So it comes down to this. Alabama vs. Notre Dame. A lot of people (Clay Travis) have been pretty vocal about the fact that they don’t think Notre Dame belongs in this game. Different metrics have been used in an attempt to analyze how the teams match up. Strength of schedule, religious denomination, degree of kinship between married/dating/hooking up fans… While those are helpful, there is one pretty obvious standard of measurement that hasn’t been analyzed fully, until now: Forrest Gump vs. Rudy. My friends and I have come up with the following analysis which we will use to predict the outcome of the BCS National Championship Game.
Fighting Ability: Rudy fought his brother Frank, who looked like a frail Scandinavian woman, to a draw before their father broke it up and had them kicked out of the bar, proclaiming, “Don’t nothing never change around here?” Forrest annihilated every man who ever touched Jenny in his presence, including starting a brawl that ruined an entire Black Panther Party. Advantage: Forrest.
Love of Their Lives: Jenny was the love of Forrest’s life; Pete was the love of Rudy’s. Each gave our respected heroes their most cherished possessions: Forrest Jr. and a Notre Dame letterman jacket. Forrest and Rudy both lost their loves, Jenny to a disease (presumably AIDS, which she apparently contracted sometime after taking advantage of her mentally handicapped friend) and Pete in an explosion at the Mill. Advantage: No one.
Parental Guidance: Mrs. Gump: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Mr. Ruttiger: “Chasing a stupid dream will only bring heartache to you and everyone around you.” Advantage: Forrest.
Overlooked Celebrity Role: Vince Vaughan as Jamie O’Hara, a college bust who had the guts to say what everyone was thinking: “Last practice of the season and this asshole thinks it’s the Super Bowl.” Haley Joel Osment as Forrest Jr., who, long before he saw dead people, won the hearts of America as the love child of Forrest and a pre-Lohan Lohan. It’s just depressing knowing he undoubtedly spent the rest of his life child-proofing his father’s home for him and apologizing to the neighbors. Advantage: Rudy.
Better Best Friend: Bubba vs. D-Bob.* Bubba and D-Bob were loveable big men who could only think of one thing 24 hours a day: shrimp and ladies, respectively. You love Bubba, but get the feeling he’d get really annoying after a while. The Forrest/Bubba relationship was essentially just two dumb dudes who were the only ones that could tolerate each other’s nonsense. You can party with D-Bob and he’ll do your homework for you. Advantage: Rudy.
* I seriously didn’t realize Jon Favreau played overweight, but jolly D-Bob. It’s like on the press tour for the movie, Vince Vaughn ate Favreau’s stomach and love handles.
Physical Match-Up: Rudy was five foot nothing, a hundred and nothing, and had hardly a speck of athletic ability. Forrest was the greatest pure runner in history, apparently, with Usain Bolt speed and Prefontaine endurance. Advantage: Forrest.
Unexpected Life Counselor: Lt Dan vs. Fortune the grounds keeper (aka Roc). Fortune gave Rudy a place to sleep and taught him to appreciate the blessings he had and to enjoy the journey. Lt Dan got Forrest a hooker on New Year’s Eve. Advantage: Forrest.
Namesake: Forrest was named after a Klansman. Advantage: Rudy.
Family: Rudy had 74 brothers and sisters.Advantage: Forrest.
Drinking: Rudy had too much to drink and, after quoting a nursery rhyme, told a pretty girl he lied about being a Notre Dame student. Forrest had too much to drink and told JFK he has to pee. Advantage: Forrest.
Praying: Rudy prayed to get into Notre Dame. It worked. Jenny and Forrest prayed that she would be turned into a bird and be able to fly far, far away. It worked, if “far, far away” meant a naked version of the Bluebird Café. Advantage: God, regardless of denomination.
Athletic Achievement: After two years on the practice squad and thanks to the pity of his teammates, Rudy got to dress out for one game, participated in two plays, and sacked the Georgia Tech QB when Notre Dame was up 24 to 3 with less than 7 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Forrest was an All-American at Alabama. Advantage: Forrest.
Academics: Both were academically challenged. Due to higher admission standards, Rudy had to go to Holy Cross to improve his grades before enrolling. Mysteriously, Bama enrolled Gump no questions asked. Either it is truly the football factory many believe it to be, or Mrs. Gump worked her magic on the Bama Dean of Admissions. Rudy got a job cutting the grass on the football field and parlayed that into a Notre Dame education. Forrest got an education from Alabama and parlayed that into a job cutting grass on the football field. Advantage: Rudy.
Based on the above, it looks like the advantage goes to Forrest, but when a Hail Mary could make all the difference, Notre Dame has a chance.