Listen, I said I wasn’t going to write two recaps for this “two night event.” BUT when you have a meathead drop so many phenomenal quotes and eat a raw sweet potato like a damn churro, well, JUST LET ME BE YOUR HERO BABY. Here we go.
Apparently Chad likes to leave his meat plates and dirty dishes all over the house and this makes for some grumpy Guses in the house. I’ve established that a majority of this season’s contestants do not like women. Nobody is better about keeping a tidy house than gay men. That’s just science, so this makes sense to me. Also, I really need Chad to count calories and meal prep for me.
Chase gets the first one-on-one date. Who is Chase? I can’t tell these clowns apart. Naturally, Chad does not understand why he did not get the date….”It feels like right now she’s just taking her time with me, because we’re killing it together right now.” This is Chad just warming up his mouth muscles.
JoJo and Chase head off to their date at a yoga studio. JoJo says she has always wanted to get into yoga. Cut the shit; no you haven’t. Hot yoga is good for one thing….sweating out a hangover. The yoga instructor has them do some weird stuff, and it ends with JoJo straddling Chase and them making out while sweating all over each other. I’m squirming, not sure if it’s because this is so awkward, because Chase has a horrific Tiger mosaic tattoo down the side of his body, or because they made Chase wear yoga pants without shorts over them. Just say no to male yoga pants.
Next up is a vineyard where THEY GET A PRIVATE CHARLES KELLEY CONCERT and I’m so jealous. If you put me and Chad at a private concert with Charles Kelley my heart would be such a puddle I would consider giving Chad a hug. Yeah, he’s that good. Chase gets a rose, because, again, Charles Kelley.
While those two are “aligning their third eye,” back at the house Chad and Daniel are getting their daily grunt session on. That’s when I have an epiphany. Forget about this show being racist. They’re body shamers. GIVE ME DAD BODS OR GIVE ME DEATH.
GROUP DATE! Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and THE CHAD. Chad tells everyone that “he honestly would rather not go, and just have a one-on-one later.” Sorry brah, not really how this deal works. Alex, mister 5’3 on a good day and wearing a zip-up hoodie without a shirt on underneath, tries to call THE CHAD out. It basically ends with THE CHAD and Jordan “I can do math in my head” Rodgers exchanging some words. Chad says, “Dude the only thing you’ve done is be a failed football player and throw a piece of leather around.” Honestly, if someone tweeted that at me, I’d probably quit Twitter and run to my safe space.
Apparently JoJo believes that talking about sex is very important in a relationship. Her parents and brothers watch this show. Additionally, my father reads these recaps. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME ABC? JoJo makes the group go to a “standup comedy” show to share their most awkward sexual experience. It was weird, uncomfortable, and awful.
E.D. Evan decides he’s going to dedicate his time to telling everyone that steroids are bad for your penis. As Clay would say, “they make for a really bad dick day.” Got it. I assume Evan doesn’t have an awkward sexual encounter to share because nobody has ever wanted to touch him, but WTF do I know because apparently somebody PROCREATED with Evan THREE times.
In a sweet and touching moment that proved E.D. Evan’s point about roid rage, THE CHAD grabs Evans shirt on his way back to his seat. THE CHAD says, “JoJo hasn’t earned the right to know about my sexual past,” and I hate myself for agreeing with him. On stage he tries to kiss JoJo because he’s about the present not the past and gets the cheek. WOOF. If you get a cheek from me, you’re done son. As the prophet Beyonce once said, “Finger in the air and tell the boy BYE.”
Roid Rage is real, and THE CHAD punches a metal door. When J-Rodge asks what happened to his hand, we get quite possibly one of my favorite quotes in show history…. “The door walked in the way of one hand, if I can’t lift weights I’m going to murder someone.” GOLD. ABSOLUTE GOLD. I do not know how the guys didn’t just die laughing.
Date cocktail party time! Who the hell are half of these guys? I can’t tell them and their v-necks apart. Like give them each an assigned color and let’s go. THE CHAD says, “Some people here feel like they need to test the big guy, I don’t have any problems with anybody.”
BATTLE ROYALE TIME! E.D. Evan asks THE CHAD “Why are you here?” This is ballsy.
No, I will never come up with better comparisons than THE MIZ and Todd. I just need a cameo from CT and this season will be made. E.D. Evan tells JoJo that she needs to decide between either him or THE CHAD. Listen, pal, you can’t look like an absolute creep, have a terrible personality, and make ultimatums. If you have a terrible body, but super fun personality, you can do this. If you look like Tom Brady, you can do this. BUT YOU LOOK LIKE TODD FROM WEDDING CRASHERS. For some reason JoJo gives him the group date rose? THE CHAD then asks her a really honest question: “Are you seriously vibing on this guy right now?” America can hate on him all they want, but the dude just asked what we all wanted to know.
Derek doesn’t feel safe sleeping in the bed next to Chad. Congratulations Derek, you are the first person in show history to get camera facetime for complaining about safety. Still don’t have a clue who you are. The show brings in a security guard to lurk around the property, but we all know that’s just the guy who guards the craft services table.
Daniel and THE CHAD decide to have a conversation. It goes something like this….
Daniel: “It’s like, it’s like let’s pretend you’re Hitler.”
THE CHAD: “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.”
Daniel: “OK, but let’s just say.”
THE CHAD: “Let’s not say.”
Daniel: “OK, well let’s say you’re Donald Trump, so let’s be not so much like Hitler and be more like Mussolini. Or Bush.”
I’m sorry, did he just group my old man crush George W. Bush in with Mussolini? DAMN DANIEL.
Meanwhile, James Taylor is on a date with JoJo. This guy is so far in the friend zone it’s stupid. They dress up in ole timey outfits and learn how to swing dance. Precious. He’s so sweet and the closest thing to a Dad Bod I’m getting this season. They look at the stars, and he talks about how he was bullied when he was younger. He’s lost me… I need him to not agree with every word she says. He gets out his guitar, gets a make out, and a rose. Insert a Matt Kuchar “Golly Gee that was swell!”
Chris Harrison comes to the house to tell the boys that JoJo doesn’t want to have a rose ceremony, I say a bunch of four letter words, and then let Harrison continue….She wants to spend the entire day with you guys and have a pool party! Like OMG! Evan tells Chris Harrison about THE CHAD’S roid rage and how he doesn’t feel safe. Chris Harrison asks THE CHAD about it, and THE CHAD explains that it wouldn’t even be possible for him to bring steroids with him. About to hit over time hours, Chris tells THE CHAD that he is going to give him a chance to rectify the situation however he feels will be best received. This is easily the hardest Chris Harrison has had to work in at least 6 seasons.
Apparently THE CHAD has purchased the URLs of the other contestant’s names, and it redirects to his Instagram. I’m sorry, but that’s just amazing. @RealChadJohnson is his handle and I suggest you all book some time in the cube farm today to investigate it.
There’s no chance I’m missing the follow up to this masterpiece tonight, so you can follow along on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC and afterwards our fearless leader Clay will do a live @Outkick show. We truly are #Blessed.