Kliff Kingsbury is leaving Texas A&M and the SEC to become a head coach in the Big 12.
All over the South women are weeping quietly into their pillows. (So are their boyfriends and husbands). The sunglass wearing, long sleeve rocking, boat-shoe wearing frat guy with the perpetual five o’clock shadow and the high-scoring offense, both on and off the field, will no longer be tantalizing sorority girls in the SEC.
Kliff Kingsbury has left the Station.
On Tuesday OKTC featured a shirtless photo of Kingsbury. It was a test of sorts, how many of you, erstwhile heterosexual men, would click the photo from the privacy of your computers or mobile devices? The answer was tons. The site nearly hit a new mobile record for immediate clicks. Yes, some of those readers were women, eager to find a new sex obsession since finishing “50 Shades of Grey,” but the majority were men, unable to resist the siren song of your own fiscal Kliff.
Remember, it’s not gay if it’s Kliff Kingsbury.
(By the way, ladies, you know what the fiscal Kliff is? When Kingsbury pushes you out of bed in the morning).
That’s why we’re doing something extraordinary here at OTKC, we are inducting Kliff Kingsbury into the Outkick the Coverage Hall of Fame.
I know, I know, Kingsbury is single.
And Kingsbury is also male.
But is there any doubt that whatever woman ends up with Kingsbury has outkicked her coverage?
So congratulations to Kliff Kingsbury, the first ever OKTC single male inductee into the outkick the coverage hall of fame.
As a way to say goodbye to Kliff’s tenure at Texas A&M, OKTC was able to obtain the new contract that Kingsbury signed with Texas Tech. It contained several provisions that I thought would be of interest to you.
Without further ado, here are the 16 most important provisions in Kliff Kingsbury’s new contract:
1. Texas Tech’s, “Get your guns up,” slogan has now been modified to add an explanatory parenthetical.
“Get your guns up, (but don’t shoot Kingsbury for sleeping with your wife).”
2. There will now be a jacuzzi in the film room.
Kingsbury will hold all team meetings from the jacuzzi while wearing sunglasses.
3. Kingsbury receives final say on the Kappa Kappa Gamma entering pledge class each year.
As part of “hazing,” they work as secretaries at the Red Raider football complex on pantsless Fridays.
4. A disco ball has been added to the private recruiting airplane.
During all flights, Snoop Dogg’s “Doggystyle,” will play on constant repeat.
Unless a southern sorority girl is on the plane. At which point, “Sweet Caroline,” will play on constant loop. (So “Sweet Caroline” will pretty much always be playing on the airplane).
5. 365 long sleeve t-shirts in his closet alternating between red and white.
6. May only be photographed after five o’clock.
So his facial hair always looks perfect.
If a photographer violates this rule, he has to go to dinner with Tommy Tuberville.
7. Boat shoe endorsement deal.
The boat’s registered name will be, “Take your top off.”
9. A new pair of sunglasses sitting on his desk each morning.
Alongside said sunglasses?
10. After every touchdown, Kingsbury slaps all cheerleaders, male and female, on the ass.
11. The annual Texas Tech “Calf Fry,” heretofore will be known as the “Kliff Fry.”
The Depot District is also being renamed the Fiscal Kliff. (By the way, “the Fiscal Kliff,” would be the greatest bar name in Lubbock history. I’m just giving this one away to y’all.)
12. Promising “boy band ass,” to a five-star recruit is not an NCAA violation.
Even if, as will be the case with Kingsbury, he has promised to be your wingman and said the following, “Bro, I could get Jared from Subway a fivesome tonight.”
13. “The Hangover: Part Four” will be filmed in Lubbock.
And all of the stars of the previous Hangover movies will be replaced by Kingsbury.
14. Coach’s gatorade bottle will always be stocked with sweet-tea vodka.
If coach’s gatorade bottle is not stocked with sweet-tea vodka he will choke you to death with his croakies while humming Dave Matthews “Crash.”
15. Sorority girls will be kept in Mike Leach’s shed.
If sorority girls object to this, they could have gone to Texas and watched Mack Brown lose football games.
These are the rules.
16. All babies born in Lubbock will be delivered wearing sunglasses.
It’s not a miracle, it’s just Kliff.