Big East Has Expansion Fever Too!

After reading Clay’s well thought out pieces on the expansion of the SEC, I started thinking more about expansion.  More specifically, I thought about how the Big East, that bastion of football greatness, could add quality and depth to what is already considered to be the 8th best (out of 6) BCS Conference in the entire United States of America.  As shown by the addition of TCU, the Big East won’t be limited by your notions of “geographical correctness”, or worry about trifling problems like “travel expenses”, if you can raise the level of play in the Big East you will be considered.  Here are what I believe to be 10 of the strongest candidates for consideration in the Big East Football Conference, be sure to add your suggestions in the comments:

1. – The UConn Women’s Basketball team

No team has better displayed the dominance of the Big East Conference than UConn women’s hoops.  They won 90 games in a row over the last couple of seasons!  Due to the smaller rosters of basketball teams, we’d have to create a football team by bringing back all of the players from the last decade or so, and they’d have to play both ways (probably not a big stretch if you know what I’m sayin’) … but do you think a team with Diana Tuarasi at QB, Maya Moore at RB, Lisa Lobo at Left Tackle, Maya Moore at TE and Swin Cash and Sue Bird at the WR/CB positions couldn’t beat the UConn football team?  Last year’s Big East champs?  I think they could give them a run for their money!  Those girls are phenomenal!

2. – Devil’s Lake/ North Dakota School for the Deaf Firebirds

North Dakota High School Class AA Football State runner-up last two seasons.  Big East champions next season?  Not impossible.  Not probable, but definitely not impossible in the Big East.
 

3. – The Towbin Automotive Group, aka King of Cars

Towbin Dodge was the number one volume Dodge dealer in the nation and even had it’s own reality TV series called “King of Cars”.  If you can be the King of all cars, how can you not be the King of the Big East?  I mean, there are probably over one thousand cars in the world, at least… and there are only 8 Big East football teams!  They should dominate!  Plus, look at these guys, they look like they could play a little Big East football.

 

4. – The Cast and Crew of the Spiderman Musical

Sure, the Spiderman musical has been a total and complete disaster… but Broadway musicals are hard!  We’re talking about playing football in the Big East here.

 

5. – The Texas State Fighting Armadillos from the movie Necessary Roughness

I’m pretty sure the worst college team in the state of Texas could still win the Big East… Even if they are a fictional team from a fictional college that lost all of it’s scholarships due to NCAA infractions.  Even if this fictional school then had to field a football team solely from it’s student body, and maybe bring in a 40 year old former High School superstar with an arm like a rocket and a heart of gold to lead them.  Even then, the Texas State Fighting Armadillos would still have a shot in the Big East.

The only preview of this movie I could find was in German… which somehow makes it even better. 

(Note from Clay: This killed me. Truly.)

6. – The girls soccer team from Bend it Like Beckham

Sure the travel expenses would be a nightmare.  But imagine the TV exposure they could get by expanding to the UK audience.  And how much worse could they be than Rutgers was last year?

(*May not be actual team member… I don’t care either)

7. – The Cast of Jersey Shore

This move makes sense since the Jersey Shore house is already in Big East territory, and they already have a huge fan-base, but a few obstacles would have to be overcome before this move could happen:

                a.) They’d have to lower the academic standards to something close to a 2nd grade level.  Like being able to accurately identify shapes and colors at least 70% of the time.
                b.) Absolutely no drug testing whatsoever.
                c.) They’d have to figure out a way to make shoulder pads to work with wife-beaters and tube tops.

8. – Whichever Team Wins the D2 championship

This could be modeled after European soccer leagues in that the team that wins the D2 championship automatically gets promoted to the Big East, and the last place team gets demoted to D2.  The problem with this is that in 8 years there will be no original Big East teams left in the conference.

9. – The SEC Co-ed Intramural Flag Football Champions

I don’t know if they have an SEC Co-ed Intramural Flag Football Championship or not… but if they did would you be surprised if that team could beat over half of the Big East?  Didn’t think so.

10. – The Roger Clemens trial prosecution team

Spends millions of dollars building towards something, only to fail monumentally once it’s time to compete, losing the trial pretty much before it even started.

Sounds like a Big East team to me.

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