First of all, if you didn’t watch the Outkick Show after last night’s episode you must do so, immediately. I missed out on Bobby Brown telling Robin Roberts he had sex with a ghost while we recorded it, so y’all owe me.
We open with Chris Harrison getting in those overtime hours, playing Daddy to THE CHAD by giving him a warning. During this little pow wow, let’s focus on how many HORRIFIC tattoos there are inside. What in the hell makes someone think that getting a permanent sleeve of scribble scrabble is a good idea? E.D. Evan is biting his nails and pacing in circles because he’s so scared. Evan is a pussy, and that’s the bottom line. He can run his mouth all he wants, but he tattled as soon as he felt pressure.
I can’t begin to explain to you all how much I love THE CHAD strolling into the house to “rectify” the situation and dropping a “sup?” Ever wonder what “rectifying a situation” on The Bachelorette looks like?
THE CHAD: “I’m not going to start issues with you guys, I just want you guys to leave me alone, don’t push me.”
Evan: “Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology'”
THE CHAD: “Ha ok, I’ll give you $20 bucks and an apology for what?”
*CHIRPING FROM RANDOS*
Evan: “So you aren’t going to be violent?”
THE CHAD: “I mean don’t try and shove me, or threaten me, and no, I won’t be violent.”
So you’re saying there’s a chance…..
Let’s move on to the “pool party,” and discuss that it is 2016. How do we not have the technology for pool microphones that don’t look like puka shell necklaces from Aeropostale’s liquidation sale?
We interrupt this pool party for Evan to have his first nose bleed. If anyone was going to bleed, it’s obviously going to be Evan.
“I guess he just bleeds thinking about me….” –THE CHAD, who is not wrong. I need “let’s say you’re Hitler” Daniel to do less and stop swimming in his suit and tie. Go home, Justin Timberlake. JoJo has sucked face with no less than THREE guys during this time. As Clay and I ruled, a chick who makes out with five or more different dudes in a day is a member of the world’s oldest profession, so she’s cutting it close.
Derek tells JoJo he moved bedrooms in the house because he was afraid of Chad. I hope his friends give him shit for the rest of ever that the only face time he got on this show was saying how scared he is of a guy who refers to himself as THE CHAD BEAR.
Rose Ceremony. See ya never: Ali, Nick B., and Christian. I don’t know who any of you are, so toodles. I’m assuming she just forgot Vinny’s name because in no world is a TEAL dress shirt acceptable.
Luke’s getting the first one-on-one date.
Let me just go ahead and get this out of the way since I avoided having to crawl into my safe space on Twitter last night. I support our troops endlessly, do volunteer work, and I probably love them more than you. That being said, it doesn’t mean there aren’t douchebags in the military.
Luke and JoJo go mushing to a wood fire hot tub. I thought snow was required to “mush,” but this is why I live in the South where I don’t ever need to know these things. JoJo thinks the hot tub is too hot. I’m losing brain cells by the second, and it’s not from the wine. She also doesn’t think Luke looks like he’s rugged. That’s because he’s trying to be the third member of Florida-Georgia Line. They don’t do actual rugged.
Then Luke tells her that his best friend died in combat. That is absolutely horrible, and I’m sorry. Buttt you can’t use that to get a pity rose. Now she can’t send you home. Don’t pull out sympathy cards to stay on the show longer unless it’s a career move. Because, this is important, YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH SOMEBODY WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
Chad is wearing a belt by the pool while we get some self-reflection diatribe amongst emo camera shots. ABC really goes to some Nathaniel Hawthorne level imagery with the bear in the woods, and THE CHAD officially renames himself THE CHAD BEAR.
Group date with Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. I know who half of these creep-stars are. Game time! Have we noticed that any group date Jordan is on is either about the career he is aspiring to (SportsNation), or the one he is “retired from?” On another note, let’s discuss Big Ben going from alleged rapist who may go to jail to loveable protective big brother. That’s some Ray Lewis, Mike Tyson type of stuff. Hope he sent his PR people a fat check, again. He runs these clowns through drills and of course Jordan excels. Dude, you’re competing against a dick doctor and a radio DJ, you better win.
“I never played football, but I play all the time with the boys….” What boys, Evan? I LOVED Jordan saying that “some of his passes were coming in a little hotter than they should be” because he was throwing to some guys who are trying to date his “girlfriend.” If you had J-Rodge down for first one to drop the GF bomb, you’re a liar. Did you all also catch Big Ben saying that Jordan “didn’t look like the football one out there?” Snarky. LOVE IT. It should be noted that Golden Child Brother Aaron has never won at the Steelers’ stadium. The whitest guy there, James Taylor, cuts his head open and refuses stitches. I pray that one day his son asks, “Daddy, how did you get that scar on your face?”…. “Well son, this one time I went on national television to find love.”
Hines Ward has got to be thinking, how the hell did I get to the point where I’m officiating a game on The Bachelorette? The football was atrocious, but what matters is Evan told us he spells win E-V-A-N, and then I asked if JoJo was “really vibing on this dude.” Evan also got another nose bleed. If JoJo’s legitimately attracted to this guy she has zero credibility.
Meanwhile, back at the house. THE CHAD says, “lets go,” to both Alex and Grant, neither of whom actually get up.
Post-Game Party! Oh baby, picture Varsity Blues, and then the complete opposite of that. Except for Robby making out with JoJo on the pool table. Then Clay’s kids got to witness “the most romantic thing they’ve ever seen” in JoJo and Jordan making out in front of a fountain. Jordan gets the group date rose obviously.
The two-on-one date features CHAD BEAR and our tiny hoodie friend Alex. THIS IS INCREDIBLE. They’re both former Marines, and their date is in the woods. So again, I LOVE THE TROOPS MORE THAN YOU. Before we get this group date started, let’s talk about the conversation that happens before they leave.
CHAD BEAR: “Jordan, you think this is a show? This is all going to be over one day, and we’re all going to go home. And when that day comes, do you think I can’t find you? I’m going to come to your house. I think you should be scared.”
Jordan Rodgers, thank you for laughing in CHAD BEAR’S face. That was incredible. Chad says he’s going to be “wearing Alex’s teeth as a necklace if he says anything about him to JoJo.” Aside from this, does anyone else find it weird how close the guys sit to each other on the couch? They look like they’re about to start spooning at any second.
Over the river and through the woods, to CHAD BEAR’S cave we go. This is going to be the best two-on-one date in show history. JoJo, Alex and Chad take a helicopter to woods in the middle of nowhere. CHAD BEAR keeps doing this horror movie whistle. This is important. It is broad daylight when this begins. They sit on a rock, and nobody is speaking. Alex and JoJo go off to talk, and I’m pretty sure their conversation only revolved around CHAD BEAR. This doesn’t worry Chad, because “nobody ever buys the first house they look at.” Somebody in Tulsa get me this guy’s real estate stats, double asaps. CHAD BEAR and JoJo have a talk about his violent tendencies, that ends in her saying she needs to think about things. Then JoJo goes to do some self-reflecting while we get some of the most phenomenal quotes in reality tv history from CHAD BEAR to Hoodie Nugget….
CHAD BEAR: “I’m not very happy with you. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
CHAD BEAR: “You know life isn’t always blueberries and paper planes.” (WTF does this even mean? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty positive he just ruined the 4th of July.)
HOODIE NUGGET: “Still pissed about SportsNation.”
CHAD BEAR: “Chill out dude, have a glass of milk.”
HOODIE NUGGET: “I don’t need milk, I don’t like milk.” (Agreed.)
CHAD BEAR: “You should man, milk’s delicious. It’s so good for you.” (I start to rethink milk.)
HOODIE NUGGETT: “The hays in the barn, dude.”
CHAD BEAR: “The pigs are in the castle.” (Is this some old saying I’m supposed to know?)
JoJo comes back and gives Alex the (pity) rose. She tells CHAD BEAR this is where she’ll be saying goodbye to him. She and Hoodie Nugget walk back into the woods. (The boys at the house jump up and down in celebration because their little spoon is coming home.) I hate scary movies, but watch one for me ONE TIME… Remember, it’s still daylight, and they took a helicopter to the middle of the woods.
CHAD BEAR monologue:
“Wow, this is unbelievable right now. Am I being pranked? I just don’t believe this. I mean I could tell in the way she looked at me, I could tell in the way she talked to me. She’s either an actress or (bleeped word) there’s only two options? I mean that was fun, I told her I wouldn’t threaten people, but you know what? Now I’ve got to go find Alex.” Chad is now walking through the woods, doing the murder whistle, the sun is going down, REMEMBER WHEN THEY TOOK A HELICOPTER TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS? The last thing we’re left with is this scene, which is the stuff my nightmares are now made of.
This show is incredible and I take back almost every bad thing I’ve ever said about it. That was so good that I can’t even dive into Evan clearly wanting to play tummy sticks in that outtake at the end. I think it’s complete and total bullshit we won’t have a new episode next week, but I’ll be live tweeting the CHAD BEAR’s return @MattieLouOKTC in two weeks.