Kate Upton has no discernible talent.
She can’t act, she’s not a very good dancer, and she doesn’t have the traditional body of a supermodel.
But what she does have is a very specific set of assets.
Namely, two of them.
And her boobs are enough to probably make her fifty million dollars or more.
God bless those glorious, natural boobs.
They’ve made Kate Upton a superstar.
She’s the perfect poster girl for the early 2000-teens, a viral video sensation for the way her bikini manages to stay on while her pendulous boobs sway to and fro, it’s mesmerizing and enchanting.
What is it about Upton that makes her so popular?
Well, it’s her boobs.
In particular, it’s her natural boobs. Sure, porn magazines like “Big Naturals,” have existed since before fake boobs were even very popular — the fact that “Big Naturals,” doesn’t have a wikipedia page is a crime — but actual boobs that happen to be real and spectacular are a rarity, the Loch Ness monster of the chest, rumored but rarely seen.
Enter Kate Upton, a twenty year old with no artificial enhancements. She’s not juicing.
And her real and spectacular breasts are so perfect that they’re enough to make her tens of millions of dollars.
Which got me wondering, has anyone ever made more money off boobs? (Kim Kardashian has made more money off her ass. But this is not an ass draft…Yet.)
I mean, Upton hasn’t demonstrated any actual talent at anything yet. Given that the NBA draft is tomorrow, it got me wondering, why has there never been a boob draft?
Since about 1988, I’ve been aware of boobs in a sexual context. This means I was about nine when I started to notice Playboy magazines on newstands and wonder what the women on the cover looked like without a top. In the past twenty-five years boobs and I have had a gloriously — and mostly one sided — love affair.
Does that make me the most qualified man on earth to conduct a boob draft?
But I’m here for you.
So without further ado, it’s the OKTC boob draft.
(Note: I’m not just ranking boobs, I’m ranking boobs as a percentage of career-defining impact. That is, I’m trying to ask the difficult questions in life, such as without great boobs would this person have attained great success? This knocks out people like Angelina Jolie or Kate Winslet, two women who have great boobs, but are also talented actresses, out of the list. In other words, I’m trying to find the people who have traded on their boobs the most to attain success.)
We could draft forever, but in honor of the upcoming NBA Draft, I went with the lottery pick of boobs, the top 11.
Without further ado, we’re off.
If you really want to have fun with this, picture Mel Kiper breaking down each of these boobs as they’re drafted.
1. Anna Nicole Smith
The only woman on this list whose boobs went all the way to the Supreme Court.
Smith married a billionaire sixty-two years older than her and then fought to retain half his estate when he died one year later. The court case is still ongoing, I believe, nearly twenty years after the billionaire’s death.
Ah, true love.
Why did an eighty-nine year old man marry a woman sixty-two years younger than him?
I’ll give you two guesses.
(Right boob, left boob).
Indeed, here was Anna Nicole Smith’s career path: Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken in Mexia, Texas, Wal Mart, Red Lobster waitress, stripper, Playboy cover girl, marry a billionaire.
That’s boobs getting it done.
2. Kate Upton
Seven million people watched Kate Upton do the Cat Daddy dance.
Do you know how amazing that is in an era of Internet porn?
There are bare boobs doing everything you can imagine on the Internet and yet seven million people watched Kate Upton dance in a bikini.
Kate Upton’s boobs may be America’s greatest weapon in the global war on terror.
Meet the true story of American exceptionalism.
3. Pamela Anderson
Sometimes you see boobs and you’re thunderstruck, awed into silence, convinced that, for just a moment, you have looked into the creator’s eyes himself and seen truth.
Such was the case when I saw Pamela Anderson’s boobs around the age of 12.
Is it a coincidence that every single Internet pioneer who has gone on to found great companies once masturbated to photos of Pamela Anderson?
I don’t think so.
Al Gore claimed to invent the Internet. Every single man who founded an Internet company and became a billionaire? They did it so one day Pamela Anderson would sleep with them.
4. Lindsey Lohan
The most famous underaged boobs in our nation’s history, Lohan’s boobs were a national treasure, proof that Generation Y wasn’t just a bunch of spoiled pansies suckling from their parent’s teat.
No, Generation Y was filled with talent and Lindsay Lohan’s boobs were proof of that tal… yeah, that worked out well.
How astounding were Lohan’s boobs?
Disney had to digitally alter them in “Herbie Fully Loaded” to avoid trouble in a trampoline scene. (By “trouble” I mean dads watching this movie without their kids).
But, sigh, the pratfalls of boobs without talent can be overwhelming.
The only thing worse than being a child star?
Being a child star who grows great boobs.
5. Phil Mickelson
A bit of an outlier, but Lefty has some big natural’s of his own.
In particular, what made Lefty the anti-Tiger?
His everyman nature, right?
Well, what does your average aging man have in great abundance? Man boobs.
While Tiger Woods looked like golfers hoped to look, Mickelson looked like what golfers actually look like. So you could root for Superman or you could root for Hank, your local club pro with boobs.
Mickelson’s boobs are real, but they aren’t spectacular.
But they still pay off.
Indeed, it’s one of life’s great ironies that the same men who spent their youth pining over women’s breasts grow their own as they age.
6. Brooklyn Decker
Did you know that Brooklyn Decker is still only 25?
This is astounding.
And proof that boobs pay.
Decker initially acknowledged the primacy of the mammary in her rise to prominence with a Twitter handle that played on her boobs, @BrooklynDDecker
Sadly, now that Decker has become a “serious actress,” she’s remaking her image.
Witness this line at the old BrooklynDDecker page: “The Official Twitter for Brooklyn Decker is now
But the Double D’s are still there, Brooklyn, why have you forsaken them?
Why, why why? (In Nancy Kerrigan voice).
This is just like when Peter betrayed Jesus as the cock crowed.
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt
The late 90’s answer to Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs were my generation’s boobs.
Indeed, JLH and I are the same age.
Which makes me feel like I grew up with these boobs.
These were girl next door boobs. The boobs that went away for summer and came back big enough to create a Spanish Armada of fantasies.
I loved these boobs.
If you doubt the power of Love Hewitt’s boobs go back and watch “I Know What You Did Last Summer.”
The movie made over a hundred million dollars.
You know why?
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.
Doubt me? Watch the trailer for “I Know What You Did Last Summer.”
Yes, this movie made a hundred million dollars.
And by this movie, I mean Love Hewitt’s boobs.
8. Sofia Vergera
How many of you watch “Modern Family” at least in part because of Sofia Vergara’s boobs?
(Raises hand alongside every other man who watches this show.)
Yes, her accent is funny and the show is great — the family dynamics are spectacular — but her boobs are otherwordly.
Can you believe she’s forty?
The boobs keep her young.
9. Katy Perry and Jessica Simpson (tie)
Yes, I know, both women have sold millions of albums.
But do you know why they got their start?
To be more specific, christian boobs.
Katy Perry and Jessica Simpson created their own particular subset of the boob industry, Christian boobs.
Christian boobs are great because they allow singers to pretend they aren’t flaunting their boobs because they’re religious.
Which allows them to flaunt their boobs even more than they otherwise would.
Every single guy reading this right now can tell you a girl who worked the christian boobs angle through all of high school.
Greatest sign of christian boobs? The cross that gets lost in the cleavage.
God bless you, Jessica.
10. Salma Hayek
Behold, the “From Dusk Til Dawn” snake dance scene that introduced us all to Salma Hayek.
Salma Hayek was a viral video before viral videos existed.
How much did we love Salma Hayek?
We watched her play a Mexican lesbian artist with a unibrow in hopes we would see her boobs.
11. Christina Hendricks
“Mad Men” is the best show on television.
And Christina Hendricks has the most overwhelming boobs on television.
But I’m not risking it.
We love you, Joanie.
Finally, a special nod to the original boob king, Dolly Parton.
She’s built theme parks to her boobs.
And she is the boobs to which all other boobs aspire to.
To you and your wild Texas wind.