Anonymous Mailbag

But before we get rolling with the anonymous mailbag, it’s time to get your financial house in order with my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert. Right now if you sign up for a mortgage and close out the process by the end of the month, I will give you a free room and passes to Outkick the Weekend. So why wouldn’t you act now? Go prequalify, refi, or get a brand new mortgage today.

As always, send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

Big news in the Outkick universe, we are having Outkick the Weekend in Las Vegas on August 23rd-26th at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. And all of you should come hang out.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag.

“What do you believe the percent is of children who have a different father than what they are led to believe? How many kids are running around calling the wrong guy dad because their mother slept with someone else, got pregnant, never admitted it to their husband, and went on their merry way like nothing happened? We initially thought 10 percent – because that scenario just doesn’t seem all that far fetched. Now we’ve lowered it to 5 percent. One out of 20 seems possible, right? On a side note, how many fathers reading this question are immediately starting to wonder if their child(ren) are actually their own?”

I’m pretty confident two out of three of my kids are my own, but the third is a bit of a crapshoot. He’s awfully blond and awfully fair skinned to be mine. We may need to have a DNA test just to be sure.

According to science, 1 in 25 kids have a different dad than they had been led to believe. This would mean 4% of all children have different dads than they have been told. That seems really high to me, but science has also found that babies who look like the father are more cared for than babies that don’t look like the father. So it’s probably a biological fear that has existed for as long as humans have.

After all, from a purely biological perspective, does a man want to share his limited resources with a child that isn’t his? Of course not. Purely looking at things from a biological perspective the only reason we exist is to ensure our own children survive after us.

What I’d be interested to know is how often is it happening in marriages because those are the more scandalous events. I don’t think it’s that much of a surprise that a single woman who is sleeping with multiple men might get the father wrong. (Or, even more likely, pick the man she thinks would be the most supportive father and tell him he’s the dad.)

I would suspect that with the advent of affordable and cheap DNA testing that we’ll actually get a better approximation of the odds of this happening. When you put in your DNA test results and find out your family members are not all your family members that has to be jaw dropping.

And I bet that’s happening all over the world on a regular basis.

Yikes.

“I’m in my mid 30s and my wife and I are expecting our first child later this year.  Needless to say, we’re both very happy and excited for the next chapter.
We have a number of nieces and nephews, and as many families do there are different group texts we’re all part of – many of these of course circulate pictures of everyone’s kids.  Recently we received pictures from my bro-in-law of his daughters, approximately 7 and 8, at their softball game.  All of the girls (not just batters) were wearing full helmets WITH face masks, including those in the outfield.  My jaw dropped.  I’ve seen our other nieces and nephews play at this age, nobody’s ripping line drives to left that warrant this type of equipment.  The whole game is little dribblers that barely make it through the infield.
As I said I’m pumped to be a dad.  And I recognize that being a successful one is going to require levels of patience that I can’t even comprehend yet.  I’ve tried to start to practice more patience now with my pregnant wife and just let the small stuff slide, I’m getting better at it.  But that picture really bothered me, the thought of raising a kid when they are so ridiculously protected frustrates me and scares me at the same time.  And the trend only seems to be getting worse.  The discussion you and Whitlock had regarding masculinity being under siege last week came to mind – and I should mention that we don’t know the sex of the baby yet, but to me it’s not a boy vs girl thing.  Certainly if we have a boy I want him to have the necessary masculine qualities, but if it’s a girl I also want her to be independent and strong and not overprotected every step of the way.
My question is not so much about the face masks per se, this might be just something specific that our area does with their youth leagues (at least I hope the whole country hasn’t adopted this “safety measure” yet).  My question is more big picture – what advice would you give to a first time dad that understands times are different from 30 years ago, but also thinks that a little bit of adversity and vulnerability builds character?”
It’s crazy to me that any kid would wear a helmet with a facemask for little league baseball or softball even to bat — the coach is pitching and the coach isn’t typically headhunting, although one of the funniest moments of little league is when a kid accidentally gets hit by the coach in coach pitch — but to wear a helmet with a mask in the field is patently absurd.
I don’t even know what to say about this, the idea itself is so indefensibly ridiculous that I wouldn’t let my kids play in this league. The fact that all parents have acquiesced to this is mind boggling to me.
I help coach seven and eight year old boy’s baseball and occasionally there are kids who come up and rip the ball, but there’s like one kid on each team who can actually hit the ball hard. And there’s an important lesson here — put the glove in front of your face and it can’t hit you there. Otherwise you’ll be fine.
I’d just tell you that these kinds of leagues are rare. Certainly I haven’t heard of them in Tennessee. I can’t imagine they are common anywhere in the South. Have any of you heard of similar rules for little league elsewhere? If so, this is crazy.
By the way, there’s always the possibility this is actually an incredibly caring move and one of the girls had brain cancer or something like that and the only way she could play little league was by wearing this helmet all the time and all the other little girls did this to make her feel better. In which case I will look like an asshole for responding to this question this way.
So the important thing you should take away here is I hate cancer more than anyone else on the planet. And I hate kids getting cancer more than anyone in the universe.
Otherwise these helmets are insanely dumb. Speaking of which, everyone buys their own helmet now. Why? When I was a kid no one’s helmet ever fit and we all toughed it out. But I bet when we were playing my dad’s generation was probably thinking, “Why do these pussies need helmets anyway? It’s little league, no one is throwing 100 miles an hour at them.”
So I think the lesson here, as always, is being a pussy is contagious. So is, by the way, pussy itself, since the more girls who sleep with you the more girls want to sleep with you. So you give and you take. That’s life.
“So I was seeing this girl with a cat and every time we’d hookup I’d ask her to put the cat in another room, but she never wanted to. Now I’m not a cat person in general but I really don’t like the idea of my junk hanging out around an animal that likes to bat and claw at things.
Especially when the girl who owns and feeds the thing is covered in scratch marks. It bothered me enough that it actually threw me off in the bedroom. So my question is, is this an acceptable phobia to have? And also, what other pets could a girl have that would freak you out if they were roaming around the room while you’re having sex?”
If a girl had a pet snake I wouldn’t date her. I’m not even kidding about this, I hate snakes. No way I could sleep in a room with a snake in that room too. I don’t care how hot the girl was, I’d be out of that relationship in an instant.
Because you know what? THE SNAKE ALWAYS GETS OUT OF THE CAGE.
Always!
Every single person with a snake has a a story about the snake escaping and being lost. There are plenty of good looking girls without snakes. People are always like, “What if (insert hot girl) had a snake?” Well, I wouldn’t date her. If you can get one hot chick, you can get another hot chick. That’s science.
As for the cat, I’m allergic to them so I would have been out on that relationship too. But I do think you’re being a pussy because what’s a cat really going to do to you?
Anyway, I’m not really an animal person. I like people. I’ve got three kids, why the hell would I want an animal to take care of too?
Animals are a waste of time to me. Except goldfish, I’m okay with goldfish.
“The other day after having sex, my girlfriend asked me if I knew what her vagina looked like, and I told her I did not. She freaked out and thought that I was crazy because I did not know specifically what her vagina looked like. She said that she knew exactly what my dick looked like, and could even draw a picture of it from memory (thankfully she did not do that). Am I crazy for not knowing exactly what her vagina looks like?”

I don’t really understand, did she want you to draw a picture of her vagina as if it were different than other vaginas?

 

Seriously, I’m at a loss as to what your girlfriend expects you to be able to draw here. The penis is an external object easily visible to everyone — hopefully — whereas most of the vagina is internal. You should have countered by saying you could draw her boobs from memory since the boobs and penis are similar in this respect. In fact, you could tell her that you could draw every girlfriend’s boobs from memory because you still masturbate to times you had sex with her, but that’s probably best to keep quiet.

If she insists on genital drawings, you should draw a picture of a huge cave and then drawn a picture of a flashlight inside that cave and then say, “This is your vagina and here’s my penis.”

Because there are lots of small penis jokes, but no one ever makes fun of big vaginas. (Other than Larry David in Curb). This way you can hit both with the same joke.

Of course your girlfriend might be upset so you could also draw a gigantic banana swallowed up by a banana peel and say, “Voila, my penis completely servicing every inch of your vagina.”

That will also be a lie, but then you can make a big penis and a tight vagina joke.

Basically what we’re getting to here is drawing your partner’s sex organs is a bad idea. And so are simultaneous penis and vagina jokes. You can do one, but not the two together.

“So one of the guys in my group of friends has a wife who is crazy. She is a stay at home mom with their 3 kids ranging from 8 to 1 year old. She has decided to pursue one of those social media wellness careers, where you clog everyone’s Instagram feed with motivational quotes and pictures of yourself trying new things and being happy, all while offering mental ‘coaching’ on a retainer basis.

Our friend is very proud of his wife and starting to boast about her social following and how great it is to have likes in the thousands. I did a deep dive on her account and it is obvious what’s at play here – she’s buying IG followers who like and comment on her posts. Her posts are littered with likes by people that have 1 or 0 posts, non english language describing them, and then the comments posted on the pictures make no sense.

Our group of friends is starting to get annoyed, so I am looking for advice….what should we do? Does one of us call him out and break the news that his wife isn’t a social media influencer, but just buying likes which anyone can do or should we keep our mouths shut and just bite our tongues every time he brings it up? (which is often btw).”

If your friend is bragging about his wife’s social media influencer career they are probably going to get divorced soon anyway. This is next level desperation. Honestly, bragging about your spouse’s career in general is pretty lame. They’re your friends, do anyone really care about how a friend’s spouse is doing in their careers? I don’t remember the last time one my guy friends talked about his wife’s career at all. And I don’t think this is a sexist thing. I have no idea what women do when they hang out, but that seems like a boring topic for women too.

I’m pretty sure my wife doesn’t brag about me to her girlfriends. Primarily because I’m not even sure my wife likes me.

Plus, I don’t get to spend that much time with my guy friend’s now, but if one of them starts off a conversation with, “Let me tell you about my wife’s new (insert any business or career move here) at all,” I’m bored as hell.

I’m not on Instagram, but it seems like that entire site is full of people with millions of followers, which makes no sense considering how many people could actually be interested in hot moms in yoga pants telling you to buy organic cereal? I mean, I’m interested in hot moms like everyone else, but I want them taking off the yoga pants and having sex on PornHub, not telling me to buy organic cheerios.

Plus, what matters isn’t how many people follow you on social media, it’s how many people follow you on social media and will do things you suggest. For instance, we have an Outkick the Weekend coming up at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas on August 23rd-26th. It’s going to be awesome and you should come.

 

“At work today, a group of us were talking about death and the topic of Facebook came up and someone mentioned they were still friends with someone on Facebook that is now deceased.  
Another person involved in the conversation mentioned they had a friend that died and they have since unfriended that person on Facebook.  
I think it’s bad karma to unfriend a deceased friend on Facebook.” 
I was thinking about this the other day, will Facebook pages become the new gravestones?
For instance, if your kids were doing an ancestry project at school in twenty years, wouldn’t it be likely that the dead people would all have had Facebook pages? Think about my grandkids. They’d be able to go back all the way to their great-grandparents and look at all their Facebook pages.
And if this is the case shouldn’t Facebook allow you to have a death page? Like you could curate your page to show your family and friends who are left behind your favorite memories and moments collated as you see fit for perpetuity?
This has to be a big discussion inside Facebook, doesn’t it? There have to be millions of dead people with pages all over the site.
And what happens if you die and no one knows your password? Does Facebook ever deactivate accounts for inactivity or do they exist forever?
What a morbid way this would be to end the mailbag.
So let’s end with something more uplifting.

“My wife’s due soon with first kid.  Wife may have to have C-section.  Should I root for the C-section so she doesn’t have a big baby going down the chute?  I like it tight.” 

Aw, fuck it.

You’re all going to hell.

I’d root for the vaginal delivery since it’s much healthier and less likely to kill your wife.

Also, I’d root for a bigger penis, since it would always be tight that way.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.
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