Anonymous Mailbag

It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag.

I’m taking the boys to Tennessee Titans training camp this morning so football season, as far as I’m concerned, is officially here.

But in the meantime I’ve got the anonymous mailbag to help pass your time.

Before we get started with the anonymous mailbag, I want to ask you a question: do you have way too much credit card debt? If you do, and you own your own home, you need to contact my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert and let him wipe out that credit card debt you’re carrying at high interest rates and replace it with a very low interest rate mortgage. Seriously, if you have credit card debt, own a home, and are carrying that credit card debt around month to month with insanely high interest rates, it’s time to get out of the debt crunch and make a smart financial decision. Go to The HomeLoanExpert.com today and get a new mortgage.

As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed:

“A few weeks ago, I was in a car wreck (don’t worry, nobody was hurt). My phone was in the passenger seat, and during the wreck it collided with the dash and was destroyed.

When filing an insurance claim, I used my wife’s phone while waiting on my replacement. I got the insurance adjuster’s cell phone and stored it in my wife’s phone as “Sam’s insurance guy.” Obviously Sam is not my real name, but let’s just say I have a fairly uncommon name so my wife had nobody else named “Sam” in her phone.

Fast forward 2 weeks. I’m out of town for work (still using a rental car), and my phone has been replaced. That Thursday night, my wife goes out for drinks with some friends. She gets home relatively late and decides to send me a nude photo. Keep in mind she’s only done this two times in the 7 years we’ve been married, and each time it’s been the same story: I’m out of town and she’s gotten a little drunk with her friends.

But she doesn’t send it to me. She accidentally sends it to “Sam’s insurance guy.” She’s never met the guy. After I didn’t respond, she obviously checks her texts and realizes her mistake. She calls me in a frenzy and tells me the story.

Now I have to deal with this insurance adjuster because my car is not yet fixed. So my question is: how do I play this? Do I talk insurance with the guy and pretend like nothing happened, or do I explain the story? I’m trending towards telling the guy it was a mistake. My wife is horrified, but down deep I think it kind of funny. What’s your advice?”

First of all, if you don’t get top dollar coverage here, your insurance guy is definitely gay. (Or your wife looks really bad naked.) Every time your insurance rates go up for the next twenty years, you have to hand your wife the bill and say. “Get us a discount.”

Second, did the insurance guy respond? What if he thought it was someone else and just went back with a full on dick pick wearing his state farm uniform? Or he knew who it was and he texted back, “Like a good neighbor, my dick is here.”

Ultimately, I’d bet he had no idea who sent the picture. After all, do you really think he saved your number in his cell phone? How many people get your phone number when you’re an insurance agent? Hell, is it even his phone? He might have panicked over corporate seeing the picture and thinking he was sending nude photos from a work phone.

Also, have you seen the picture? Was it a typically discreet naked woman photo with her head chopped off or was she banging herself with a cucumber super close up? I think the type of picture matters here too.

If he’s never met your wife and her face isn’t in it, it’s really not that big of a deal. He probably just jerked off to the picture of your wife like a gentleman and saved it in his spank bank to use for the next four or five years.

So I’d probably just keep quiet about it if I were you.

Because otherwise what’s the conversation consist of?

You: “So, my wife sent you a naked photo the other night. That was by accident.”

Him: “Yeah, okay.” (nervous laughter)

I just don’t see anywhere else the conversation can go.

Plus, then things could get more creepy. Because then he definitely knows who sent the photo. And next thing you know he’s following your wife’s Instagram account and sending her a Facebook friend request.

It’s a hysterical story as is, but I think you should only tell your friends and tens of thousands of anonymous mailbag readers.

Otherwise, keep quiet.

“First, me and my wife’s sex life is pretty good. Or at least as good as you can ask for with 3 kids.

A few weeks ago I scooted over towards my wife in bed and she said “You haven’t done shit around the house lately.” She was right – I’d been sort of lazy.

So the next night I’m vacuuming shit, I’m doing the dishes, I’m giving the kids a bath (which I rarely do). I’m basically being Super Mr. Mom.

So that night in bed I scoot over looking for my payoff and my wife says “The only reason you helped around the house tonight is because you wanted some!” And she put her back to me to let me know I wasn’t getting any.

Clay – I was flabbergasted! So – if I’m a lazy bum I don’t get any because I’m not helpful. But if I work my butt off around the house I’m only doing it for sex.  How do I handle this situation?”

I’m not sure any anonymous mailbag story has ever summed up marriage better.

All you single guys reading the anonymous mailbag screenshot this message because it’s coming for you too.

Wives, god bless them, argue both sides of the same issue more than any people I’ve ever been around.

It’s uncanny how often my wife will argue the exact opposite one month compared to what she argued before.

I have been married 14 years now and I often make decisions around the house that are the exact opposite of what I would ordinarily do just because I’m trying to think like my wife. And do you know what happens? She often criticizes me for making the decision she would have made.

Here’s a newsflash for women, married or otherwise: virtually everything a man does is predicated on it increasing our odds for sex.

And women know this. They take advantage of the fact that they are selling something that men want. Last week my wife and I went out for drinks relatively late at night for us. We were on Mackinac Island and they were having an “All Black Party” (clothes not people) near our hotel from 10-2 AM. This is the least club-like environment of anywhere in America.

So I wanted to know who in the world would show up for this party at those hours on an island with no cars and a tiny year around population of mostly old white people? So we go there to drink — no one at all is there — and it’s getting close to midnight and I’m talking about how maybe they’re hoping for college kids to come by who are on the island working for the summer and I said if that were the case the college kids might still be pregaming to save money.

And my wife says she never paid for a drink in a bar her entire college career.

Not once!

And that she would be fine going to the bar with no money because she knew guys would buy her drinks.

#hotgirlprivilege really is undefeated.

But it just brings home, once more, how hot girls really have no idea how the world works. There isn’t even a close second in the world to hot girl privilege. Everyone else out there is arguing about racial privileges, get out of here, hot girls are a different world of privilege.

“I have an older brother who was always my idol. He was 6 years older, captain of the football and basketball team. He was a stud. Now he’s divorced with 3 kids and living at our moms house at 44. He’s a great dad and he coaches his kids and stuff, but he lives with our mom.

He’s become a loser. My mom won’t do anything because it’s her child, and he doesn’t seem compelled to leave but I’ve tried to tell him he’s gotta get out of our moms house. How do I do this tactfully without him never speaking to me again?”

Honestly, he may be incredibly depressed and/or cash poor so I think you need to tread carefully here.

Divorce is expensive and he’s probably paying now for his wife’s residence through alimony and he lost half of his 401k and savings and all those things. They probably had to sell the house. Not to mention he has three kids which are all incredibly expensive too.

And he may be lonely and depressed.

I stayed in my house all by myself for a week and I hated it. I was wandering around the house — which is usually insanely loud with my boys fighting and chasing each other and their friends over playing video games — and it was totally quiet.

All of my friends have young kids and none of them have any free time either so do you know what I ended up doing on Saturday night? I went day drinking with a buddy and then went to a kid’s cookout with him. I swear to God. There are like five couples there, ten kids three and under, and I just roll up with him — his wife and two kids are already there — total stranger’s house and I sit on the porch and drink beer and eat Mexican food with everyone.

And I was thinking, “God, being divorced would suck. What would I do? I’m 39. The random sex would be great, but as part of that random sex I’ve got to pretend to be friends with all these 25 year old’s I don’t know — come on, there’s no way I’m not immediately chasing 25 year old girls again — and I’d be the old, rich guy everywhere.

I’d have nothing in common with any of these kids, they’d be talking about trying to get their own apartments and I’d be getting ready to take my kids to college in a few years.

Worse, how long would it be until I saw my own boys out at the bar?”

I’ll be 46 when my oldest son goes to college.

I can’t even imagine what an earthshattering moment that is to turn around in a bar and see my kid having snuck into a bar with a fake ID and end up at the same place. (This could easily happen and not be that creepy at, say, an SEC football weekend on campus.)

This would, however, still pale in comparison to being out at a strip club and seeing your daughter stripping there. Thank God I don’t have daughters, but if I ever saw this happen, I might go straight to the free buffet and start sawing my wrist with the butter knife. I’m not sure how you go on with life at that point.

Anyway, my point here is I’m sure your brother didn’t dream of being a divorced 44 year old with three kids living at home with your mom, but is it that much better to be a divorced 44 year old living in an apartment or condo by yourself? If anything, being at your mom’s house probably means when his kids come over it feels more like a home with grandma and dad there together than it does in some brand new condo shagpad where dad has it designed all awkwardly by the 24 year old girl with daddy issues he’s banging.

So give him some time to get his life, financial or otherwise, back in order.

You telling him he’s a loser isn’t going to tell him anything he doesn’t already know and he may resent this in the years ahead.

If anything, honestly, put your focus on your nieces and nephews and be a cool uncle for them. Divorce sucks for kids; help them out instead of worrying about your brother.

“Four years ago this month, me and my buddy were in a threesome I set up with this girl I knew. Both of us were married at the time.  During the session I noticed my lady friend was really into my buddy, I finished up quickly and went to the garage to drink leaving them alone to have fun. 
They have been together ever since, he divorced his wife and bought a new home to live with threesome girl.  Now she is pregnant with his first ever child and they invited me and my fiancee to the wedding this September. My fiancee knows how those two meet, what she doesn’t know is that the hook up happened 1 week after I met her. Do you think we should go to the wedding?”
You’re worried that your fiancee — who knows your buddy met the mother of his child, and future wife, in a threesome you arranged while both of you are married — is going to judge you for this because it happened one week after you met?
Dude, she’s engaged to a guy who cheated on his wife via a threesome with his bet friend and now 2/3rds of that threesome is getting married and having a kid and you’re invited to their wedding.
If she’s fine with all of this, I don’t know what’s going to derail your relationship now. (Aside from another threesome with another girl when you and your buddy are both married again).
You should go to the wedding and have a good time, but wait a full year before you send a present.
Couples that get together in threesomes don’t typically have long shelf lives.
By the way, when you were drinking beer by yourself in the garage while your other married buddy had sex with the girl you set the threesome up with because she liked him better, this has to be a top ten moment to quietly contemplate your life’s decision-making while morosely swigging a beer, right?
Not only did you cheat on your wife in a male-male-female threesome, but the girl liked your buddy way better.
Ouch.

“Love the show and content.  Howard Stern, Colin Cowherd, and you are the only people on the radio worth listening to.

I’m 37 and married with a 3 year old.  Three years ago I left my job to go work with my uncle in his import and distribution company.  Long story short, if I can ride this out the company will eventually be 100% mine and I will pay $0 for it.  My uncle plans to retire in 8-10 years.  Currently it generates about $2M with net profits of around 9%. (4 employees). My current salary is $90K.

My wife is pushing me send our daughter to private school that costs a lot of money.  My question, is it worth it to hang in here making basically the same money or go get another job?  I have a BS degree and could work for any company doing anything because I’m not an idiot(way too many stupid people in society right now).

The allure of owning a company that is established and turnkey gets me excited but there is a short term sacrifice that has to be made. Being a business owner is it worth the wait or should I get back into the corporate world and make the “faster money.”

Several questions for you. First, are you sure you’re guaranteed to get the company when your uncle retires? Is this in writing? And what happens if your uncle decides to work for twenty more years instead of retiring in 8-10 years? That has to be a big part of your calculation. You might wait eight years and then find out your proposed takeover plan still has a decade left on it. Then you’re 45 years old and don’t really have that many other options.

Second, how stable is the business? Are you 100% confident the business will still be around in eight to ten years at the same or similar profit margin. Society is evolving rapidly, I have no idea what the next five years of my life as a business owner will look like. It can be hard to project any business that far out. What happens if the business declines precipitously and there isn’t much left to take over?

Third, how much more will you make as the business owner and how does that compare to what you think you could make elsewhere?

Finally, your kid is three years old. Why not move to a better school district, save the money on private school, and buy an asset — a home — that appreciates in value instead of just throwing away private school tuition? As someone who spent $20k plus on kindergarten for one kid and then put the other kid in public school for kindergarten, I can’t tell a substantial difference at all in their educations.

Private school is a great luxury to be able to afford, particularly when you get to higher levels of schooling, say 7th grade and up, but the difference between one kindergarten and another kindergarten is pretty insubstantial.

I’d buy a house in a better school district and spend your money that way if your wife is concerned about early elementary school education. This also helps you if you decide to have more than one kid since you don’t have to pay more for private school for each of those kids.

Good luck with the decision.

“A couple of my law school buddies bought the domain name BustyBots.com in hopes that someday sex robots will be such a large business that they can resell the domain to an interested company. That got us to thinking about how they will affect other areas of the XXX industry. My question is: how long do you think it will be before the brothel industry totally phases out real women and just uses robots? There’s less risk and you’d save a ton of money, but do you think they would have the same draw as real people?”

When I was in law school we all tried to cybersquat 2004 presidential campaigns by buying up candidates and their potential running mates followed by .com. I’m glad to see that cybersquatting remains popular with law school students trying to get rich quick.

I think sex robots have to be West World like in order to be popular.

In other words, they have to feel and look so much like real people it’s almost indistinguishable from real life.

Also, honestly, doesn’t having sex with a sex robot right after someone else feel really gross? It’s like being the fifteenth guy in a robot gang bang.

I don’t even like getting on an exercise machine if someone hasn’t wiped up their sweat and you want me to bang a robot right after some fat guy with herpes did?

No way.

I think I’m too much of a germaphobe for this.

Send your questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

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