Seven Things To Know About Michael Phelps’s New Girlfriend

I know the world is currently being seduced by a man whose catchphrase is “jeah!” and who most likely has a pair of these in every color, but Lochte just doesn’t quite do it for me.  Nope, I’ve been lusting over Michael Phelps since 2004 when I first laid eyes on that abnormally long, bony slice of body-hairless man-meat. 
 
I don’t know what it is, but that man just does something to me. When he opens his mouth to give an awkward interview where all of his S’s sound like Th’s, my heart melts. (Actually I was a little curious about the lisping situation, so I Googled it and the first link that popped up was “Is Michael Phelps slightly retarded?” Thankfully, someone in the comments section swooped in and gave us the answer we were all searching for, explaining that the lisp was due to his ADD and to back off. Makes perfect sense.)
 
My boyfriend swears I only find Phelps attractive because he’s a famous Olympic gold medalist, and that if Phelps was just a regular guy and I passed him on the street I wouldn’t look twice. I don’t know if that’s true, and frankly I don’t really care. What I DO care about is the recent revelation of the unthinkable: Phelps has a girlfriend. A girlfriend named Megan Rossee whom he’s been quietly dating since January. Photos of the two had been surfacing recently, and the pair made their official red-carpet public debut this past Monday night in London. 
 
 
Needless to say, this woman is automatically now the Enemy.
  
Who is this undeserving candidate, and why has she takenaway our lovably dopey swim stud? Here are a few things you must know about Megan Rossee:  
 
1. Annoyingly, she is my age.
 
If she was 27 or 28, I could totally handle this. Even 26 would be less of a blow. Because no matter how much Megan would get to make outwith Phelps’ face or how many carats her engagement ring would be or how cute their kids would turn out, I would ALWAYS be younger. That’s the thing I would always have. Men can’t grasp the gravity of this, but I can assure you the women reading this will understand. Alas, she isonly 25, crushing my hopes of ever being able to refer to her as a “cougar” when I’m feeling catty or Real Housewives of Orange County-ish.
 
2. She is an aspiring model. 
 
5’10, 125 pounds, and a size 2…okay, actually, I’d stillhate her even if she wasn’t dating Phelps.
 
 
 
The Huffington Post defines her as a“model-slash-cocktail-waitress,” so I’m going to go out on a limb here andassume she’s made more jaeger bombs than Vogue covers.
 
3. She has publicly declared she doesn’t do nude shots.
 
All of you pervs reading this — who already have google images open and have searched “Megan Rossee naked” just let out a collective, disheartened sigh.
  
4. But she DOES do self mirror shots!
 
 
 
OH THANK GOD. Nothing better than a good drunken skank shot taken in a bathroom with your main trick Trina the Cholita who no doubt spends her days off from her job as Assistant Manager at Sun Tan City applying to be a contestant on Flavor of Love and Bachelor Pad 4. 
 
5. She is NOT a fame seeker. 
 
Right, because models just do it for the love of the modeling game. They have no desire to be recognized.
 
So, clearly that also means…
 
6. …She is a liar.
 
Her father has publicly stated that Megan “had a career in her ownright before she ever met Michael. In fact, she put things on hold to support him and go to London like he asked her to. She is not with him to be famous, she doesn’t need that from him.” Yes, Megan is making a huge sacrifice by chillin’ in London, hanging out with the US Olympic swimming team and getting VIP access to all the events and clubs. What a martyr, that woman.  
 
7. She doesn’t know how to Direct Message on Twitter.
 
 
 
 
Don’t feel bad, Meggy, it IS really tricky. That ever-evasive, pesky little “Send Direct Message” link clearly outlined in the drop-down menu always seems to elude me, too. But don’t give up, girl. You will find it someday. Until then, just keep tweeting out your cries of help to the Twitterverse. It’s a tough, tough world out here in Twitterland, and there are new challenges to tackle every day. We understand. We are here for you, Megs.  
 
So Phelps is officially off the market for now. Oh well. On the bright side, at least Lochte is still single.
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