We Must Fight Short Shorts, Now!

Satan must be pretty busy down there these days. Not only is he mass-producing Cowbells and Crocs, but now he’s working over-time making short shorts.  

(Just to clarify, these are made for people who possess male genitalia. I own shorts with a longer inseam than that. Seriously. Let’s ge tahold of ourselves here, guys.)

If you haven’t heard about them already, allow me to introduce you all to Chubbies: the latest obnoxious trend for men sweeping the nation andmaking us long for the days when our biggest enemy in menswear was a bejeweled Ed Hardy V-neck viciously raping our eyeballs. Now there’s an aggressive new contender in the running, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. In fact, it’s taking over. Here’s proof:

Terrifyingly, every single style of Chubbies is currently sold out, including the “Walk of Fames” and the “Where am I’s.” This is a bad, bad omen for what’s to come for the future of men’s clothing, you guys.

The letter is addressed to “Chubster Nation!”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but don’t you see what’s happening here? It’s time to face the frightening reality: male short shortsare back. And they are back with a vengeance.

Want even more proof?

Wake up, America. Drink your coffee and then slap your mama, because this is now what grown men—football-playing grown men, to be exact—are clothing their lower bodies in. A meathead in any form is mildly disconcerting. But a meathead clad in spandex hotpants is downright upsetting.

Male short shorts just make me uncomfortable. And they are also dangerous to my well-being. If I happen upon a man jogging down the street in tight neon short shorts, I almost always inevitably swerve off the road into a ditch by first dramatically looking away and then whipping my head back around to stare uncontrollably. It’s kind of like a train wreck in that way. It’s just, I mean, things are bulging and there’s just so much…skin. Raw, hairy skin that is screaming to be shielded by fabric—ANY FABRIC—but is instead left cruelly vulnerable and over-exposed and now plastered across OKTC readers’ computer screens everywhere (and, in some sick, sad cases, used as some OKTC readers’ personal laptop desktop screensavers).

In the same sense that choosing flip-flops as your shoe to present yourself to the world in is lazy and borderline-rude, so is the outbreak of males wearing tight short shorts. What are the reasons behind donning these, guys? That they are more comfortable? Less binding? Cooler and more breezy in the scorching heat? Whatever the reason is, frankly it’s selfish, lazy and it signifies that you clearly prefer to take the easy way out in life. Who has roofies in his tiny back pocket? The guy in short shorts.

Being a frequent wearer of tight short shorts myself, I can absolutely attest to the obvious benefits of them WHEN WORN BY WOMEN. Why? Because you guys want to see as much of our bodies as possible. The female body is beautiful, our thighs are constructed to be gazed upon with pleasure. But your thighs? They just exist to allow you to walk. What’s more, we women have earned the right to wear short shorts. How, you ask? Easy. Through childbirth. (Author’s note to men everywhere: Having to push live human beings out of our vaginas at somepoint in our lives trumps anything and everything you will ever have to do. We pretty much have a built-in defense against anything we want to do, ever. So, just a heads up on that.)

Okay, so maybe these poor Auburn men are forced to wear these short shorts in practice. Maybe they have no control over how ridiculous they look. But any man who orders Chubbies—literally walks to his computer, types in the URL — Chubster Nation sounds like something from a Jerry Sandusky wet dream — and deliberately clicks the purchase button—has no leg to stand on.

 

 (A living nightmare. Or, in Alabama, Clay’s fantasy.)

The vast, inexplicable popularity of Chubbies is sending a message to men that it’s now okay to air out their thighs whenever they so feel inclined, when in reality this is anything but okay. If this trend continues, milky white, furry man-thighs that haven’t seen the sunlight in years will now just be haphazardly hanging out in innocent people’s faces and, in some unfortunate cases, flapping around in innocent people’s faces.

Sheer terror. Mass hysteria. 

But of course, there are always exceptions. I think, currently at least, most red-blooded females would agree that it should be mandatory for Ryan Lochte’s thighs to continue to be on display for forever, even when he isn’t remotely within the vicinity of a pool or any other body of water. Actually, I’m almost positive a very large percentage of those same females would probably prefer that Lochte not be wearing anything at all, so that probably isn’t the best example now that I think about it.

The point is, Chubbies are no doubt going to exacerbate all the preexisting problems in America’s most problematic men. My fear is that they will turn the guys with mildly douchey tendencies into full on, certified d-bags. And with talented, seemingly respectable collegiate athletes prancing around in short shorts out on the practice fields, it’s going to make it a hell of a lot harder on me to convince you people that these things are wrong.

So the question isn’t, are the male short shorts making a comeback? That answer is a resounding yes. The proof is in the pictures. (The proof is also in the pudding. Proof is always in the pudding, and that’s just something we all have to learn to accept.) The question is, why are some people trying so aggressively to make this happen. I’m viewing it negatively, but maybe I’m in the minority here. I’m willing to try and see all sides — except for the parts that include your pasty white thighs.

Because right now, we still have a chance. We still have a chance to turn things around, you guys. To add length to these vulnerable, defenseless short shorts. To attach fabric where the Lord intended fabric to be.

My work here is done. If you need me, I’ll be burning all of Ryan Lochte’s pants.

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