Have you ever had one of those friends that’s just a supreme douchebag? You know who I’m talking about. The friend who splashes gutter water on little kids walking home from school, then cackles with joy while flipping them off and driving away? The friend who thought “wedgies” were hilarious…basically like every blond ass— antagonist from every 80’s movie. Well, give that guy about 80 extra pounds of pure muscle, the mental makeup of a roided out body builder who think you’re talking to his chick at the bar, and you’ve got James Harrison.
When Harrison’s latest comments during his Men’s Journal interview came to light, there was plenty of media backlash. Why wouldn’t there be? How many times do you hear a man call his CEO the devil, drop a homophobic slur on his ass, then talk about how much his co-workers suck compared to him?
This got me talking…
“Can you imagine another job where you can say the things that James Harrison said, and still be employed?” I said to the fake person I made up for the sake of this story.
“He’s crazy right?” Said my awesome friend. “And you look great in that shirt, JT! Have you lost a little weight?”
(My imaginary conversations with my fake friends are often very positive).
This got me thinking, is there a more awful employee in the history of jobs than James Harrison? I’m guessing that there probably is, just not an employee as much in the spotlight as Harrison. The things Harrison does on a football field would most likely get him arrested off of it, and what he says off the field would most likely get him fired anywhere but on it. So are there any other jobs besides “NFL Linebacker” where James Harrison would be allowed continued employment after speaking of his boss and co-workers in such a way? Not many. But there are plenty of other jobs that would be hilarious, and here is a list of some of the possibilities (excluding the obvious of being the real life “Terry Tate; Office Linebacker”):
Prison Guard – Scratch that. He’d get fired immediately after agreeing with the other prisoners that the Warden is a real c—sucker, followed by him leading a riot/ mass escape. Let’s keep him away from our prisons.
Repo Man – Now here is something he’d be good at! He’d be able to talk all the crap he wanted about his co-workers, and probably his boss too. As long as he was getting those cars repoed they’d let him do his thing. Plus he’d be able to let out all his aggression and anger on the poor bastards who try to stop him from repo-ing their cars. I mean, have you seen Operation Repo?
Professional Wrestler – I’m not 100% sure that he doesn’t think that he is in the WWE right now. “Let me tell you something, brother… this Commissioner Goodell is the damn devil, brother! Rules were made to be broken! And so was his neck!” (RIP Macho Man) This seems like a no brainer for Harrison after football. Especially if he blows his football money on Ponzi Schemes. steroids, poor real estate investments, and/or Mexican hookers then needs a second career. Which, let’s be honest, seems pretty likely.
Pawn Shop owner – Similar to a repo man. In fact, now that I think about it… any job with its own reality TV series would probably be a place where Harrison could find steady employment. Pawn shops, repo man, gator hunting, crab fishing, Real World/ Road Rules Challenge… They’d all take him.
Middle School English Teacher:
“You little cracker kids do your damn spelling and definition homework? Cause if you haven’t… GOD as my witness… I will smack the sh– outta you! I don’t give a damn what Principal Williams says. And if that skinny old bitch tries to write me up for laying my hands on a kid one more time… You’ll see me pissin on that hos grave… Believe that!”
Office IT guy:
“I told you to stop downloading all these motherf—–’ Coldplay songs at the office Steve!! It slows down the server and increases the odds of me whoopin’ your fat ass! You think you get the same privileges as Mike Stevens in the Portland office? You ain’t good enough mutha—-! You just get paid like his ass!”
Customer Service Center for Apple
“The f— is this? An iPhone 3G? No you can’t download the latest Angry Birds app on this piece of sh– Ain’t you heard of 4G, bitch!? This dude right here is a 3G phone that wants to act like he’s a 4G phone! You just like Ben Roethlisberger… get the f— outta my face before I snatch yo’ life! And somebody tell Steve Jobs that if I was a white man talkin’ to a black customer like this, he wouldn’t write me up at all!!”
“Iced peppermint white chocolate mocha latte? The f– is that shit?? You getting’ coffee… black. Like a damn man. You better go to New England to get that weak ass girly drink! Tom Brady’d serve that iced mocha bull— to you in a minute! Hell, I’m about to go to New England just to screw that long-legged bitch of his. While I’m drinking black coffee.
Shoe Sales at Nordstrom
“Bitch, you know your feet is too fat for these lil’ ass heels. Looks like you been baking bread in them m———! You better get your big butt over to the house-shoes or moonboot section or some shit. Damn!”
Wendy’s Drive Through
“No you can’t supersize that sh–! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MCDONALDS TO YOU M——–!?!? IT’S CALLED BIGGIE SIZED!!!”