It’s Tuesday, time for the anonymous mailbag to get rolling and rescue you from work and school.
As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.
Here we go:
“I’m 19 years old. My dad is 45.
My dad took a 23 and Me gene test and found that he shares 13 percent DNA (number for a 1st cousin) with a random stranger. So, wanting to know more, he contacts this person thru Facebook and asks them if they knew anything about being related. The person said no, but my dad recognized their last name as also being the last name of one of his mom’s (my grandmother’s) prior boyfriends.
Long story short, this prior boyfriend turns out to be my dad’s real dad and my real grandfather. Growing up, the guy we thought to be my real grandfather was a deadbeat who saw my dad twice after the age of 7. So he didn’t have a great relationship with his real dad.
His biological father also had kids meaning my dad has brothers and sisters he doesn’t even know.
Me personally, I’m 19. We have a close family. However, my parents want to meet this guy and connect, but my first reaction is that they are just random people and I’ll never view them as family. This was a frowned upon reaction by my family, but I stand my ground on that opinion. Is it wrong for me to think that? What say you because at this point I don’t know what to think.”
First, and I know this might be hard because you’re only 19, but this isn’t really your choice and it isn’t really about you.
It’s your dad’s choice.
This means I think you should consider it from his perspective, not yours.
So let’s do that.
Your dad just found out he hasn’t ever met his own dad. What’s more, he found out the man he thought was his dad, wasn’t really his dad. That’s a jarring and shocking discovery no matter how old you are.
After thinking about it, he’s decided he wants to meet his biological dad and his potential half-brothers and half-sisters.
And, probably because he doesn’t want to hide this from you, he’s told you and your mom.
To me, all of his behavior here seems perfectly reasonable. After all, it’s perfectly reasonable to want to meet your dad and your potential half-siblings. That’s even more the case when your own dad had a distant relationship with his father. Maybe, possibly, that distant relationship existed because the man your dad thought was his dad believed he might not be the biological father of his child.
Your job here isn’t to make any decisions, it’s to tell your dad, “Whatever you decide to do, I support your choice.”
Chances are your dad has supported you his entire life, now you get to do the same for him.
Tell your dad you support his choice and do your best to support that choice not just with your words, but with your actions as well.
“My wife and I have been married now for a little over 7 years.
Our sex life has always been pretty good. My wife has now entered her late 30’s and has really been wanting to bring new things to the bedroom. She is by far the bread winner and has us situated in a beautiful beachfront home with new cars and mostly anything we want within reason. She treats me so well and I couldn’t imagine life without her so I have been trying these new things for her and not really opposing anything.
It started out as playing with dildos and she would stick them in my mouth etc. Then came the strap-on. I didn’t particularly enjoy that but to be honest I’m glad she is getting new pleasures and having fun. But lately she’s been talking about bringing another guy into the mix. I’ve met him a few times. He is a bisexual Hispanic that she worked with a few years ago. I’m not gay and have never experimented in that realm. I’m all for trying things to keep my wife happy but at what point should it stop? She hasn’t approached the other guy about it yet as she is waiting on my response to the idea. What’s your take on the whole situation?”
Well, what does she want you to do here? I think that’s paramount before you decide anything else.
It doesn’t sound like she wants to bring another guy in for a threesome where she’s the primary focus and you guys use her body as the separation point between the two of you, it sounds like she wants you engaging with the guy. After all, if she were going to be the focus, why does she need a bisexual guy?
What’s more, it sounds like she’s been grooming you to do engage in homosexual acts with the dildo as well.
So what you need to do first of all is ask her exactly what she expects you to do as part of this threesome. Is this a heterosexual threesome or not?
If it’s not — and your spouse expects for you to be engaging with a man for the first time ever — then you have to make a decision — is this something you want to do? It doesn’t sound like you want to do it. If that’s the case then you shouldn’t do it just to make your wife happy.
Furthermore, if your wife wants to bring a third person into the relationship, can you suggest a woman? If you’re going to sexually experiment, it shouldn’t just be a one way street where you exist to fulfill her fantasies and explore none of your own.
Right now it sounds like your wife is acting out her sexual fantasies and you just acquiesce to them to make her happy. When it’s just the two of you that’s still not ideal, but it isn’t particularly troubling. (I’m sure many people reading this now have done things sexually with a partner they love that they did because they knew their partner would love it, not because it turned them on.)
But bringing in another party to fulfill one partner’s fantasy is a big step.
Right now your sexual relationship seems based on her being the dominant partner and you the submissive partner. That’s fine if both of you are okay with it, but are you okay with it?
That’s a conversation you need to have with your wife at some point.
Because the real danger here is by making you constantly submissive in your sexual relationship that at some point your wife might come to see you as less worthy of respect in your day-to-day life. It sounds like, based on your email to me, that she is already the dominant economic force. Now she may well be attempting to extend her dominance to the bedroom.
And it seems like it’s working. Because the way you wrote the email it’s like you’re basically saying, “Since we have a beach house and my wife has a good job, I’ll suck a guy’s dick if she wants me to.”
That seems like a big jump.
Now that’s fine if you want to do it, but that should be because you want to do it, not because your wife wants you to do it.
And before it goes any further you need to have a conversation about this.
“I recently was asked to fill out a bio powerpoint survey for a work presentation. One of the questions was if you could have dinner with any one (dead or alive) who would it be?
Now to me the answer is obvious…it’s Donald Trump. Now of course I can’t put that as answer without offending someone in the presentation group or the audience so my mind started to wonder. Maybe George Washington? No, could be seen as a racist. Maybe Billy Graham? No, could be imposing my religion. Maybe I go a little more left and go with Jeff Bezos? No, could be seen as a sexist does not respect women.
My question to you Clay in today’s PC environment who is an appropriate answer to this question? It’s sad in America where i can’t say I would like to have dinner with the President of the United States. (I thought about Clay Travis but I might offend people with that answer too).”
I probably wouldn’t put a current politician as the person you’d most like to have dinner with because that answer is overtly political. (Although, to be fair, you could pick one living president from each political party and say you’d like to eat with both of them which would give you the screen of bipartisanship.)
A famous singer, actor or actress is probably a safe bet too so long as you don’t pick Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, Kevin Spacey or R. Kelly.
But I think picking someone from history is generally the safest play here. (I say generally because you probably don’t want to pick Adolf Hitler or Osama Bin Laden as your choice either).
You can’t go wrong with George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or Thomas Jefferson.
They’re the Mount Rushmore of American politicians, and not even metaphorically.
It’s also hard to go wrong with pro athletes — Michael Jordan, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning — pick the most dominant and least controversial athletes out there and you’ll be fine.
So those would be my staple choices.
You also can’t go wrong with Martin Luther King, Jr., but if you’re a white guy that’s probably going to look like you’re trying too hard.
Regardless, here’s the brutal truth: if you work at a big company much of your success is often about being blandly inoffensive.
Rather than be true to yourself in a damn powerpoint presentation at work, I’d just pick a famous person from history or a famous athlete and be done with it.
“My best friend is turning forty next week. To celebrate his birthday, he and his wife have rented a very nice four bedroom beach house at an international destination and invited three other couples to join them for the week. The other couples are my wife and me and two of our mutual friends from college and their spouses. Three of the four couples have been married for 12-15 years and have children in elementary/middle school. The fourth guy got married a little later in life to a girl a little bit younger than the rest of us, and they have an 18-month old.
We were invited to go on this trip several months ago. Shortly after the invitation went out, the four guys got together for drinks to discuss the vacation and go over some logistics. The guy with the one-year old casually mentioned that he and his wife were planning to take their baby with them and that he would fly as a lap child and share their room. This was quickly met with a wall of fierce resistance, and it was made clear that this was an adults trip and that kids were not welcome. A week or so later, that guy texted the group and said that his mother-in-law was going to come in town to watch their son, all was good, etc.
Fast forward to this afternoon. We are scheduled to fly out in two days. The fourth guy sends a text to the group saying that their childcare fell through and that they are going to bring their son on the trip. He was apologetic and made assurances that we wouldn’t notice him, blah blah blah. The reaction from the rest of us has been split between mildly annoyed and super-pissed off.
I am convinced that he never had childcare lined up and fully intended to make this move from the beginning. I also think that his wife is behind it at some level. Questions for you – how crappy is this play on a scale from 1-10? What would your response be if you were going on this trip? Is it different if you were the one paying for the beach house?”
I mean, this sucks, but what can you do, not allow him to come?
I have no idea what his motivations are, but the fact that his initial plan was, “We’ll just bring our kid and fly with him as a lap baby,” makes me think his wife immediately complained about the trip. She may not like the other wives or she may feel like she’s being judged for being several years younger than everyone else or she may be upset because she thinks her kid is much younger than the other kids so the obligations of this trip are different than for the others or she might just not believe it makes financial sense to spend their vacation time this way.
There are any number of reasons why this could have been your friend’s initial plan, but my best bet here is this guy wanted to go, his wife said, “No way, that’s too expensive and what are we going to do with (insert kid here)” and he suggested they just bring him on the trip because it doesn’t cost anything more and he believed this would solve all her complaints.
Whether or not the mother-in-law was ever a viable option or he just made it up, I have no idea.
The important point here, however, is that idea people in the house are not going to notice an 18 month old is laughably absurd. Kids that young are on regular sleep and eating schedules and as a result you have to build your entire day around them. This baby, as everyone who has ever had a baby this age will tell you, will be no different.
Plus, there are all sorts of complexities with kids these ages in a beach destination.
You have either the pool or the ocean to worry about the baby getting into and he’ll make the trip much different than it would have been with no kids present.
If I were the host and I had the money — after all they rented the beach house — I’d probably try and hire a college-aged girl, pay for her travel, and use her as a babysitter for the week. I understand that’s an immediate expense that wasn’t anticipated, but if you have the money, why not at least consider this?
If that isn’t possible, depending on how nice the house is, many rental places have a contact for child care that they trust and recommend.
Given it’s an international location, the child care probably doesn’t cost that much either.
You could test the foreign babysitter out initially by having her present during the day while you guys are around the house and if she does well then you could use her eventually when you went out to dinner or for drinks. (Many parents are understandably nervous about leaving a child this young with a babysitter, particularly in a foreign country, but it’s an idea at least).
In theory this babysitting should entirely be the expense of the visiting couple, but one of the benefits of having money is you can buy your way out of inconvenience, even when someone else is creating the inconvenience. So the couple that rented the house could pay for this too. (Inevitably this could create a fight between the couple renting the house too so they should hammer it out in advance. The last thing you want is to buy a fight because of someone else’s dickheadedness. Or, and this could be a decent move too, the other three couples could all split the cost of the babysitter. Again, in my opinion, money should minimize fights and increase overall convenience. If someone has the resources to do it, just do it. The most ideal of all scenarios, clearly, is when given the option to hire a babysitter the couple with the kid loves the idea and pays for it all without complaining.)
As is, there’s no doubt that the couple with the baby won’t be able to do everything that the couples without kids are doing and that all the adults are likely to have less fun than they would have had on a trip with children.
Which is why the trip was predicated on the idea that no kids are allowed in the first place.
The only way you can come closest to fulfilling the original intent of the trip is with a babysitter.
So I’d look into that pronto.
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