Bobby Petrino Negotiating Contract Terms

Remember five months ago when a disgraced Bobby Petrino was fired from Arkansas for hiring his mistress and lying about a motorcycle accident?

All is forgiven.

Seriously, everything.

Have you seen John L. Smith’s coaching decisions? Petrino tossed him the keys to a porsche and John L. turned the car into a walking lawnmower.

Just five months after Petrino, neck brace in tow, walked off into the Woo Pig Sooie night, he’s been redeemed, forgiven, sought after.

Dare we say, lusted after?

Why?

Because it’s a seller’s market and Petrino has the most valuable coin in the SEC realm, an ability to win no matter where he coaches.

Or who he’s sexting.

Already other fans in the SEC, aware that Petrino was the second best coach in the league in 2011, are clamoring for their school to win the Petrino sweepstakes. Kentucky, Auburn, Tennessee, Arkansas, all four of these schools have substantial numbers of fans who would be ecstatic if Petrino was their coach.

Why?

Because college football is already a cheater’s paradise.

Have you seen the number of SEC football “graduates” whose Wonderlic scores evince a clear inability to read? You’ve managed to stay eligible in a college for four years and as soon as you’re given a simple test to measure your intelligence you prove that you’re functionally illiterate? That doesn’t happen by accident. Somehow you got a qualifying score on a standarized test in high school, graduated from that high school, and then were kept eligible on a college campus for the length of your time there. Perhaps, you even graduated. 

Without being able to read all the words on your diploma.  

That’s cheating on a massive scale, and it happens at every major program in America. 

When it comes to football wins, the South’s as flexible as an Olympic gymnast, playing the NCAA rulebook like it’s a Stradivarius.

Let’s be honest, it’s tolerable to lose with honor, but it’s infinitely preferable to win with no class. 

And it doesn’t matter where Petrino is coaching, he’ll win big.

That’s why fans across the South are competing to win the Petrino sweepstakes. Because he’s the only free agent coach in America who is guaranteed to have your team competing for a championship within three years. He’s a master at what he does with a football team and we Southerners don’t really care what else he does off the football field. He’s not being hired to be a preacher, he’s being hired to win football games. 

Put it this way, if you needed open heart surgery would you want the nicest, most moral surgeon, or would you want the heart surgeon with eight mistresses, an illegal tax shelter in the Caymans, a secret cockfighting ring in Mississippi, and the best damn open heart operating skills in the country?

Here’s one vote for the scoundrel with the scalpel. 

Morals and touchdowns aren’t necessarily a tag team, in fact, it’s often quite the opposite.    

Sure Petrino claims he’s put his life back together and he’s asked for forgiveness in an awkward ESPN interview. That’s all well and good, but it really doesn’t matter. I’m rooting for Petrino to pull a Charlie Sheen and just announce that he has two weaknesses in life. 1. Blondes. and 2. Blondes who will sleep with him.

Charles Barkley was recently pulled over while driving drunk on his way to pay someone for oral sex. Bill Clinton used to go to Arkansas strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon. 

While he was governor.

Later Clinton had a twentysomething intern orally pleasure him while he discussed national security measures in the Oval Office.   

No one even blinked.

In fact, Barkley and Clinton are two of the most popular men in the South.

So long as your flaws don’t exceed your talents you’re in good shape below the Mason-Dixon line. (Insert double entendre here).

Petrino just needs to follow the advice of former Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards:  “The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead woman or a live boy.”

Edwards won the election. So long as Petrino doesn’t pull a Paterno, he’s fine.

With that in mind, OKTC has been able to uncover an emboldened Bobby Petrino’s newest contract demands.

1. Primae Noctis for all stadium weddings.

Yep, just like in “Braveheart.”

2. An unlimited cellphone data plan and a camera on his phone.

To text recruits pictures of his “playbook.”

3. Motorcycle sidecar.

Because…clearly.

4. No morals clause in his contract.

What this basically means is that Bobby Petrino can boink anyone, anytime and can never be fired for doing it.

5. A personal biographer to craft more believable stories when he’s beaten up for sleeping with engaged or married women.

“The sun was in his eyes,” will never be trotted out as an excuse again.

6. A harem consisting of nine rotating women.

All of whom will wear Mizzou miniskirts at all hours of the day and night.

7. “Eyes Wide Shut” parties at football complex every Thursday night.

Former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi will handle all the details.    

8. His offensive coordinator? Kate Upton.  

9. His defensive coordinator? Brooklyn Decker.

Quoted Petrino on the hire: “She always has the breast, best, gameplans.”

10. Women’s volleyball season tickets.

He’s a huge fan.

11. Living quarters in the hottest sorority on campus.

As voted by all male undergrads.

12. Jacuzzi in coaches office.

Coaching is stressful, he’s got to stay loose. Especially after the neck injury.

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