When you’re out here dominating every morning as head of the most rapidly growing national talk radio show in the country — and also have great manboobs — people tend to take notice.
That was the case this morning when ESPN aired the below clip, asserting that I was a transvestite prostitute who had slept with Eddie Murphy. In so doing I believe I became the first member of the media to ever be accused of being a transvestite prostitute who had slept with Eddie Murphy in the history of ESPN.
Which is quite the honor. Here’s the clip:
Now some of you may think this is just a joking aside, but you’re wrong. This is actually huge news because being a man pretending to be a woman who is sleeping with a black man pretty much ensures me the ESPY for courage this year. After all, as ESPN has taught us again and again it is impossible to be more heroic and brave than a man wearing a dress and pretending to be a girl. Toss in banging a black dude and I’m the biggest shoe in for this award since Caitlyn Jenner became the Nelson Mandela of people who tuck their penis into their butt cracks.
So while I have long asserted that I sit on the Iron Throne of Inclusiveness and am the King of Tolerance, this ESPY will go a long way towards burnishing those bona fides.
Also, for the record, while I was initially okay with working as a prostitute I found out that being a male prostitute who pretends to be a woman pays much better than just being a female prostitute. And as long time readers, listeners, and viewers of Outkick well know, I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man. And sometimes being a business, man requires being a woman, man.
Right now it’s important to remember, as Tim Tebow once memorably said, judge not lest ye be judged.
But for all of you who are judging me right now, let me be perfectly clear, I expect tolerance, empathy and inclusion from all of you. Because these are the most important traits in the world today and as students of history well know without tolerance, empathy and inclusion how would we ever have beaten the Nazis in World War II?
Your 2017 ESPY’s Winner For Bravery, Transvestite Prostitute, Clay Travis