Anonymous Mailbag

Plus, given the fact that it’s election day again, you probably need an escape from all of that.
Voila, the anonymous mailbag is here to save you.

If you want an autographed copy of the book you get a free autographed copy of the book as part of a yearly subscription to the VIP.

Week eleven college football picks are up on the VIP message board and we’re at over 57% winners so far this year.

The anonymous mailbag is presented by my guy Ryan Kelley at The Home Loan Expert. Own a home but also have too much credit card debt? Go to their website today and by this time next week your credit card debt can be wiped out and you can have a brand new low rate mortgage. Put your financial house in order just in time for football season by wiping out your credit card debt and visiting him today Also, if you use The Home Loan Expert and tell them Outkick and Clay Travis sent you, you get a free year’s VIP subscription.

If you have any anonymous mailbag questions you can email them to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed. Okay, here we go.

“I just got off the phone with my buddy, and the first thing I thought after hearing his story was, “I gotta tell Clay.”
My buddy is currently hosting his in laws at his house for the week. He’s putting his sons to bed while his father in law is taking a shower. His father in law gets out of the shower and informs everyone that the shower drain is clogged. My buddy asked him what happened, and the response he got made me spit out my beer. 
“I can’t smush all my poop down your tiny ass drain.”
At first my buddy thinks he’s joking, but sure enough, there’s shit and standing water in the tub. The weirdest part about this is his wife and mother in law don’t even see an issue. (The wife claims she doesn’t do it, but understands that some people do.) My buddy is irate at everyone: his in laws, his wife, his drain. He called me asking for help, and I’m speechless. 
My question is: do people do this? When I go to a hotel am I standing in shit? He and his wife have slept in my house and used my guest shower. If I did poop analysis in my tub would I have shit residue? Does Gregg need to seek a divorce? Help!”
I have never heard of anyone doing this in my entire life.
I mean, truly.

Much less doing it in someone else’s house, which just seems so disrespectful. Especially when you complain and tell your son-in-law he has to fix it?

I gotta be honest with you, when toddlers or babies shit in the bath, which happens if you have kids, that’s pretty disgusting to have to clean up. I mean, I have changed a ton of diapers in my days too and that entire process of diaper changing and butt wiping can gag you.

Poop is absolutely disgusting and grown man or woman poop is the worst kind of poop. (Except for baby diarrhea).

So I have to tell you, I think the wife did her husband wrong here. It’s her house too. Does she really want her dad pooping in the shower and ramming his feces down their drain? My wife gets mad when she sees me peeing in the shower, I think she’d file for divorce on the spot if she walked in and saw me squatting to poop in our shower.

And before some of you neanderthals out there tell me that all poop goes down the pipes anyway — no, it doesn’t, you’re wrong about this.

When you poop in the toilet there is a huge suction and pipe process designed to remove the feces from your house. When you poop in the shower you have a tiny drain that can get clogged. Plus, that tiny drain is already dealing with hair and shower waste.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but IT ISN’T MADE FOR POOP!

If my father in law pooped in the shower, I mean intentionally and not because he was 95 and no longer had control of his bowels, and then complained about the drain being too tiny after his poop clogged our drain I’m not sure I’d let him stay in the house any longer.

But I wouldn’t have that conversation with him, his daughter has to have this conversation with him. The fact that she considers this to be normal behavior is batshit crazy to me.

She has to police her degenerate, sociopathic father.

If I am her husband I am terrified that one quarter of my children’s genes came from him.

It’s pretty rare that I say something legal is totally unacceptable, but this is totally unacceptable.

“Clay, my 11 year old daughter found one of her old, unlocked iPads the other day and we noticed she was spending a lot of time on it. My wife and I couldn’t remember the passcode and when we asked my daughter, she snatched it away and said she didn’t know. 

Knowing something was up my wife figured out the code and checked what was on there. When we opened Safari, there were multiple pages of hard core porn. After the brief moment of panic thinking that I had previously used this old iPad to rub one out and forgot to erase my history, we figured out that she was innocently googling “naked kissing” and without safe search on, the results are immediately porn. She clicked the first result and kept clicking as an avalanche of red tube pages opened in front of her. 

It’s time to start the sex discussion with her but how can I erase the immediate memories of “lesbians fuck giant black cock” as her introduction to naked kissing.”

First, you don’t innocently search naked kissing.

She found what she was looking for. (Even if lesbians fucking giant black cock wasn’t her desired search terms.)

By the way, tough break here for her first boyfriend.

She now has the idea that all men have gigantic penises. That poor 16 year old kid is in for a world of hurt when she unzips his pants and starts immediately crying over how small it is.

Honestly, that kid is probably not going to have sex again until he’s thirty.

Props to your daughter, however, for not immediately blaming you for being the one looking at all the porn. It would have been a real wily (porn) veteran move by her to blame dad for being into the lesbians and giant black cocks.
Also, my kids have iPads and my wife let them put passcodes on them too and I think it’s one of the dumbest moves I’ve ever seen. I don’t even have a passcode on my own phone because I’m afraid I’d forget the passcode and get locked out.
But our kids have passcodes on their iPads? Insanity.
(The reason she let them have passcodes is so they each couldn’t use each other’s iPads when theirs ran out of juice. My kids are total savages when it comes to their battery charges. If my phone is under 50% I get nervous as hell, but these kids run their iPads to empty all the time. Makes no sense to me. How can you intentionally let a device die? My phone dying is my worst nightmare.)
“I work for a small company that is privately funded by Angel Investors. Since the beginning of the year we’ve raised enough money to stay afloat, but haven’t been able to fill out our investment round. Our CEO has been going back and forth with a potential investor who would fund us for the next 12 months, but today is the last day for them to wire money in, and it’s extremely unlikely they will.
I’m the youngest person in the company, but because of my role doing IT and Finance/Accounting, I have full knowledge of our financial situation. We just paid payroll today, and are probably less than 30 days from bankruptcy.
Do I have an obligation to let other employees know so they can start preparing for what seems inevitable? Or, would it be wrong to let other employees know before our CEO is ready to tell them? I don’t want to start a panic and/or mass exodus and put myself in a situation where board members and leaders feel betrayed.
I’m already beginning to look for different jobs, and don’t have a wife or kids. All of my co-workers are older than me and married with kid(s). Many of them are primary breadwinners.”
This is a really tough call, but I think you have to keep quiet.
The reason I say that is because you owe a fiduciary duty to the company first, not to its individual employees. What if that investment, or one from someone else, is poised to be realized, but suddenly the company loses top employees who bail based on your recommendation? Then you could cause the company to collapse merely by suggesting the company might collapse.
I just think you’re in a messy spot here and the best thing to do is keep quiet.
If the financial situation becomes more precarious — for instance, if paychecks might not go out — then I think you have a responsibility to sit down with the CEO and ask him when he plans on informing the employees of the situation the company faces.
But I don’t think it’s your job to spread confidential information you have that others do not have.
Plus, it’s important to note you work at a start-up. As much as all of us might wish every company became incredibly successful, this is now start up culture works. Some companies become wild successes, others collapse. That’s the creative destruction embraced by American capitalism. Everyone who works at a start up has to understand that risk. On the one hand you might get fabulously wealthy, on the other hand the company might collapse.
As for your own private situation, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you looking for another job so long as you aren’t saying you are leaving because of the financial struggles with your present company. Those kind of rumors can spread rapidly and also bring about the downfall of a company.
Perception can become reality in business or life.

So I think you have to keep quiet here.

(One caveat that’s even more difficult, but you haven’t asked. What if you have a couple of best friends working at the company and, say, one best friend is about to buy a house you know is a financial stretch? I might tell him that you’re not sure how safe everyone’s jobs are for the next year. I wouldn’t get into the specifics, but I’d just tell him to be careful on big expenditures. But that’s a difficult call because then it mixes your friendship with privileged information at work. I think the best perspective, even in friendship situation, is if the company ends up shutting down you say you were told the company financing was there and were as shocked as anyone else when it fell through at the last minute.)

“I am a combat veteran, and now currently the only senior manger in my company under 30. I’ve been able to make a substantial living enough to support my family. In order to afford our substantial mortgage I often travel weekly mon-thurs. This also allows my wife [who is a hot ER nurse] to only work two days a week and help take care of our kids. 

So here is where my conflict comes. It’s my mother! Who god bless her means well. She calls me this morning and says oh btw I bought our daughter this huge power wheels camper but it has to be picked up by today. Meanwhile I’m 6 hrs from home.

I call my wife who happens to be shopping at target, go figure, which is across the street from Walmart where the camper is. My wife goes and attempts to pick up the box, though it was so big it wouldn’t fit in our SUV.

I tell her leave it at Walmart I will call a buddy or the kid who mows our lawn to grab it. She then tells me that she will call her (male) friend that I have never heard of that she works with at the hospital that has a truck.

Now I have no reason to be jealous other than my wife is smoking hot, and what dude really thinks he’s in the friend zone?

So I said hell no, and she said I was overreacting and being immature. Now I don’t generally ever get jealous or even think about it much. If it were a lifetime guy friend I’ve met before or at least knew a bit more about I’d say great idea. But not a total stranger. 

What do you think Judge Clay?”

I’m with you here.

And it’s 100% based on you not knowing this guy.

Your smoking hot (nurse) wife asking her guy friend from work you’ve never met before to come bring his big truck so they can pick up a big box seems like it could definitely end with his big dick in her. And that’s not just because I’ve seen a lot of porn. (Okay, partly it is).

That’s because I know how guys think.

And the only reason this guy would do this favor for your wife is because she’s hot and he thinks at some point in time it might lead to sex.

In my opinion there is a 0% chance your average dude is driving to Wal Mart to pick up a kid’s toy for someone he works with unless she’s hot and he thinks he might bang her some day. Maybe I’m just an awful guy and this dude is such a great human being that if your wife was 320 pounds he’d still be a great friend for her and driving to Wal Mart to pick up toys for her kid, but I just don’t believe it.

He’s playing an angle here. It might be a long play angle, but it’s an angle for sure.

This doesn’t even consider the fact that this is your wife’s first thought — “I’ll just call (guy you’ve never heard of before) to come pick up the toy.”

That suggests she finds him reliable, trustworthy, and, significantly, is communicating with him on a regular basis already.

Do you know how many married women’s phone numbers I have where I either 1. didn’t know the girl long before she got married or 2. know the girl because I’ve been friends with she and the husband for a long time.

Zero!

Back to your question, your wife doesn’t think it’s strange for you to not be in favor of a strange dude coming over to your house to carry toys in for your kid when you’re not there?

Unless it’s motherfucking Santa Claus, that’s a nonstarter for me too.

I think your reaction was pretty normal here.

“Clay,  what is your opinion when it comes to multi stall restrooms and courtesy flushing? Often times I will be sitting on my throne when I hear someone enter the stall beside me then hear a belt buckle hit the floor. Two seconds later their bowels explode and then a gentle sigh.

At this point you should immediately hear their commode flush.

This seems to not happen most of the time and forcing everyone in the restroom the inhale your last night supper.

I think it is pure common courtesy to reach behind yourself and have your hand on the flusher handle or button and activate it as soon as your ass begins to explode. This greatly reduces odor plus the flushing sound muffles the explosion.”

I’m not going to lie, this idea has never occurred to me before.

It’s not that I’m intentionally being an asshole in public restrooms, it’s just that I’ve never thought to flush before I completed the poop.

Now partly this is because, hate to brag, but I’m a fast pooper.

I know some people out there sit around on the toilet for ten or fifteen minutes, I poop like thirty seconds after I drop my pants. I’m rarely in the bathroom for more than two or three minutes total.

But if you’re the kind of guy (or girl) who really has to work one out, I think the courtesy flush makes a ton of sense.

I will say this reminds me, once more, of the huge controversy over standing or sitting wipers. I’ve always been a standing wiper, but sometimes that means the courtesy flush happens automatically when those sensors are set up to allow an immediate flush the moment you stand up in a public bathroom.

I have no idea how we have designed toilets that can tell whether you’re sitting on them or not, but we can’t figure out how to make cell phones work.

It’s insane to me.

But I do think the courtesy flush should be standard practice for long poopers.

Thanks for reading the anonymous mailbag. As always send your anonymous mailbag questions to claytravis@gmail.com, anonymity guaranteed.

And go vote.

Unless you disagree with me politically.

Then maybe you should just take off the day from voting. No need to stress yourself out with lines and such.

#dbap

Comments

Get the Daily Outkick

* indicates required