It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag!
Send all your questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
With that in mind, here we go:
“My wife asked me to teach my 9-year old daughter to play soccer more aggressively. I, a former college offensive lineman, ended up accidentally steam rolling her like Orlando Pace against a DB. Tears and faux outrage ensued. My wife turned on me like a traitor, yet I blame her for even getting me into this mess. Who is at fault?”
You can’t expect a tiger to turn into a pussy cat.
You’re a former college offensive lineman, a man skilled at maneuvering grown ass men wherever you wanted them to go on a football field, and she expected you not to steamroll a nine year old girl, in soccer no less, during a tutorial on aggressiveness?
This was like making R. Kelly a teenage sex counselor, just an impossible situation to implement without disaster ensuing.
Your wife is to blame here, especially since she blamed you once the training in aggressiveness got too aggressive.
I’m not proud of it, but my eight year old wasn’t swinging the bat hard enough recently so I told him to pretend it was his 11 year old brother’s head.
I’ll be damned if he didn’t immediately turn into Mike Trout.
So why not tell your daughter to pretend the soccer ball is something she hates in an effort to spur her own aggression? It seems like coaching genius to me.
“I hate taxes. I am about to write the government’s bag man a huge check I know they are going to waste.
Given this new age of cord cutting and services to only pay for the channels you want. If you still had to pay the same amount but got to pick and choose what services you funded, which government entities would be flush and which ones would be broke?”
I think the government could make paying taxes cool if they had a lottery and a few taxpayers won the opportunity to do the coolest thing our tax dollars fund.
For instance, what if a couple of taxpayers won the right to go to space every year? Or a taxpayer got to ride on Air Force One? Or you got to watch a secret mission to kill a terrorist?
Honestly, we should just have a national flat tax of 15%.
Everyone pays the same rate, period and there are no exemptions at all for anything. You make it, you pay tax on it.
As is, I have no idea what my tax bill is going to be until my accountant lets me know. And when I look at the tax return I don’t even have any idea what’s going on with it.
And I’m pretty fucking smart.
So if I’m pretty fucking smart and I have no idea what’s happening with my taxes, how many people in this country actually understand the tax code?
“I went out to dinner recently with my wife to nice restaurant for a date night. We had a waiter who was great, very energetic, knowledgeable, essentially everything you want and expect at a restaurant like the one we were at. I could tell by the way he was interacting with us that he was much more interested in me than he was in my wife. Based on that I had a feeling he was gay. When my wife got up to use the bathroom he told her he thought I was “very cute” and she laughed and agreed.
I have no problem with gay people, to each their own.
That led me to asking this question…. Why was it okay in my wife’s mind for a guy to flirt with me but not women? Do women give men a pass on flirting with their husbands because they are so confident that we are straight? Imagine if a smoking hot waitress had said that to my wife? The story would have ended in a different way for sure.”
Your wife was perfectly fine with the gay waiter flirting with you BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU AREN’T GAY.
That is the reason, it isn’t complicated.
If she thought you were going to 69 with the waiter the next time she left town for a night she probably wouldn’t have laughed. (She’d be crying herself to sleep at night like all the other women reading this right now who secretly think their husbands are gay. Note: all women secretly fear three things the most about their spouses: 1. that their husbands are going to kill them. 2. that their husbands are gay. 3. that their husbands are pussies. Men, on the other hand, all secretly fear the same thing, that their wives are crazy. And that they are lying about our penises being huge.)
But, you are correct, if a smoking hot waitress had said she thought you were cute — which she wouldn’t have ever done — then your wife would not have giggled and found it humorous.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.
“My brother and I are both in grad school in our early twenties, and we live together. He’s been dating his girlfriend for over a year now – and in that same time frame, I know he has been sexting other girls. I don’t believe he’s slept with them.
I set up his laptop for him like 4 years ago, and he hasn’t changed his password since. My suspicions got the better of me, so I got onto his laptop, and screenshot messages with 4-5 other girls that aren’t his girlfriend – most recently as last week. His girlfriend has no idea. She’s sweet, and been through a lot in life.
Only two other people (no family, but close family friends) know about this. I realize I’m in a tough situation myself, but I can’t let him put her through this.
Help me, King Solomon of the Internet.”
I actually find your behavior to be worse than your brother’s behavior.
That’s because you can’t control what your brother does or doesn’t do in his relationships. All you can control is your own behavior, which is pretty indefensible here.
You can certainly question your brother’s relationship decisions in a private conversation between the two of you, but you went way over the line when you checked his private messages on his private computer. (The fact that your brother kept his passwords the same probably meant he trusted you, which makes this even worse since you violated his misguided trust.)
You can suggest your brother isn’t ready for a serious relationship and suggest he break up with his girlfriend, but anything more than that is you getting way too involved in this relationship. (Some would say even having this conversation is getting too involved in his relationship too).
But what you cannot do at all is tell the girl about your brother’s behavior and — probably — ruin your relationship with your brother for months or years to come.
Honestly, this reads like you like the girl and want to be in a relationship with her yourself.
If so, good luck, but this isn’t the way to make it happen.
“Which celebrity sex tape would get the most views?
I think Donald Trump would be the celebrity with the most views if it were free. But if the video was $4.99, would Trump still get the most views, or would it be a celebrity that was really attractive like Beyoncé or Charlize Theron?”
When it comes to paying for it, it’s definitely a woman, but the problem is nothing involving sex on the Internet would stay behind a paywall so you’re asking a question without an answer.
Having said that, a Trump sex tape would be everywhere and people would ridicule him about the sex tape in a way, for instance, that they never would have with Hillary Clinton. (I know, I know, a Hillary sex tape would be a bridge way too far, especially because you know it wouldn’t be with Bill Clinton).
Do you remember when Trump got a presidential physical and they released his weight and everyone lost their mind making fun of Trump over how fat he was?
If Hillary had been elected president and they’d released her weight and anyone made fun of her at all it would have been sexism.
This is, in many ways, why Trump won — a belief that identity politics has so taken over our culture that the rules for what’s appropriate and inappropriate aren’t connected to behavior, they’re connected to identity.
The simple truth of the matter is this, all people should be treated the same regardless of their race, gender, religion, sex, ethnicity or political party.*
*Except hot chicks should be treated better than anyone.
“One of our best friends in our friend group has a problem: using his phone too damn much. It’s gotten to the point where when we hang out he can’t even be included in the conversation.
Not because we don’t try, but because his head is in his phone the whole time.
We’ve noticed it’s even affecting him in school (he dropped out and has no plans on going back), his work (minimum wage part time job that he’s half assing and always running late too), and his love life (never had a girlfriend. When he gets feelings for a girl his social awkwardness blows any chance of it becoming a thing up, probably stems from his cell phone addiction).
I asked the four of us how much our screen time was this past week. Three of us said it was between about 3:15-3:45 a day, but he said his was NINE HOURS A DAY! How do you spend nine hours a day on the damn phone? Anyway, is there any way we can go about talking to him about it? We’ve tried to before, but, guess what, he buries his head into his phone to avoid the conflict. What is the best way we can make him see what we see? We’re worried life is going to pass him by and he won’t even look up from his iPhone to realize it (the other friends in our group are all finishing/have graduated college and are out of the house). Oh wise one, what do we do?”
I spend almost eight hours a day, on average, on my cell phone so I can certainly understand how it’s possible to do so.
Of course the big difference here is that being on my cell phone is a huge part of my actual job and your buddy doesn’t make a living in the media responding to the latest stories that break from one minute to the next.
If your friend is addicted to his cell phone — and I think many of us are — then the question you have to ask is this one: how is this addiction materially impacting his life in a negative way?
You seem to believe its impact on his behavior is substantial. But that, of course, may not be true. Fuck ups have always found a way to fuck up. If he didn’t have the phone he might be on the Internet all day on his laptop or playing video games or watching television. There are plenty of ways to behave in an anti-social manner thanks to modern technology.
In other words, the phone might not be a cause of his issues, it might just be a symptom of them.
So you have to be careful in assigning blame here.
Having said that, my goal this year is to knock my cell phone usage from eight hours a day down to four hours a day. That’s an ambitious goal — and I may not reach it — but the way I’m trying to accomplish it is by taking a couple of hours at a time off my phone during the day. (You can also set up screen limits on your phone, but that seems like it would lead to even more stress, like when you know your phone is about to run out of juice and you’re super anxious to recharge it lest you miss something.)
Even though it might hurt me in terms of my audience since so many of you arrive via the phone, I think if all Americans spent half the time we do now on social media — including the president — our country would be twice as happy.
As always, if you feel like someone’s addicted to anything and it’s impacting their behavior in a negative way, it’s worth it to have a conversation with them about that behavior and whether you can help them combat their addiction in any way possible.
“Back in high school I had a mad crush on this girl from a rival school and I always got the impression she was into me as well but we were both always in a relationship and it just never really worked out.
This was right when cell phones were getting popular and all of the social media sites didn’t exist. So it wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to hook up back then.
Anyway, fast forward 18-19 years. I have now been married for 12 years but have basically been with my now wife since right out of high school. Our kids go to the same school we both went to. We are at a school sporting event a couple of years ago at the same rival schools and we run into said crush. I haven’t seen this girl since high school.
Anyway, we become Facebook friends and she sends me photos of our kids playing in the sporting event, nothing to it. Well over time I run into her once or twice more. This is where it gets interesting….a few months ago she sends me a message at random one night. Well we get to catching up I guess you would say, all innocent. Her husband is away for work most weekends and I work swing shift so some nights I stay up late. Well on these nights, we tend to message each other back and forth all night, even both created Snapchat to be more discrete, and that has led into us chatting with each other on a daily basis. None of this has yet to lead into cheating or even talks of it really, but I gotta be honest….I still want to see her naked. She has sent me a few racy photos but no nudity yet.
I am in no way wanting or thinking about falling in a trap and leaving my wife, who is hotter than this girl, but at the same time the curiosity is getting the best of me. So the question to you is……..Do I completely drop this mostly innocent daily conversation with her or hang in there long enough until she finally shows me the goods?”
I mean, you downloaded a social media app to secretly have conversations with a girl you’ve had a crush on since high school and you think your intentions are innocent? Or that if you see her naked you’re suddenly going to be sated by that and have no interest in talking with her any longer?
You are playing with fire right now.
It’s almost certain if you keep playing with fire you’re going to get burned.
The question is how severely.
I’d stop the flirtations if I were you.
“So, my friends and I have a buddy who drinks way too much and consumes a lot of illicit drugs and then has a habit of saying or doing really weird/embarrassing things. Recently, he topped all his previous acts when he was away on a cruise with his latest fat/disgusting wildebeest of a girlfriend (who is legitimately a bad influence on him as well) and asked us in a group text “Have you guys ever jerked off with a blow dryer? Feels crazy.”
Naturally, none of us have thought to do this, let alone ASK OUR FRIENDS about it, and we told him so and ridiculed him.
About two minutes later, he SENDS A VIDEO OF HIM MASTURBATING WHILE HIS GIRL HOLDS THE BLOWDRYER….
We all backed out of the group text and started a different one, the thrust of the conversation being….is this the cry for help that he needs to go to rehab? Do we laugh this one off like all his other ridiculousness, or do we use it as an opportunity to tell him that it’s time to take it easy?
What would you do?”
Honestly, how do you know he’s crazy if you haven’t jerked off while holding a blowdryer?
More seriously, I suspect he probably thought the video he sent you was funny and was drunk or under the influence of drugs when he sent it, which altered his perceptions of how weird his behavior was.
If he had any doubts about whether you guys thought his behavior was appropriate, the silence in response to his video should have cleared that up.
If he were tactful, he might reply something like, “Man, you guys are awfully quiet. I’m so glad I didn’t send you what we did with the curling iron.”
And then just drop the subject.
But that would require tact and humor, which your friend seems to have in short supply.
The wildest thing, to me, however, isn’t that he did this, it’s that he has a girlfriend and he jerked off while she held the blowdryer on a cruise ship vacation AND THEY VIDEO’D IT.
This had to be his decision to film it because there’s no way a woman has ever thought: “You know what would be really hot? (Figuratively, not literally). If you jerked off while I held a blowdryer.”
Can you imagine if that was your daughter holding the blow dryer?
Every man hates his daughter’s boyfriend, but I think if you saw a video like this you’d have to strangle this guy to death with your bare hands. Not necessarily just because of this video, but just because if he films your daughter holding a blow dryer while he jerks off, what won’t he do?
That man is an animal and has to be stopped before he destroys all of humanity.
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