Have you ever thought to yourself, you know what my Alabama fan van needs?
A family portrait!
Then clearly you aren’t a true Alabama football fan.
Meet the first ever awkward family fan photo on the side of a van.
Because it’s not enough for mom and dad to take responsibility for the brown van with multiple Alabama decals on it. Nope, you have to bring the three kids into the mix too.
Thanks to OKTC reader @wcaseyb1 for the detective work that uncovered this van in, sigh, White House, Tennessee.
You know the only thing worse than an Alabama fan? An Alabama fan who lives on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee.
How do I love this van?
Let me count the ways.
1. This van really exists.
Per our intrepid reporter: “I
2. The curiously restrained “Bama fan” decal on the driver’s door.
Because the eight Bama fan signifiers weren’t enough to make you aware of who this van supports in football.
Nope, the driver needed to make his rooting interests clear.
Otherwise, people might have thought he was an Auburn fan.
3. The family photo on the side of the van.
Let’s be honest, this is what makes the van worthy of OKTC attention.
If this was just a brown Alabama fan van, there’s no real interest here. Those are legion.
But, no, the family photo on the side is truly sublime.
Although, I’m kind of disappointed that the whole family isn’t dressed in Crimson Tide gear.
Did the wife forbid this from happening?
She had too, right?
Because this husband definitely suggested that the entire family pose in Bama gear for a picture on the side of the van.
As is, the family being dressed up makes things even better. Perfectly incongruous.
4. I would pay thousands of dollars for a transcript of the husband suggesting the photo on the side of the van to his wife.
I picture it going something like this.
Wife: I really think our church portrait turned out great this year.
Dad: Let’s put it on the side of the van.
Wife: The van?
Dad: Yeah, why not. We’re all Alabama fans. And lots of people love our van. But they don’t know who is inside. Why should I get all the glory when people pull up beside me and wave?
Wife: You don’t think that’s kind of weird?
Dad: No! The kids will love it. Come on, it’s a great idea.
(Fast forward ten years.)
Judge: And is the van community property?
Dad: No! She can have the house, but she is not getting the van!
5. Does the family picture get updated as the kid’s age?
Or is it like “The Simpson’s” where the kids remain the same age for eternity?
I’m rooting for updates.
Although these updates might speed up the divorce.
6. What happens when the family has to sell this van because they’ve gone bankrupt buying BCS tickets?
Who buys an Alabama fan van with someone else’s family on it? (I mean aside from me. Because I would totally do this. Can you imagine if I drove to every SEC game, whether Bama was playing or not, in the Bama family fan van? That’s why we have to figure out what this is selling for.)
7. Harvey Updyke saw this fan and said: “What in the hell were they thinking?”
What if I showed up to cover the Harvey Updyke trial driving this van?
Okay, I’m doing it.
This van will be the OKTC Batmobile.
8. The butterfly collar on the dad in the family photo.
I love this.
Why does he have a butterfly collar?
Simple, because he’s hiding “Roll Tide” throwing stars underneath that collar.
Don’t step to daddy.
9. Hypothesis: this van also doubles as a boat.
Rationale: look at the ladder on the back right door.
That’s a boat ladder, the kind that descends to permit you to climb out of the water when you’re tired of swimming at the lake.
(In fact, I’m pretty confident this van is parked just outside of the frame of the first pregnant Bama fan photo. It’s a whole family of Bammers vacationing at the local cow pond).
Can someone photoshop the floating van in the background here?
10. The football specific portion of the rooting interest.
Because Alabama basketball certainly isn’t worthy of this van.
That’s why I feel equally certain this family also has a Kentucky basketball version of the same van that they start driving in February.
How else do you think the Kentucky fan hotties get carted around during basketball season? (Link to Kentucky hotties below).
11. All three kids appear to be under the age of seven or eight.
What happens when they become self aware? (This is making the admittedly bold assumption that Bama fans ever become self aware).
When you’re seven or eight you think pretty much everything your parents do is awesome.
Especially if it involves a passenger van. (If my parents had bought us a passenger van and put our picture on the outside of it, I would have thought this was brilliant when I was seven).
But around 11 or 12 you start examining your parent’s decision-making — pray for my poor kids — and thinking, “Why did dad even think to put our family picture on the side of a brown van? That’s kind of weird, right?”
Worse, your friends start thinking the same thing.
If one of these kids made it to 13 or 14 with the van still existing in its present form, this would be a 7th or 8th grade humor death blow, an embarrassment so severe it’s impossible to recover from.
Your parents having a sex tape accidentally aired on public access television would be easier to deal with.
So, hopefully, this picture disappears before the daughter thinks for the first time, “You mean guys will pay to see me naked?”
12. What’s on the other side of the van?
Be honest, you’re wondering the same thing aren’t you?
There’s no way that only one side is emblazoned with Alabama insignia.
Is there a family portrait in Crimson Tide gear?
A Bear Bryant in heaven by the goalpost picture?
I mean, the possibillities are endless.
We. Must. Find. This. Van.
Update: OKTC readers have located the fan. I just got off the phone with the car lot. They’re asking $4500 as is.
I have to buy this, right?
At OKTC we ridicule all awkward fan photos equally.
Humor doesn’t discriminate — although it does feature Kentucky and Alabama fans at alarming frequency.
As always, feel free to share your awkward fan photos by emailing or tweeting them to me. firstname.lastname@example.org or the Twitter feed on the right side of the page, @claytravisbgid.