make sure you buy the poison with cash and clear your search history.

The last thing you need is that receipt somehow showing up or your wife sitting down at the computer and suddenly seeing your how to kill a cat google search.

“My boyfriend and I are big fans of yours so I thought I’d ask a question that’s been bothering me. We’re both comfortable with each other and I’m fine sharing women with him. In fact, we’ve had quite a bit of threesomes. The only stipulation is that I get to pick the women; and for the record, the women are always hot like me with big boobs. I have 36dd. Anyways, recently, my boyfriend asked if his coworker could join in one time. I know the girl and she’s okay but it’s annoying that he broke the rules. What should I do?”

True story: Two girls I knew from high school picked up a random guy at a gas station and had a threesome with him. Both girls were good looking, smart, and totally normal. They just decided this would be hot to do, to go out one night and pick up a random guy at a random place and bang him together.

The stranger they picked up was literally the luckiest man alive. He walked into a gas station and left with two girls who wanted to have a threesome with him.

So they all go back to a hotel room and have sex together.

And they have such a good time that they meet up and do it again.

Then they set up a meeting for a third time and what does the guy do? He shows up with a buddy. (Probably the buddy who didn’t believe he was banging two hot girls he met at a gas station). And both girls tell him, “Nope, we’re done here.”

And they never see him or have sex with him again.

What’s the lesson here? When you have really great luck with women, don’t be stupid and try to press that luck and make them uncomfortable with your additional demands, let them drive the sex train. (Also, I haven’t seen either of these girls in years, but I bet they’re married with kids now and I do enjoy laughing about the fact that they probably won’t sleep with their husbands very often. And if the husband knew this story, he’d be thinking, “You won’t have sex with me for five minutes tonight, but you used to pick up random dudes at the gas station with your girlfriend and bang them?!” Welcome to marriage).

But back to your situation.

You’re a woman who is willing to have threesomes with her boyfriend. The only rule you have is you get to pick the girls. Presumably that makes you more comfortable with the decision and helps to eliminate the idea that your partner is more interested in the other girl than he is in you.

As a result the threesome is something that you and he are sharing together and you’re in control of that sexual act.

The moment your boyfriend picks a girl on his own now you’re wondering, “Wait, why did he pick her? Does he like her? Does he like her better than me? If the sex is really good is he going to start cheating on me with his co-worker?”

All of these thoughts are perfectly valid and normal thoughts.

And your boyfriend is being just like the guy in the story I’m telling you about above, he’s got two good looking girls having threesomes with him and now he’s trying to unilaterally change the parameters of the relationship.

I think you just sit him down and say, “These threesomes are something we share together, but I’m only comfortable doing them if I pick the girls.”

If he’s not okay with those rules, he can find a new girlfriend.

I don’t think there are very many guys reading the anonymous mailbag right now who would think that’s unfair. “Wait, I’ve got a girlfriend who is okay with having threesomes, but the only rule is she gets to pick the girls?” 99% of men would sign up for that deal right now.

So will your boyfriend, he’s just gotten greedy because that’s how men are.

Put him back in his place.

“I was at the gym last night, and as usual, I bring food to eat after the workout (a sandwich and 4 eggs with cheddar cheese and tomatoes.)

I’m a junior in college now and I’ve been bringing food to the gym every day since I was a freshman and never had a problem.

So anyway, the person working at the gym takes my food and throws it out because apparently I wasn’t allowed to have food at the gym. Either way, I looked in the garbage and I saw that the food was in the garbage, but it was still sealed.

So naturally, I asked all my friends if the food was okay to eat if it was in the garbage but sealed so no food itself actually touched any garbage. I had about a 50-50 response. I ultimately chose to eat it because I couldn’t live with wasting that much food. As the King Solomon of the Internet, I would like to get your take on whether or not food is still okay to eat in the garbage when it is still sealed.”

I think it’s fine to take the food out of the trash can, but I think taking food to the gym is really, really weird.

It’s even weirder if you’re in college and theoretically surrounded by women who might be willing to bang you.

I mean, if you’re like sixty or seventy and you bring food to the gym you’ve basically given up on life anyway. You’ve been married for forty years and no one wants to bang you at all and the gym is basically the highlight of your life. You know how old dudes are walking around the gym with their old man balls drooping like saddlebags on the side of a camel in the Sahara desert. Just sitting his old balls down on the couch and watching TV like you’ve got nothing better in the world to do. (Side note, why are there TVs and couches in gym locker rooms? Why in the world would anyone need to just sit down and watch TV in a locker room? I don’t get this at all.) Old men do this because they don’t want leave the gym because the gym is the highlight of their day. So they can be weird.

But if you’re a young guy in college, you maximize sex with a simple rule: JUST DON’T DO WEIRD SHIT.

And most of you stupid motherfuckers STILL CAN’T AVOID DOING WEIRD SHIT.

It boggles my mind, just think like a woman for three minutes of every day. That’s all I’m asking for.

Women are being pursued for sex all the time. Literally every second of every day some guy somewhere is trying to bang a good looking college girl. Sex for them is insanely easy. So don’t give them reasons not to bang you by doing weird shit.

If you were a good looking college girl would you want to bang the guy who brings sandwiches to the gym?

Fuck no.

If I knew I was competing to bang a girl with a guy who brought sandwiches to the gym, I’d be like, “Hey, I know I’m not as cool as that dude trying to bang you who brings egg salad sandwiches to the gym,” and, boom, you’re dead. I just killed you right there.

That’s a flawless victory.

Because every time that girl sees you from that point forward she’s thinking, “You know what? Clay Travis is right, I can’t bang the dude who brought an egg salad sandwich to the gym. I’m going to bang Clay Travis instead because at least he doesn’t bring egg salad sandwiches to the gym.” (Back when I was single and I had sex almost all the sex I got was just by being a totally normal guy. By just not fucking up and being weird. I’m not talking about star athlete college sex here, I’m just talking about solid 25% top college sex. I wasn’t a home run hitter, but I could leg a single into a double, pepper in some power here and there. It’s not rocket science getting girls to sleep with you, it really isn’t.)

And if you can’t tell already, I’m still fired up about this sandwich at the gym move.

What, you can’t wait the fifteen minutes it takes to drive home from the gym to eat like a normal person? Do you have some strange blood sugar issue that you pass out if you don’t have food immediately after a workout? Seriously, this is fucking weird.

 

The fact that your friends have let you bring sandwiches to the college gym for three years and are questioning you pulling the sandwich out of the trash instead of the sandwich being at the gym in the first place is also weird.

Anyway, the sandwich is fine if it’s still in the baggie. That’s the entire purpose of putting it in the baggie, so nothing else touches it. Pulling it out of the trash is the least of your problems.

Stop being fucking weird and taking sandwiches to the gym in the first place.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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