Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag. As always send your emails to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.
“You think anyone has ever watched porn on the Jumbotron inside a stadium or arena?
I would be kind of pissed off if I ever found out that at no point in time did a stadium worker sneak in after hours to Jerry World and watch some porn on the big screen.
You think it’s ever happened?”
I think it’s 100% happened.
Maybe not in an amorous fashion, but I can see someone having a bachelor party, for instance, and a montage video having been made for him that features porn as part of the bachelor party weekend festivities. To be safe you’d probably need to do it in a enclosed arena or stadium that’s owned by the team owner.
Otherwise it would turn into a huge public scandal.
So Jerry World is the perfect possibility.
Do I think someone has had a bachelor party at Jerry World and played, for instance, a flag football game on the Cowboys field and then had a video tribute featuring porn mixed in? 100%.
Do I think a guy and girl have put on porn and had sex underneath the jumbotron? I think that’s less likely. But still probably has happened too.
I also think it has to be somebody very wealthy who has access to the AV system. Those stadiums and arenas are so big and have so many employees how could you know that everyone was cleared out of the building? Because you know a clip of porn at JerryWorld would go viral. So I think it would need to be an owner or top executive that had swept the building.
Several years ago a girl at the Texas A&M-Arkansas game had her top fall down while she was on the jumbotron at Jerry World. Then she wrote an anonymous column for Outkick about what the experience was like to have had, if only for an instant, the biggest boobs in the world.
If I owned a team I’d be less interested in watching porn on the jumbotron and more interested in playing video games. Can you imagine sitting in the owner’s suite at Jerry World and playing old school Tecmo Super Bowl on the jumbotron against one of your buddies?
Come to think of it, are there any Cowboys employees reading this right now? Can we make this happen and broadcast it live on Outkick?
“I am a government attorney in REDACTED BLUE CITY, so you can imagine that my office is fairly liberal. I fancy myself to be somewhat of a Radical Moderate like yourself, but I am used to being viewed as a right wing nut from time to time for my moderate views. I am also white. Now to get to my story. The other day I gave my coworker (who is also my neighbor) a ride to work.
Later, she texted me thanks for the ride. I responded with a “thumbs up” emoji. My (white) coworker FREAKED OUT because the emoji was black. She said it was completely offensive for me to use a black emoji.
I pointed out that the default iPhone emoji is Bart Simpson-yellow, and even more so, wouldn’t it be even more offensive if I specifically made a point to only select white emojis for my texts? Others in the office gathered around the ruckus, and after explaining the story EVERYONE agreed that my usage of black-emojis was offensive and I needed to stop. I’m not coming to you for advice here because no way in hell am I changing my emoji usage to appease my coworkers, but is this totally ridiculous or what? I’ve started #EmojiGate.”
Can you culturally appropriate an emoji?
I just, I mean, I weep for our country when I consider modern controversies. Everyone is so woke that they are trying desperately hard to be offended by everything possible.
I’ve never sent an emoji because I’m a grown man whose penis works, but the fact that this is offensive now is proof, to me, that we’ve reached the end of all racism discussions in this country.
Martin Luther King was assassinated fifty years ago tomorrow. Imagine if you pulled him aside and said, “We’ve got some serious racism issues in 2018, MLK. White people are texting black people thumb’s up emojis. How do you recommend we solve this?”
I feel confident MLK would respond, “I recommend all of you you stop being such pussies and work on actual issues facing the country today.”
“Last week my buddies and I went to NYC for a bachelor party. We are all in our late 20s and are all in serious relationships outside of my one buddy.
The single one has a good job and is very likable/sociable but his success with woman isn’t good. He has never been in a relationship and the feeling is he might be a virgin. (We are confident he was several years ago but he has since moved out of state)
As most bachelor parties do, we ended up in a strip club Saturday night after drinking all day. The majority of the strippers were Eastern European and spoke limited English but the single buddy started to talk to one of the strippers who actually spoke English and got several dances with her.
It was obvious our single buddy was into her so after I talked to my other buddies, I approached her about potentially coming back to the hotel at the end of the night for him. (It’s important to note several of the European chicks offered sexual favors without socialization earlier in the night). She didn’t give a direct answer at the time but she seemed to be willing and said to talk to her later on about it.
Our single buddy got word of this was and quite pissed and we ended up leaving the strip club before it closed at 4 am as he said no longer wanted to stay.
It has not been talked about since but it is our sense our single buddy is still pissed about it. It seems to the rest of us this wasn’t a big deal and we were just trying to get him some action to improve his confidence. Is something we were in the wrong for and if so, should we discuss it with him and apologize?”
I only see two options here: 1. your buddy actually liked the girl and thought she liked him too and was upset that you guys tried to buy her affection for him or 2. he’s gay.
The first option here is evidence of naivete. If you are in your late 20’s and still think a stripper likes you, you need to understand how the game is played. She likes you because you have money to spend. She may like you outside the strip club too, but if that’s the case, and it’s highly unlikely, it’s also because you have money to spend. Strippers are like slot machines, they only light up when you give them money.
And just like a slot machine doesn’t love you, neither does a stripper.
It’s not personal, it’s just business.
Now the other option here is that he might be gay. Which is perfectly fine and normal, but also would help to explain the awkwardness around women and his lack of success with them. If your buddy is in his upper 20’s, is successful at his job, and is very likable and social, have you considered the fact that he might not like women? Because otherwise women should be chasing him.
So maybe he’s gay.
I had a friend in college who didn’t come out as gay until we were all well into our thirties. It didn’t surprise any of us when it happened because he’d never dated or hooked up with any girls and we all just assumed he was gay. But he would go to the strip club and get lap dances.
I think he was working on processing his feelings and becoming comfortable with his own sexual desires. And when everyone else you’re friends with is heterosexual that can be challenging. (He wasn’t dating guys either, FYI. At least not publicly.)
And now he seems perfectly happy and he’s the exact same guy he always was beforehand he’s just publicly gay now.
I should add that there’s one additional possibility — and this is something we thought might be in play here too — that he’s just asexual. That is, he just doesn’t care that much about sex. This isn’t incredibly common, but I do think some guys — and girls — just don’t have that strong of sexual desires and aren’t interested in sex at all.
I think that’s the least likely of the three options, but it’s certainly possible.
“About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. However, they found it early and surgery seemed successful. About 2 years ago we found it had spread to my liver and maybe my lungs (the lung spots show up on scans, but are too small to biopsy). So my question, what bucket list items do you recommend for someone that at any moment may be told they don’t have much time left? (I am not there yet, so far treatment is working).”
Man, talk about a buzzkill.
Everyone else is writing in with all their problems with strippers and emojis and you might have lung cancer and potentially only have a few months to live. (Even though I hope your treatment continues to go well because I hate cancer and death more than anyone alive today.)
First, and I know this sounds crazy, but I think knowing when and how you are going to die is a blessing of sorts. I wouldn’t want to know what day I will die decades in advance, but I’d love to know if I were going to die that I only had a year or six months left to live. I believe there’s a benefit in knowing how your story will end before it actually ends.
That allows you to prepare everyone around you for that eventuality. I think it’s much easier to find out you have six months to live than to just die in a car accident with no forewarning to anyone at all. So it’s not a huge blessing, but it is a blessing.
After all, we’re all going to die. Three hundred years from now will it matter that much if you died in 2018 or 2048 to anyone alive then? Probably not at all. And every time you think you really matter in the world, just look at how the world keeps right on moving even when incredibly famous people die.
So if I were told that I only had a few months left to live, the first thing I’d do is is work much less. Right now I’m planning on dialing out of work around sixty years old, so I’ve got a solid twenty more years of public life and work. Would I get up at 415 every morning and keep doing daily radio if I knew I only had six months left to live? No way. Would I still write daily articles on Outkick? I think that’s doubtful too. I’d want to focus on something more lasting than both these things.
I love what I do for a living, but it’s ephemeral. I do my best job on a three hour daily radio show and then it’s gone. The same thing is true of the anonymous mailbag or any other article on the Internet. In a week very few people will care about this content, in a month almost no one will. That’s because there’s always another day or another article coming.
And that’s how I make my living, but if I knew I had very little time left to live I’d focus on my family, my kids in particular.
I spend lots of time with my kids already — way more than most dads — but I’d dial out on social media and the cycles of day to day life and spend more time preparing my kids for what life without me might be like. I’ve already done this in some ways on a financial front, but I’d be concerned with how they would emotionally handle me facing death.
I’d also try every possible experimental treatment to try and prolong my life. I’m not a guy who fears death, but I think once you become a parent you really fear not being there for your kids when they are young. I’m a pretty good dad for my boys and I’d feel awful about how my sickness made them feel so I’d try to prepare them for life without me.
I’d also do everything I could to prolong my life for as long as I possibly could. A few extra months doesn’t sound like very much to a grown adult, but six extra months of life is huge for a three year old or a seven or ten year old.
And I think that would be the most difficult for them is just that lack of physical presence. The fact that dad’s not there. So that’s what I’d try to address remaining present in their lives even if I wasn’t physically present.
How would I do that?
I’m a writer so I’d probably write a book just for my boys. Something that told them about my life, my life with their mom, my life with them, the kind of life lessons I had learned throughout my life to that point. I’d put everything I had into that book in the hopes that whenever they missed me they could open the book and be reminded what I sounded like. (I write the exact same way as I speak. In other words, I’ve tried to make my spoken voice and my written voice almost indistinguishable so in their head it would sound like dad was talking to them).
And I’d probably also record videos wishing them congrats at important birthdays, graduations, their weddings, the birth of their kids, and entrust my wife to save these videos and share them with them when they reached those milestones in their lives.
So that’s me.
Now I don’t know if you have kids or not, but if I didn’t have kids, I’d want to spend as much time as possible with my friends and family. I love to travel so I might schedule trips with my best friends. But if my health was at issue, I’d also be fine just staying close to home and living my life with them in that manner.
And I would also fight like hell not to die.
Because I’d view my fight against cancer as a way to hopefully not just prolong my own life but potentially prolong the lives of others who have similar illnesses.
Personally, I’ve always loved this moment from the esteemed film Young Guns 2.
To me, “I shall finish the game,” means your goal should be to approach death like you lived life. If you’re living life correctly, you should already be doing what you love. Just do more of it in your final days.
Now that everyone’s out there wiping tears from the corners of their eyes in the anonymous mailbag, let’s discuss office bathroom ethics.
“So I have a question that my buddies and I are split on? When I go to the bathroom at work or even in public (very rare as I don’t is public restrooms) I take my pants off and hang them on the door or hook. My buddies think I am crazy but here’s the deal, #1 I don’t want my pants touching the floor or getting wrinkled and #2 it’s way more comfortable to be able to get a wider stance for some good pushing if you know what I mean! Please let me know if I am crazy wise one!”
The way I approach public bathroom use is this, if someone looked through that little crack in the stall and saw me inside the stall, would they be freaked out by what they saw inside.
If the answer is yes, then I don’t think you can do it.
That’s why you can’t take your pants completely off and sit in a public bathroom. Plus, your pants don’t get that wrinkled. I mean, I understand the logic of your decision, but I’d be less likely to promote a guy if I found out he took his pants completely off at work when he pooped.
And everyone at your work would think you were really weird if they looked into the stall and saw you sitting there with no visible pants.
“So I got married last year and everything thing is fine. Except last year about a month before our wedding one of my wife’s best friends and me made out while we were both fucked up. I would like to blame it on her but I’m pretty sure it was mutual.
Fast forward to this year and my wife and this girl are in the same wedding and the girl texted me “what’s up” the other day. Haven’t seen or spoken to her since. Is this chick playing mind games or wtf is going on. What’s my next move? Deny? Lie?”
You have to pretend this never happened.
If this girl ever brings up that night with your wife, you have to deny it ever happened and call the other girl crazy and say she tried to kiss you, but you left her alone that night and didn’t tell your wife about it because they are such good friends you didn’t want to end their friendship over her friend’s drunken stupidity.
Then you seem like a good guy.
Even though you’re a liar.
(If you really want to get ahead of the story you could “confess” about the girl trying to kiss you and show her the text message before the wedding, claiming that she was still pursuing you. That would probably save you from any danger, but you’d be creating World War III among the bridesmaids).
Whatever you do, don’t tell the truth. Because no wife in America wants to hear that her husband and one of her best friend’s made out a month before the wedding. Ever. At least not after the wedding happens. Some fiancees might want to know so they could call off the wedding.
Regardless, you both take that shit to your graves. And if one of you eventually feels the need to confess, the other one publicly brands the other one a crazy liar and claims it never happened.
That’s the only way to play this going forward.
Contrary to the popular aphorism, honesty is not always the best policy.
Sometimes it is, in fact, the worst policy.
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