Every few years an old man wants to fight me. It’s kind of a hazard of writing on the Internet. Yes, young people do dumb things with technology, but they actually know how that technology works.
Not so much.
So, occasionally, they want to fight me.
Which brings us to Billy Ayo, a dear friend of the Alabama beach family that believes I am going to hell for posting their picture online yesterday.
Last night Billy sent me the following email which I have reproduced below in full.
“I just had the opportunity to read you comments regarding the Cole family beach picture. You are without a doubt the biggest asshole a believe I ever met. Just to cut to the chase, if you would pick a time and place it would give me no greater pleasure to accomodate and beat the living hell out of you. You low life inconsiderate asshole. And for the record these are dear friends and I am an LSU fan, bleed purple and gold but would go to hell and back for these people. Show up coward.”
While I may be a big asshole, it is impossible for me to the biggest asshole that Billy Ayo has ever met because we have not, you know, actually met.
Notwithstanding this error of time and place, common for individuals of Billy’s age, now Billy wants to fight me so long as I’m willing “to pick a time and place.”
Consider this my response. But first, here is Billy’s Facebook profile.
He is a member of several interesting Facebook fan groups, among them, “Stand up and get CRUNK,” and Carnival cruise lines.
Clearly, Billy Ayo is a renaissance man.
My demands on time and place:
1. I would like to fight in Paris, France in the late spring, preferably May.
Although if you are on a previously scheduled Carnival cruise in May, early June will suffice.
2. Since this will be a rigorous melee and I do not presently train for fisticuffs, I will require at least one month’s lodging at the Ritz-Carlton Paris.
I will use the hotel’s gym to train during this time.
You will bear all expenses that I incur, both training and otherwise.
3. I demand that we fight on the Champs-Elysees, in a ring crafted to fit beneath the Arc de Triomphe.
As a gesture of good faith, I am also willing to fight directly beneath the Eiffel Tower in the event that you are unable to obtain a boxing permit at the Arc de Triomphe.
4. I also further demand that I be allowed to box in a Napoleon Bonaparte hat such as this one.
5. You will obtain LSU football coach Les Miles to serve as referee.
In the event you are unable to obtain Les Miles’s services, you may replace him with Bobby Petrino, who is presently unemployed and should be eager to work anywhere.
6. Our bout will go four rounds and you will not be allowed to utilize either your cane, your pacemaker, or your award-winning carrots and lettuce combo.
7. In between each round you will procure Kate Upton, Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model, to perform the Cat Daddy Dance for spectators.
8. Your dear friends the Bama beach family — with an LSU son-in-law in tow — will be permitted to sit ringside, but they must all wear “Got 14” t-shirts.
And the LSU son-in-law must ensure that his suitcase full of corndogs is not a customs violation.
9. You may not use your tiger tail as a weapon.
Nor may you utilize the leather football helmet that you previously wore while playing football for LSU in 1928.
10. You will bear all expenses for said fight.
In the event all of these conditions for time and place are acceptable to you, I look forward to our bout.
Show up coward.