It’s August 30th.
A great day to be an American, a great day to be a man. It’s Madden release day.
We live in a different world these days, my friends. A world where a man can no longer go catch some food, bring it home to his family, and be pleasured by his woman. No. Now a man is often forced to hide his real desires in favor of getting a pedicure with his girlfriend/ wife. Or maybe, if he’s lucky, he only has to watch a cooking show with Paula Dean, or a few episodes of Dancing With the Stars…
Bottom line- we don’t have a lot of days left where we’re allowed to just be a man. Today is one of them. Here is a recounting of the others, the blessed few days that are to be treasured, my male brethren. Any woman who wants to take one of these days away from you should have her wedding ring confiscated. We don’t ask for much, so don’t let them take the few remaining pleasures we still have. Trust me on this one brothers… as a co-author of Man: The Book, I am a certified expert of all things that involve our species.
Here are our remaining days to actually be men:
Madden Release Day –
Obviously the reason for this list. It’s the day when a man can finally take control of his favorite team and set them in the right direction. Your team’s coach doesn’t know sh*t, you’d obviously be a more qualified candidate to lead them to the Super Bowl. You think Tim Tebow can be a Pro-Bowler, despite what that douchebag Merril Hoge says? Then bench Kyle Orton and prove them haters wrong. It’s a time of hope… hope that your football team won’t suck as bad as you know they will in real life.
St. Patty’s Day –
There is going to be a theme to this list. And that theme is getting drunk. Not a little buzz while you’re barbecuing with the family either. I’m talking full on David Hasselhoff drunk, and what better day to get that wasted than St. Patty’s day? A day when suddenly everyone is an Irishman. Your grandpa’s uncle’s cousin’s grandpa was from Ireland? Awesome! Sounds like you better down a few pitchers of green beer to celebrate your extensive Irish heritage! Know what else is great about St. Patty’s day? Drunk chicks. Know what drunk chicks do? They throw up. But after they throw up they are pretty easy to get back to your home… where they pass out in your bathroom and make you late to work the next day.
Your Birthday –
When you get older, birthday’s aren’t as cool as they used to be. You’re just another year older and that much further away from achieving your goal of winning the NBA’s 3 point Contest (or is that just me?). But there are still some factors that make this a great day for you. 1.) You can usually leave work early. 2.) Leaving work early usually results in some mid-week day drinking. 3.) Day drinking usually gets your girl a little frisky. 4.) You end up getting a birthday BJ. Even the most prudish of girls will give you a blowjob on your birthday.
And that is a good day.
The first warm day after winter –
Why you ask? Because this is the day that women break out their tube tops and mini-skirts again. It’s like the shackles of a dreary winter have been thrown off, and you realize once again that you live in a world with millions of incredibly hot woman. Suddenly your life is full of endless possibilities. Will you seize the day? Probably not. But you realize there’s a chance.
Halloween Night –
Any day that encourages women to dress as slutty as possible in public is a wonderful day to be a man. Know what the greatest part about that is? Men aren’t the ones encouraging it! The women just keep trying to out-skank each other every year, and it… is… AWESOME! Have you been to a costume shop in the last couple of years? They don’t even try to be creative anymore. They just throw the term “naughty” in front of different professions and design some lingerie to make your girl look like a “Naughty Plumber” or “Naughty Electrician” or a million other equally awesome outfits. Man, what a great holiday!
The First Day of your Vegas Trip –
You get off the plane and McCarran Airport. You and your boys have already knocked a few back on the plane and are feeling good. You hop in a cab and head to the resort. You formulate a plan… “We’re gonna drop our gear in the rooms, get some drinks, hit the craps table for an hour. We win a few hundy, head to the pool, pick up some hotties… back to the casino, win a few hundred more, hit the club, get wasted, get laid… it’s gonna be EPIC!!” You all high five. What really happens? You drop your luggage in the room, get a drink, sit down at the blackjack table… and don’t leave for 72 straight hours! You lose thousands of dollars and have to explain to your wife why the Wynn Casino now owns your car. But that first day is incredible!!
New Years Eve –
A day where you can get as drunk as you want, hit on a hot co-worker at your company party, eat whatever you want, basically do any self-destructive thing you can imagine and get away with it. Why? Because the next morning you can just make a New Year’s resolution. It’s like a get out of jail free card! “I will never get drunk again” you’ll resolve… You’ll inevitably break this resolution before the day is up, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
The day of your Fantasy Football Draft –
This is a day women will never understand, and that’s okay. Contary to what you’re told now the sexes can be different. That’s why we like each other because we’re different. Women don’t have to understand why we like fantasy football drafts any more than we have to understand why they like the Real Housewives of whatever crap city it is. (Clay’s married man editor’s note: These shows are actually awesome). This day isn’t about them, it’s about us. You get together with your boys, drink, eat bad food, talk about football all day, give each other all the sh*t we can handle. We bring up bad draft moves from years before… “Remember the time Steve picked the Steelers D in the 2nd round?” Everyone laughs as though it just happened. Women don’t get this. But for a few hours, we just get to be 100% man. Then we have to go home and watch the season finale of Desperate Housewives and pretend we are interested.
There you have it men. Today is one of our days. So go get your copy of Madden, crack it open, kiss your wife on the cheek and tell her goodbye… and play that thing through the night until you have to go to work tomorrow morning. You’ve earned it.