Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

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Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com

“My girlfriend loves playing hypothetical question games and recently asked me this. If I had tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup with the Preds at home (diehard Preds/Titans fan) but at game time she was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy, what do I do? For context we have been dating for 3 and a half years…so this isn’t a scenario where I’m ok to have it end in a break-up. For the sake of the argument let’s say the seats are anywhere in the 100 level. No hesitation I’m going straight to Bridgestone Arena.

I think she was a little taken aback by the lack of hesitation. So then the conversation went to what sort of medical emergency would have to occur for me to miss the game. I really think it’s either child birth or some sort of life threatening surgery. Curious as to where you would draw the line? Am I a total asshole for making her go to the appendectomy alone? And how long am I in the dog house for this hypothetical scenario?”

I think there are two big angles you aren’t considering here — is she in the hospital alone or is she with her parents, family or friends? And when was she diagnosed with the issue? Both of these are major factors.
Because if she’s going to the emergency room by herself with severe pain in her abdomen you don’t know what is actually wrong with her. I had my appendix taken out when I was in seventh grade and it was AWFUL. I was so sick as I waited in the emergency room and then eventually got taken up to the regular room and put on an IV to wait for surgery the next morning.
But I didn’t know what was wrong with me when I went to the emergency room, just that I was in crippling pain in my abdomen.
I’ve had three surgeries where I was put to sleep in my life: when I was six I was bitten by a German shepherd and had to get stitches on my face, when I was 12 I had my appendix taken out and when I was 18 I had my tonsils removed. All three of these necessitated emergency room visits and the only time I ever went to the emergency room by myself was with the tonsils issue and it SUCKED to be there alone.
(This is a totally true story and I hope you’re not eating lunch right now. I got a bad tonsil infection at the end of my first semester in college. Eventually it go so painful that I went to student health on campus and they referred me to a doctor near campus. So I go to the doctor near campus and he looks at my throat and says, “I think you’ve got an abscess. We have two options, you can go to the hospital and have surgery or you can let me lance it here in the office and I think you’ll get immediate relief.”
So I pick the lancing in the office because, and this was pretty DBAP of me, I had a final that afternoon and I wanted to take it and be done with finals instead of going to the hospital and having surgery. Next thing you know the doctor hands me a big steel bowl and tells me to lay down in an examination chair. He’s got a huge scalpel and one of those needles that’s the size of your forearm. So I ask him what the steel bowl is for and, I swear to god, he says, “It’s to catch all the blood and puss when I lance your throat.”
I should have changed my mind right then and there.
So he sticks this deadening needle the size of his arm in my swollen tonsils and then pulls out the scalpel and lances my throat and then he’s leaned over me with his mask on and his gigantic spotlight looking in my throat and he’s like, “Huh, that didn’t work.”
Meanwhile I’m just spitting up blood like crazy in the steel bowl, but, and here’s the biggest problem, I’m also swallowing blood like crazy because my throat is numb and I can’t feel the blood in my throat until it’s already on the way to my stomach.
I’ll be damned if he doesn’t then tell me, “You’re going to have to take a cab to the hospital,” and SENDS ME OUTSIDE WITH MY STEEL BOWL OF BLOOD TO GET MY OWN CAB TO SIBLEY MEMORIAL HOSPITAL IN WASHINGTON, DC, WHICH IS LIKE 45 MINUTES AWAY.
So there I am, 18 years old with blood pouring out of my mouth, hailing my own cab and riding up to the hospital to check myself in to have emergency tonsil surgery. Only when I get to the hospital the computers are down so I’m just sitting in the emergency room spitting up blood in my steel bowl for a couple of hours. It’s a wonder I didn’t die.
Later friends came and visited me, but it’s not like we lived in a text message, or even cell phone, era so no one had any idea where I was or why I was at the hospital.
Eventually I got admitted to a room, but it was a total disaster.
I tell you all of that for this reason, being sick and going to the hospital by yourself is AWFUL. And dangerous. So I think you’d have to give up Game 7 if your girlfriend felt bad enough to go the emergency room. The appendix example is a bad one here because you wouldn’t know it was her appendix in advance.
Now I’d feel different if it were a scheduled surgery.
But unscheduled surgery requires some degree of uncertainty about the medical outcome and you have to be there. Again, the only possible exception I can see here is if she’s being accompanied by a parent or brother or sister or someone like that. To me, the parent should be there.
My mom flew up the next day when she found out I was in the hospital having surgery on my tonsils and I remember how happy I was to see her there. Essentially you never want to be in the hospital by yourself.
So you’d have to give up Game 7 if your girlfriend was sick enough to need to go to the emergency room.
“So I’m a female sophomore in college and my girlfriends and I were recently having a debate in our group text that I think only you can settle. One of my friends posed the question: If guys were physically able to suck their own dicks, would they? 
My friends are split pretty evenly on the issue, with the pro-self dick sucking group saying its no different than a guy jerking himself off. The other half thinks that any guy who would do this is a legitimate psychopath. If I found out a guy I was dating sucked his own dick in his free time, I would be appalled, disgusted and creeped out. It just feels so different than normal jerking off from a female perspective and the thought really freaks me out.
One of my friends did some investigating and found out a kid she knew in highschool was flexible enough to do it; no word yet on whether he does it willingly and/or frequently.
Let me know your thoughts, love your work.”
I think most guys would suck their own dicks if they could suck their own dicks. But this requires either tremendous flexibility or a gigantic penis, potentially a combination of both. (Ron Jeremy, the porn star, could famously suck his own dick).
It also requires a pretty high sex drive, which is why just about every single teenage boy has, at some point in time, attempted to see whether he could suck his own dick or not. (Full disclosure, I can’t.)
I also agree with you that it definitely seems like a psychotic thing to even attempt, which is why all your boyfriends are going to laugh nervously and say, “No, gross! I would never suck my own dick or even try to do it. Clay Travis is lying! You can’t trust that guy!”
One additional thought in favor of the guys who may be able to suck their own dicks, can you think of anything else you spend tons of time trying to get a girl to do to you that you aren’t willing to do to yourself? Isn’t it, from a purely physical perspective, grosser to suck someone else’s dick than to suck your own dick? I mean, if you’re begging girls to suck your dick, shouldn’t you be willing to do it too?
Having said all this, if I walked into a college dorm room one day and saw my girlfriend curled up like a pretzel eating herself out I would immediately end the relationship. I just don’t think I could recover from this.
So I certainly understand your unease here.
“Hey Clay, so a really good friend of mine is kind of lost in the world right now. We have a small group of us guy friends (4 to be exact) that hangout all the time. We’re all either finished with school or in grad school. Except one, who is 25, lives with his parents, works a piss poor retail job, and is not in school at all. How do we as friends go about telling him that he kinda needs to either get a well paying job (there are plenty around the area that we live) or get in school and take it seriously?”
Do you think your fuck up friend doesn’t know he’s a fuck up?
I think the question you need to explore is why are his ambitions so limited? Giving him a, “Hey, don’t be such a fuck up pep talk,” isn’t likely to motivate him to change his behavior. And it might cause him to withdraw from hanging out with you guys as much.
The fact that he has good friends who are succeeding in life should, in theory, motivate him to do the same since most people have friends who are similar t them.
That’s why I think you need to figure out what his goals are. What does he want that he doesn’t have now and what is he doing to make that a reality? And you also need to be careful assuming he isn’t working on something else and ashamed to share it with you guys. What if he’s living at home right now, working a piss poor retail job, and also at work on the great American novel but ashamed to tell you of his writing pursuits? What if he’s got some depression or mental health issues right now that he isn’t comfortable sharing with you?
Most people have some degree of ambition, I think you just need to figure out what his life goals are and try to encourage him in their pursuit.
Girls, frequently, are big helps here too. Without the biological lure of trying to get the hottest possible girls to sleep with you, we’d all still be living in the caves.
As you get older girls gravitate towards guys who are successful, which is why so many men pursue success as aggressively as they do. Most desirable women don’t want to date a guy who lives at home with his mom and works a piss poor retail job at 25. But they certainly don’t want this at 30 or 35.
No hot girl has ever been like, “Yeah, I want to fuck the 34 year old guy who makes $6.50 at Hot Topic so bad! He’s such a badass.”
“So I have a female coworker that I work with quite a bit and is also part of my work friend group. She’s very cool/fun to be around and also happens to date one of my buddies from college. There is a problem though. She smells.
I’d be able to handle/understand it if she only smelled bad later in the day or something like that, but she literally smells bad at all times and its starting to get to the point where I try and avoid her. My question for you is, is there a way to address this situation? She has some really close girl friends that are also coworkers and they have to be aware of her stench as well.”
Hold up, she dates one of your buddies from college? Is he totally unaware of the stench? I think you bring this up casually with him one night at the bar and claim that you had to break up with a girl because of how she smelled. (You can claim her vagina smelled too bad, which is basically every girl’s worst dream). Then use this as a leaping off point to ask your buddy with the stinky girlfriend, “Have you ever had the issue of dating a girl who smelled? I just didn’t know what to do. What would you have done?”
If he ignores your opening to mention his current girlfriend’s odor issues then I think you tell the girls at work and see what their response is. Most guys have a way worse sense of smell than women do so if you can smell it they have to smell it too.
Whatever the case may be, I think you have to keep quiet. What’s the real benefit here for you? If you tell a stinky girl that’s she stinky and then she starts to stink less how much actual benefit do you get? And that’s a best case scenario. The more likely scenario is she hates you for the rest of your life and whatever relationship you had with her prior to this conversation is over forever. Because she’d be mortified by the conversation and never speak to you again, either out of total shame or raging fury.
“Myself and my two best friends from college have been entering the Masters ticket lottery for several years now.  Since the first year we entered, we determined that if one of us got tickets we would all go together.  This was talked about for years.  This year one of us won and got 4 tickets.  He tells us he won but strangely absent is any more discussion about us all going.
Fast forward to last week, we both get an email from him explaining that he is taking his father (understandable), his best friend from high school and his brother in law (at his wife’s insistence). How big of a screw job is this? How much trash talking are we allowed to give him? And what should he have to do to make this right?”
I think it’s a minimal screw job at best.
To his credit at least he explained it to you. As you guys noted taking his dad makes total sense and I suspect he has to take his brother in law to avoid his wife cutting him off from sex. That leaves one spot. Since he has two best friends from college he elected to take his best friend from high school instead of either of you. Which, to be honest, is kind of a perfect compromise. Because otherwise he’d have to pick between the two of you and that would be awful.
I actually don’t feel like you can rip him too bad here. My best guess is his life circumstances changed since he began entering the ticket lottery. When you guys started he probably wasn’t married, now he is. So he has one less spot than he’d been planning in his head.
Having said that, I think he definitely owes you, at minimum, some Masters gear from inside Augusta.
And how about you guys take some initiative here? You can buy practice round passes online for the same day for several hundred bucks and go with him.
Why not the two of you stop being such woe is me pussies and buy your own damn tickets?
Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
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