Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to zap all your work productivity.

Okay, here we go with the anonymous mailbag:

As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

“So my group of friends and I have what we call an “Off Limits List.” The basic gist is, each person gets to pick 3 girls who they claim as off-limits to the others, meaning no one can go after said girl. If you want to add someone, you have to remove another from the list. You also get 1 “keeper”, which is a girl in a relationship, whom you get first dibs at when she becomes single. We made our initial list via draft and now when someone wants to pick up a new girl he has to drop an old girl off his list. 
Now, obviously serious exes don’t have to be part of the list, those are givens. But there have been some disputes. For example, if a girl hits on me first and she’s on my friend’s list, is it fair game? I think it is, but a couple people disagree. 
Anyways, I was wondering if you might have any input to the lists or any suggestions of ground rules we should establish.”
I think this list is crazy. The rules should be as follows — whoever can get as many girls to sleep with them as possible wins.
That’s it, that’s the only rule.
Every man should follow this rule until he is in a serious relationship or married.
So, of course, if a girl on somebody’s list hits on you, she’s fair game. The girls aren’t part of a collective bargaining agreement here where you and your friends have tied up their draft rights for the foreseeable future. In fact, the girls don’t even know this draft exists.
Furthermore, imagine if the girls had done this and none of your lists overlapped. Then in theory no one would ever sleep with anyone. So this idea is dumb.
I will say, however, that conducting a college girl draft with your buddies would be a fun way to burn a Saturday. Grab a ton of beers, have a commissioner, each of you gets a franchise and is put on the clock and then you draft the hottest girls on campus.
When every girl is announced her Instagram account is flashed on the screen as her highlight reel.
At the end of the draft everyone votes on who drafted the best team.
And for the people who want to inevitably scream, “That’s sexist!” every time guys comment on girl’s looks these days, girls can do the same thing.
In fact, if I was in charge of a fraternity or sorority, I’d make this a charity event.
Boom, everybody wins.

“My wife and I have been married 2 years.  We have a seemingly normal sex life and have never been swingers or bisexual.  She recently asked me if I would be interested in adding another girl into the bedroom, I told her that every man would want 2 girls if they had a chance.  I’m not very adventurous in the bedroom but this has my head spinning.  She said the other girl couldn’t be anyone that we know. So I’ve got a couple questions- 
1) how/where do we meet a girl that would be interested in this?
2) should I be worried that my wife may enjoy the girl on girl and switch teams?”

Let’s take these questions in reverse order: girls don’t have to switch teams because girls who like other girls are awesome. So it’s highly unlikely that your wife, who married you, is going to suddenly decide she’s a lesbian because she has a threesome with you and another girl.

Here’s the other thing, half of all marriages end in divorce. I’m honestly not sure there is a better way to have a marriage end than your wife deciding she’s a lesbian after a series of torrid threesomes alongside you with a variety of women. Which then leads to your wife becoming a lesbian nymphomaniac and abandoning her interest in men.

Do you really lose that much here? Yes, you’re divorced, but it wouldn’t be through any fault of your own. As long as you don’t have kids, I see this as the best possible way that any marriage could end.

Plus, again, the odds of your wife switching teams are minimal.

I’ve written about this quite a bit, but the sexes are different here and I think this issue, more so than any other, sums it up perfectly.

If your wife comes to you and says she’s turned on by other women and wants to have a threesome, just about every husband is thrilled beyond belief and finds his wife even hotter. If your husband comes to you and says he’s turned on by other men and wants to have a threesome, just about every woman is disgusted and wants a divorce.

As for where you find a girl, that’s your wife’s job. But I’d suggest breaking the ice by going to Vegas and letting her pick an escort there.

Have fun…until your wife leaves you and becomes a lesbian.

“I’m in my mid 30’s divorced with a kid. I recently was transferred by my company to a well known SEC town and life has been good. I developed a great relationship with a beautiful, sexy coed. Way out of my league but it was great. We hit it off great in every area especially the bedroom where we did lots of really fun kinky sex including anal sex and some mild ass play amongst other things. This went on for about 6 months and we even developed feelings for each other. Until a few weeks ago when she told me what she wanted to do. She asked to blow me while i was on the toilet taking a shit!  She said this was a fantasy she had and never told anyone but really wanted to do. Well I immediately called it quits and she was terribly hurt because we had prided our relationship on being honest and non-judgementally to each other.  I felt bad somewhat and i have kept her secret and always will because i did care for her. So my question is this the absolute worst fetish possible and how fucked up  psychologically is this issue?”

You’re in your mid 30’s, divorced and an SEC coed wants to blow you.

Unless she wants to blow you on top of the dead body of a person you murdered together or inside of a bank vault while both of you rob that bank, I’d shut up and let her blow you.

More seriously, some people have strange fetishes. Breaking up because someone shares one with you that you don’t like the idea of is a total pussy move.

Decline and move on if you’re so troubled by a partner’s request.

Put it this way, if every woman left a man every time he asked her to do something she didn’t want to do sexually, there would be no marriages in this country.

“I was recently on an international flight and there was a mom traveling solo with 2 children and a baby (maybe 6 months). About 2 hours into the flight, I smelled the most horrible stench, I’m talking absolutely rancid, and its power grew by the second.   

After looking around, I realized this woman a row in front of me is changing her baby’s diaper in her seat. A quick glance around the cabin and I spotted no less than 7 people physically covering their mouth and nose to avoid the smell (it was honestly horrific). The scent lingered for about 5 minutes and finally dissipated, but nobody ever said anything to the woman, although I was rooting for a flight attendant to say something. I have friends judging me hard for not showing as much sympathy as they did for her. So the question is this, is this okay behavior for her to do, or should she have figured out a way for this to take place in the bathroom of the plane where her fellow passengers are not exposed?”
Many people are going to focus on the poop here, but I’m focused on the kids.
You’ve got a mom on an international flight with three kids, one of whom is a small baby. My first thought is god bless her for traveling with three young kids solo on an international flight. I have three kids and every parent who has traveled with their kids has a horror story about airplane travel with those kids.
My worst story? When our first kid was a year and a half old, we were flying from Houston back to Nashville. It was an evening flight and my wife had put our son in his pajamas expecting him to fall asleep. He was so young he sat in our laps and as soon as she handed him to me, he threw up all over both of us. I mean, just puke everywhere. I’m covered, my wife has some on her, it’s a puke explosion.
So we try to clean up, but my wife has checked our bags and our son has no other clothes. So he has to fly the entire way back in just a diaper and I have to fly back covered in puke with him sitting in my lap. (Eventually he fell asleep on top of me. Honestly, I was most proud of myself for not also starting to puke when he puked on me because then we could have had a neverending cycle of puke disaster).
I bring that up to say, sometimes parents get caught in tough situations with young kids. So my best guess as to why she’s changing the diaper in her seat is because she’s afraid of her two other kids turning into hellions while she’s not there to watch them. Plus, the airplane bathroom is so tiny it’s virtually impossible to change a baby in there. (Or so I’m told by my wife. Fortunately, I’ve never had to do it myself.)
Having said that, I think the right move is to change the diaper in the bathroom. But if you’re traveling solo and you have, let’s say, a two and three year old also with you, this woman might have thought she was making the best possible decision by doing it at her seat. Not knowing her children — maybe they both panic if their mom isn’t right beside them on an airplane — that might have been the right decision.

“I travel a lot for work (military) so sometimes I am away for months at a time. I love my family, so obviously, I really look forward to coming home. One of the best reasons is that it’s like my wife and I are back on our honeymoon. I feel super lucky that after 15+ years of marriage, my wife and I are still great in bed. The problem I have is, during the first couple times, my wife cry-maxes. She gets super emotional about our reunion and cries during it. This is my only complaint about our love life. I have two questions for you, 1) is this at all normal? 2) Am I a jerk that I’m not that emotional and that this kinda bugs me?”

I haven’t heard of this happening, but sex, especially for women, can be emotional so it’s not a huge surprise for me that something like this could happen.

I’m also not surprised that you don’t want to see your wife crying while you have sex.

Having said that, I certainly wouldn’t want to bring this up with her or say that it bothers you. After all, you’re having honeymoon sex fifteen years after you got married.

Why screw this up by making an issue of something that I bet your wife wishes wasn’t happening too?

My advice is always this — if things are going great in your marriage, don’t open your mouth and make things stop going great in your marriage.

Send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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