The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America: #3 Ohio State

Jan 1, 2015; New Orleans, LA, USA; Ohio State Buckeyes fans cheer on their team before the 2015 Sugar Bowl against the Alabama Crimson Tide at Mercedes-Benz Superdome. Mandatory Credit: Crystal LoGiudice-USA TODAY Sports Crystal LoGiudice USA TODAY Sports

Ohio State has the dumbest fans in the Big Ten and the third dumbest fans in the country. Don’t believe me? Ask the other 13 members of the Big Ten who the dumbest fan base in the conference is and they’ll all agree — Ohio State.

That’s a hell of an accomplishment. No other conference in the country can universally agree which fan base is the dumbest in their conference. Yet every Big Ten fan base, when polled, will tell you that Ohio State fans are the dumbest in their conference and there isn’t a close second. Do you know how much stupidity it takes to unite an entire conference in unanimous agreement as to how dumb you are? That’s virtually impossible, the Manhattan project of Midwestern daftness.

Urban Meyer could choke a man to death on the sideline — which is a silly thought because everyone knows Urban Meyer’s players choke each other to death in practice, not the sideline, silly — and Buckeye fans would say Meyer was trying to perform the Heimlich. That’s because Ohio State fans are amoral hypocrites who were once convinced that Urban cheated his ass off at Florida — and played murderers there because they were tough to cover by safeties — but as soon as he joined the Buckeyes he was Saint Meyer, the greatest human being to ever step foot in the state.

Where else would the local newspaper feature letters to the editor complaining about DUI traffic stops after police catch the starting quarterback driving drunk?

“Fight real crime and arrest the clear alcohol overages, not the marginal ones,” wrote B. Belinksy, Ohio State super fan.

“Third, underage drinking and a blood alcohol threshold of .08 are artificial limits set by a cowardly Ohio General Assembly more interested in federal highway funds than what was right for Ohio,” wrote James Schulze, Ohio State fan, General Assembly hater

These are the Ohio State fans who are actually literate and can afford postage and THEY’RE UPSET WITH POLICE FOR CATCHING DRUNK DRIVERS (who just so happen to play football for Ohio State).

Imagine what the vast majority of Buckeye fans, who are illiterate and can’t afford postage, would actually have written if they knew how to write or read a newspaper.

It’s as if you enter Ohio and your brain stops working. (But your goatee keeps growing. No fan base is more loyal to the goatee than Ohio State fans).

Honestly, these letters to the editor are like dumbest fan base mic drops, I shouldn’t even have to write anything else. But I will, because I love you.

One of the hallmarks of fan stupidity is an inability to ask yourself a simple question before publicizing your opinion — what would I think if (insert rival here)’s quarterback got arrested for a DUI? If your response is not the exact same — that is you decry existing DUI laws and ask why the police are so aggressively enforcing them — then you are biased. Now we’re all biased to some degree — for instance I’m a sexist, racist, Democratic, Republican gay black feminist Muslim — but the dumbest and most biased fans are the grown men with Twitter social media profile pics of college kids. They somehow think they’re the truth tellers and the rest of us are the biased idiots.

In order to be this deranged, you have to also be incredibly insecure. And that’s the particular secret sauce of Ohio State fan stupidity, they all secretly wish they had been born in the South as SEC fans. They know that their conference, their state, and their players are inferior to those in the South. Just like they themselves are inferior to all the other people who have left Ohio for better lives in better places. Think about it, no other college fan base has as many fans outside their region as Ohio State. That’s because Buckeye fans all bail on Ohio for better places if they have the talents to leave.

The result? The Ohio State fans left behind in Ohio are actually the dumbest collection of fans on earth. Seriously, if it wasn’t for all the “smart” Ohio State fans in sunny parts of the country and Chicago this would be the dumbest fan base in America.

The entire comment section will be filled with Ohio State fans citing last year’s playoff win over Alabama, the most significant event in their lives since they realized penicillin cures syphilis and dropped out of school in 10th grade to move to a place with better job security — Michigan. (Is there any sadder United States move than from Ohio to Michigan? This is the American state movement equivalent of going from from death row to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Okay, okay, Ohio to Indiana is worse. If you ever find yourself moving from Ohio to Indiana, you need to just give up on life.)

Anyway, in case you forgot Ohio State beat Alabama in a single football game. Based on the way Ohio State fans reacted you would have thought the Buckeyes cured cancer and simultaneously developed a real life fountain of youth. INSTEAD YOU WON A FOOTBALL GAME. Congrats, you beat an SEC team for the first time since 1988 thanks to the fact that Lane Kiffin went insane and didn’t realize Derrick Henry was averaging over seven yards a carry. Prior to that you had nine straight losses to SEC teams. (The win over Arkansas doesn’t count because you played so many ineligible players and had to vacate it.) Of course you lost two title games to Florida and LSU, both of which were double digit blowouts, but that’s in the past and Ohio State fans DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST. And if you talk about the past that makes you a loser. Except for those Ohio State fans who are citing the Alabama win last year. That’s in the past too, bro.

By the way, has anyone ever had a successful past and not wanted to talk about it? You think Craig Krenzel refuses to talk about the 2002 title season because it’s in the past? The only people who want to forget the past are losers, because they lost then too.

But it wasn’t just Ohio State getting blown out by Florida and LSU, Ohio State also lost to Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, and Alabama. All without a single victory to cancel out all these defeats.

But, and this even stunned me, a noted SEC homer, you lost to South Carolina in back-to-back New Year’s Day bowl games. SOUTH CAROLINA! You lost to freaking Lou Holtz at South Carolina. Twice! Do you know how hard that is to manage? Do you know how many times before in 100 years that South Carolina has won back-to-back New Year’s Day bowl games with anyone not named Steve Spurrier coaching?

Never.

Thanks, Ohio State.

Damn, the SEC really does own Ohio State’s ass.

Seven — SEVEN — different SEC teams have beaten the Buckeyes in recent years.

Now all the Buckeye fan conspiracy theories are starting to make sense. See, people develop conspiracy theories when the truth is too difficult for them to accept. Instead of the SEC owning Ohio State, which is manifestly true based on prior games, Buckeye fans have to come up with a counter narrative. One that’s totally bonkers. That’s how Ohio State fans became convinced that ESPN is in cahoots with the SEC, it’s a conspiracy against the Buckeyes! That’s despite the fact that Kirk Herbstreit and Joey Galloway, two former Buckeyes, are prominently featured in ESPN’s coverage. It’s also despite the fact that there is nothing anyone gains from a conspiracy against Ohio State. Even if you assume that all these ESPN employees are secretly agreeing to talk down Ohio State and pump up the SEC — which is absurd on its face — what is there to gain by doing this? I only believe in conspiracies existing when if conspiracies don’t exist people go to jail.

Here there are no actual stakes. In fact, if anything, history shows us that the Buckeyes — and Notre Dame — are the nation’s most consistently overrated teams in college football. No two teams receive more benefit of the doubt than these two.

Arguing there’s an anti-Buckeye conspiracy is pure lunacy.

In fact, Buckeye fans are so insane that they actually drove the most famous former Buckeye player in the country, Kirk Herbstreit, to the South. Even he couldn’t stand living with you guys any longer. You were too crazy for the guy who makes a living talking about college football.

So he moved to Nashville, the heart of SEC country, where, despite kicking your team’s ass all the time, people are totally normal.

Which brings us to the simplest test around: You know how you know for sure a Buckeye fan isn’t dumb?

They leave Ohio.

Andy Roddick was fantastic on Outkick the Show yesterday. Listen to the podcast here:

Outkick’s ten dumbest fan bases in America:

10. Tennessee

9. Clay Travis/Outkick the Coverage fans

8. Arkansas

7. Texas

6. Notre Dame

5. West Virginia

4. Alabama 

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