Y’all are clearly a bunch of drunken, desperate louts.
As I scrolled through Twitter last night, several of you were lamenting the fact that there was no drinking game for the NBA Finals on ABC.
Then this morning I woke up and the first email I received was from Vincent L. writing: “I was watching the awesome game last night & pounding 2-4-1 Bud Lights. I thought to myself the only way it could get better is if I were playing along with thousands of Twitter friends to a Clay Travis-inspired drinking game. Sure any drinking game that doesn’t involve Uncle Verne isn’t nearly as fun, but the matchup between the Heat and Thunder will surely leave America inebriated with your guidance. You are the czar of czars so I challenge you to make it happen.”
Your wish is my command.
Come Thursday night, we can all play along under the #nbadrink hashtag.
I’ll need an official scorekeeper. Hopefully our #cbsdrink scorekeeper Ashley, who is now an Atlanta Falcons cheerleader — congrats, will step up.
If not, the job demands to be filled.
Without further ado, here are 13 rules to get you and your friends drunk.
1. Each time LeBron James and Kevin Durant are compared via an on-screen graphic, drink.
This is almost enough to get you drunk by itself.
2. Whenever Pat Riley is shown grimacing uncomfortably in the crowd, drink.
This will generally happen every time the Miami Heat run an offensive set that can best be described as, “The kind that would make you want to fire a girl’s 7th grade B-team coach.”
3. Each time Jeff Van Gundy or Mike Breen mentions the “restricted area” under the basket, drink.
If Van Gundy discusses injuries that will come from flops, drink anew.
Seriously, when I say, “restricted area,” you hear it in Van Gundy’s voice too, right?
4. Russell Westbrook is your friend who always claims he’s fine even when he’s about to get in a fight.
At least twice a game, OKC teammates have to calm down an irate, on the verge of popping Westbrook.
5. Shane Battier and James Harden draw a lot of charges.
But they also flop.
If either man draws a charge, drink.
If, upon replay, it’s clear the charge is actually a flop, do a shot.
6. Drink when the camera catches Erik Spoelstra “coaching” during a timeout and at least one of his starters is not in the huddle.
Pay attention, this happens regularly.
7. The volume works on our televisions meaning we can hear the crowd in OKC.
Yet, every OKC home game it’s like announcers forget that technology exists.
Every time the loudness of the OKC crowd is mentioned, drink.
8. Anyone else think sideline reporter Doris Burke could take Mike Miller in a fight?
Whenever Miller stumbles along the sideline like a crippled man recently released from a Vietcong prison, drink.
9. Seattle is like the scorned lover of this beautiful Thunder and OKC union.
Drink each time the city of Seattle is mentioned.
10. Every time Connie Britton is advertised on the new drama “Nashville,” drink.
ABC is all in on this show.
Which means you’ll see these ads all the time during the finals.
If you pause your DVR to check out Hayden Panettiere naked in her bed sheets, drink again. (Not that I’ve ever done this).
Clear eyes, full hearts…
11. Drink after Westbrook’s good play scowls.
Westbrook has officially killed the good play scowl.
You know, the face every NBA player makes after a good play? In most sports if you make a good play, you smile and act like you’re happy.
In the NBA you act like you just disemboweled your foe in the gladiatorial arena of ancient Rome.
Westbrook is the worst offender in the league.
You make tens of millions of dollars to play basketball, why are you so angry?
Drink after his good play scowls.
12. Udonis Haslem and Kevin Durant can’t keep their mouthpieces in their mouths.
Haslem goes with the bite on the side of the mouthpiece move and Durant constantly takes his mouthpiece off and on like you used to do when you wore a retainer in 6th grade.
Drink when this happens.
13. Derek Fisher is 198 years old.
Every time his “playoff experience,” “leadership,” or “big shot making — defined as any shot at all that he makes,” is discussed, drink.
These rules should be enough to get you very drunk.
Fortunately, what else are you doing in June?
Nobody is actually working now.
Play along starting Thursday with the Twitter hashtag #nbadrink
Remember, you’re not drinking alone, you’re drinking with your Internet friends.